Imajika Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Where do I begin? After reading other's posts I've found that sooo many of us are in the same boat.... I have been involved with a MM for the past 2 1/2 years. I knew from the very beginning that he was married (and had been twice before) because he's a co-worker. Yet, after getting to know him and hearing how unhappy, etc. he is I began a relationship with him and fell totally in love. Well, 6 months ago I gave him a deadline and told him that by the end of the year he had to of at least separated from his wife. I'm sure you can guess, it didn't happen. I told him I wouldn't see him anymore but I still talk to him everyday on the phone. Should I stop talking to him except when work requires it? I miss him so much and it's only been a week since I saw him. I don't know what to do - I want him back but I'm afraid it's a dead end. He says he wants to leave her but financially he just can't afford it right now. The thought of living without him is unbearable.... Advice, support, comment please.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Read my reply to Jackie. I covered alot there and it could apply to you as well. I miss him so much and it's only been a week since I saw him. I don't know what to do - I want him back but I'm afraid it's a dead end. He says he wants to leave her but financially he just can't afford it right now. Make the break asap. The sooner the better as you are in it so deep. Find a therapist who can help you sort out those horrible feelings of loss. The thing is, he was NEVER yours. He is married and no matter what he says, to make YOU feel better and more secure, he is NOT gonna leave his wife. Why would he? He has his cake and is eating it too. Pretty obvious. I am not saying that he doesn't care for you, he does in his own way, but he is totally aware of the pain he is inflicting on you and just doesn't care enough because his wife comes first before you. Even that is f'ed up right there because his love really should be just for her...Not 2 women. I told him I wouldn't see him anymore but I still talk to him everyday on the phone. Should I stop talking to him except when work requires it? Stop talking with him period unless it is work related. Keep busy, go do things that you did before he came along. Casually date , see movies, hang with friends...DO not allow him to do this or yourself to do this to him and his wife. Think of her and what she could feel if she found out. She is the wife, you are not. So to him, choosing is a no-brainer. Sorry, not saying that to be mean, but it is the truth and sometimes it does hurt...ALOT...In your case it will HURT ALOT so be prepared for the loss, the hurt that goes with it. You have to do this for you! Find somebody else who will put YOU First and love YOU, not put you second. Any my thoughts on this, take it or leave it, up to you...But I personally think your gut is telling you RUN and your heart and mind now just can't make yourself do it. SO ask friends for help, tell this guy to LEAVE YOU ALONE and try your hardest to have fun at this party!! YOU CAN DO IT...FOR YOU!!! Good luck.
immoralist Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I call it the Affair Trap: the affair relationship status quo is unendurable but so is the loss of that relationship. The Affair Trap becomes more imprisoning the longer the affair relationship. 2 and 1/2 years is a relatively long time to ride the affair roller coaster. Why are affairs so sticky? What is it about affairs that cause beleagured, unhappy OPs to persist against all hope in "No Exit" dead end relationships? I suspect it's something inherent in the affair: the hyper-intense emotional connections, the "us vs. them" defensiveness, the great affair sex--all combine to cause super-normal attachments. And then, there's always the OW's hope that her MM will jettison wife and family for the OW so that she can be an "other" no more. Often an affair, especially a lengthy one, is its own punishment. Affairs devour people like no other relationships. I recommend professional counseling to break the addiction, to open the trap. Good luck.
Leaf Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Originally posted by immoralist I call it the Affair Trap: the affair relationship status quo is unendurable but so is the loss of that relationship. The Affair Trap becomes more imprisoning the longer the affair relationship. 2 and 1/2 years is a relatively long time to ride the affair roller coaster. Why are affairs so sticky? What is it about affairs that cause beleagured, unhappy OPs to persist against all hope in "No Exit" dead end relationships? I suspect it's something inherent in the affair: the hyper-intense emotional connections, the "us vs. them" defensiveness, the great affair sex--all combine to cause super-normal attachments. And then, there's always the OW's hope that her MM will jettison wife and family for the OW so that she can be an "other" no more. Often an affair, especially a lengthy one, is its own punishment. Affairs devour people like no other relationships. I recommend professional counseling to break the addiction, to open the trap. Good luck. Immoralist is 100% right here! wow. I'm impressed man. I got the same excuse about him leaving... He said he wants to be with me, but cant figure how we could do it at this point... ITS AN EXCUSE!!! Thats ALL it is. These guys are scared. They are afraid of what others will say, about being taken to the cleaners in divorce court, all of it. They feel trapped but their fear will keep them in that relationship. I think a part of it to is that in their minds they see staying in the marriage as keeping a commitment (very ironic) but they feel they have broken all the other commitments so they will try and keep this one.
alphamale Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 very few MM actually end up leaving their wives...there is reason they married wife in first place. also...and more importantly, the guy already has best of both worlds...why would he want to change it?!? think about it for a while IMAJIKA.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 If a man can get away with it, then yes - its the best of both worlds for him. The H in this situation is like a puzzle with several pieces: the H in the middle, and the other pieces - the W and the OW - fit around him according to his needs. His W fits on one side, and his OW on the other. Neither piece will fit in the other's slot. Why? Because the W and OW meet different sets of needs. One can't fully compensate for the loss of the other in a case like this. Can it change? Yes, but the H has to figure out which one best suits his needs, and which relationship will work best through the loss of either the OW or the W. Tough to do - when he's convinced himself that he needs them both. It seems so simple: recut your puzzle piece so that only two will work together, and discard the extra. If only it were that simple. Then why is the divorce rate so high? I think its largely because divorce is more accepted than it once was, and people are more willing to divorce for the sake of individual happiness than they are to stay together out of duty or obligation. Maintaining mutual happiness can be hard work - and a lot of people just don't want to put the time and effort into that when it would be easier to go out and find relationships where happiness comes more effortlessly.
Barby Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf Then why is the divorce rate so high? Are you implying that divorce rates are higher BECAUSE the "MM" leaves and divorces his wife for his "OW"?? :lmao:
alphamale Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf No.. I just wonder why its so high. 3 out of 4 times (75%) it is the woman that leaves the man, be it a regular relationship or a marriage.
Mustard Bomb Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 My sense is that sometimes, not in all situations, but sometimes the MM may not feel the OW is good enough for him, since she was willing to put up with so much crap. It does not speak well for the woman's self-esteem or priorities, at all. Of course, that is absurdly hypocritical, but I do think some men tend to marry where they respect, and have sex where they can. I don't know about the divorce rate, but I know just from these boards it's seldom due to another woman - usually money, or general disconnection. According to Discovery Health: Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children. Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower. Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be "badly behaved." Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity. Imajika, hang in there. Try non-contact, and see what he does. Treat yourself very well in the coming weeks: keep a vigourous routine and try to find something to distract you. This is your time - come out of the margins and start to see it as though you have control - you can choose to bother with him, or not. You are not in a waiting room - this is your life.
Bellastella Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 My man left his wife. I guess some do and some don't.
LittleMiss Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Mine left as well. He felt bad because of the kids and we even talked about him moving back. I had him pack and leave, but he couldn't do it. So he and his wife talked and they both agreed that he would not be coming back and they both accepted that and said it was for the best. He was not happy there and in turn she was not either.
Moose Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf Then why is the divorce rate so high? It's not because of affairs....I'm sure that's a majority of it, but now and days, people just don't give a flip about what a marriage really is.....a lifetime commitment. Things get rough, and they split instead of working on it. It's too friggin' easy, and too commercialized.
rtobiejr Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 MM wont leave OW? I think you cut your losses, take this as the wake up call that it is, and call it a night. Only the thought of living without him is unbearable. The reality won't be, especially when you find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated.
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