Caught in a lie: Should I confront her or just play it cool?

January 5, 2014

First things first...I love my GF and the thought of losing her boils my blood to be quite honest. She's the type of girl who is a little tomboyish so she's always had lots of guy friends. She has a very bubbly personality and sometimes it's hard to tell whether she's flirting with another guy or just having a conversation.

Anyway, I've noticed recently she's been much less intimate than she used to be. She was always seeking me out to snuggle in the morning / when we go to bed at night. We literally used to be pinned at the hip. We didn't have sex everyday of the week, but definitely several times a week.

She also initiated it quite frequently, whereas now she isn't initiating anything and constantly spurns my advances (had sex once in the last two weeks and only 1-2 times in the two weeks prior and now she started her period today).

When I asked if she was feeling distant, she just played it off as being tired from work. Then, as we start having sex last night (again, hadn't had sex in two weeks) she started saying that was sore during foreplay and wasn't into it.

Well...then the last few days I started becoming suspicious. It kind of started when we were getting ready to watch some South Park, a show that she doesn't particularly like but she watches when I put it on. Well, we were scrolling through episodes, and two in particular she said "I'm pretty sure we watched both of these." So I put one episode on, she says we've definitely watched these before (even though I never saw either episode in my life). I jokingly asked her if she watched it with her other boyfriend, and she couldn't really muster a response.

She has started closing the door while changing (never used to do), being kind of secretive with her phone, always on it when I walked away, seemed to click out of whatever she was looking at when I came back.

This morning we were watching TV and she was flying through her text messages. She stopped at a name I noticed (James) and suddenly reversed in the other direction. Interesting I think to myself.

When she got up and got in the shower for work, I couldn't resist the urge to look at her phone. She had sent a couple text messages to this individual asking him to come see her at work and telling him how excited she was to see him!! (with exclamation marks).

Turns out this gentleman also gave her a ride home from work yesterday. My GF recently went back to this company in December. She was previously with them for an extended period of time but took a different job. Anyway, when I confronted her about the text and the ride, she got really defensive saying "he's a married man with two kids and he'll always be that way." I asked her multiple times if they were ever in a relationship and she said "No, he's married."

After that I said fine, I'll leave well enough alone. However, something kept digging at me. I decided to do something I've never done, snoop through her email, and what I found was shocking. In her GChat history (which she apparently forgot to delete) she had 60+ GChat conversations from back when she was with the company between February of 2012 and August of 2012. They were definitely not talking about work in these chats, and though it isn't blatantly stated, it would seem that they were having an affair for at least 6 months or more.

Now I know that this happened a year-and-a-half ago, but she completely lied to my face about having a relationship with this guy and suddenly he's back in the picture. She says she loves me and only wants to be with me. I want to believe her, but if this is her past then I don't know how I can.

Sorry for the long post. Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle it? Do I confront her now since she lied to me about a past relationship with this guy and hope we can save what we have or should I wait and see how she proves herself going forward? I'm extremely confused on how to handle this because I do love her and feel like we have a special connection, but I don't want to be played for a fool if I'm not getting played already.

Thanks in advance

January 5, 2014

First things first...I love my GF and the thought of losing her boils my blood to be quite honest. She's the type of girl who is a little tomboyish so she's always had lots of guy friends. She has a very bubbly personality and sometimes it's hard to tell whether she's flirting with another guy or just having a conversation.

Anyway, I've noticed recently she's been much less intimate than she used to be. She was always seeking me out to snuggle in the morning / when we go to bed at night. We literally used to be pinned at the hip. We didn't have sex everyday of the week, but definitely several times a week.

She also initiated it quite frequently, whereas now she isn't initiating anything and constantly spurns my advances (had sex once in the last two weeks and only 1-2 times in the two weeks prior and now she started her period today).

When I asked if she was feeling distant, she just played it off as being tired from work. Then, as we start having sex last night (again, hadn't had sex in two weeks) she started saying that was sore during foreplay and wasn't into it.

Well...then the last few days I started becoming suspicious. It kind of started when we were getting ready to watch some South Park, a show that she doesn't particularly like but she watches when I put it on. Well, we were scrolling through episodes, and two in particular she said "I'm pretty sure we watched both of these." So I put one episode on, she says we've definitely watched these before (even though I never saw either episode in my life). I jokingly asked her if she watched it with her other boyfriend, and she couldn't really muster a response.

She has started closing the door while changing (never used to do), being kind of secretive with her phone, always on it when I walked away, seemed to click out of whatever she was looking at when I came back.

This morning we were watching TV and she was flying through her text messages. She stopped at a name I noticed (James) and suddenly reversed in the other direction. Interesting I think to myself.

When she got up and got in the shower for work, I couldn't resist the urge to look at her phone. She had sent a couple text messages to this individual asking him to come see her at work and telling him how excited she was to see him!! (with exclamation marks).

Turns out this gentleman also gave her a ride home from work yesterday. My GF recently went back to this company in December. She was previously with them for an extended period of time but took a different job. Anyway, when I confronted her about the text and the ride, she got really defensive saying "he's a married man with two kids and he'll always be that way." I asked her multiple times if they were ever in a relationship and she said "No, he's married."

After that I said fine, I'll leave well enough alone. However, something kept digging at me. I decided to do something I've never done, snoop through her email, and what I found was shocking. In her GChat history (which she apparently forgot to delete) she had 60+ GChat conversations from back when she was with the company between February of 2012 and August of 2012. They were definitely not talking about work in these chats, and though it isn't blatantly stated, it would seem that they were having an affair for at least 6 months or more.

Now I know that this happened a year-and-a-half ago, but she completely lied to my face about having a relationship with this guy and suddenly he's back in the picture. She says she loves me and only wants to be with me. I want to believe her, but if this is her past then I don't know how I can.

Sorry for the long post. Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle it? Do I confront her now since she lied to me about a past relationship with this guy and hope we can save what we have or should I wait and see how she proves herself going forward? I'm extremely confused on how to handle this because I do love her and feel like we have a special connection, but I don't want to be played for a fool if I'm not getting played already.

Thanks in advance

Asking questions you know the answer to. You've already started the snooping because frankly you don't trust her. It will continue if you stay and things stay the same. For peace of mind start looking for the exit. It'll be easier on you. She knows you know about the guy now soooooo yea. Good luck man.

January 5, 2014

Let her go. She is obviously deceitful and has no regard for boundaries. I promise that this will not end well for you. I promise that you will be better off.

January 5, 2014

Let her go. She is obviously deceitful and has no regard for boundaries. I promise that this will not end well for you. I promise that you will be better off.

My difficulty is she works with dude and she does have to be in contact with him so it's unrealistic for me to ask her to completely cut off communication with the guy (which I would anyway). To take matters further, we met each other at work, so it would seem to be a pattern of behavior and unless she could truly convince me otherwise I'd likely have doubt. I just don't know. I know she'll be mad either way, but hopefully she'll be at least somewhat receptive to what I have to say.

To make things even more complicated, we recently moved in at the beginning of December (coincidently when she went back to her old job). Is there any good that can come out of this situation?

January 5, 2014

Her excuses of not to be with him seemed to be excuses as to why SHE can't be with him, though this detail is redundant now as you now know that their was history between them. You could go with a "hunch" and ask her during a moment where she is clearly focused on you, making the emotional guilt too much for her.

January 5, 2014

If you feel like you need to snoop, be ready to walk because it's already over at that point.

You have your answers already.

January 5, 2014

Her excuses of not to be with him seemed to be excuses as to why SHE can't be with him, though this detail is redundant now as you now know that their was history between them. You could go with a "hunch" and ask her during a moment where she is clearly focused on you, making the emotional guilt too much for her.

So much truth in that one bold statement. How is your gf? How old is this guy? Sounds like he is an older gent playing a young woman like a fiddle.

Have some respect for yourself and just dump her right now op. Don't talk about it, don't ask her to stop talking to him, don't drive yourself crazy trying to play detective. Nah, just dump her.

And if shes already been the other woman in a relationship chances are she WILL cheat on you. Girls like that convince themselves its okay to cheat. Not the kinda person you want to hang around.

Be a man about the situation. Kick her out. Or if its a joint apartment just ignore her till lease is up. LEt her have james.

January 5, 2014

So much truth in that one bold statement. How is your gf? How old is this guy? Sounds like he is an older gent playing a young woman like a fiddle.

Have some respect for yourself and just dump her right now op. Don't talk about it, don't ask her to stop talking to him, don't drive yourself crazy trying to play detective. Nah, just dump her.

And if shes already been the other woman in a relationship chances are she WILL cheat on you. Girls like that convince themselves its okay to cheat. Not the kinda person you want to hang around.

Be a man about the situation. Kick her out. Or if its a joint apartment just ignore her till lease is up. LEt her have james.

Exactly what I was saying. Get out now man.

January 5, 2014

If you feel like you need to snoop, be ready to walk because it's already over at that point.

You have your answers already.

Wish I would've did this. Stayed Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy past the expiration date in my relationship and drove my mind crazy. Well you live and you learn. OP don't ignore red flags

January 5, 2014

Let her have her married man.

January 5, 2014

My difficulty is she works with dude and she does have to be in contact with him so it's unrealistic for me to ask her to completely cut off communication with the guy (which I would anyway). To take matters further, we met each other at work, so it would seem to be a pattern of behavior and unless she could truly convince me otherwise I'd likely have doubt. I just don't know. I know she'll be mad either way, but hopefully she'll be at least somewhat receptive to what I have to say.

To make things even more complicated, we recently moved in at the beginning of December (coincidently when she went back to her old job). Is there any good that can come out of this situation?

You don't have to ask her anything. She lied to you and most likely doing something to put your relationship in jeopardy. She does not care. Who cares if she is mad? Re-read what you wrote about what she is doing. You should be mad instead of trying to decide whether to confront or 'stay cool.'

Either leave or ask her to leave the apartment. It is hard to hear and even harder to do. I wish you the best of luck.

January 5, 2014

Were you two in a relationship back in Feb to Aug of 2012? You never said how long your relationship was with her.

Reason I'm asking is if you were with her back in 2012, then I would lay the cards on the table and just say "Explain this" and let it all hang out with what you know.

I know what it's like to prolong the agony and it isn't fun. So if you were seeing her back then, let her know that you know and what you think about it and tell her where to go and be done with it.

Not to mention that now she's going to be working with him again is always going to be playing on your mind and honestly if you have to spend any more time day in and day out wondering if she's doing more than working with the guy, it ain't worth it.

January 5, 2014

She's obviously avoided answering the question about whether she was ever involved with him by stating he is married, which is like a way of scapegoating the answer...she also seemed pretty defensive, but you confirmed the affair so that's settled and the lie.

She seems to have fallen back into the loop with this guy, she realizes the guy is unavailable but that doesn't stop a woman that's already emotional invested and he knows exactly how to push her buttons.

At any rate, everything clearly seems to be changing in her behavior and it's reasonable/likely she's going to get back emotionally involved with this man again...whether physical or sexual is the question, but she risks losing the current relationship she is in with you, now she has something to jeopardize which may or may not stop her from crossing that line with him...in which if he was single, might be a whole other can of worms.

This is just not the situation you want to be in, I can almost say with absolute confidence that she will pine after you and try to repair things with you if you ever confronted her with what you found and what you know...she will totally try to amend the situation because that's an almost normal reaction for a lot of women when it comes to losing men, once they feel they're going to lose them then they crank it up and lay on the thick mayo on top of the relationship to try and make it better and to retain that "security" once again...because if there is one thing a lot of women hate is being alone and without any love interest...you love her, he just wants to F her but she enjoys his unavailability.

If I were you I'd essentially get into a huge fight with her, because that's essentially what it's going to take at this point...and try to get as many answers as you can (you can't just bury it and let it go, you know too much now) also get any other evidence you want/need before you do, because she will erase it and almost at this point you might try to avoid knowing more because you want to trust her even though you know you can't anymore.

So get the elephant out of the room and the monkey off your back, get into it with her and confront her with what you know...broke her weak @ss stories down and throw it in her face that she's a damn liar and you're not going to tolerate being lied to and deceived in this relationship, I'm sure she'll have her excuses and avoid having to confess much but keep pushing her until you get the confirmation you need whatever answers you need.

Then at that point, you can decide what to do next. I believe however she is emotionally invested/attached to this man, do a lot of women end up with men even marrying the "other" guy (you) afterwards? of course they do...many do, they essentially bury that guy from the past deep down then move on to the next thing...even if the next thing merely has better "potential" for the long-term.

But in my opinion, if she was that into you...she wouldn't even be talking to this other guy or taking a ride home with...that definitely makes you look a fool, it shows how much she respect really respects the relationship...and she's got a history of weak boundaries, so take that into consideration. Doubt there's going to be much trust in the relationship, and that's just a time-bomb waiting to blow.

January 5, 2014

Sorry but you need to dump her. Don't let her play you for a fool.

January 5, 2014

She didn't lie. She just didn't answer the question directly.

Saying he is married doesn't preclude them having had a romantic/sexual relationship in the past or them having one now.

Leave her. She's getting the flirty guy on the side thing like that guy in the other thread.

Basically a cake eater, wants the stable loving relationship and the thrill of a new forbidden flirtation at the same time. She may never go over the physical cheating line but she won't change and she will perpetually emotionally cheat on you one way or another.

If you can accept her good time text flirt guys with occasional forbidden romance then stay. But otherwise don't kid yourself that this is a one time thing.

January 5, 2014

Wish I would've did this. Stayed Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy past the expiration date in my relationship and drove my mind crazy. Well you live and you learn. OP don't ignore red flags

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