thats_so_not_cool Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I've been in a relationship for about 12 months now. The first 6 months were long distance but for the last 6 we have been living together. Since I moved in, I feel like my boyfriend watches over everything I do. If I go on the computer, he'll every once in a while crane his neck to see what I'm doing/looking at - or actually ask what I'm looking at. I've caught him going through my phone. If my phone makes a text messaging alert - he instantly looks at my phone. One time I was sleeping on the couch and a text came in on my phone. I woke to find him leaning over the coffee table reading the text. I can only imagine what he does when I'm in the shower or leave my phone/computer unattended. I have also caught him going through my internet history. What the hell is up with him? I have nothing to hide, but it's SUPER annoying. I never touch or go through any of his stuff. It makes me want to break up with him. I am not his possession or child. He doesn't need to monitor or keep track or every little thing that I do. Has anyone ever experienced this?
mammasita Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 So you went straight from long distance to moving in together? It sounds like you had no time to properly date or get to know each other without any distance between you, hence no way to properly identify any quirks, red flags or deal breakers. I've never been in a relationship with someone who did that because I'd never be in a relationship with someone who did things like that - red flags IMO. Maybe he's just nosey or maybe he's truly insecure and doesn't trust you. Either way you have to sit him down and figure out why he feels like he has to be all up in your business. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of complete transparency in relationships .....but he's going waaaaaaaay overboard. At this point all you can do is talk to him. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 This would make me crazy. Where's the trust? If he doesn't stop, I don't see how you can continue this relationship. 1
veggirl Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You don't say anything when he does that sh*t? 5
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Have you talked to him about it? Maybe something happened that caused him to be suspicious of you and can be easily explained to eliminate this behavior? 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 He's probably reading your post as we have this discussion. Therefore... It makes me want to break up with him. Do it. 4
Silly_Girl Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 That would be unacceptable, in my book. And if I loved someone I'd be quite worried about why they felt the need to do that. You definitely need to thrash this out, I'd say. Or break up.
MissBee Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I've been in a relationship for about 12 months now. The first 6 months were long distance but for the last 6 we have been living together. Since I moved in, I feel like my boyfriend watches over everything I do. If I go on the computer, he'll every once in a while crane his neck to see what I'm doing/looking at - or actually ask what I'm looking at. I've caught him going through my phone. If my phone makes a text messaging alert - he instantly looks at my phone. One time I was sleeping on the couch and a text came in on my phone. I woke to find him leaning over the coffee table reading the text. I can only imagine what he does when I'm in the shower or leave my phone/computer unattended. I have also caught him going through my internet history. What the hell is up with him? I have nothing to hide, but it's SUPER annoying. I never touch or go through any of his stuff. It makes me want to break up with him. I am not his possession or child. He doesn't need to monitor or keep track or every little thing that I do. Has anyone ever experienced this? Have you told him this bothers you? I've never experienced it personally but would be very annoyed if someone was behaving this way. I suggest you ask him why he does this and tell him it makes you uncomfortable. See if things improve from there, if not, then you guys may not be compatible. 1
Els Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 You need to tell him exactly what you've written here. And if he refuses to change... well, you have to decide if it's a dealbreaker to you. Personally, I'd find it to be a dealbreaker. Occasionally glancing or asking is fine and normal, but grabbing your phone EVERY SINGLE TIME is certainly obsessive.
Author thats_so_not_cool Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Thanks. I guess I wanted to see if this is common or just entirely bizarre. It makes me feel really frustrated, as if I can't have any privacy. In response to the your comments, I agree that moving in together straight from long distance plays a big part in this. We dated for about a month prior to being long distance, but he received a job offer in another state shortly thereafter. After 6 months of long distance is when I moved in. As far as me saying something when he does this weird crap, I do. He usually responds with, "Whatever", completely denies it, or says something obnoxious like, "Why are you acting so shady?" It's SO F'ING ANNOYING! Sometimes he'll even call me paranoid and say I'm crazy. It drives me up the wall. There's no point in trying to discuss it with him because he denies it. When I ask why he does it he'll say, "I haven't looked at your phone in ages." When I catch him glancing, he denies it and says I'm paranoid or acting shady. When he asks what I'm looking at on my laptop, if I don't answer, it intrigues him even more and he gets up to look. I am like borderline disgusted at this point. I think I have my answer though. It's pretty obvious it's not going to change. Maybe he's just a super controlling/insecure person.
GemmaUK Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 This is the start of controlling behaviour lead by insecurity. I've been there. I didn't move in. LDR was suffocating enough. My partner did the leaning over me/sitting riiiight back so he could see my screen..one of many hundreds of things within 7 months. It's sad but it will get worse for you. Get out or you have to seriously woman up and tell him it's not on at all. It's not normal.
Minnie09 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Been there done that. IMO there might he something he's hiding himself. People who don't trust for no reason usually don't trust themselves and consequently start projecting. Remedy: start doing it to him. He won't like it. The double standard will show fast. He will feel so uncomfortable with you being up his rear end that it'll lead to arguments, and because he's a hypocrite, he won't accept this behavior from you even though it's the same exact thing that he's doing to you. Try it.
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