Bishop556 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Without going into much detail, I was experiencing an emotional breakdown about two months ago. My ex and I had a fight and I raised a fist at her. I was going through a panic attack and she was yelling at me, but that is no excuse for my behavior. I tried to apologize twice to her, once with a candle and a card and the other with a heartfelt three page letter, but she wanted nothing to do with it. I offered couple counseling as well, but she didn't want to go. She has moved on within a months time with someone else. She has hurt me in multiple ways post break up, but I feel deep regret and remorse for my actions. I feel much more emotionally stable and happy, but I feel terrible knowing I made the one woman I loved scared of me. We haven't talked for the last three weeks, but I feel the need to make peace with her. I truly cared for her, and while the fight got out of control, we had a loving relationship for a year and a half. I'm not abusive. I had to come to terms with my mistakes, but I know for a fact that I am not an abusive partner. I am a very loving human being that would go to the world's end for the person they care about. I have made many mistakes in the past, and I have so much guilt for my actions that I feel I cannot move on without making peace with her. I'm such a scumbag for even threatening to hurt the one I loved most. I need to ask this as it has been plaguing my mind for a while: would you leave your partner if they raised a fist at you, but was truly remorseful for what they did and wanted to make the relationship work, and if the relationship was loving until then? She told me she was fearful that the relationship would be unhealthy, but how is offering couple counseling, as an attempt to make the relationship work, unhealthy? I feel like a total *******. I feel like complete scum for everything I have done.
Haydn Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You raised a fist? Did you hit her? Its important. Raising a fist is a threat. But carrying though is another. Without going into much detail, I was experiencing an emotional breakdown about two months ago. My ex and I had a fight and I raised a fist at her. I was going through a panic attack and she was yelling at me, but that is no excuse for my behavior. I tried to apologize twice to her, once with a candle and a card and the other with a heartfelt three page letter, but she wanted nothing to do with it. I offered couple counseling as well, but she didn't want to go. She has moved on within a months time with someone else. She has hurt me in multiple ways post break up, but I feel deep regret and remorse for my actions. I feel much more emotionally stable and happy, but I feel terrible knowing I made the one woman I loved scared of me. We haven't talked for the last three weeks, but I feel the need to make peace with her. I truly cared for her, and while the fight got out of control, we had a loving relationship for a year and a half. I'm not abusive. I had to come to terms with my mistakes, but I know for a fact that I am not an abusive partner. I am a very loving human being that would go to the world's end for the person they care about. I have made many mistakes in the past, and I have so much guilt for my actions that I feel I cannot move on without making peace with her. I'm such a scumbag for even threatening to hurt the one I loved most. I need to ask this as it has been plaguing my mind for a while: would you leave your partner if they raised a fist at you, but was truly remorseful for what they did and wanted to make the relationship work, and if the relationship was loving until then? She told me she was fearful that the relationship would be unhealthy, but how is offering couple counseling, as an attempt to make the relationship work, unhealthy? I feel like a total *******. I feel like complete scum for everything I have done.
Author Bishop556 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 I did not hit her. Even though I was undergoing a panic attack, I stopped myself. I didn't lunge at her either.
legion113 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I did not hit her. Even though I was undergoing a panic attack, I stopped myself. I didn't lunge at her either. First you have to really forgive yourself. Forget about making peace with her, make peace with yourself. She was probably going to leave you anyway, she was just looking for an excuse, the fight could have been one if you hadn't raised your fist. 2
Haydn Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Well stop beating yourself up. You hurt her yes but you were not weak enough to hit her, good for you for not doing this. Being provoked is not easy. But you did not rise. My ex begged me to hit her. I never did. I just sat down and took the blows. You will be ok and dont explain yourself to her. I did not hit her. Even though I was undergoing a panic attack, I stopped myself. I didn't lunge at her either.
Author Bishop556 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 She told me she was unhappy before the relationship ended. She said my depression was making her college experience less worthwhile. Funny, when she experienced depression, I was always there to help her, and I would not imagine leaving her. I can see the signs now. I would tell her that she was the best thing that has ever happened to me, but she would seem guilty when I said it. She would tell me that you shouldn't say that as if it didn't work out between us, she did not want to hurt me.
CaliBabe Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I need to ask this as it has been plaguing my mind for a while: would you leave your partner if they raised a fist at you, but was truly remorseful for what they did and wanted to make the relationship work, and if the relationship was loving until then? She told me she was fearful that the relationship would be unhealthy, but how is offering couple counseling, as an attempt to make the relationship work, unhealthy? I feel like a total *******. I feel like complete scum for everything I have done. Yes I would leave my partner for raising their fist to me. It is a sign that he is capable of hurting me. Men are physically stronger and it can be very scary for a woman to have a man come after them. As women, we want to feel secure. We want to know we can trust the man we are with for our protection. The fact that you raised your fist to her lets her know that you, (the man she loves) is capable of violence to her. Take this as a lesson learned. At any point, if a relationship gets physical from either end, I think it has reached a crucial point. As adults we need to learn to walk away before things get out of hand. I am really sorry you are hurting, and I don't want to make you feel any worse, I am just being honest. Learn from this and you will be better in your next relationship. 1
Haydn Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Cali i agree with almost everything you say. But my ex battered e on a weekly basis. I never raised a fist but i defended myself which was taken as raising a fist. But a woman who hits her man an with reckless abandon is the same as a man who hits. Yes the fact that stronger stopped me. But is this not the same? Yes I would leave my partner for raising their fist to me. It is a sign that he is capable of hurting me. Men are physically stronger and it can be very scary for a woman to have a man come after them. As women, we want to feel secure. We want to know we can trust the man we are with for our protection. The fact that you raised your fist to her lets her know that you, (the man she loves) is capable of violence to her. Take this as a lesson learned. At any point, if a relationship gets physical from either end, I think it has reached a crucial point. As adults we need to learn to walk away before things get out of hand. I am really sorry you are hurting, and I don't want to make you feel any worse, I am just being honest. Learn from this and you will be better in your next relationship.
legion113 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Cali i agree with almost everything you say. But my ex battered e on a weekly basis. I never raised a fist but i defended myself which was taken as raising a fist. But a woman who hits her man an with reckless abandon is the same as a man who hits. Yes the fact that stronger stopped me. But is this not the same? Women because they are weaker in general (have you seen my last pic LMAO, hitting me would be like hitting steel, buaaahahaha, ok, Im nuts..so what) anyhoo, yeah women because they are weaker tend to be more abusive mentally and verbally. I think that hurts even more, as it tends to stay with you long after the fight. I only had so much mind bleach with my ex.
Author Bishop556 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 How can I forgive myself for my mistake? I know I apologized many times, but I feel like a terrible person. She was my first girlfriend, and we had such a wonderful relationship. I'm not abusive, I know that and I believe she knows that as well, but I can't believe I would hurt someone I loved like that.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 How can I forgive myself for my mistake? I know I apologized many times, but I feel like a terrible person. She was my first girlfriend, and we had such a wonderful relationship. I'm not abusive, I know that and I believe she knows that as well, but I can't believe I would hurt someone I loved like that. You just have to. You screwed up, and the mistake was costly. But letting that same mistake defeat you over and over is counterproductive. Just get to the root of your anger issues and make sure that this doesn't happen again. That's all you can do. But yeah, letting the same thing continually defeat you doesn't serve a purpose.
CaliBabe Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Cali i agree with almost everything you say. But my ex battered e on a weekly basis. I never raised a fist but i defended myself which was taken as raising a fist. But a woman who hits her man an with reckless abandon is the same as a man who hits. Yes the fact that stronger stopped me. But is this not the same? Like I said in my response, abuse on either side is when the relationship reaches a crucial point. Where it is to a point where the relationship will never be the same. I think abuse from a womans hand is not okay either. Abuse and physical violence is never okay, male or female. Once it reaches that point from either side, it will never be the same.
legion113 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 How can I forgive myself for my mistake? I know I apologized many times, but I feel like a terrible person. She was my first girlfriend, and we had such a wonderful relationship. I'm not abusive, I know that and I believe she knows that as well, but I can't believe I would hurt someone I loved like that. Hopefully you have unconditional love for yourself. If you can't forgive yourself how can anyone else.
Author Bishop556 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) I just feel very hurt that I tried everything to preserve the relationship, but it wasn't enough. Even when I offered couple counseling, she wanted nothing to do with it. Hell, she wants to be friends. I don't understand how you can view someone as abusive, but still want to be friends with them. How is it unhealthy to offer couple counseling to make the relationship healthy? Edited January 5, 2014 by Bishop556
Author Bishop556 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I know our break up was caused by actions. I want to make peace with my ex and her friends, not as in an attempt to emotionally manipulate them, but to sincerely apologize and make peace. I am contemplating sending her friend a message asking if I can apologize in person to her. Is this a good idea?
mantlefan Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 5 months ago I would have said absolutely, yes! I think it's going to end up making both of you feel worse, especially you. I know from experience.
Maaikekf Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 If your eally want to apologize to her, then don't send a message to her friend, but send it directly to her. Even better to just pick up the phone and call her, or just drop by. However, I do not know the specifics of your break up, so before you do anything of the kind, think well on what exactly you're trying to accomplish. If you want to apologize just to be able to let the past rest, then a lette may suffice. If you want to be able to keep in touch, then you'd have to take a more personal approach. On the whole, think well on whether or not you'll have the desired effect. And consider her feelings as well, she may not be pleased about any contact, in which a letter would be best. I guess it depends on both your personalities, and on the way the two of you broke up.
Recommended Posts