moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Hi Everyone, So, my A was over. I thought I would do the right thing this time, but I let my needs dictate and override morality. He(MM) tried to contact me a few times after our second Dday and even came to my apartment, but I turned him down. I started seeing someone, but we had a bit of a falling out and I felt he was being too cold so I was seeking extra comfort. Tuesday afternoon I went to a place I knew the MM frequents for lunch and saw him. We met up after he was done with work and had sex. I just missed the attention, and in the moment it felt really good. He expects for us to be together again. I don't want to keep at this, because I don't want him to start up with getting emotionally tied/invested in me again. I just needed someone, and knew he would agree to do things and I kind of had been thinking about him frequently for a while. I also don't want to further disappoint the new guy I'm seeing. I told him I'd be faithful because I really thought I could be with all the attention he gave me then he got cold but is coming around and I like him. I don't want him to know I have hooked up with other people since our spat. I know I'm wrong in doing things but I just can't help it. I feel bad but I can't stand feeling lonely.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You can help it. And, just because you're lonely doesn't mean you have to run into the arms of your exMM or your recent guy, ex guy (sorry not sure if you and him are on halt.). Spend time with family and friends, you don't need a man to define you or make you totally happy. Find "you" again. Find a passion that is not human and live life, do some exciting things, go on a trip with your women friends. You're much stronger than you realize, believe in yourself. This is YOUR life and you make it into be whatever it is. Nobody else can make the changes, only you can... 7
ComingInHot Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You CAN'T help it or you're choosing NOT to help it? Sincere question as I've learned here how A's can be an addiction. What do people with addictions do when they want to quit?
Author moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 When I feel alone or unnoticed I have this strong urge to have someone with me, most times that's just physical stuff. I just have to have someone, anyone. The guy I'm seeing now was great for about two weeks then I got him upset and he wasn't as attentive as he was so I looked for people to give me attention. I put off seeing the MM for a little while and just hooked up with other people I know but because I knew he'd also be willing, I went looking for him again. I haven't told the guy I'm seeing that I've been with anyone else and don't want to. if things go back to how they started I don't think I'd be with anyone else. I don't have family nearby and that's for the best. My friends are hard to explain, most are great to go party with but either I or the other friend have too many vices so we end up doing things we know we shouldn't and don't do a great job looking out for one another, or keep a little distance. I would like to make a deep connection that isn't physical or party related with a woman. I just don't really know how to go about that, guess it would help if I stopped seeking people the way I normally do. I wouldn't know where to begin in finding a passion of my own. I just try to get. I think when people have addictions they stop when they hit the bottom, or realize they hurt someone that cares. I would like to stop but I suppose I find ways to rationalize the hurt I cause. I dunno what my bottom is as far as seeking human company (like the MM). I don't know how to not need physical contact with another.
happy stillmore Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You need same-sex friends. You also need to talk to a therapist. You need to learn to be happy on your own. Seriously, what would happen if God forbid, you were no longer able to have sex or became horribly disfigured due to a disease? You would no longer be able to pick up a man to have sex with. You are USING the men to fix your insecurities. These men know it too. How depressing for you to be in these shallow relationships. It is not scary to be alone. True happiness comes from within. When you learn to find happiness within yourself, you will become as deeper, richer person. This kind of person attracts other people who are real and good. Start by spending time alone, meditating, reading, talking to a therapist, finding platonic friends. Don't be a shell anymore. Get real. Good luck.
ComingInHot Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Reading your posts, it appears that you have a void that you are trying to fill with the physical and emotional fixes by men only the connections are temporary filling the emptiness you have. What kind of HOPE lives within you? You know. That "something" that people seem to have within them that just makes them at peace, fulfilled. Like they know some secret that allows them to Not need (however may want) external bad or unhealthy fixes. Maybe you're just searching for something in the wrong places and aren't ready to look in the right places for whatever reason/s, however misguided or not?.?.** 2
Author moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 In all my years so far, I've gone by with a super close friendships with anyone, besides the MM. I do have female friends, we just don't do much besides party. I have lost a few who moved or moved on with life and didn't want me around. If I were to be disfigured in a way that no one would touch/be around me or was unable to have any type of sexual contact with anyone else, I would die. It is the only time I feel like anything and that's not counting recreational drug use which oftentimes leads to sex anyway. It all is very depressing so I try not to dwell on it. I don't expect the people I let into my life for however long they choose to stay to care about me. If they are satisfied with me in the moment, then I feel good. I have always been that way with people. I don't have any hope that's not tied to how others perceive me. I feel best when I know I'm wanted or needed that's not always sexual in nature but the majority of the time that is the case. Therapy isn't something I will jump into. It has been advised by members of this community, but I am not ready. I wouldn't put forth the required work. I don't feel as though I'm worth the trouble, I am not an abuser, I am just lonely but do what I can to fix that. If no one calls me/answers my calls or spends time with me, then I go look for people who will. I do spend time alone, reading, exercising, cleaning, doing personal things, but I can't be unnoticed when available. Things get really dark then. Today seemed like it was going to be bad, like I wouldn't have anyone around but I won't be so I'm not worried or sad now.
happy stillmore Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You are so wrong about thinking you are not worth anything. You have to look at yourself as valuable. You are, after all, all you've got. You are looking outside of yourself to determine your self worth. In reality, don't give a damn what the world thinks of you. Just KNOW you are a gift to this world. The world is a better place because you are in it. I suggest you write down things you are proud of. Things that make you feel good about yourself. Talk to yourself in words that you long to hear from others. Be yourself's closest partner (I'm not sure that makes sense.) Use pleasant words when you talk to yourself. Heck, tell yourself "I love me. I love me because I am nice, do nice things for others, unselfish, etc." Be your own biggest fan. Try to be others best friend, supportive of others, offer to help in times of need. Try to live without sex for awhile and see how much deeper your life can be. You are a good person. You have great insight into knowing that you want more. That is half of the battle just knowing that.
GG3 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I know what you mean about trying to find women friends to do things besides party. I have signed up for tennis lessons at the local recreation org in my town and signed up to volunteer at the animal shelter. I once took golf lessons and they usually have group lessons for women. I try to find activities to try to meet women friends. That way if we hit it off, we can do that activity together and it is usually early in the day.
aliveagain Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I guess when your married you'll be more understanding if your husband is caught in an affair. Your word is your credit card in life. If you have bad credit you're going to miss out on so much of life.
Author moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I know my word should be my bond, and I used to consider myself an honest person, but as I reflect on things, I never was completely honest. There's always been some secret kept. If ever someone were to marry me(if I ever agreed as well) I don't think him skipping out on me to get a need met will bother me. I understand how that goes. Of course I'll try harder to meet needs but may actually be relieved if he does look for stuff elsewhere. GG3, thanks I hadn't considered that. I am so self conscious, its terrible. I guess that's why I've stuck to meeting people the same way and knowing it doesn't work out for me. Worried that without other things happening around me(parties/drugs) I won't be able to attract a girl friend. I will look into it though, to change things up. happy stillmore, thanks as well. I do appreciate your advice and suggestions. I can't give up sex though, I do it for a living too. I really don't have much else to bring to the table. This is how I get by and this is how my relationships go, they all are tied to it, every relationship I've had in life. Since I've been living on my own, I have more of a need to be with people since there's no one here telling me what to do. I probably sound bad, I do apologize if I seem thick-headed or stubborn. I just am used to life being a certain way, change is welcome, I'm just afraid it may not work for me and I won't be able to survive.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 When I feel alone or unnoticed I have this strong urge to have someone with me, most times that's just physical stuff. I just have to have someone, anyone. The guy I'm seeing now was great for about two weeks then I got him upset and he wasn't as attentive as he was so I looked for people to give me attention. And then you make bad choices, you're so desperate for affection and intimacy to cure your loneliness, you grab any guy without getting to know him and you put yourself in situations where you get hurt. I think you need to be ON your own, learn to be independent and become content and happy without having to rely on a guy to make you feel good about yourself. It's really unhealthy to continue doing what you're doing.
Author moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I do make very poor decisions when lonely. I have been better about some things though. Some times the urge to be with someone is so strong, I put myself in dangerous situations and feel awful afterwards. I do feel guilt for getting back with the MM and agreeing to hook up again, but its like scratching an itch. Every time its that way, but I'll spend time thinking about what will happen to the point I can't think straight and must do something. I considered myself as independent. I don't live with anyone anymore. I am not working and giving all my money and other parts of myself to someone. I just don't have anyone close. I do feel like I am something when I'm with someone for however long or brief doing something for him or her. I don't know how to not have someone appreciate things I can do. That may be unhealthy.
Journee Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I do make very poor decisions when lonely. I have been better about some things though. Some times the urge to be with someone is so strong, I put myself in dangerous situations and feel awful afterwards. I do feel guilt for getting back with the MM and agreeing to hook up again, but its like scratching an itch. Every time its that way, but I'll spend time thinking about what will happen to the point I can't think straight and must do something. I considered myself as independent. I don't live with anyone anymore. I am not working and giving all my money and other parts of myself to someone. I just don't have anyone close. I do feel like I am something when I'm with someone for however long or brief doing something for him or her. I don't know how to not have someone appreciate things I can do. That may be unhealthy. I am so sorry you are hurting. You know, I have been somewhat of a bottomless pit at times too. I crave affection and reassurances. To the point where most people could not keep up. I just needed more and more. It wasn't about sexual gratification for me but feeling accepted and needed, if even for a short time. The problem with requiring someone give to you X amount of attention or else, is that it is unrealistic. There will be times in life when even if you are that person's number one concern on a consistent basis, life will happen and you will have to learn to self soothe. It is not your SO's responsibility to complete you in that way. They should add to your life in a positive way but not be responsible for your happiness every second of the day. I have been guilty of that with my H. To be honest, I have had a mess of life at times. Things that have changed who I could have been and should have been. I then needed near constant validation. I do understand how you are feeling but you know what I have done to change that about myself? Number one, prayer. Two, I ask myself how exhausted I would be if someone held me responsible for their happiness in every aspect of life. That if I had a tough day or week and could not give them the level of intimacy or attention they wanted, I would then have to worry about them breaking my heart. It isn't fair or healthy to put someone through that. Three, I have been through IC. It has really helped me understand the gunk that brought me to acting like that. Your statement about not having anything else to offer but sex broke my heart. That is in no way true! I have felt like that before though. I was repeatedly raped and molested through my formative years and I was so used to being hyper sexualized by men that I did not know my worth outside of the importance of my body. Couple that with toxic relationships where feeling safe sexually was never an option and you get a very confused girl. I really hope and pray that you will get into some sort of IC or support group that will strengthen your self confidence and worth. You are so much more than what you believe. I don't want to be preachy but if you have PM I would love to speak with you. Only if that is something you are open too. I very sorry you are hurting.
Author moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Journee, thanks. I wish that I could PM with you, but it's not enabled on my end. I am sorry that you were hurt. You sound so much like me, though no one settles with me, most of my relationships (not counting this affair) last a couple months then we part ways. Most aren't heavy either, but the current relationship(against all odds seemed like it had potential, but I ruined it I think) I've been active sexually from a very young age too. If not for that attention, I don't know how I would have handled other things. Only person I was able to really talk to about my upbringing is the MM. I still can talk myself out of any therapy. How do you know if you're praying the right way?
lollipopspot Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I considered myself as independent. I don't live with anyone anymore. I am not working and giving all my money and other parts of myself to someone. Curious - how are you surviving financially without working?
ComingInHot Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Oh dear you are Not worthless. You were, believe it or not, perfectly and wonderfully made!! You were Designed to crave love, both physical & emotional. You were Also made to have a space in your spirit that can Only be filled by the one who designed you. You only just have to Choose it. It Will Fill you* It Will satiate this "need" for love, understanding, unhealthy relationships* Is it easy? Well... It's a hell of a - lot easier than what you're doing now And it will give you power you've never experienced before You know... When you're ready. Til then, be safe above all else!
rumbleseat Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 This idea may sound absolutely insane, but I have heard of it being really helpful. You seem to tie your whole value as a human being to sex. That's really one dimensional, and you have so much more to you than that. It also sounds like you are really stuck in a rut. Have you tried, which the full force of al, your effort, to ch age things up a bit and try something new? I once knew a woman who seemed to view herself very much the way you do. She had been,Olmsted Asa. Child, and she came to view herself as worthless unless it came to sex. That was also the only ways she seemed to feel that she could communicate and have any sort of intimacy with anyone. It was almost as if she had never learned how to have a deep sense of emotional intimacy, and she also had very little self esteem and belief in herself. This translated into her being afraid to try anything new, as she was sure she would fail. One day, I mentioned to her that we were taking our kids backpacking and camping. I god her how fun it was, and she actually wanted to try it for herself. She found a local group of women who did wilderness camping on the weekends, and she tried it out. After a few times, her self confidence grew. She had learned that she could depend on herself and the other women, and this began to show up I other areas of her life. She began trying new things, and just blossomed. Of course, I'm not suggesting camping as a cure all, but it is am example of how breaking with one's routine can often make a bug difference in their life. Ere. If it's just little steps, little steps can lead to bigger steps and then you're on your way.
Author moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I am working (sex industry) but in the past I was living with a guy and anything I earned went straight to him. I just worded that wrong.
lollipopspot Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Now i remember you from before. You feel damaged and worthless from all you have been through. It's not surprising that you're doing things to sabotage your sense of yourself.
Journee Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Journee, thanks. I wish that I could PM with you, but it's not enabled on my end. I am sorry that you were hurt. You sound so much like me, though no one settles with me, most of my relationships (not counting this affair) last a couple months then we part ways. Most aren't heavy either, but the current relationship(against all odds seemed like it had potential, but I ruined it I think) I've been active sexually from a very young age too. If not for that attention, I don't know how I would have handled other things. Only person I was able to really talk to about my upbringing is the MM. I still can talk myself out of any therapy. How do you know if you're praying the right way? Whenever you do have PM privileges please feel free to send me a message Some may disagree with me and there are different thoughts on how to come to prayer but in my opinion there is no wrong way. Just begin speaking. I drop to my knees most times or even while I'm driving or doing dishes. Just talk to the Lord. What I wanted to tell you in PM was that when you do not feel loved, or special, or important. When you feel forgotten and lost. There is someone that loves and adores you. That is in awe of you and will walk with you on your road to being who you are meant to be. For me and many others that is GOD. I do not want to thread jack too much as I know this really may not be what the forum is intended for but let me tell you moving, that my life has been in the balance due to some poor coping skills of my own. I should not be here. I should not even be alive. Some may dispute the relevance of GOD in everyday life but without him I am lost. I am not sure of your religious background but I feel deep in my heart and soul that regardless you are loved and really prayer is very therapeutic. Just putting all your worries or praises out into the universe and out of your racing mind. I really do mean it when I say I do not want to come off preachy to you. I just know the immense pain and confusion that must be within you. It is all consuming and I know it is very scary to try to pick a path to healing because it feels so very futile. It is not. I hope that you will come to know that you are a very special person with a purpose on this earth. We are not accidents IMO. You have great purpose. Sometimes it just takes a while to get there. Life is certainly a marathon, lots of scenery on the way. I also want to touch on what you had said about relationships you have had being short in time. Someone that feels the way that you and I do at times can become codependent very easily to the wrong type of individual. This may really be a blessing in disguise for you. The right one will come along in the right time. Once you are able to get yourself straightened out and are able to give that person the kind of selfless love that you also deserve. I know it gets old hearing that and I know this feeling too. I watched my marriage fall apart and just about lost my husband completely from my letting my past run my whole life. I thrived in self destruction and feeling very entitled as to what the world owed me for all the pain I had been through. I had to really tackle all of my issues and I am still not done. I am going to pray for you and again, please feel free to message me when your PM privileges come in. You are a special person that deserves to feel safe and loved. To not have to worry about feeling alone. It is a hard cycle to break, trust that I do know this. Give prayer a try. Just speak. ((((hugs)))) 1
Author moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I will take the suggestion of trying something new, once I'm brave enough to join something I will. I think it would be a great way to meet new people and gain experience. As far as developing a spiritual relationship, I would like one. I am trying, well reading. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, I just get frustrated by the emptiness, and angry. I know I must be going about it all wrong. I need to be more receptive. I'm stuck.
Journee Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I will take the suggestion of trying something new, once I'm brave enough to join something I will. I think it would be a great way to meet new people and gain experience. As far as developing a spiritual relationship, I would like one. I am trying, well reading. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, I just get frustrated by the emptiness, and angry. I know I must be going about it all wrong. I need to be more receptive. I'm stuck. You are not doing anything wrong in trying to embrace spirituality. That is years of pain and confusion speaking. Doubt is always there snuffing out what little hope we often have. It's ok to be frustrated and to be aggravated. It's ok to cry and yell and all of that when working things out. I have done all of those things and I'm sure I will again. Anyone who thinks there is a bandaid to stop the bleeding from a perpetual broken heart is wrong. It's a severed limb not a scratch or cut. It may be something you have to be mindful of for a very long time. That you cannot undo years of hurt in an instant. That is okay. You are not doing anything wrong. Reading is wonderful. Are you reading the bible or another religious book? Whatever your affiliation I think that is great. Even if just from a research standpoint.
Author moving2fast Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) Thank you Journee, I do worry I'm doing something wrong, doubting everything I try to do. I was advised by a poster to try reading the Bible, so I ordered one and have started reading. Some times I just get angry and the reading stops, its only been about a week and a half's worth of reading. Its all new. I should devote more time, but I get angry at times and stop/do something to calm down. Thank you Journee for praying for me. Thank you all for taking time to reply, give suggestions and offer advice. I appreciate it all. Edited January 5, 2014 by moving2fast
Journee Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Thank you Journee, I do worry I'm doing something wrong, doubting everything I try to do. I was advised by a poster to try reading the Bible, so I ordered one and have started reading. Some times I just get angry and the reading stops, its only been about a week and a half's worth of reading. Its all new. I should devote more time, but I get angry at times and stop/do something to calm down. I know this may seem like a silly question but what are you angry about? For a long time I didn't know why I was so angry. I acknowledged some of the muck I had been through but I didn't yet realize that my anger truly stemmed from certain instances, certain people. What is hurting you and why are you angry?
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