CharlieHarper91 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 then how do you change someone's behavior then when those red flags came up?? You wanted a break, and it looks like she's taken you literally. Next time, don't use "break" to try to change her behaviour.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I guess the lesson is that I should avoid dating girls younger than 25. I don't think that has anything to do with it at all. For whatever reason your ex didn't want to be with you anymore and the fact that she was under 25 is completely irrelevant. I know plenty of women who have gotten married when they were younger than 25 that stay married for the long term. Your problem is that you are still treating this all like a physics equation. You are looking for logical, linear reasons when they don't really exist. Love is based on feelings, and feelings have nothing to do with logic. She fell out of love with you, and honestly, what you did or didn't do might not have much to do with it at all. It's a feeling. You need to stop treating matters of the heart like a geometric proof. If there's one thing you can personally do during this breakup, it's to learn that feelings have nothing to do with logic. If you really think that the solution to your dilemma is to eliminate a segment of the population based strictly on something arbitrary like age, then you are pretty much hamstringing yourself for no reason. It's time to turn off your brain a bit and go with the flow. Less paralysis through analysis. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 then how do you change someone's behavior then when those red flags came up?? You can't change anyone's behavior and if you try, you deserve all the pain that comes to you because trying to do that is absurd. Seriously, you need to be beaten with a crowbar if that's what you think you should be doing. People make and regulate their own behavior. Stop trying to play puppetmaster. 2
pickflicker Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 then how do you change someone's behavior then when those red flags came up?? You can't, unless they want to. You express your dissatisfaction. You propose solutions. You offer support. If things don't change, you leave, for yourself, to find something better. Taking a break and hoping that scares them into begging for another chance is emotional blackmail. It looks like it backfired anyway - she was too much of a coward to dump you, you tried to get her to change, and instead, she's taking the break literally and moving on. Next time, don't use emotional blackmail to get what you want. 3
CharlieHarper91 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Thank you, this is what I should have done.. Maybe everything really is my fault after all. Lesson learned! You can't, unless they want to. You express your dissatisfaction. You propose solutions. You offer support. If things don't change, you leave, for yourself, to find something better. Taking a break and hoping that scares them into begging for another chance is emotional blackmail. It looks like it backfired anyway - she was too much of a coward to dump you, you tried to get her to change, and instead, she's taking the break literally and moving on. Next time, don't use emotional blackmail to get what you want.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Thank you, this is what I should have done.. Maybe everything really is my fault after all. Lesson learned! No, it's not all your fault. Your ex's red flags are her doing. But you never, never break up with someone to try to elicit a response. You break up with someone to end the relationship with them, not to get them to act a certain way. A break up should be the last action in a relationship, not a triggering mechanism.
pickflicker Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Thank you, this is what I should have done.. Maybe everything really is my fault after all.. Yes. You never ask for a break in a relationship unless you're prepared for it to turn into a break up. It's like delivering an ultimatum, don't do it unless you accept that the other person may call your bluff.
Kevin_D Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I don't think that has anything to do with it at all. For whatever reason your ex didn't want to be with you anymore and the fact that she was under 25 is completely irrelevant. I know plenty of women who have gotten married when they were younger than 25 that stay married for the long term. Your problem is that you are still treating this all like a physics equation. You are looking for logical, linear reasons when they don't really exist. Love is based on feelings, and feelings have nothing to do with logic. She fell out of love with you, and honestly, what you did or didn't do might not have much to do with it at all. It's a feeling. You need to stop treating matters of the heart like a geometric proof. If there's one thing you can personally do during this breakup, it's to learn that feelings have nothing to do with logic. If you really think that the solution to your dilemma is to eliminate a segment of the population based strictly on something arbitrary like age, then you are pretty much hamstringing yourself for no reason. It's time to turn off your brain a bit and go with the flow. Less paralysis through analysis. I just think this "falling out of love" thing is a bit shady. The honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. Look at couples that have been together for 50 years. There usually isn't too much kissing and cuddling going on, no, they are usually more like really, really close friends. I really do think that many younger people are refuse to see the beauty in this. They expect a relationship to mostly consist of passionate sex and sharing exciting experiences together. But love to me, is when you're partner has a chronic intestinal disease and ****s her pants every 10 minutes, and yet you stand by her side and tell her how much you love her. 2
pickflicker Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I just think this "falling out of love" thing is a bit shady. The honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. Look at couples that have been together for 50 years. There usually isn't too much kissing and cuddling going on, no, they are usually more like really, really close friends. I really do think that many younger people are refuse to see the beauty in this. They expect a relationship to mostly consist of passionate sex and sharing exciting experiences together. But love to me, is when you're partner has a chronic intestinal disease and ****s her pants every 10 minutes, and yet you stand by her side and tell her how much you love her. No, the honeymoon period doesn't last forever. And people fall out of love. You're taking about two very different things. I think younger people - actually anyone, of any age - can expect their relationship prior to having children, should be about regular, enjoyable sex and exciting experiences. If those things wane before kids, you've got problems. You want your relationship prior to kids to be as stimulating and fulfilling as possible, because that is what sustains you through the child-rearing years.
Kevin_D Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 No, the honeymoon period doesn't last forever. And people fall out of love. You're taking about two very different things. I think younger people - actually anyone, of any age - can expect their relationship prior to having children, should be about regular, enjoyable sex and exciting experiences. If those things wane before kids, you've got problems. You should have children when you are certain that you have a bright future together. If you have children while you're still in the honeymoon phase, it will be really hard to predict the future. I think you should date your partner for at least 5 years before thinking of starting a family.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I just think this "falling out of love" thing is a bit shady. The honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. Look at couples that have been together for 50 years. There usually isn't too much kissing and cuddling going on, no, they are usually more like really, really close friends. I really do think that many younger people are refuse to see the beauty in this. They expect a relationship to mostly consist of passionate sex and sharing exciting experiences together. But love to me, is when you're partner has a chronic intestinal disease and ****s her pants every 10 minutes, and yet you stand by her side and tell her how much you love her. I don't think the honeymoon phase has anything to do with your situation whatsoever. You are looking for a quick scapegoat so you can find a tangible reason because you don't seem capable of thinking in the abstract. The honeymoon phase, is what, six months? And you were dating for six years? The honeymoon phase has nothing to do with it. She just decided for whatever she that she wanted something else and that you weren't the guy she was willing to stand beside while he sh*t his pants. It happens man, and it sucks, but life ain't fair dude. But yeah, all of these reasons you are inventing in your head (her age, the "honeymoon phase") are just you grasping at straws trying to find logic in the illogical.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You should have children when you are certain that you have a bright future together. If you have children while you're still in the honeymoon phase, it will be really hard to predict the future. I think you should date your partner for at least 5 years before thinking of starting a family. Not everyone thinks like you. This also seems to be something you fail to grasp. 1
pickflicker Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 You should have children when you are certain that you have a bright future together. If you have children while you're still in the honeymoon phase, it will be really hard to predict the future. I think you should date your partner for at least 5 years before thinking of starting a family. I didn't say "have kids in the honeymoon phase". I said "make your relationship before kids exciting, sexual, and stimulating."
pickflicker Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I don't think the honeymoon phase has anything to do with your situation whatsoever. You are looking for a quick scapegoat so you can find a tangible reason because you don't seem capable of thinking in the abstract. The honeymoon phase, is what, six months? And you were dating for six years? The honeymoon phase has nothing to do with it. She just decided for whatever she that she wanted something else and that you weren't the guy she was willing to stand beside while he sh*t his pants. It happens man, and it sucks, but life ain't fair dude. But yeah, all of these reasons you are inventing in your head (her age, the "honeymoon phase") are just you grasping at straws trying to find logic in the illogical. 12 months, max. Ask almost any married couple, they'll tell you the first 12 months are a piece of piss. After that, the work begins.
Kevin_D Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Not everyone thinks like you. This also seems to be something you fail to grasp. I think it's rather obvious that I realise that most people have a different view on these things, hence my frustration.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I think it's rather obvious that I realise that most people have a different view on these things, hence my frustration. Yep, because you don't have an ability to put yourself in other people's shoes or see things from a different perspective than your own.
honeybee73 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Some of you are so harsh. The truth is we don't know what anyone else thinks or why they do what they do. They may think that they want the party lifestyle and later decide that's not really what they wanted. On the otherhand they may decide that they enjoy it alot. We don't know. I don't think as things as just black or white, there is alot of grey area too. Too many people are too quick to judge. I believe in second chances IF the person can prove themselves.
Kevin_D Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Yep, because you don't have an ability to put yourself in other people's shoes or see things from a different perspective than your own. I'd say I'm rather good at this - usually. But when it comes to relationships, you're absolutely right. I can't see why someone would invest so much love, time and money in something without even trying to fix the problems. Secretly planning to dump your partner... your best friend... while acting like everything is okay, yep, I'm unable to understand that. By the way, I think the definition of cheating is really weird as well. If you: - Plan to leave someone for six months - Make sure that you have new guys lined up - And yet tell your partner, every day, how happy you are in the relationship I don't know. I think it's pretty much the same thing.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) I'd say I'm rather good at this - usually. But when it comes to relationships, you're absolutely right. I can't see why someone would invest so much love, time and money in something without even trying to fix the problems. Secretly planning to dump your partner... your best friend... while acting like everything is okay, yep, I'm unable to understand that. By the way, I think the definition of cheating is really weird as well. If you: - Plan to leave someone for six months - Make sure that you have new guys lined up - And yet tell your partner, every day, how happy you are in the relationship I don't know. I think it's pretty much the same thing. You are unable to understand it because you don't have the remotest idea of what's going on. You make it seem like it's this nefarious plot they are devising, when it's not that at all usually. In those six months, they spend the majority of that time either trying to expunge the initial thought from their head, then trying to bend their mind to accept their partner, then realizing it's what they need to do, then mustering the courage to do it. It's not some nefarious plot they've cooked up. They aren't planning the assasination of JFK in their head. There's no way you understand it because you really don't seem to understand the concept of nuance. They "act like nothing is wrong" because a) they have no idea how to drop the bomb or b) they hope you can read body language and tone and start to pick up on this stuff on their own. Honestly, most people can't and I would guess that you are in the lower 2 percentile of being able to read such things because you seem so black-and-white. The second part isn't intentional, but it can serve as a trigger. Think of it like replacing a battery in your car. You know the battery is low, but you continue to ride it out because you don't want to make that trip to Pep Boys to buy a new one just yet. But eventually, your car doesn't start and you are prompted to make the move for a new battery. The 'new guys' aren't a plot, they just serve as the trigger to make a move that they know they need to but are uncomfortable with. As for the third part, that's just terrible behavior. The only way it's justified is if their partner is asking them stupid questions like "how much do you love me?" every day and they do that to shut you up. But yeah, it's not cool. Edited January 5, 2014 by Simon Phoenix 1
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