Ibaadat Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) How do I date like a guy? What thought process does a guy have which allow him to shut his emotions and detach his heart from a girl. They call, text, get physical, share lot of things but do not get emotionally attach with a girl...how can I do that too. I have never had a guy falling in love for me...there were a few who wanted to spent time with me and get physical but even after spending time, they never felt attachment emotions or love and on the other hand, i was emotionally torn...if I am attracted to a guy and he also gives me attention and time.....i start to get very emotionally attach and wants to be with him for life.....i am really really struggling with this in life, how can i change myself, and date just for fun and not take it on heart. It makes me extremely sad that if i spent time with a guy, all he wanted was spending time with me and getting physical but no emotions involved. if i part ways, they don't get hurt at all...why am i always the victim of hurt and rejection. in the end, guys just say sorry if we disrupted your life and move on...and start their story with another girl....isn't it superficial to spend time with one, say cute things, get intimate, and then part ways, and move on to next one and start same thing over again... I just need a recipe to detach my heart....can someone help.....i have read unlimited articles, but nothing helps at all.....and i am lonely and miserable. Edited January 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Onethirtyeight Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I said this in another thread. Not all guys are like that, in fact most guys are not like this, all you need to do is spend time with different people. Act more mature yourself and you will find more mature people to spend time with. So don't be all temperamental and perpetuate the cycle. I can tell you if you do act like that its likely that's all you're going to get. 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I'm a guy. Here's how I date: I go online write a bunch of messages to women I think sound cool, get one response every 6 months or so, and about once a year (sometimes longer) a girl agrees to meet up for coffee. We meet, talk for 90 minutes then go our separate ways, never to meet again. I'm hoping one of these days this leads to a kiss on the cheek. Does that sound appealing?
Onethirtyeight Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I'm a guy. Here's how I date: I go online write a bunch of messages to women I think sound cool, get one response every 6 months or so, and about once a year (sometimes longer) a girl agrees to meet up for coffee. We meet, talk for 90 minutes then go our separate ways, never to meet again. I'm hoping one of these days this leads to a kiss on the cheek. Does that sound appealing? Dude, maybe you're having bad luck because of your attitude. To the OP don't listen to him he doesn't represent all of us.
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Dude, maybe you're having bad luck because of your attitude. To the OP don't listen to him he doesn't represent all of us. If you say so. I'm actually not a bad guy to talk to for an hour or more. I have lots to say and I'm knowledgeable on many subjects. I'm just not very smooth nor good at creating attraction...
nescafe1982 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 1) Multidate. Don't over commit too early. 2) Don't see any one guy you're dating at a time see you more that once (or maybe twice) a week. 3) Expect men you date to make plans with you in advance. Don't go on same-day dates. 4) Don't have sex too early. Don't have sex with any of the guys you see when you're still multidating. Okay, so that last one isn't dating "like a guy" but will safeguard you against getting too emotionally invested too early. Basically, to date effectively, you need to give yourself time between dates to appraise/sort out how you feel about a guy. And because dating is a numbers game, you need to meet and date a lot of men to eventually find thee one you have the best chemistry with. I always did "pair and a spare." Dated two guys actively, with a third I was talking to. I was on OLD so it was pretty easy to keep this cycle up.... allowed me to meet a lot of men without feeling the urge to commit to any of them. And of course, a happy side effect of a woman who is not over-committed is that it flips the script... dudes who are used to having women cling to them asap will be intrigued by your non-clinginess. It builds confidence. 1
Onethirtyeight Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 If you say so. I'm actually not a bad guy to talk to for an hour or more. I have lots to say and I'm knowledgeable on many subjects. I'm just not very smooth nor good at creating attraction... I only know you from what I've seen online. You sound exactly like this guy I know at my university who never gets any dates. He's always whining about how there aren't any women in our major, how American women don't appreciate him (he's foreign), and he's jealous of everyone around him that manages to get a date, especially if its with a girl he's been eyeing. He never bothers to go meet women where they are on campus and he pretty much relies on online dating. Then when he does manage to get a date he's too pessimistic and scares her away and then asks me what he did wrong. If this isn't you I'm sorry for generalizing, you just sound exactly like him when he's trying to get my pity.
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I only know you from what I've seen online. You sound exactly like this guy I know at my university who never gets any dates. He's always whining about how there aren't any women in our major, how American women don't appreciate him (he's foreign), and he's jealous of everyone around him that manages to get a date, especially if its with a girl he's been eyeing. He never bothers to go meet women where they are on campus and he pretty much relies on online dating. Then when he does manage to get a date he's too pessimistic and scares her away and then asks me what he did wrong. If this isn't you I'm sorry for generalizing, you just sound exactly like him when he's trying to get my pity. Look man, I'm not whining, I'm stating matter of factly what the deal is. I'm a dude, and that's my experience with dating. I don't need your sympathy nor your pity. I'm a 25 year old (almost 26) man who has never even kissed a girl. Ok? I don't need you to feel sorry for me, I just need you to silently nod your head in agreement when I say I'm irredeemable, despite some of my good qualities. I didn't always rely on dating sites, but the well gets a little dry when you leave the ivory tower of college campuses. Am I pessimistic? Yes, but that's based on my experiences, not conjecture. Nice talking with you.
StanMusial Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Why would you want to "date like a guy"? Why do you think that would make you any happier? 1
Onethirtyeight Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Look man, I'm not whining, I'm stating matter of factly what the deal is. I'm a dude, and that's my experience with dating. I don't need your sympathy nor your pity. I'm a 25 year old (almost 26) man who has never even kissed a girl. Ok? I don't need you to feel sorry for me, I just need you to silently nod your head in agreement when I say I'm irredeemable, despite some of my good qualities. I didn't always rely on dating sites, but the well gets a little dry when you leave the ivory tower of college campuses. Am I pessimistic? Yes, but that's based on my experiences, not conjecture. Nice talking with you. All I'm saying is I've noticed your pattern of posts on here and you don't sound happy. Maybe if you had a better attitude you'd get what you want and you'd be happy.
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 All I'm saying is I've noticed your pattern of posts on here and you don't sound happy. Maybe if you had a better attitude you'd get what you want and you'd be happy. No I'm not happy. My lack of success is what has caused me to become unhappy. I appreciate your concern but my attitude isn't going to change...
Joaquin Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) U need to realise that u can't force anyone to be on the same page as u just because u want them to be. Any guy with an ounce of experience, and having perhaps been burnt in the past, will not go all in with someone they've only met. It's perfectly reasonable for a guy or a girl to hold back on the emotional investment until there is a bit of commitment. Sex is not a commitment these days. If u want sex to be a commitment, wait till marriage before doing it. Apart from anything else, and IME, a guy that gets all emotional with a girl too early is a lamb to the slaughter. You probably need to harden up a bit. Edited January 5, 2014 by Joaquin 2
nescafe1982 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Any guy with an ounce of experience, and having perhaps been burnt in the past, will not go all in with someone they've only met. It's perfectly reasonable for a guy or a girl to hold back on the emotional investment until there is a bit of commitment. Sex is not a commitment these days. If u want sex to be a commitment, wait till marriage before doing it. I think these are the two key things that differentiate (stereo)typical "male" and "female" dating styles. 1) Men more often reserve emotional commitment until they know it's safe to commit. 2) Men are less likely to confuse sex with emotional intimacy. Of course this isn't always the case, but women often are the ones who jump into emotional intimacy mode too quickly, and then jump into the sack thinking that the men they're ****ing feel the same way. It's a recipe for disaster. 3
Author Ibaadat Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I said this in another thread. Not all guys are like that, in fact most guys are not like this, all you need to do is spend time with different people. Act more mature yourself and you will find more mature people to spend time with. So don't be all temperamental and perpetuate the cycle. I can tell you if you do act like that its likely that's all you're going to get. Thank you for your response. What do you mean "if you do act like that"....I dont get emotionally attach with everyone....its hard for me to meet people as I am already quite late in the game (mid-30s), and only looking for serious people with marriage potential within my culture/religion, and the few people I have met, I dont like everyone or get attached...but on occassions when I liked someone very much, all they were looking for was casual dating with intimation.....i have needs too but i have much more emotional attachment need then physical...on other hand, guys i have liked were content with only physical satisfaction...so my question was how can one wants to be with someone, get intimate, have memorable moments, all that with no emotions involved. I have had a extreme crush, see my very first post of sept 17, I parted ways, but msged him on new year...he was responsive but clear that he wanted to spent time with me in an intimate way but respected my decision. we flirted again on phone and met again this week, ending up in intimation without sex....i could see he had no emotions for me, but treated me well, and i almost feel like i am in love with him. and since we can not be together, i said farewell goodbye and said it was our last meeting, and we had farewell kissing. i am very down now, as he seemed to be the one close to my ideal. if you were to advise me, please be kind, and provide detailed advise.....i am here becuz i cant help myself and cant think straight....your help will be a kind deed. Thanks!!!
Frank2thepoint Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I'm a guy. Here's how I date: I go online write a bunch of messages to women I think sound cool, get one response every 6 months or so, and about once a year (sometimes longer) a girl agrees to meet up for coffee. We meet, talk for 90 minutes then go our separate ways, never to meet again. I'm hoping one of these days this leads to a kiss on the cheek. Does that sound appealing? For the lulz. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I just need a recipe to detach my heart....can someone help.....i have read unlimited articles, but nothing helps at all.....and i am lonely and miserable. No you do not need to become an emotionless zombie. Just be a little more guarded with who you give emotion to. Make sure the guy reciprocates your emotions. Do not give yourself to try to convince him to give to you. 2
Author Ibaadat Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Why would you want to "date like a guy"? Why do you think that would make you any happier? Because i am lonely, and since i cant find any one serious for me or falling for me, if i change my attitude i'd be not lonely and be able to date without being miserable. if i also dont attach myself, then i can get a bit intimate and date, and it wont matter if a guy remains in my life or not, i will also be able to cope easily and move on.....which i cant do right now.
Author Ibaadat Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Any guy with an ounce of experience, and having perhaps been burnt in the past, will not go all in with someone they've only met. It's perfectly reasonable for a guy or a girl to hold back on the emotional investment until there is a bit of commitment. Sex is not a commitment these days. If u want sex to be a commitment, wait till marriage before doing it. Apart from anything else, and IME, a guy that gets all emotional with a girl too early is a lamb to the slaughter. You probably need to harden up a bit. Yes, I know I need to harden, but how do I do that??....please note sex is not involved...if I find someone close to my ideal or what I am looking for, I start to have feelings....feelings increase when a guy also keeps in touch, wants to see me, and spents time with me...but guys do that since they are bored, wants to get physical, and to have girl temporarily to spent time with....but no one I like has gotten emotionally attached to me, or fallen in love, whereas i easily get attached to the ones I like very much. on the other hand, i have broken one or two hearts too, but in this case i did not get emotionally attach because i did not like them to begin with.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Because i am lonely, and since i cant find any one serious for me or falling for me, if i change my attitude i'd be not lonely and be able to date without being miserable. if i also dont attach myself, then i can get a bit intimate and date, and it wont matter if a guy remains in my life or not, i will also be able to cope easily and move on.....which i cant do right now. Don't worry about dating until you can figure out who you are and what your values are. You are chasing the dragon without knowing what it is that you are chasing because you have no idea who you are or what you need for your life to be whole. Good luck, G 1
StanMusial Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Yes, I know I need to harden, but how do I do that??....please note sex is not involved...if I find someone close to my ideal or what I am looking for, I start to have feelings....feelings increase when a guy also keeps in touch, wants to see me, and spents time with me...but guys do that since they are bored, wants to get physical, and to have girl temporarily to spent time with....but no one I like has gotten emotionally attached to me, or fallen in love, whereas i easily get attached to the ones I like very much. on the other hand, i have broken one or two hearts too, but in this case i did not get emotionally attach because i did not like them to begin with. Nothing you can do will change any of this. It sounds like you have things figured out somewhat, you just need to find a better man to associate with. 1
Woggle Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 There is no such thing as dating like a guy because most sterotypes are wrong. Just figure out the score before you jump in. 2
Author Ibaadat Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Don't worry about dating until you can figure out who you are and what your values are. You are chasing the dragon without knowing what it is that you are chasing because you have no idea who you are or what you need for your life to be whole. Good luck, G you may be right.....how should i figure out who am i and what is it that i need in life to be whole....i do not feel happy or whole....although, i have achieved things in life that lot of my peers were not able to given the similar circumstances. i feel i am not content because i have no love, no physical satisfaction, but i could be wrong, it might be something else....how do i figure out to feel "whole"
Grumpybutfun Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 you may be right.....how should i figure out who am i and what is it that i need in life to be whole....i do not feel happy or whole....although, i have achieved things in life that lot of my peers were not able to given the similar circumstances. i feel i am not content because i have no love, no physical satisfaction, but i could be wrong, it might be something else....how do i figure out to feel "whole" What do you believe? Write it down. Are those your beliefs? Or are they your families? What is your definition of happiness? What are the values that you love? Start from there and believe that you will only attract what you project. You are relevant as you are. G 1
Versacehottie Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 i think one of the best strategies is to live a full life. That way you are busy & fulfilled WITHOUT attention from a guy. It also helps you to attract them. You will have other priorities and if you are fulfilled you will put less focus and emphasis on the outcome of each interaction with a guy. I would also say to date or at least talk to more than one guy at time until you are committed but maybe that's not for you culturally? Not sure if it is, but if it is that is good to do. That way you start to see people a bit more for how they are actually treating you rather than as an answer to your single/lonely problem. Also try to stay 100% in the present. Don't jump any further ahead in time than each individual interaction with the guy. That's where a lot of women get in trouble, ie attached. They are imagining things further down the road and wondering if this guy is the one. It's doesn't give you the ability to see the relationship for what it is, good and bad, better and worse than the fantasy/imaginary relationship going on in your head. Let yourself be surprised about what he offers up and how things unfold. It's all an adventure and learning experience. I'm imagining your goal is to be settled down. Take that pressure off of yourself. It's not going to do any good to worry and guys can feel that pressure too which will likely derail potentially good relationships. Be active in what you DO toward your goal of settling down rather than HOPE or dream about it. That is, date a lot. It's a numbers game. If you have a dating disappointment, don't let it derail you. Know the sooner you put yourself back out there with others, the closer you will be to accomplishing your goal. But it's in the ACTION not the WORRY or thinking about. Do what it takes to keep your self-esteem high, which is good for not attaching one-sidely as well as attracting good people. Don't think, just do. Good luck. 1
Author Ibaadat Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 i think one of the best strategies is to live a full life. That way you are busy & fulfilled WITHOUT attention from a guy. It also helps you to attract them. You will have other priorities and if you are fulfilled you will put less focus and emphasis on the outcome of each interaction with a guy. I would also say to date or at least talk to more than one guy at time until you are committed but maybe that's not for you culturally? Not sure if it is, but if it is that is good to do. That way you start to see people a bit more for how they are actually treating you rather than as an answer to your single/lonely problem. Also try to stay 100% in the present. Don't jump any further ahead in time than each individual interaction with the guy. That's where a lot of women get in trouble, ie attached. They are imagining things further down the road and wondering if this guy is the one. It's doesn't give you the ability to see the relationship for what it is, good and bad, better and worse than the fantasy/imaginary relationship going on in your head. Let yourself be surprised about what he offers up and how things unfold. It's all an adventure and learning experience. I'm imagining your goal is to be settled down. Take that pressure off of yourself. It's not going to do any good to worry and guys can feel that pressure too which will likely derail potentially good relationships. Be active in what you DO toward your goal of settling down rather than HOPE or dream about it. That is, date a lot. It's a numbers game. If you have a dating disappointment, don't let it derail you. Know the sooner you put yourself back out there with others, the closer you will be to accomplishing your goal. But it's in the ACTION not the WORRY or thinking about. Do what it takes to keep your self-esteem high, which is good for not attaching one-sidely as well as attracting good people. Don't think, just do. Good luck. Thank you hun! these are really good/actionable points. 1
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