Elias33 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I would never do such a thing. Leave this up to the betraying parent. They may have been a lousy spouse, but don't take away their chance to be a good parent. When time goes along also, much more perspective can be offered. In the mean time, mommy and daddy are having some problems. Especially when children are young, it is far more important to give them two parents they can look up to, then to get your "revenge" or inform them of your personal troubles. When daddy has a drug problem, you tell the kids, daddy is sick. When he is dead, you tell them he is in a better place. When he lost all the rent money on gambling, again, you do not go into specifics just so you can secure the good side of your children when sh<@ hits the fan. Children will always want to know everything about everything, that doesn't mean you always tell them the specifics. A young mind is a terrible thing to waste. 1
Fluttershy Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 If either of my parents cheated and they reconciled I wouldn't want to know. If they divorced I sould want to know. As a BS I would still love them both the same. They are human after all and f up. I forgve my husband I can forgive mom or dad. I do not condemn those that tell. But unless the A is really apparent, the kids are in tune that something is up, the marriage is ending I don't buy that it is lying to your kids NOT to tell. I think it should be treated as a need to know. At the time of my husband's affair my kids were toddlers. Um no not tellin them even if we had split. So i get the age appropriate. I think if you disclose later is if the topic comes up with your kids. Like if someone you know has an affair and your kids are interested in the subject. An open door to say. But I parents choose to never tell I can't say you'll ever know if that was a bad idea or not. Just think, For all I know my parents could hae had infidelity happen!
Trnamakesnse Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Lets just say at 15 had my mother told me it wouldn't have ended well. She raised me to be loyal and honest and never to betray anyway and at 15 those were very passionate feelings for me. I would have gotten over it and have though she never told me looking back I know. We've never discussed it and I've never wanted to ask, she's happily married for the last 14 years now.
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I'm not sure how it would be possible to a kid to learn about an affair, and NOT develop a negative bias toward the cheating parent. That is some seriously heavy baggage to work through, reconciling the daddy who loves you with the one who risked the whole family's happiness to bang a chick half his age. For the proponents of honesty, exactly what conclusions are you hoping the kid will come to? What is gained from exposure to that level of detail? To me, "mommy and daddy are having issues, but we still love you, and it's not your fault" seems like the right balance. You are acknowledging all may not be well, without leaving your kid to process all the negative emotions surrounding an affair. I was 14 when my mom told me my dad cheated. It took until my early twenties to repair my relationship with my dad. My relationships with other men still suffer as a result of my cynicism and trust issues.
melell Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 No they shouldn't. They will deal with it from a childs perspective, with a childs brain. They should be told as adults, so they can logically and rationally deal with it with an adult brain. I stand by this 100%.
Stranger516 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 IMO, no. Why should you burden the child with the parents f***ups? Some things are better left unsaid. I was 11 years old and I knew my mother was cheating on my dad before he knew. I couldn't bring myself tell him though..... obviously he found out on his own and that was the end of that. If I didn't find out on my own I wouldn't have known because they never told me. There is absolutely no reason to tell your child that. It will only cause harm, not good. You are not LYING to your child, you are PROTECTING them. Don't have them think of one parent as the "Bad guy". That is my opinion so I hope no one gets offended by it if they think otherwise.
Eatspice23 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I would say a lot would have to depend on the children's ages.
Tshel Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I found out about my mothers affair when I was 14. It was awful. I confronted her about it and she denied it. Then I got proof and I have never been able to trust her since then. I now realize that my mom is not a superhero and that she's not perfect. I'm okay with the fact that she's a real person and that she makes mistakes, but now I will forever view my mother as a lying whore. You kids do not need to know about an affair unless they find out on their own, and in the case that they do find out do not lie to them. Please don't lie to them. Had my mom not lied to me maybe I'd just think she was a whore instead of a lying whore. Don't tell children, they don't need to know and they probably don't want to know
SoleMate Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) So if Daddy can't get it up and it is affecting your sexual relationship, should they learn how to deal with that too? Some situations are ADULT situations, and an affair is one of those things. Agreed. Most problems between a married couple (or a divorcing couple) should stay between them. Even garden variety stuff, like "Your father always took me for granted" or "Your mother was never really invested in this relationship". Sexual issues, money issues, behavior around others, housework, employment, flirting, laziness, substance abuse, infertility, even theft and fraud.....I really can't think of a single problem between parents where it would benefit the children to know the details. The big picture, yes....the fact that there are disagreements or that the marriage is ending. I remember how I felt as a kid when I saw my parents having serious disagreements...kind of like a mouse when the elephants are stomping around. "Daddy cashed out his retirement account and never gave Mommy her 50% that she was entitled to." <-- Might make Mommy feel better but does NOTHING good for the kid. "He spent it on hookers." If Mommy is in prison, no need to show the kid the charging sheet from the prosecutor. Edited February 19, 2014 by SoleMate 1
nittygritty Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Psychology Today has a good article with some guidelines written by Dr. Scott Haltzman. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-infidelity/201305/should-the-children-know-youve-had-affair "Is it right to involve the children? But should parents tell about the affair, particularly if a child is able to understand the nature of infidelity? Let’s look at the argument that such knowledge is hurtful. It is true that children can be hurt by finding out this inconvenient truth about one of their parents. And, ideally, we ought to avoid unnecessarily hurting our children at all costs. But the unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be. I think it’s also a mistake, though, to conclude that all children should be told about an affair. When couples are affected by an affair, they have the challenge of establishing a truthful and open relationship, but they also have the task of rebuilding trust. Before the parent who has been cheated on assumes that the child must know, it’s worth asking what the motivation is. After all, if you’ve been the victim of an affair you know it can generate a tsunami of negative emotion. When you turn to tell your children, are you sharing the knowledge with them because it’s information they must know, or are you telling them to vent your own anger or to inflict damage on your spouse? Your children should not be used for hurting others or as your personal therapists. Making the call. So, should you tell your kids about an affair? Here are some guidelines for helping you make this important decision: Probably not: If the couple agree that they wish to remain in an intact marriage and continue to live together, and the person involved in the affair is no longer in the picture, then there is probably no reason to involve the children. It’s none of their business, and may stir up negative emotions for everyone involved. Possibly so: Even when parent stay together, if one of the people involved in the affair was a neighbor, teacher, or other person who the family no longer has contact with, the child may need a deeper understanding of why the “friendship” ended. Possibly so: If the couple continue to work on the marriage, but many people in the community already know the affair has happened, and there is a good likelihood that the child will find out anyway, it may be better to hear it from their parents first. Probably so: If a couple choose to stay together but are clearly in emotional turmoil related to the aftermath of the affair, then the children may need to understand why their parents are behaving as they are. Probably so: If one partner wishes to separate from the other either because the unfaithful one wants to continue the affair, or the affected partner cannot bear to live with a cheating mate, then if the children are of an appropriate age, they deserve a clear explanation of what is going on. Moving forward. Protecting the well being of your children is the most natural thing in the world. That’s one good reason not to have an affair in the first place. But if the devastating effects of an affair have hit your family, then you should try to protect your children from the negative effects. However, if you can’t find a way to peacefully work though the aftermath of infidelity, then you may not be able to shield your children from the truth. That means that both parents must sit with the children, and get ready for a long talk. From that point on, the whole family has the challenge of rebuilding together." 1
nais Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 They don't need details just that things did not work out. If one is willing to discuss the affair then also discuss what lead to it. If they become older and want to learn about why then perhaps that would be an ideal time as they will be in a position to understand that sometimes things do not always work out. They will also understand that when things do not work out, as adults you try to live respectably despite something that was done. That is their parent, and to make them chose sides regarding something the parents are having issue over is not fair. I watched my parents battle in front of my younger sisters over infidelity- I lost respect in both of them because I could not look up to them as parents at that time. It went from being something they dealt with to something we all had to endure with them. They did not divorce but I wont ever forget my baby sisters crying because they did not understand- despite my mothers vocalization over the situation. When she told my brother and I , who were in our younger adult years, I personally thought- what do you want me to do? Telling is a means of pitting children against the one who strayed. Its between the two parents leave the kids out.
Got it Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Once it happens bam there exposed! You cant pretend it hasn't happened! Everyone has a right to make a free choice and your taken that away, forcing kids to live a lie! What about when they find out? because if one thing should come out of affairs it should be knowing that the truth always comes out. So then your left with finding out both your parents lied to you. I disagree. I found out years later my mom had cheated when I was younger. I did not feel lied to, I felt like it was none of my business. Now it did annoy me when my dad told me because it was the final nail in the coffin of my opinion their marriage was a complete disaster on both sides and should have divorced decades prior. So I was annoyed with both of them for continuing their dysfunctional relationship but it was what it was. Speaking as "the child" and for my siblings this didn't devastate us or greatly impact our opinion, good or bad about either parent.
Got it Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Agreed. Most problems between a married couple (or a divorcing couple) should stay between them. Even garden variety stuff, like "Your father always took me for granted" or "Your mother was never really invested in this relationship". Sexual issues, money issues, behavior around others, housework, employment, flirting, laziness, substance abuse, infertility, even theft and fraud.....I really can't think of a single problem between parents where it would benefit the children to know the details. The big picture, yes....the fact that there are disagreements or that the marriage is ending. I remember how I felt as a kid when I saw my parents having serious disagreements...kind of like a mouse when the elephants are stomping around. "Daddy cashed out his retirement account and never gave Mommy her 50% that she was entitled to." <-- Might make Mommy feel better but does NOTHING good for the kid. "He spent it on hookers." If Mommy is in prison, no need to show the kid the charging sheet from the prosecutor. Ugh I agree. We were thrown into the middle of many of their fights and the sounding board for every grievance, annoyance, and transgression. It is the worst place to be in as a kid just fighting to stay neutral but still "supportive".
Shepp Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) Speaking as "the child" and for my siblings this didn't devastate us or greatly impact our opinion, good or bad about either parent. So it didn't for you, and that's great - but it would impact mine if I ever found out something like that would of hit me really hard and definitely impacted on my relationship with the parent in question. I wouldn't love them any less of course, but I would feel like we had no common ground and stood for such different things. You cant predict which way your child will go, so if you have an affair that's the risk you run isn't it? Edited February 25, 2014 by Shepp
Got it Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 So it didn't for you, and that's great - but it would impact mine if I ever found out something like that would of hit me really hard and definitely impacted on my relationship with the parent in question. I wouldn't love them any less of course, but I would feel like we had no common ground and stood for such different things. You cant predict which way your child will go, so if you have an affair that's the risk you run isn't it? Because you are hypothesizing and I am actually speaking from experience. A WORLD of difference.
Shepp Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Because you are hypothesizing and I am actually speaking from experience. A WORLD of difference. I don't really see why that affects what I said, but okay, take an example from One of my mates then. His dad cheated on his mum, now he sees his dad not that much, I remember his dad buying them tickets to a Liverpool football match, and I remember my friend turning him down because he was going grocery shopping with his mum - we were about 16/17 then, and my friend had long made up his mind that though he was his dad he could never forgive him totally for how much he hurt his mum... I just can't understand, I can't. Even taking my gf out of the equation, i look at my two gorgeous baby boys and I have no idea how a bloke can ever take the gamble of ruining his relationship with his kids (or even just not getting to see them every day) for a bit on the side!
KathyM Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Psychology Today has a good article with some guidelines written by Dr. Scott Haltzman. Making the call. So, should you tell your kids about an affair? Here are some guidelines for helping you make this important decision: Probably not: If the couple agree that they wish to remain in an intact marriage and continue to live together, and the person involved in the affair is no longer in the picture, then there is probably no reason to involve the children. It’s none of their business, and may stir up negative emotions for everyone involved. Possibly so: Even when parent stay together, if one of the people involved in the affair was a neighbor, teacher, or other person who the family no longer has contact with, the child may need a deeper understanding of why the “friendship” ended. Possibly so: If the couple continue to work on the marriage, but many people in the community already know the affair has happened, and there is a good likelihood that the child will find out anyway, it may be better to hear it from their parents first. Probably so: If a couple choose to stay together but are clearly in emotional turmoil related to the aftermath of the affair, then the children may need to understand why their parents are behaving as they are. Probably so: If one partner wishes to separate from the other either because the unfaithful one wants to continue the affair, or the affected partner cannot bear to live with a cheating mate, then if the children are of an appropriate age, they deserve a clear explanation of what is going on. Moving forward. Protecting the well being of your children is the most natural thing in the world. That’s one good reason not to have an affair in the first place. But if the devastating effects of an affair have hit your family, then you should try to protect your children from the negative effects. However, if you can’t find a way to peacefully work though the aftermath of infidelity, then you may not be able to shield your children from the truth. That means that both parents must sit with the children, and get ready for a long talk. From that point on, the whole family has the challenge of rebuilding together." Well, this is the advice from the experts, and I think it makes a lot of sense. If the couple plans to stay together, the children should not be told, unless there is a good chance they will find out. If the couple decides to separate permanently, then the kids should be told, and as the expert said, "they deserve a clear explanation of what is going on." I think that makes a lot of sense. Kids need an explanation if their family splits up.
SoleMate Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Kids need an explanation if their family splits up. "Daddy was getting blow jobs from nasty hookers while he was on business trips." "Mommy refused to have sex with Daddy, and when she did agree she acted bored and couldn't wait to get it over with." "Mommy/Daddy is just a useless bore and I can do so much better." "I realized that I was sickened by his potbelly slapping into me during sex." "Mommy refused to treat her recurrent vaginal infections and the cheesy smell between her thighs was bad enough, but the fact she didn't even care about my feelings or requests made it clear that this marriage is over." "Your father is a fiend for oral sex and I just got sick of him lunging at my privates." "Mommy was going online looking for men to have sexy emails and cam chats with. And promised she'd stop but didn't, and lied about it." "Daddy was going online looking for women to have sexy emails and cam chats with. And promised he'd stop but didn't, and lied about it." "Daddy was going online looking for MEN to have sexy emails and cam chats with. And promised he'd stop but didn't, and lied about it." "Daddy spent over $130,000 on luxury electronics, his gun collection, strippers, and bar tabs for his posse while Mommy was working two jobs." Really??!!
Shepp Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 "Daddy was getting blow jobs from nasty hookers while he was on business trips." "Mommy refused to have sex with Daddy, and when she did agree she acted bored and couldn't wait to get it over with." "Mommy/Daddy is just a useless bore and I can do so much better." "I realized that I was sickened by his potbelly slapping into me during sex." "Mommy refused to treat her recurrent vaginal infections and the cheesy smell between her thighs was bad enough, but the fact she didn't even care about my feelings or requests made it clear that this marriage is over." "Your father is a fiend for oral sex and I just got sick of him lunging at my privates." "Mommy was going online looking for men to have sexy emails and cam chats with. And promised she'd stop but didn't, and lied about it." "Daddy was going online looking for women to have sexy emails and cam chats with. And promised he'd stop but didn't, and lied about it." "Daddy was going online looking for MEN to have sexy emails and cam chats with. And promised he'd stop but didn't, and lied about it." "Daddy spent over $130,000 on luxury electronics, his gun collection, strippers, and bar tabs for his posse while Mommy was working two jobs." Really??!! Because that's super age appropriate!
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