cherryringpop Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 my situation is a complicated one, but i need some help with what to do. you know, the big "WHAT TO DO." So, i live w/ my bf. but he's never officially made himself my bf. we just understand that we are both exclusive and care for each other, etc.. now this should be an ideal situation, but i find myself perpetually unhappy. here is why: -i'm jealous for no reason, all of the time. his ex(es) calls him, or he mentions his ex(es) and i get immeadiately, whole-heartedly sad. and i don't even know why. and i constantly find myself comparing myself to her in a "would he have been happier with her?" manner. which is pointless. he's not with her, right? but i tend to, in passive retaliation, talk about my exes. and then get mad when he's not jealous! -he gets mad when i try to talk about feelings, which means i ask a small question, like "are you ok?" and he gets mad at me for making assumptions and says, "everything's cool, so why can't i just relax." but i can't relax, so i do this fairly often, which leaves me always thinking he is annoyed with me, which isn't fun. and no matter how hard i try to not dwell, and stop asking him questions, i still can't seem to do it. which makes for very unhappy people in this apartment. you see, it's a problem for me that he won't talk about feelings, so i keep trying to get him to do it. which is a problem for him. and the times this happens are increasing. it's becoming an epidemic. -since he will never say one way or another how he feels about me, outside of "i care," i am constantly worried that he doesn't feel the way about me that i feel about him. worry, worry, worry. and i am IN LOVE with him, and scared since i've never been in love. but does he love me? i don't know. he might not know. it rips my heart out. I never thought that i could turn into one of those annoying, jealous girls. but i'm there! eeek! i am turning into a miserable, fretful person, and i don't want to be this way! i want to relax and have fun regardless of the future of this relationship. can anyone help, or am i destined to be CRAZY?!
moimeme Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Read some of Thinkalot's posts. She's had a lot of trouble with jealousy, insecurity, and questioning. Also, read Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. It's a good book that, among other things, describes the dynamic of the situation you find yourself in. If you can't get a handle on your jealousy, see a counsellor. Jealousy such as yours is a relationship-killer if it doesn't get fixed.
fundamental Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I feel he should be a little more sensitive to your feelings. If I am with someone, the last thing I do is mention ex's....why? because I have no reason to. I bet he wouldn't like it if you kept bringing up ex's, or still talk to them. You two need to sit down and have a talk and find out how to deal with it, instead of bringing up ex's, seeing you feel uncomfortable about it, then brushing it off. Although, there is probably nothing going on between him and his ex-girl's, you need to understand why he still keeps in contact with them. Why does he continue to mention them? Maybe he doesnt realize how bad it's affecting you. Would he be upset if you spoke with anyone from a past relationship? Maybe he doesn't mind, and think you don't mind either. These are some questions to ask him. I guess the key to resolving this situation is COMMUNICATION.
truth Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I think you doesn;t love you and hes with you due to other circumstances.
9Lives Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by cherryringpop my situation is a complicated one, but i need some help with what to do. you know, the big "WHAT TO DO." So, i live w/ my bf. but he's never officially made himself my bf. we just understand that we are both exclusive and care for each other, etc.. now this should be an ideal situation, but i find myself perpetually unhappy. here is why: -i'm jealous for no reason, all of the time. his ex(es) calls him, or he mentions his ex(es) and i get immeadiately, whole-heartedly sad. and i don't even know why. and i constantly find myself comparing myself to her in a "would he have been happier with her?" manner. which is pointless. he's not with her, right? but i tend to, in passive retaliation, talk about my exes. and then get mad when he's not jealous! -he gets mad when i try to talk about feelings, which means i ask a small question, like "are you ok?" and he gets mad at me for making assumptions and says, "everything's cool, so why can't i just relax." but i can't relax, so i do this fairly often, which leaves me always thinking he is annoyed with me, +which isn't fun. and no matter how hard i try to not dwell, and stop asking him questions, i still can't seem to do it. which makes for very unhappy people in this apartment. you see, it's a problem for me that he won't talk about feelings, so i keep trying to get him to do it. which is a problem for him. and the times this happens are increasing. it's becoming an epidemic. -since he will never say one way or another how he feels about me, outside of "i care," i am constantly worried that he doesn't feel the way about me that i feel about him. worry, worry, worry. and i am IN LOVE with him, and scared since i've never been in love. but does he love me? i don't know. he might not know. it rips my heart out. I never thought that i could turn into one of those annoying, jealous girls. but i'm there! eeek! i am turning into a miserable, fretful person, and i don't want to be this way! i want to relax and have fun regardless of the future of this relationship. can anyone help, or am i destined to be CRAZY?! Sounds like you are something to do until something else better comes along. He is not telling you how he feels because he does not want to hurt your feelings. He talks about his ex's because he know that you cant do anything about it since you are not offically his girlfriend. You have to make a choice...dont let him do it. He is going to pull the rug from under your feet if you do. He is not treating you that well. I would start dating other men. Your the Whatever girl....who is convenient ....for now that is. Take your heart back.
Nocturnal Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Here's some random other type of advice: Why are you living together in a 'relationship' if you're not officially in LOVE? It is not his fault you've accepted this situation of events. If you love him and he doesn't love you, what's the point? And your jealousy issues are easily found, at least to some degree, he talks about his exes and this shouldn't really bother you since he's with you, but the problem is, it's not 'official' so you probably feel like there's a chance he could slip back to an ex since the attachment between you isn't solid. Which I think it would be better if it was. Secondly, the question "Are you ok?" are one of the most weird questions in a relationship. Because if you feel good the question can be an annoyance because it is often asked with such a downer of a voice. Guys in general usually doesn't want to be made to talk about their feelings, if they feel down and they want to share, they will. I cant speak for all guys but my experiences with myself and others usually suggests that. Ask if he loves you and demand a straight answer. Sure, sometimes feelings are a bit up and down but he should be able to desypher something and if he isn't, you'd do better in moving on. In my opinion.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 since he will never say one way or another how he feels about me, outside of "i care," i am constantly worried that he doesn't feel the way about me that i feel about him. worry, worry, worry. and i am IN LOVE with him, and scared since i've never been in love. but does he love me? i don't know. he might not know. it rips my heart out. I'm sure Alphamale will make his presence known on this thread and give his thoughts on this..But I will jump in here to start it off. This guy seems to be the 'typical' male. Not sharing feelings...Telling you HOW he feels etc. Has he ever said I LOVE YOU to you? Watch closely...He may be one of those guys, where actions speaks louder than words...And when those words come you have to trust him and read between the line abit. He does care, he is living with you. How is your sex life? He may not feel comfy in discussing his feelings. Don't push him into discussing it either as you're just gonna piss him off and he'll close up more on you. Give him little hints, do nice things for him...Show him how much YOU love him in actions too, not just words...Then see what happens and how he reacts to you. In time, when he is ready he'll come around. That is the secret to men. Let them feel like they have the control and just let them handle it the way they know best...As soon as you push they run like a scared rabbit! Good luck though!
alphamale Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup I'm sure Alphamale will make his presence known on this thread and give his thoughts on this..But I will jump in here to start it off. This guy seems to be the 'typical' male. Not sharing feelings...Telling you HOW he feels etc. The main problem with men sharing their feelings and emotions with women is that once we start to do this then the woman tends to look at us as emasculated, desperate and weak. You know....the mental picture of the groveling, emotional and needy male who expresses his every thought, emotions and what he feels. I mean it is OK for men to do this once in a while but if a man starts doing this regularly then women start to think of him as weak. Women always want us to express more feelings and emotions but when we do then they react adversly. Feelings and emotions are female territory.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 The main problem with men sharing their feelings and emotions with women is that once we start to do this then the woman tends to look at us as emasculated, desperate and weak. You know....the mental picture of the groveling, emotional and needy male who expresses his every thought, emotions and what he feels. I mean it is OK for men to do this once in a while but if a man starts doing this regularly then women start to think of him as weak. Women always want us to express more feelings and emotions but when we do then they react adversly. Feelings and emotions are female territory. Holy cow do I ever agree with ya on this one. You're right though, once in a while is OK but all the time would be kinda weird. I know my husband tells me atleast once a day I love you. Either on the phone from work or before we go to bed or in the morning (after AM sex! LOL!)... That last part is very true. But mostly for me (not speaking for others...) once you've been with someone LONG enough you shouldn't need to have those touchy feely kind of talks...Usually those are in the beginning or if there are problems in the relationship. For us, I know his actions speak for themselves. Most of the time anyway.
Author cherryringpop Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 hey everybody who has responded to my post: thank you all so much! some of you have confirmed my fears, and some of you have given me hope, but all of you have given me different perspectives and that always helps. things are in a strange state of limbo right now since he still does not tell me how he feels about anything, butwe did have a "talk." He says he knows he doesn't show his feelings, but that i should know how he feels based on his actions. he also says he is still not boyfriend. it's all very muddled and hard and confusing, because this is like living in the minute before you get a shot. like i'm just waiting for the needle prick. i know he is going to break my heart, but i want to stay. i know that i am strong and i should leave. i spend a lot of time crying. on the bright side, he has agreed to try and not mention his exes. he swears he didn't realize he did it so frequently. eeesh. are there any nice guys out there who don't do this "i'm too tough for feelings" thing? seriously?
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