jackie24 Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I never thought I'd go through something like this. I don't know where else to turn for advice, none of my friends seem to understand. This is my story.. I'm 24 years old, I'm single, never married, I've been seeing this married guy from work for the past three weeks. I always felt attracted to him but he's married so I never thought about actually dating him. So one day we started talking and one thing led to another.. when it started he said he felt he could get deeply involved with me because it happened to him once before when he was engaged (oh, he's been married for only 2 years by the way) and I'm like well that can't happen cuz we can't have a real relationship if you're not single, so I ended it for a day or two and then I felt this need to see him, to hold him, so I told him we'd have a sexual relationship only, no feelings involved. He agreed (though he kept saying he still felt he could fall for me eventually) and we started seeing each other a few times a week.. He kept calling me, asking me what I was doing, telling me he was thinking of me, and I was like you don't have to do that, this is only a physical thing, but he kept treating me in such a sweet way that even though I KNOW there can't be anything serious between us.. I started getting used to the attention, I looked forward to his calls and sometimes we'd meet only to kiss and hug, nothing else.. I know he goes home to someone else but to me it's sort of a comfortable arrangement, meaning that I can have time to myself (which is mostly the problem in all my serious relationships) and well, I don't have to wonder where he is when he doesn't call, I know he's probably with his wife. And I like the attention, I think not even my boyfriends before called me as much as he does. So this week he's been working a lot and we haven't been able to see each other as much (except at work which doesn't count, no one knows anything over there), so I saw him yesterday for like 10 minutes and then he had to leave for a dinner at his parents, so I'm fine with that, and he tells me he'll call me later in the night so we can see each other again. I was going to this party where my mom was going too (I still live at her house and she obviously doesn't even know of his existence), so I went for like 2 hours and left early so it didn't seem too obvious to leave when my cell phone rang. It was 7 pm, I thought well it's still early.. I drove around for exactly 4 hours waiting for his call. I called him at 8:30, 9, 9:30 and he didn't pick up.. I know I shouldn't have done that but I was so sick of driving around, at least I wanted to know if he couldn't make it so I could go home or do something else. I went home at 11, I called him again at 11:15 and let it ring once, just to see if he would at least call back.. nothing. So I went to sleep and he called at 10:30 am.. he asks me if everything's okay and I'm like yeah, of course.. cuz I think I did enough by calling him 4 times, I wasn't gonna say anything, trying to keep some dignity. He asks if everything's okay like 3 times, and that what did I do last night and I told him the half-truth, that I left the party at 9 pm and called him a few times and then went home to sleep.. very relaxed, like something that happens every day. So then he asks me if I met any guys at the party and I'm like no.. so then we talked about random stuff, work etc, and he says he'll call me in a while.. I knew he got off work at 4 pm, so I waited to see if he'd call but he didn't, so I called him at 5 and he was home, I asked him if he was alone and he said yeah.. so I told him the truth, that I wanted to see him, and he said that he wanted to see me too, that he had to go out at 7 so he'd call me around that time to meet somewhere for a while. I was all happy thinking I'd see him (thing is I'm off from work since Wednesday till tomorrow so I couldn't see him there these days, and it's not the same anyway), surely he wouldn't do what he did last night, but yeah he did. I ended up going to a friend's house to ask for advice, cuz I did not want to go home. I just got home and I've been staring at my cell phone all night for nothing, no call from him, nothing.. And you know, what people don't understand is that I'm not picturing him in bed with his wife, or out with his wife all happy together, I'm not dying of jealousy here, what hurts me is that he couldn't even make a 1 minute phone call to tell me that he couldn't make it, cuz surely at some point he had the time and space to do that. If he did the same thing last night and didn't even apologize, why do it again? He could've simply told me that he'd try and see me later during the day, no promises or anything, and I would've been okay with that, at least I wouldn't have been anxiously waiting for his phone call like an idiot. I know I was the one who told him that it would be a sexual thing only, but he keeps acting like it's something else and then he does this and I don't know what to think.. I know I don't have any rights, I can't actually say any of this to him cuz I was the one who decided it would be a sexual thing, I can't say that it hurt me cuz no feelings are supposed to be involved in this. I act so cool and relaxed around him that he probably thinks I didn't even notice that he didn't call (although yeah the 4 times I called him last night probably gave me away..). This is all very difficult for me. I don't know if I'm starting to develop feelings for him, thing is I can't get away from him now. I've thought about it, and even "ended" it at one point. It all happened too fast in such a short period of time, I'm trapped for now. So I'm gonna be honest here, I'm not gonna end it now.. I work with the guy, I see him everyday, I'm not gonna be able to be okay without him if I have to see him everyday, not for now. I just don't wanna get like this when he does **** like that, right now I don't know what to think, is he the one who wants to end it now? He did that last night, did it again tonight.. is he trying to send me a message? We were friends before, he knows he can be honest with me, I'm not gonna get all crazy and call his wife or anything like that. There's a party tonight from work, I have to go, I don't have a choice, and he'll be there, and what if he doesn't call during the day? How am I gonna face him at that party? How should I act? Hell, how should I act if he calls during the day? I'm not gonna call him, no matter how bad I feel, he's the one who screwed up again.. Please help. Thanks in advance.
j_nelson Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 He has a wife and presumably a family to worry about before he gets around to you. Maybe he had to do something with his wife, the person he actually has a committed relationship with...did you ever think of that? In addition to this, you are the one who declared this was strictly a physical relationship...so ....if you don't like it find someone who's single with more time for you.... P.S. Driving around for 4 hours waiting for him?
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Jackie, Re read your post here, you did infact answer alot of your questions by how you expressed yourself. You are speaking from the heart, not your head. That is a good thing, honesty...BUT in this situation it is only leading you to more heartache and pain. BIG TIME. You're getting more attached daily. You know he is married and cannot really give you what you want. This will never change. I am not saying this to be mean, but this is why I said you're speaking from the heart, not your head. Do NOT let your heart rule on this one. IF this was a single guy, Oh man, I'd tell ya GO FOR IT and give it all you got!!! But he is NOT single, he is married therefore in your heart even though you want him to love you, care for you, be with you...He can't. HE may say he does, but his actions will always speak otherwise. Just the truth and trust me on this one, after reading many many situations on this site just like your, it is like a story book, just different characters, slightly different situations...But the end result with a twist is always the same. Sadly for you, broken hearts. So I'm gonna be honest here, I'm not gonna end it now.. I work with the guy, I see him everyday, I'm not gonna be able to be okay without him if I have to see him everyday, not for now. I just don't wanna get like this when he does **** like that, right now I don't know what to think, is he the one who wants to end it now? He did that last night, did it again tonight.. is he trying to send me a message? We were friends before, he knows he can be honest with me, I'm not gonna get all crazy and call his wife or anything like that. Jackie, your heart does not want to end it, that amazing feeling you get when you're around him. That is wrong just because he is married! YOU can stop, and YOU can say NO. Yes, it will hurt but better now than 6 months from now as you say,"I'm not gonna get all crazy and call his wife or anything like that..." Okay, right now you feel this way, but people can do stupid crazy things when pushed past their limit. NOT talking Fatal Attraction here, but your need to FEEL from him, to desire him, will take over and you won't think period. You will just do. Don't assume you know what he is doing or thinking. You don't know for sure what goes on behind closed doors and he isn't going to tell you anyway. He has a life, a family, friends (DOES he have children? Are they planning kids?) and a WIFE. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Sounds selfish. Sounds cruel not only to you, but TO HIS WIFE. How do you think she would feel now knowing about you? She will be deeply hurt. And angry. She doesn't deserve this .... IT IS HER HUSBAND and he is so so so wrong right now by doing this to you. AND he knows it too. NO matter what he tells you, sweet nothings and all, sex etc...HE is married and always will be. There's a party tonight from work, I have to go, I don't have a choice, and he'll be there, and what if he doesn't call during the day? How am I gonna face him at that party? How should I act? Hell, how should I act if he calls during the day? I'm not gonna call him, no matter how bad I feel, he's the one who screwed up again.. Please help. Thanks in advance. Go to the party. Hang out with your friends. Ignore him, let him approach you. If he doesn't call SO WHAT? Make yourself believe right now that it doesn't matter. LIE To yourself because right now you have to get out of the habit of thinking of him sexually, emotionally and physically. Save that LOVE and desire for somebody who will love and cherish YOU! Think this Jackie, here is a guy who wants you. Makes you feel good...BUT HE IS MARRIED already. Why would you want that? Yes, he may make your heart flutter...BUT he is just not worth it. You can give to him and love him all you want, the decesion is yours obviously...BUT just know, he CANNOT return that love you expect back...He CANNOT give to you as you freely give to him. Think hard about this. HURT like hell more now, get it over with NOW. I can Promise you 6 months or less if this is still happening- You will be crushed and posting here completely devasted and down. Let your friends KNOW what is going on. Vent to them, allow them to help you get over him. Good luck and keep on posting!
mourningMM Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I started answering you, and decided it was more about me...so I began a new thread. Please look at Physical Affairs vs. Emotional Affairs. I think you made it easy on him and difficult on you when you declared that it would only be a physical affair. For a woman, I don't see how that could ever be the truth. He is married...you should respect his committment even if he doesn't. Although it will hurt and be difficult to get out now, if you stay in it will hurt MORE and be MORE difficult to get out. Affairs that are physical involve guilt...and that is not a good base on which to build a long term relationship.
BoatingBabe Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Jackie, get out now while you can...a few weeks investment is nothing. This man will only hurt you further, rip out your heart, and dwarf your self esteem. (trust me, I've been there)
Leaf Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Jackie, Save yourself now.. do not continue with this. Trust me, I am an OW. It sucks! It will destroy you. You deserve better than being someones side dish. I've been with mine for a year and a half (he has been married for 6 months - and she found out about us last month). As MourningMM has said, the longer you wait, the harder it will be to get out. Do it now. I promise you that you will be happier with a single guy that gives you all the attention you deserve, than with a man who has to sneak around to see you.
Barby Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 He could've simply told me that he'd try and see me later during the day, no promises or anything, and I would've been okay with that, at least I wouldn't have been anxiously waiting for his phone call like an idiot. I know I was the one who told him that it would be a sexual thing only, but he keeps acting like it's something else and then he does this Okay, I'm not sure how to put this so I hope it doesn't come across harsh or un-helpful. My honest opinion on why he didn't call is... As you mentioned it's understood that it's a "purely sexual" thing..he probably wasn't feeling the need for some outside nookie....for now (in the past couple of days) he's probably satisfied with his wife sexually therefor doesn't see the need to see you. Or maybe he's feeling hella guilty and needs some time to clear his head and evaluate his priorities?! Why do you think he keeps acting like it's more? Is it because he asks you if you've met anyone? That could be... ---He wants to let you down easy and thinks if you meet someone the affair could end easier. ---He could be asking to make sure that you're not having sexual affairs with others and endangering your health, his health, and that of his wife's as well. ---Or the less likely maybe he is having feelings for you and wants to make sure you're not seeing anyone else.
scarletibis Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Jackie, Man, you are in a tough situation, and my only advice is to get out now. Please, you have to leave NOW. I may sound like a hypocrite being that I am an OW myself, but believe me, you DO NOT want this life - especially at only 24 years old. (I am also 24 - and have been with my MM for 4 years.) You have to end this in the early stage. That whole "only a sexual thing" NEVER works out like that. Feelings always grow, trust me on this. I know it hurts, and I know it sucks, but you're only 3 weeks into this thing (not that I am in any way trying to play down your pain, or your feelings, or the seriousness of what is happening.) I myself do remember what it felt like in my mind and heart at only 3 weeks running, and let me tell you, it gets a heck of lot crazier years down the road. You know, I even understand the whole "waiting for his call" thing, but in this type of relationship you just take what leftovers you're given - DO NOT expect him to make you a priority on your time, he'll only make you one on HIS time when he wants something from you. Do you really want this life, this existence? Please Please Please find a way to end it. Maybe things will work out for you, but in all honesty, I'm here to tell you that theres nothing but heartache ahead of you if you continue down this path! Good Luck!
TrustMePls Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 It may seem hard to walk away now, but DO IT! (whether you work together or not) It will be even harder 4 years down the road. He is already showing you a preview of how your relationship will always be. Dont do it to yourself.
BoatingBabe Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 The fact that he is already behaving this way in the BEGINNING should give you a taste of what it's going to be like...Get out now!
Karlise13 Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 In the beginning, it's usually really really great! In the middle, it gets more complicated than you tought it would and it gets kinda bad but also kind of good. In the end, you feel beat up, used, confused, angry at him and angry at yourself. Sometimes there's a second beginning and THAT can be really really good ('fresh start' and renewed romance and all....so exciting!) However, the middle comes a little more quickly the second time around. It usually involves some kind of gut-wrenching disappointment, a brutal kick-to-the-gut type of realization (He really IS a bastard!) or a truly awful argument where cutting remarks are made. And the second ending may be more abrupt. Cooler, more distance, fewer tears. If you care to go through another cycle, you may develop a fondness for alcohol around this point in time....but that's for another forum...
KissMyTiara Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by jackie24 I never thought I'd go through something like this. None of us OW ever think we will. We don't start our dating careers thinking that the ONE guy we are going to allow ourselves to fall madly in love with will be a guy who is MARRIED. It's YOUR CHOICE to stay in this thing. It's an easier choice, a MUCH easier choice, to get out the earlier the relationship. This is NOW. Please, coming from a fellow young, beautiful, smart, educated, witty, talented OW with soooo much to offer a man, trust me, GET OUT NOW. Otherwise you'll end up like me...9 months into a relationship with a MM, desperate to get out, but feeling as though you are stuck in the longest and most elaborate labrynth ever contructed. told him we'd have a sexual relationship only, no feelings involved. He agreed (though he kept saying he still felt he could fall for me eventually) and we started seeing each other a few times a week.. HA!! All of us OW are SOOO kidding ourselves when we think we can get involved with a MM and that feelings will remain outside the box. When you're repeatedly sexually involved with a man, you can't help but catch feelings. It's as though lust/obsession/love/other deep feeling is contagious. I know he goes home to someone else but to me it's sort of a comfortable arrangement, meaning that I can have time to myself (which is mostly the problem in all my serious relationships) and well, I don't have to wonder where he is when he doesn't call, I know he's probably with his wife. And I like the attention, I think not even my boyfriends before called me as much as he does. I can totally relate to this. I have said over and over again that what my MM gives me is what I want right now, that he is enough right now, that our relationship is convenient, right now. However, I am reaching that point, and I am CERTAIN if you stay in this relationship with him you will too, where I can see BEYOND "right now" and I know in my heart of hearts that what he will be able to give me in the future is not enough. It's not. What happens when you realize you want a REAL boyfriend, an engagement ring, a wedding registry, a honeymoon, a new house, baby showers, anniversaries...?? YOU WILL NOT GET THESE THINGS FROM THIS MAN, just as I won't be getting them from my MM. The more I think about this, the angrier I get... I refuse to be the cat lady. If I stay with him, I will be that cat lady, waiting for my MM to come over with some Tidy Cat - because that's all he's going to be able to offer. And how sad is it for me to think this when I am a just-turned 27? Young, vibrant, etc.? It's the MM... his presence... PLEASE, GET OUT NOW!! He could've simply told me that he'd try and see me later during the day, no promises or anything, and I would've been okay with that, at least I wouldn't have been anxiously waiting for his phone call like an idiot. You are lying to yourself here. You obviously have feelings for this guy, and you obviously will never get PROMISES from this guy, because he is not the only one controlling where he is, who he is with, what he has to do, etc., because he is MARRIED to someone who has a say in everything he does. Promises, if made, will be broken. And even if he says he is going to "try" - well, hunny, you and I both know that his "trying" is going to keep you right there by the phone, because oh no! what if he "tries" to call and you aren't available to answer the phone?! Are you going to not go to the movies because you're phone can't ring? Are you going to take the phone into the bathroom with you so you don't miss his call? Are you going to up the ringer and put the phone right next to your bed in case he calls late at night or early in the morning, the only times he's able to get away?? Yes, you will do this, if you stay in this fiasco of a relationship. For all of you who know me and read my posts...I am drunkity drunk drunk drunk. In vino veritas.
KissMyTiara Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 I didn't mean to offend any ladies out there with cats!! But...you know the type of lifestyle I am talking about!
StillHurtin Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara I didn't mean to offend any ladies out there with cats!! But...you know the type of lifestyle I am talking about! Thanks KMT! I have cats!!! LOL!!! I know what you meant. Two cats is enough for me. My kids want more, ugh!!! TG we live in the country so they can stay outside. Anyhow, to the original poster, I am not the OW to a MM, I was an OW to a man who was in a serious relationship (married her after it ended between us.) It's a painful and lonely situation to be in. I agree w/ the other posters. Get out now, you will save yourself a lot of heartache. PLZ take the advice of the OW here.
Owl Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 OK KMT- You and I do NOT get along...we've both acknowledged that...but even I can't imagine someone with your personality as "the cat lady"!!! ROFL...from what I've read of your posts, you're typically the "go out and get what you want" type of lady...and once the smoke clears from your mind from this dilemma you're in now, and you give yourself some time to heal, you'll be doing exactly that. You're far to strong personally to end up as the cat lady!! To the both of you...KMT's advice is dead on...it's YOUR CHOICE. After making the decision, all you have to do is to start down that path. You both sound like strong ladies who can do what you need to...make it happen friends! Seriously...good luck to both of you and I really hope that you both find the strength in yourselves to end it with your MM, and that both of you find the right single man who can treat you both awesomely...like you truly deserve!!
KissMyTiara Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 I am having an empowering day today...can you tell? There are sooo many more important and better things to worry about than my selfish jack*** MM! Pft!
erika2610 Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Hun, you are his LAST priority. I was in the EXACT situation you're in. All I can say is get out.. PLEASE. You can do it. It'll be hard, but you'll feel better for it. I had to face him at work day in and day out. I dealt with it. We just ignored each other. Was actually fun for me, cuz I'd make snide lil remarks, and more people like me than him, so would start in with me Was fun But anyways, if I were you, I would end it and move on. Everybody deserves somebody for there own..
Author jackie24 Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Well.. I got out.. I think. The day after my first post he called in the morning, acting like nothing had happened, he said his wife gave him some sleeping pills and he fell asleep.. so then he said he'd like to see me so I had to drive for half an hour to get to where he was, only to sit in his car in the parking of a McDonald's. We were there for 20 minutes and he told me he'd probably have to take his wife to the party that night.. and I'm like WTF? Something to do with work, blahblah, he can't make anything up so he has to go to the party with her, and I'm like just don't go, stay home or do something else. So he tells me he'll call me later to tell me if he's taking her or not, so of course he never called. I got to the party at 9 and I knew he had work at 8 the next day, so around 11 I said ok, he's not coming, it's too late, and I went to the bathroom and when I get back he's there holding her.. and I went and got some tequila and a cigarette, it was too much. I sat there smoking for a while, then I had to pretend I was having fun so I danced for a while, and he's with her but he's looking at me and I just wanted to die. So I went to the bathroom again and he followed me, knocked on the door while I was inside, and I opened it and then just slammed the door on his face. He took like 4 pictures of me while his wife wasn't looking, but then kept dancing with her and acting all romantic and I was just praying that they'd leave already. So they left, and right then and there I decided I would end it. He calls at 7 am and he's like oh I went to the party just to see you, and I'm like you know, just forget about everything.. and he gets all charming again and I decided to keep on seeing him but told him that it just could not be only sexual, and he's like yeah ok, I'll call you and take care of you.. and then he says I'll call you in 5 minutes.. nope, he never called. I called him like 3 times but didn't pick up. So I thought maybe he'd gone home already and couldn't talk. Next day he calls again from work and he's like oh I'm so happy, I'll see you in about 2 hours (at work) and I told him to just forget about everything, that it ever happened, and he says that he couldn't hear me, that his cell phone sucks, that he'll call me in 5 minutes and of course he did not call. I saw him at work 2 hours later and he was sitting there looking pissed off, and didn't even say hi so I didn't say hi either, and in that exact moment a co-worker tells me that a guy who saw me at the party is on the phone and wants to talk to me so I pick up the phone and he starts walking by, and then left and I haven't heard from him since then. I haven't called him, what for? And THEN I learned that the day he didn't call that I thought he'd gone home, he was at work til late at night and spent the whole time talking to some girl who works there. So I don't think I care much anymore.. I mean I do a little, but I feel so stupid caring for someone who treats me like that. I'll see him again on Friday and I'll just ignore him, he doesn't deserve that I go and say hi to him, not even to pretend that things are alright in front of the other people. Oh I almost forgot.. he introduced me to his wife lol. I had no choice but to stand near them at some point and he says hi and he's like oh this is my wife and I'm like OH GOD, but I had to put on a big smile and say nice to meet you..
Leaf Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 OMG! I cant believe you were as composed as you were. I would have gone up to him and slapped him in the face. What a pig! He is Mr. Big Shot parading his wife in front of his OW at the same time Humiliating his W in front on the OW.. the whole time thinking what a big shot he is having BOTH women in the same room. OMG I would have lost my mind. Dont talk to him again. If he contacts you.. tell him to eff off.
mourningMM Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I agree totally with Leaf! Having you both in the same room socially is the equivalent of sexual menage et trois...the kind of two on one that some people crave, to prove that they are more than one person can handle...to satify a need for attention that is more than normal. I'd say he is completely self-involved, and that the two of you are on the outside of what he thinks is important. You deserve better.
StillHurtin Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Omgosh!!! What a selfish jerk!!! I wouldn't contact him again either. You deserve better than that. His poor W having no clue he introduced her to the OW he is banging.
Barby Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Not only that but it seems that since you told him that you didn't want things to be "purely sexual" he's not contacting you now and is now pursuing someone else you two work with...what's that tell you about him?? And THEN I learned that the day he didn't call that I thought he'd gone home, he was at work til late at night and spent the whole time talking to some girl who works there. Wonder is they were just "talking" What a pig! I hope you realize that you deserve much better!
stormywind Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by j_nelson He has a wife and presumably a family to worry about before he gets around to you. Maybe he had to do something with his wife, the person he actually has a committed relationship with...did you ever think of that? In addition to this, you are the one who declared this was strictly a physical relationship...so ....if you don't like it find someone who's single with more time for you.... P.S. Driving around for 4 hours waiting for him? I really wish people wouldn't come to this board just to attack people. (and I see the moderator already had to remove part of it even). Can this not be a forum where people don't judge??? Where they simply give advice based on people's feelings regardless of what that person did was "right" or wrong" ?????? Can those who want to sit in judgement just visit other forums if this one bothers them so much?????
Barby Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by stormywind I really wish people wouldn't come to this board just to attack people. (and I see the moderator already had to remove part of it even). Can this not be a forum where people don't judge??? Where they simply give advice based on people's feelings regardless of what that person did was "right" or wrong" ?????? Can those who want to sit in judgement just visit other forums if this one bothers them so much????? The moderator did what they were suppossed to do, why nag on about it? Talk about taking the thread off topic and not talking about respecting other people's feelings, you took the thread off topic with your post to me (and sadly I participated) and shouldn't have! Let the mods do their job, and stop pointing out the obvious!
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