Cshopeful Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Here is the letter that I started to my ex fiancé. Please let me know what you guys think and if you think I should send it..... I am not sure what you are trying to prove by not talking to me at all but am forced to speculate about everything now. I just cannot believe that a person that "loved and cared" about me so much would ever do what you are currently doing. You have no idea what any of this feels like despite what might think.....you say you have been where I am but I honestly don't think you have. Have you ever been in love with a passive aggressive person? Have you ever been in love with someone that has had so many previous problems in relationships that you were scared to get too close but it happens anyway? Have you ever been in love with someone that stonewalls and blocks you out of their life and gives you the silent treatment? You have no idea what kind of damage you are doing. My trust has been completely betrayed because I honestly believed that you "loved and cared" for me. Come to find out it was not genuine. I wish I could just forget....pretend like you don't exist....completely ignore you.....be cold and heartless.....show no emotion at all when it comes to you. I am not that person and refuse to become that person. It isn't and never will be who I am. I care too much. I will not change who I am because you cannot deal with things in a mature and dignified manner. I pray for you every single day because I know you are a better person than the person I described above. Instead though.....I remember everything.....you do exist....am attentive.....am warm and passionate......am not afraid to be emotional. This is in no way meant to attack you but meant to help you see the world inside my head right now.
hehrerh Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I know it's hard, man. But sometimes communication is just not the right thing after a break up. Sometimes two people can be friends after they break up, but most times it just means you never see or hear from that person again so that you don't complicate each other's lives. It seems that whether or not friendship can be maintained after a relationship is closely related to whether or not friendship was had before the relationship. Were you friends before you dated?
mammasita Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Oh god no. Send NOTHING. I didn't even read any of what you wrote, please don't send anything. 1
Author Cshopeful Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 We were good friends before we dated and she assured me that we would be best friends after we broke up. Everything she has said since then has proven to be untrue though. I just don't know if there is anything mor I can do.
HeartinPain Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You wrote that letter at a highly emotional state. You are not thinking clearly. I promise you that you will regret that letter in a few weeks once you start thinking logically. Please do not send it! You will be giving the ex power over you. I wrote a very emotional letter to my ex after our BU and I really wished someone would have stopped me from giving it to him. It has been one of my biggest regrets. Please.. I beg you.. do not send that letter. Also... You can't be friends when there are feelings involved. It will just end up with more heartache if you try to be friends at the state you are in currently. She said that to be nice and to ease her guilt. 1
Cakess Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You wrote that letter at a highly emotional state. I agree with this. After something as bad as this, you have to take your mind off it and regain control over your mental health and well-being. Sending this letter would just be proof for him to have forever that he will always have some sort of pull in your life, which won't be true after some years or so being apart. Only focus on bettering yourself, and follow all of the things you wrote in that letter, just don't tell him about it. Let him hear about your success in life through the grapevine.
Still-I-Rise Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/451428-mixed-messages-ex Please give this thread a read when you have time as there is some really good advice from which you might benefit. Edited January 5, 2014 by Still-I-Rise
Kevin_D Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I sent an emotional letter to my ex just after the breakup. I don't regret. Explaining how much she meant to me is not something I'm going to be ashamed of. I just can't flip the switch. I'm a sensitive human being. She told me every day how much she cared for me, how she would be by my side even if I lost my arms and legs in a car accent. Those were lies. She was a liar. But I'm not. I'm not going to pretend that i don't care about her, just to win some post-break-up battle of who could care less. It just shows that the breakup was a good idea. Anyway, the thing I don't understand is... After being a LS member for two months, there seem to be some general advices: - Never get back with an ex - NC is about YOU, not them But also: - Don't let them know that you care about them So my question is: Why does this matter? Does it really matter if we send these emotional letters or not? What's the worst case scenario? Personally, it made me feel a lot better. I felt like I was the bigger person, that I wasn't afraid to express me feelings, that I wanted to discuss the problems before moving on. When I realised that she had no intention of doing so, I respected that and left her alone.
bubbaganoosh Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 We were good friends before we dated and she assured me that we would be best friends after we broke up. Everything she has said since then has proven to be untrue though. I just don't know if there is anything mor I can do. Yes you can. Accept the fact that she isn't who you thought she was and move on. Your doing yourself no good by pouring your heart out to someone who didn't really care to begin with. Like stepping over a dirty dollar to pick up a shiny nickle. You think that she's going to drop everything a come running back to you? Face it, it's over and you need to heal and move on. Best of luck to you.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Letters are always a bad idea. Don't do it. 1
Kevin_D Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Letters are always a bad idea. Don't do it. Why? I can see that they are a bad idea if: a) They slow down the healing process b) They ruin the hope of getting back together I mean, so what if the dumper thinks "What a loser, I did the right thing!"? The only thing that should be of importance is what the dumper feels. In my case, I'm happy that I posted a letter. I haven't had the urge to call her since then. I told her how I felt, there's nothing more to say. That makes it easier for me to move on. She knows where I stand, now the ball is in her court.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Why? I can see that they are a bad idea if: a) They slow down the healing process b) They ruin the hope of getting back together I mean, so what if the dumper thinks "What a loser, I did the right thing!"? The only thing that should be of importance is what the dumper feels. In my case, I'm happy that I posted a letter. I haven't had the urge to call her since then. I told her how I felt, there's nothing more to say. That makes it easier for me to move on. She knows where I stand, now the ball is in her court. If you truly feel that way, then it's not as tragic (though it's still you lowering yourself and making yourself look like a clingy, needy, wuss for no real reason. And not because the other person feels that way -- because I personally don't want to beg and cower and lower myself for another person who doesn't care). But 99 percent of letter writers are hoping for a response, they are hoping for their dumper to be like "oh yeah, I really do love you". They get devastated when that doesn't happen. And when there's no response, they wonder if they should a) write another letter or b) apologize for writing the first letter, especially if that letter is completely negative. They all say they feel awesome after sending it right after the fact because it's a load lifted from their conscience. But that ceases be good enough really quickly and the vast majority encounter a setback and want to try again. And it becomes a cycle. I mean, if you can move on from one letter without any of that, that's fine. But you would be the 1 percent that can. Just because you survived a car crash without wearing a seat belt doesn't mean you should advise others to do the same. 4
Kevin_D Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 If you truly feel that way, then it's not as tragic (though it's still you lowering yourself and making yourself look like a clingy, needy, wuss for no real reason. And not because the other person feels that way -- because I personally don't want to beg and cower and lower myself for another person who doesn't care). But 99 percent of letter writers are hoping for a response, they are hoping for their dumper to be like "oh yeah, I really do love you". They get devastated when that doesn't happen. And when there's no response, they wonder if they should a) write another letter or b) apologize for writing the first letter, especially if that letter is completely negative. They all say they feel awesome after sending it right after the fact because it's a load lifted from their conscience. But that ceases be good enough really quickly and the vast majority encounter a setback and want to try again. And it becomes a cycle. I mean, if you can move on from one letter without any of that, that's fine. But you would be the 1 percent that can. Just because you survived a car crash without wearing a seat belt doesn't mean you should advise others to do the same. I get what you're saying. I have a friend who has been posting emails for a year now. When he doesn't get a response, he get frustrated and writes another one. And then another one, to apologize for the last one. Anyway, if someone acts immature by breaking up over the phone and then hanging up, I wouldn't feel embarrassed if I expressed how I felt in a letter, as long as I didn't use sentences such as "I'll do anything for you, please give me another chance".
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Anyway, if someone acts immature by breaking up over the phone and then hanging up, I wouldn't feel embarrassed if I expressed how I felt in a letter, as long as I didn't use sentences such as "I'll do anything for you, please give me another chance". Honestly, if I did that I'd want someone to kick my ass. Not because I lowered myself in my ex's eyes, because I'm a moron for wasting my time on such a hopeless enterprise. I mean, I wrote the heart-felt letter when I was 18. Was awful. I wrote a letter to my last ex but I never sent it. If the goal is just to get my thoughts out, then why the hell should she get to read them? My thoughts are valuable -- you have to earn the right to know what I'm thinking. 1
Author Cshopeful Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I know I was in a completely emotional state upon writing this, and this is part of the reason why I chose to post it at all. I appreciate the honesty that I have received from everyone - including those of you who are adamant about me not sending the letter and I do understand that this letter pretty much begs for a reply of some sort. I am a bit confused though by the thread if it is called second chances, why is everyone (except Kevin) being so negative about it? I would love a response - even if it is that she never wants to speak to me again, I would accept that. She has moved out of the house and made it clear that she is moving on....including ruining my relationship with my step-daughter, so I am really not sure that there is anything I can do anymore. The damage has been done and I don't know how to go about reversing it. Again, thank you all who have responded! It feels good to know that there are others out there like me and that there are many different perspectives!
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I know I was in a completely emotional state upon writing this, and this is part of the reason why I chose to post it at all. I appreciate the honesty that I have received from everyone - including those of you who are adamant about me not sending the letter and I do understand that this letter pretty much begs for a reply of some sort. I am a bit confused though by the thread if it is called second chances, why is everyone (except Kevin) being so negative about it? I would love a response - even if it is that she never wants to speak to me again, I would accept that. She has moved out of the house and made it clear that she is moving on....including ruining my relationship with my step-daughter, so I am really not sure that there is anything I can do anymore. The damage has been done and I don't know how to go about reversing it. Again, thank you all who have responded! It feels good to know that there are others out there like me and that there are many different perspectives! You can't reverse it. It's up to your ex to reverse her own feelings and there's nothing you can do to trigger that. A letter won't trigger that -- if anything, your ex will find it pathetic and feel sorry for you. And that's not exactly going to restart her engine as far as feeling something for you. I think Kevin would agree with me. His letter was meant to just get everything off his chest (which he could have done without letting her know about it) and close things off. That's not your motivation. Your motivation is to get her back, and a letter would be extremely ineffective in that quest. In fact, it would probably drive her further away.
Kevin_D Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You can't reverse it. It's up to your ex to reverse her own feelings and there's nothing you can do to trigger that. A letter won't trigger that -- if anything, your ex will find it pathetic and feel sorry for you. And that's not exactly going to restart her engine as far as feeling something for you. I think Kevin would agree with me. His letter was meant to just get everything off his chest (which he could have done without letting her know about it) and close things off. That's not your motivation. Your motivation is to get her back, and a letter would be extremely ineffective in that quest. In fact, it would probably drive her further away. Yeah, I agree, but on the other hand I don't think it's such a big deal as long as you don't get your hopes up. I don't think it's pathetic to emotional after something like this and if someone else think it's pathetic, it's really their problem.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Yeah, I agree, but on the other hand I don't think it's such a big deal as long as you don't get your hopes up. I don't think it's pathetic to emotional after something like this and if someone else think it's pathetic, it's really their problem. His hopes are up. Just read his responses. He's looking for a reaction.
ravssss Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 keep it with u now ... send it after some 5 days ... probably after some days when ur calm and relaxed u wud know it urself whether to send or not ...
HeartinPain Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I know I was in a completely emotional state upon writing this, and this is part of the reason why I chose to post it at all. I appreciate the honesty that I have received from everyone - including those of you who are adamant about me not sending the letter and I do understand that this letter pretty much begs for a reply of some sort. I am a bit confused though by the thread if it is called second chances, why is everyone (except Kevin) being so negative about it? I would love a response - even if it is that she never wants to speak to me again, I would accept that. She has moved out of the house and made it clear that she is moving on....including ruining my relationship with my step-daughter, so I am really not sure that there is anything I can do anymore. The damage has been done and I don't know how to go about reversing it. Again, thank you all who have responded! It feels good to know that there are others out there like me and that there are many different perspectives! The problem with your letter is that it is VERY emotional and you are looking for some sort of response and possibly for her to change her mind and take you back. That letter will not accomplish this! It will scare her and push her further away from you. If she didn't respond, it will crush you even more. Plus, there is a high chance that she won't respond to the letter. That letter will put a nail into your coffin by reinforcing why she left you. If you go silent, over time she will wonder about you and probably question her decision. Take some time to heal yourself. In a few months you will be glad you didn't send your letter and walked away with some dignity.
Haydn Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Well i am no stranger to the land of scoff. But do not send this weak epistle. Its cries i am dependent on you for my happiness. YOU are not. Sit on your hands and do nothing.
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