JennieB123 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 This is my first post, please bare with me. I have always thought that I had a very happy marriage. I know that others would envy my life. My husband is a caring and thoughtful person and a wonderful father. Over time he has shown less affection for me and seemed to be more interested in his own interests then things we can do together. I confronted him about this several times, but nothing really changed. I was not unhappy, just missed his attention, so I decided that it really wasn't that bad, and I spent more time on my interests. We spent this past summer fixing up our house and paying off our bills...there were new career opportunities for us both, and we were spending a lot of time as a family (1 child). I had to leave town for a few days because of a death in the family. When I came back we decided to invite some friends over to see the improvements we made on our house. We invited 2 couples that we have spent just about every weekend with for the past 6-7 years. I made everyone dinner and we had a nice time. I was exhausted when they had left and fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I found my H asleep in front of the computer, and then saw that he was in a conversation with my friend that had been over that night. It was ....pornograhic to say the least. I started yelling at him...what on EARTH are you doing? That is my friend!!! (Mind you, she is not in the happiest of marriages and has made that known for some time). I was furious that they would talk to each other that way. In the midst of my yelling fit, I made a comment about him having sex with her...and he told me that YES, he was. I was completely floored. They had been talking on the phone and computer for about a month, and they had met up in a hotel room while I was out of town. They both called in sick from their jobs and spent the day together. I found out the week of Thanksgiving. We started counseling right away, and I'm really trying hard to get though this. I just don't understand WHY. This has not only affected our lives, but everyone of our friends now knows. I try so hard not to think of it, but I think about it ALL THE TIME. I picture them together. I hate it. I feel like such a fool. I don't know what to believe anymore. The fact that she was my friend, that she would actually come to my house for dinner knowing that she was just with my husband.... I feel sick everyday...
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You aren't a fool. I can completely understand why you would feel sick from the double betrayal. If your husband is serious about saving your marriage & has cut contact with her, work with your counselor. If he is not giving 110% to restoring your faith in him and re-earning your trust, a divorce is your only option. 2
Arieswoman Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 JennieB123, I am sorry for your pain. This is a real lousy double-whammy. Not only have you been betrayed by your husband, you have been betrayed by your BF as well. Well, now you know she isn't your BF you can kick her to the kerb. D0nnivain is right. You husband must go all the way on this if you are to even attempt to sort it out. Make sure he has gone NC with your so-called "friend" and take it from there. Has he apologised yet?
ComingInHot Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Has he ended the A with her? Do you know this for SURE?!? Did you tell her H? What does Your H have to say? Is he remorseful about his actions? OR is he he regretful he got caught? What is he DOING to prove he is where he wants to be with you, your child and families?? I send you ALL good and strong thoughts!! And you WILL get through this starting with one moment at a time, then one hour at a time then day by day REGARDLESS of how this A affects your M. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Wow - this is a very familiar story to me unfortunately. My xmom and his bs were friends with us - we were close - we did things continually with a few other couples, went to church together, on vacation together, out to dinner, they hung out at our house a lot. Xmom and I crossed boundaries we should not have crossed and it was devastating for everyone. (I am a BS as well but I didn't know my husbands xmom very well - not the same). I can't completely help you with the BS side of things in your situation other than from my husbands perspective and a little of what I know of his BS's words in the months following the big dday. His BS told my husband that finding out about the affair was worse than when her father died suddenly a few years earlier and she had a very difficult time with that. My husband told me awhile after that one of the worst things for him was that xmom was his friend and his friend did that to him. If a friend would do that to you then how do you ever trust anyone? This will be messy, because unless you all are different and can work things out in a different way, things will never be the same. You will have to tell her husband and you will need to cease contact. Be prepare for some ugly fallout from your other couple friends. They will not know how to react and they will feel like they need to choose. Some will probably slip away from both of you and some might choose sides (that is extremely painful). You need to sit down with your husband and a decision needs to be made how you will go forward from here. Are both of you all in with the idea of saving the marriage - if you are, hard and difficult decisions will need to be made. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It really sucks. 2
yellowmaverick Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 "My husband is a caring and thoughtful person" No, he's not. You just THOUGHT he was. Caring and thoughtful people don't cheat on their spouses. The most difficult aspect of an affair is coming to terms with the fact that your spouse is not who you thought he was. I am so sorry that he did this to you. 1
harrybrown Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Did you ask your H if he used protection? Has he been tested for stds? Ask him if she is pregnant. If he is not remorseful and going NC and being transparent, then show him the door. Sorry you are having this double whammy.
yellowmaverick Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 "Did you ask your H if he used protection? Has he been tested for stds?" ^^^This is very important. STDs are pretty common in affairs - make sure that you get tested. My STBXH picked up a pretty nasty STD from his mistress, and several people in my support group learned about their spouse's affairs from STDs that were passed to them by their spouses. Don't take his word on the results - ask to see a copy of the lab report. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Lots of questions for you to answer. Then you'll get some irreplacable advice here, and some shi tty. What's probably most critical for us to know is about your husband's actions since Dday. Some couples manage to both end up happy staying together (it takes years). Many cannot. Most of it is really dependent upon your wayward spouse and outside of your control. There's a lot of people here that have been thru this traumatic experience. I think it's a great place for wisdom and camaraderie. Keep reading and posting. ETA: you can most certainly survive and thrive after this, however your marriage goes 1
Steadfast Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 "My husband is a caring and thoughtful person" No, he's not. You just THOUGHT he was. Caring and thoughtful people don't cheat on their spouses. The most difficult aspect of an affair is coming to terms with the fact that your spouse is not who you thought he was. This is a valid point. Truthful...even to a fault. He does not love you as much as he loves himself. This is proven by his actions. His words, whether they be excuses, arrogance, pleas for forgiveness or blame shifting all point to his needs being met first. He's wiped his feet on your promises. His actions are not mistakes, as many like to say. They're decisions. This is critically important for you to understand because many (possibly, even your councillor) will try to play off his actions by describing them with a word that does not fit by definition. His actions are determined by his mindset. For him to change, he'll have to dramatically change his lifestyle. Because D-Day was over a month ago, you've lost your chance to act decisively. Had you written just after the discovery was made, I would have advised you to send him packing and begin divorce proceedings. I am not kidding. Again, many will say that's far too drastic or too much, too soon, but I firmly believe that a strong, decisive reaction to cheating offers the very best chance of saving the relationship and family unit. He needs to understand you will not tolerate that in your life. He needs to build that level of respect for you and for your relationship to survive. If he gets the message, changes and you buy in, you've survived and thrived. If he doesn't, he wouldn't have anyway and you're better off without him. As it stands, your marriage as it was is over because the innocence of it has been destroyed. Can it be rebuilt into something stronger? That depends on you together and individually but you cannot love enough for two. My advice is to take a hard, firm stand. Resist the temptation to punish, play games, threaten or control. Draw a line and define it. This, or nothing. Keep posting. You're in good company here. 1
winny Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 This is my first post, please bare with me. I have always thought that I had a very happy marriage. I know that others would envy my life. My husband is a caring and thoughtful person and a wonderful father. Over time he has shown less affection for me and seemed to be more interested in his own interests then things we can do together. I confronted him about this several times, but nothing really changed. I was not unhappy, just missed his attention, so I decided that it really wasn't that bad, and I spent more time on my interests. We spent this past summer fixing up our house and paying off our bills...there were new career opportunities for us both, and we were spending a lot of time as a family (1 child). I had to leave town for a few days because of a death in the family. When I came back we decided to invite some friends over to see the improvements we made on our house. We invited 2 couples that we have spent just about every weekend with for the past 6-7 years. I made everyone dinner and we had a nice time. I was exhausted when they had left and fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I found my H asleep in front of the computer, and then saw that he was in a conversation with my friend that had been over that night. It was ....pornograhic to say the least. I started yelling at him...what on EARTH are you doing? That is my friend!!! (Mind you, she is not in the happiest of marriages and has made that known for some time). I was furious that they would talk to each other that way. In the midst of my yelling fit, I made a comment about him having sex with her...and he told me that YES, he was. I was completely floored. They had been talking on the phone and computer for about a month, and they had met up in a hotel room while I was out of town. They both called in sick from their jobs and spent the day together. I found out the week of Thanksgiving. We started counseling right away, and I'm really trying hard to get though this. I just don't understand WHY. This has not only affected our lives, but everyone of our friends now knows. I try so hard not to think of it, but I think about it ALL THE TIME. I picture them together. I hate it. I feel like such a fool. I don't know what to believe anymore. The fact that she was my friend, that she would actually come to my house for dinner knowing that she was just with my husband.... I feel sick everyday... I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are not a fool and this is not your fault. Please do not blame yourself in any way. I would say, just go way from all this for a while, take a break somewhere.... where you can think clearly. Don't talk to your husband at all. After you decide what you want, then come back. In your place, I would end it. I have no respect for such a person. And without respect and trust... no relationship will work. Cheating is not forgivable for me... but guess it is not so black n white for others.
thummper Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Jenny, you need to decide what YOU want to do. Do you love your hubby enough to forgive him and try to reconcile? Or is the betrayal by these two people more than you can deal with? How many threads have I seen on this forum in just the short time I've been here where the wayward spouse hooks up with the best friend of the betrayed spouse?! There will always be a metaphorical knife handle sticking out of your back thanks to this double betrayal, even if you "forgive" and try and save your marriage. Only you can determine if you want to do this.
VeronicaRoss Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' isn't really true. Just like the physical body, the rest of ourselves can be permanently damaged with limited mobility. Some recovery better than others, that's a gift and/or an act of will. No, you don't ever really get over it. You just get used to living with the pain. You'll feel it less often, but it's really surprising how it doesn't disappear. And you're expected to be the strong one. Not fair, but the reality you've been given. I hope you protect yourself from more of the same, whatever that takes.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I am six months out and I can't tell you it will get better very fast. I'm having a hard day unfortunately. RIght now I feel like men are pigs and a.ssholes and I want them all to die. That being said, it's an off day and I don't always feel that way. The thing is though...I didn't turn to someone else when I was unhappy in this marriage. I was alone and cried myself to sleep. He's the one who slept with his ex girlfried and destroyed me emotionally and wasn't there for me when my body shut down physically. sometimes I wonder why I'm still here. OK. So..I'm not helping you at all, am I? I think what I'm trying to say is that if you are feeling angry, hopeless, homicidal and low self esteem then you are 100 percent normal. However, YOU are not the issue here. HE IS. SHE IS. Are there things you could have done differently in your marriage? Yes. But NOTHING excuses an AFFAIR. If she was unhappy in her marriage that is her problem and now she's made it all of your problem. Stupid .... no. No. I'm in no shape to be calling names and it's not right. It's just how I feel. Right now I hate my husband and I hate his stupid little ass ex. But at the same time I love him and I feel sorryfor her and how far she's fallen (not that she hasn't before..she cheated on my husband years ago and probably many times on her a.sshole of a husband).
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