Author furby19 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 OP, I can postulate from life experience that your friend 'lets it happen' more than yourself. Also, by relationship, I mean sexual and romantic relationship. As example, I've had a number of LTR's and was married for ten years. Those experiences taught me a lot about relationship dynamics and 'the process' of building upon 'chemistry' one feels, ultimately into a committed relationship. They all ended, so it wasn't 'forever', but still they taught life lessons. One final thought comes to mind. It's generally impossible to change one's intrinsic personality but one can choose to change how that personality is processed and presented, perhaps in a manner which appeals to a wider range of potentials. You don't change who you are but rather aspects of how you appear, not physically but rather your 'aura' or presence. As an example, after ending my M, I experimented with being more 'out there' when looking at and interacting with women; not in words or gestures, but rather feelings, experiencing what I liked and not caring about all the details like their relationship status, etc. To put it into old movie terms, picturing Cary Grant saying it, 'I love all women'. Of course, that's impossible, but feeling it and letting it leak into that 'aura' or presence had some amazing results, at least situationally, so I filed it away for use where there are single women around. Hope that helps! Sorry but either I don't understand your wording or I am just totally confused altogether. What do you mean when you say "I can postulate from life experience that your friend 'lets it happen' more than yourself." I think I agree with Badsingularity on this one. I think my friend gets in relationship after relationship because she doesn't like to be alone. This has nothing to do with chemistry.
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 The few times I went on 1st dates with men I didn't feel chemistry for, we didn't have 2nd dates. For me in part the initial chemistry is more of a lust/attraction thing. From there it grows based upon them as a person. Of all the long term relationships I have had -- ranging from 2 to 12 years (been married to DH for 5, together for 7) -- all but one started by me looking across a room & thinking WOW. The one that didn't start that way for me, started that way for him. 2
StanMusial Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Someone that you connect with in an emotional and physical way. Someone you have similar interests with, good conversations, and can see yourself being serious with. I thought this is what chemistry was.....if not, please help me understand. I would say you have a good definition of chemistry. Sorry but either I don't understand your wording or I am just totally confused altogether. What do you mean when you say "I can postulate from life experience that your friend 'lets it happen' more than yourself." I think I agree with Badsingularity on this one. I think my friend gets in relationship after relationship because she doesn't like to be alone. This has nothing to do with chemistry. I think what Carhill meant was, that some people are more open to feeling chemistry. I have no doubts that this is true. There could be any number of reasons why.
Author furby19 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I think what Carhill meant was, that some people are more open to feeling chemistry. I have no doubts that this is true. There could be any number of reasons why. Thanks for clarifying that for me. What I don't understand in this case is....How can you be "open" to feeling chemistry? I think you either feel chemistry with a person or you don't. At least this has been my experience.
xxoo Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Out of 10 people you meet or have went out on dates with, how many have you had chemistry with? Out of 10 people I meet...rarely have chemistry. Out of people I dated: all. I didn't date strangers, but rather people that I'd gotten to know through life (school, work, friends) and felt chemistry. I don't think I ever felt it on the first meeting, though. Usually within a few meetings, when we are interacting naturally and just "click". 2
Author furby19 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Out of 10 people I meet...rarely have chemistry. Out of people I dated: all. I didn't date strangers, but rather people that I'd gotten to know through life (school, work, friends) and felt chemistry. I don't think I ever felt it on the first meeting, though. Usually within a few meetings, when we are interacting naturally and just "click". Thanks for a realistic reply. I feel the same way but I don't want to date anyone that I work with. I work in an industry where making a habit out of dating people who work with you can really work against you. Do you have any other suggestions?
carhill Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Sorry but either I don't understand your wording or I am just totally confused altogether. What do you mean when you say "I can postulate from life experience that your friend 'lets it happen' more than yourself." I think I agree with Badsingularity on this one. I think my friend gets in relationship after relationship because she doesn't like to be alone. This has nothing to do with chemistry. Yes, that's one potential impetus for her being in R after R. If accurate, her 'fear of being alone' leaks into her aura and is attractive on the chemical level to a subset of people who interact with her. Also, if accurate, her fear impels her to 'let it happen' to assuage the fear. I've met a lot of women like her, if she does fear being alone. That's part of why women in my demographic rarely are alone; they tend to overlap relationships. It's not all of why, but it's a part.
xxoo Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Thanks for a realistic reply. I feel the same way but I don't want to date anyone that I work with. I work in an industry where making a habit out of dating people who work with you can really work against you. Do you have any other suggestions? Sport, hobby, and volunteer activities can provide opportunities to get to know people naturally. The people I know who are/were marrying in 2013-2014 all met through friends. 1
Author furby19 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Yes, that's one potential impetus for her being in R after R. If accurate, her 'fear of being alone' leaks into her aura and is attractive on the chemical level to a subset of people who interact with her. Also, if accurate, her fear impels her to 'let it happen' to assuage the fear. I've met a lot of women like her, if she does fear being alone. That's part of why women in my demographic rarely are alone; they tend to overlap relationships. It's not all of why, but it's a part. I don't agree with this at all. I think all the guys that date these kinds of women see something in them. They see that "fear of being alone"....not chemistry. This leads to them using, abusing, and mistreating these women because they know that these women will do anything to keep a man around. I know this because I have a friend who is this way. I have talked to her about it but she does not listen. She has a different leach/BF every year or two. I used to wonder what the h*ll was wrong with her. Now, I don't say anything at all....not even when she complains. I am asking this question about chemistry because I just wanted to see if I was the only one having this problem. I would really like to be in a relationship. However, I am not willing to fake it with anyone.
StanMusial Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I don't agree with this at all. I think all the guys that date these kinds of women see something in them. They see that "fear of being alone"....not chemistry. This leads to them using, abusing, and mistreating these women because they know that these women will do anything to keep a man around. I know this because I have a friend who is this way. I have talked to her about it but she does not listen. She has a different leach/BF every year or two. I used to wonder what the h*ll was wrong with her. Now, I don't say anything at all....not even when she complains. I am asking this question about chemistry because I just wanted to see if I was the only one having this problem. I would really like to be in a relationship. However, I am not willing to fake it with anyone. This same topic pops up again and again on this forum, possibly you have raised the topic before on here. Either way, there's plenty of people who have the problem. It seems to happen more with women though, so I'll let them help you with it.
Author furby19 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 This same topic pops up again and again on this forum, possibly you have raised the topic before on here. Either way, there's plenty of people who have the problem. It seems to happen more with women though, so I'll let them help you with it. Nope.....I've never raised the topic. I can't say rather it happens more with women than with men. What I do know is that I think it is important but it seems to be rare.
CrystalCastles Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I think chemistry is important but it really depends on the circumstance and the people. I've had instant chemistry from day one. I also had chemistry with a guy friend and only realized it after one month of being around him everyday (it sort of hit me out of the blue- I then realized how well we get along and how happy he makes me). I've also had that sort of "wow" when I saw someone across a room, but I find that rarely works for me. Usually the guy feels the "wow" about me too, but after getting to know him, I find he's really more wowed at the prospect of getting acquainted with my vagina rather me as a person.
RDawg Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Chemistry is important initially. It is the spark that sets things off. But it is no guarantee of long term success. My experience: the ones that start off hot and heavy end badly. 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Chemistry is important initially. It is the spark that sets things off. But it is no guarantee of long term success. My experience: the ones that start off hot and heavy end badly. Plenty of partners are actually really into each other from date one. Not every successful long term couple feels mediocre about each other when they first meet... Plenty of couples actually feel decent chemistry from date one. And don't have to "grow" to feel crazy about someone. Some people are nuts about each other from the start and don't "need" time to figure out if they actually feel hot for someone.
regine_phalange Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Chemistry is that intrigue, this satisfaction that you feel around the other person, and its mutual.
TintedChrome Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Sounds like chemistry is something emotional/romantic/sexual. It's a feeling. The feeling that you're excited to see someone and can't wait to get naked together. It's more than lust. It's also an emotional fondness and a feeling you were meant to be together. Now, I'm guessing that you also need compatibility to make a relationship last. Compatibility meaning the logical, quantifiable stuff, like similar lifestyles and life goals and values.
ae86drift Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I've been on a date with this girl she said there is no chemistry between us, and she think is best we can be friend I'm cool with that because all her Ex's are loser and crack head anyway lol
MixedUpChick Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Sounds like chemistry is something emotional/romantic/sexual. It's a feeling. The feeling that you're excited to see someone and can't wait to get naked together. It's more than lust. It's also an emotional fondness and a feeling you were meant to be together. Now, I'm guessing that you also need compatibility to make a relationship last. Compatibility meaning the logical, quantifiable stuff, like similar lifestyles and life goals and values. This has been a really interesting thread to read through. I've been on 4 dates with a man I like - as a person - because we seem to be really compatible. Unfortunately I don't feel any of what I'll call romantic chemistry toward him. We've kissed some but when we were kissing I kept thinking "I hope he doesn't think we're going to do anything more". I don't know why I don't feel it, I've dated other men who I felt chemistry toward, but not this one. He seems to be a genuinely nice person, but I'm just not feeling it & I wish I was. Chemistry is a pain in the you-know-what.
BluePink Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I'm currently in a crisis! After dating several guys including a slob, a sociopath and someone who just decided one day he didn't love me, I've met a guy who is really pretty nice. I find him pleasant looking, he's generous, kind, family-orientated, hard-working, attentive and doesn't mind me having a career, or doing what I want to in life. The problem is, there's zero chemistry. I'm trying so, so hard to let some develop because I know how much he loves me and what I mean to him, and how good a guy he'd be to be with, but it's not there. It's really frustrating, after all this time, to meet someone who ticks almost every box but who is someone I just don't connect with. I don't enjoy kissing or being close to him, and I have to force myself to be romantic around him. I know it's unfair to him if I continue, but I'm waiting it out just a little longer to see if anything changes, but at this stage, it doesn't seem like it will. It's not an easy space to be in, for him, or for me :-(
MixedUpChick Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 This is exactly the situation I described in my post. I kept seeing him because I was hoping that as I got to know him more, I'd feel something for him, but it hasn't happened. BluePink, how long have you been dating this guy?
GirlontheLam Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks for your replies. I would like to get input on another question that I have. How often do you meet someone that you have chemistry with? For me, it seems to be really difficult. I usually can tell if I like someone within the first 10 to 15 minutes of a date. Why is it so hard for me to find someone that I like? Am I the only one having this problem? I think I have chemistry with quite a few people, but it doesn't always pan out into something more. I'll just talk about the past few people I have been out with lately (or have felt chemistry with): 1. Online guy: conversation was super easy, I felt a bit of chemistry but I was also in a space where I was a little puzzled because of guy #2. This guy is pretty ideal on paper, we have lots of common interests, but there are a few things that I haven't figured out if are deal breakers. And well he is confused or busy or something anyway, we are a little overdue to meet up again. We have gone out 2x but haven't gone past hugs. And I don't know if he wants FWB or something more. I.e. he hints at FWB and acts like he wants long-term. 2. Met in a store (stranger pickup!): I thought he was attractive, not exactly my type per se. Good conversation. The chemistry hit after a few minutes of conversation, when we shook hands. Once we crossed the "touch" barrier it was like full force. Now we are "seeing each other" and the physical chemistry is very good. We have lots of stuff in common, and there are some things that I don't know yet if are deal breakers. But there is a special sort of connection there, so I decided to explore it a bit more. 3. Current co-worker #1: I started a new job a few months ago, and he was the second person I interviewed with. There is a ton of chemistry there. (And he has dimples, my favorite feature!) But you know he is a coworker. But during the interview process, we went over the important stuff, and then started on the social stuff. I owe him drinks right now. We are both flirts by nature, so part of it is flirting, and part is chemistry, but we are strictly friendly. (2 flirts, one room = bad idea). 4. Current co-worker #2: he is new over the past couple of weeks. And we actually hit it off pretty quickly, with a similar sense of humor. Alas, another co-worker. I haven't had so much chemistry with coworkers it is quite strange. For me personally, I need there to be chemistry to pursue something. Chemistry can develop over time though (at least for me,) so if we're romantically compatible, I'll give it a little bit of time to see if the chemistry develops. I agree, there are really 2 paths for me: chemistry whether physical or emotional. I am very likely to continue with someone where I have lots of emotional chemistry to see if physical chemistry develops. If there is only physical chemistry, it will end pretty fast for me. There are people where physical chemistry developed after compatibility was confirmed. I meet people that I like. I meet people that like me. However, usually I meet guys and we both seem to be not all that interested in one another at all. I am 30 years old so I know what chemistry is. I think some of the repliers are taking this question to another level. So, let me ask the question another way: Out of 10 people you meet or have went out on dates with, how many have you had chemistry with? Of the last 10, I'd say 3. I am only counting the dates here. Someone that you connect with in an emotional and physical way. Someone you have similar interests with, good conversations, and can see yourself being serious with. I thought this is what chemistry was.....if not, please help me understand. It is a little more complicated in my eyes. More of a feeling of being drawn to someone. It doesn't always mean that it is someone that is likely or practical to have a relationship with. For example, I mentioned the guy I am now seeing. The chemistry is quite a lot. He is definitely a 10 on the chemistry scale for me. But a decade ago I met another 9-10 on the chemistry scale, but he was too old for me. And it was too much (and not practical). Another guy I met several months ago was also in the 8-9 neighborhood. He was taken, but still kept flirting with me, I didn't find out he was taken until several weeks of escalating flirting. The few times I went on 1st dates with men I didn't feel chemistry for, we didn't have 2nd dates. For me in part the initial chemistry is more of a lust/attraction thing. From there it grows based upon them as a person. Of all the long term relationships I have had -- ranging from 2 to 12 years (been married to DH for 5, together for 7) -- all but one started by me looking across a room & thinking WOW. The one that didn't start that way for me, started that way for him. I'll go on dates if I think you are attractive, and I like spending time with you, even though we don't have chemistry. For me a date is an excuse for a good time.
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