Dumper lifestyle after break up

[JohnnyLoverBoy]

Seems after break up when there is no 3rd party involve dumpers always want to party, drink, clubbing basically having fun and they feel like they are on top of the world to cope with the break up.

 

then people said after 3-5 months they will face reality and the break up will hit them hard. that's why they said it's the best to stay No contact.

 

is this true??

[Simon Phoenix]

It's best to remain No Contact because being in contact is usually painful for you and delays your healing. It has nothing to do with what the dumper is doing -- No Contact is a way to protect your interests and get you back to where you need to be emotionally and prevent you from acting like a clingy, pathetic spaz. It's not to wait the dumper out.

[Fangorn]

Dude, regardless of what happened, No Contact isn't to try and get them back or play games with them or whatever else. They dumped you, I know it isn't so easy, believe me, I loved my girl so much, I though she was special, but she dumped you. All you can do is move on, remain NC and move on for yourself.

 

It simply doesn't matter what they think now, they wanted out of your life, well congratulations to them, you are. It doesn't matter if they miss you or not, no one deserves to be treated like that, just move on as best you can.

[Kevin_D]

It's best to remain No Contact because being in contact is usually painful for you and delays your healing. It has nothing to do with what the dumper is doing -- No Contact is a way to protect your interests and get you back to where you need to be emotionally and prevent you from acting like a clingy, pathetic spaz. It's not to wait the dumper out.

 

I've always wondered about this. Something really strange must be going on in their minds. Thre are few things that are mentioned over and over on LS:

 

1. Dumpers check out emotionally long before the actual breakup. That's why they move on so fast.

 

Using the same logic, I could say: "I'm not sorry for brutally killing my neighbor with a crowbar while his children watched, because I had planned this for an entire year."

 

It just doesn't make any sense. Even if I couldn't stand my girlfriend, I would feel incredibly guilty for hurting her. Even if I didn't miss her at all, I still would have a hard time moving on because I understand how she must feel. People who do this must suffer from a lack of empathy.

 

2. Dumpers are often on "tape-delay", so they won't experience the pain until after a few months

Again, same thing. They might be sorry for THEIR loss, but obviously they don't care about their ex at all.

 

***

 

In my experience, dumpers are often very quick to tell people how happy they are. They often have the "Woooaah I'm single now, let's party and have sex with strangers"-mentality. It's not very often you hear them say "I've been in a relationship for 10 years, so for the next year I will focus on my career and use my spare time to learn how to play the banjo".

 

And if they are immature and want to sleep around, why do they have to brag about it? It's like they have some complex for being too boring so they want to show all their friends that they can be crazy as well.

 

Anyway, I don't see why there they're in such a hurry. Why not take a couple of months to analyze the relationship, try to figure out what went wrong, avoid dating new people while your ex is still hurting... But obviously this is not the way things generally work.

[pickflicker]

Hell, I'm of the opinion the dumpee should adopt the "lifestyle" (if there is such a thing) of the dumper.

 

The real reason you're asking this question though, is because you want her to come crawling back. It's really a bad idea to hold your breath for something like this.

[Bishop556]

I've always wondered about this. Something really strange must be going on in their minds. Thre are few things that are mentioned over and over on LS:

 

1. Dumpers check out emotionally long before the actual breakup. That's why they move on so fast.

 

Using the same logic, I could say: "I'm not sorry for brutally killing my neighbor with a crowbar while his children watched, because I had planned this for an entire year."

 

It just doesn't make any sense. Even if I couldn't stand my girlfriend, I would feel incredibly guilty for hurting her. Even if I didn't miss her at all, I still would have a hard time moving on because I understand how she must feel. People who do this must suffer from a lack of empathy.

 

2. Dumpers are often on "tape-delay", so they won't experience the pain until after a few months

Again, same thing. They might be sorry for THEIR loss, but obviously they don't care about their ex at all.

 

***

 

In my experience, dumpers are often very quick to tell people how happy they are. They often have the "Woooaah I'm single now, let's party and have sex with strangers"-mentality. It's not very often you hear them say "I've been in a relationship for 10 years, so for the next year I will focus on my career and use my spare time to learn how to play the banjo".

 

And if they are immature and want to sleep around, why do they have to brag about it? It's like they have some complex for being too boring so they want to show all their friends that they can be crazy as well.

 

Anyway, I don't see why there they're in such a hurry. Why not take a couple of months to analyze the relationship, try to figure out what went wrong, avoid dating new people while your ex is still hurting... But obviously this is not the way things generally work.

 

This should be read by all. I am going through the exact same situation.

[Simon Phoenix]

 

Anyway, I don't see why there they're in such a hurry. Why not take a couple of months to analyze the relationship, try to figure out what went wrong, avoid dating new people while your ex is still hurting... But obviously this is not the way things generally work.

 

They were in the analyzation phase before they broke up with you, that's why. They have been preparing in their head for the dumping (even if at first it just started as an annoying thought in their mind that they tried to flush) so when they actually do it, they are weeks/months ahead in the healing process. They come to terms with it before they do it, while the dumpee has to do it after it happens. They already have analyzed, they just did it before they pulled the plug.

 

And once they've broken up with you, they have no obligation to walk you through it and make sure you feel OK before they date. In fact, doing that is usually harmful to the dumpee because it gives the dumpee false hope. The dumpee will think "Oh, she/he's not dating anyone, that means I still have a chance if I do x, y, and z." So there's really no upside for the dumper to "hold out" for the dumpee at all.

[CharlieHarper91]

I have a question.. What if I am the one who ask for a break.

 

and then I wanted her back and she said no and she keeps on partying and drinking and it looks like she's being happy being single and not even coping with the break up.

 

 

 

 

They were in the analyzation phase before they broke up with you, that's why. They have been preparing in their head for the dumping (even if at first it just started as an annoying thought in their mind that they tried to flush) so when they actually do it, they are weeks/months ahead in the healing process. They come to terms with it before they do it, while the dumpee has to do it after it happens. They already have analyzed, they just did it before they pulled the plug.

 

And once they've broken up with you, they have no obligation to walk you through it and make sure you feel OK before they date. In fact, doing that is usually harmful to the dumpee because it gives the dumpee false hope. The dumpee will think "Oh, she/he's not dating anyone, that means I still have a chance if I do x, y, and z." So there's really no upside for the dumper to "hold out" for the dumpee at all.

[pickflicker]

They were in the analyzation phase before they broke up with you, that's why. They have been preparing in their head for the dumping (even if at first it just started as an annoying thought in their mind that they tried to flush) so when they actually do it, they are weeks/months ahead in the healing process. They come to terms with it before they do it, while the dumpee has to do it after it happens. They already have analyzed, they just did it before they pulled the plug.

 

And once they've broken up with you, they have no obligation to walk you through it and make sure you feel OK before they date. In fact, doing that is usually harmful to the dumpee because it gives the dumpee false hope. The dumpee will think "Oh, she/he's not dating anyone, that means I still have a chance if I do x, y, and z." So there's really no upside for the dumper to "hold out" for the dumpee at all.

 

Yeah, the expectation for the dumper to wait is weird. The relationship is over. If both dumpee and dumper have enacted NC properly, neither party will know when the other moves on.

 

I'll quote cavalier99 again - if you're doing NC right, you won't even know if they've died.

[pickflicker]

I have a question.. What if I am the one who ask for a break.

 

and then I wanted her back and she said no and she keeps on partying and drinking and it looks like she's being happy being single and not even coping with the break up.

 

A "break" is a break up. You can't hit pause on a relationship and expect them to wait for you.

[Fangorn]

I have a question.. What if I am the one who ask for a break.

 

and then I wanted her back and she said no and she keeps on partying and drinking and it looks like she's being happy being single and not even coping with the break up.

 

Then you bloody well deserve it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I have a question.. What if I am the one who ask for a break.

 

and then I wanted her back and she said no and she keeps on partying and drinking and it looks like she's being happy being single and not even coping with the break up.

 

Looks like you are sh*t out of luck then. I mean, not every dumpee is going to sit there desperately wanting their dumper to change their mind. Some will take the "well, if that's what you want, then fine, I'm gone" approach -- which is the approach that's preached on sites like this one.

 

Just because you want her back doesn't mean she has to come back.

[CharlieHarper91]

I mean I did ask for a break because there is a lot of red flags.. Like she forgetting our anniversary, being distant, doesn't want to have sex..

 

My situation is a bit complicated and now I feel like I am really the dumpee.

 

 

 

Then you bloody well deserve it.

 

 

 

A "break" is a break up. You can't hit pause on a relationship and expect them to wait for you.

 

 

Looks like you are sh*t out of luck then. I mean, not every dumpee is going to sit there desperately wanting their dumper to change their mind. Some will take the "well, if that's what you want, then fine, I'm gone" approach -- which is the approach that's preached on sites like this one.

 

Just because you want her back doesn't mean she has to come back.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean I did ask for a break because there is a lot of red flags.. Like she forgetting our anniversary, being distant, doesn't want to have sex..

 

My situation is a bit complicated and now I feel like I am really the dumpee.

 

Well, it looks like you gave her an out and she took it. Best to keep away then.

[Fangorn]

I mean I did ask for a break because there is a lot of red flags.. Like she forgetting our anniversary, being distant, doesn't want to have sex..

 

My situation is a bit complicated and now I feel like I am really the dumpee.

 

Then break up and leave it at that. If there is all these red flags then why even bother?

 

She is most likely with someone else now, for better or worse, deal with it and move on.

[CharlieHarper91]

so the partying and the drinking is her way of dealing with the break up? or she just happy to be single and she feels like she is on top of the world??

 

Well, it looks like you gave her an out and she took it. Best to keep away then.

[pickflicker]

I mean I did ask for a break because there is a lot of red flags.. Like she forgetting our anniversary, being distant, doesn't want to have sex..

 

My situation is a bit complicated and now I feel like I am really the dumpee.

 

Nothing really complicated about it. If she's taking it as an out, then there's not much you can do. I wouldn't really around either if my bf ask for a break. In or out. No "time out".

[Fangorn]

so the partying and the drinking is her way of dealing with the break up? or she just happy to be single and she feels like she is on top of the world??

 

She's realised that she's a woman in her prime and can get what she wants from wherever she wants. Case closed, move on. She might be back in a few years but I wouldn't hold my breath.

[pickflicker]

so the partying and the drinking is her way of dealing with the break up? or she just happy to be single and she feels like she is on top of the world??

 

You wanted a break, and it looks like she's taken you literally. Next time, don't use "break" to try to change her behaviour.

[Kevin_D]

Yeah, the expectation for the dumper to wait is weird. The relationship is over. If both dumpee and dumper have enacted NC properly, neither party will know when the other moves on.

 

I'll quote cavalier99 again - if you're doing NC right, you won't even know if they've died.

 

I just don't understand it. Do people really have this animalistic sex drive? If I'm horny and don't have a girlfriend that I love, I'd rather jerk off than to spend the night with some stranger that I know it's not going to work out with anyway. I don't see the problem. Why would I want to become a manwhore?

 

I mean, when I was in high-school it was exciting to date new girls and have sex with them, but now I really only care about the chemistry and the bonds. I'm sorry, but I just can't understand why someone would end a LTR because loss of attraction. Yes, sex is important, but it's still only a very, very small part of a relationship.

 

The most important thing is that you are great friends. I don't get people nowadays. So many seem to have the mentality "It's not fun and exciting anymore, time for some new adventures!". I felt like this when I was 16 and was willing to screw a goat if I got the opportunity, but when adults act like this... it's just sad.

[Fangorn]

I just don't understand it. Do people really have this animalistic sex drive? If I'm horny and don't have a girlfriend that I love, I'd rather jerk off than to spend the night with some stranger that I know it's not going to work out with anyway. I don't see the problem. Why would I want to become a manwhore?

 

I mean, when I was in high-school it was exciting to date new girls and have sex with them, but now I really only care about the chemistry and the bonds. I'm sorry, but I just can't understand why someone would end a LTR because loss of attraction. Yes, sex is important, but it's still only a very, very small part of a relationship.

 

The most important thing is that you are great friends. I don't get people nowadays. So many seem to have the mentality "It's not fun and exciting anymore, time for some new adventures!". I felt like this when I was 16 and was willing to screw a goat if I got the opportunity, but when adults act like this... it's just sad.

 

It's sad but times have changed, we're brought up nowadays in a disposable culture where everything can be replaced easily and nothing holds any value. It's ok though, I can't tell you how many attractive women I've turned down in the past 2 months because I didn't feel any kind of spark or passion. It may be a case of I still hold too many feelings for my ex, or purely because there is no real spark, but meh. One day someone incredible will walk into our lives and change everything.

[pickflicker]

I just don't understand it. Do people really have this animalistic sex drive? If I'm horny and don't have a girlfriend that I love, I'd rather jerk off than to spend the night with some stranger that I know it's not going to work out with anyway. I don't see the problem.

 

I mean, when I was in high-school it was exciting to date new girls and have sex with them, but now I really only care about the chemistry and the bonds. I'm sorry, but I just can't understand why someone would end a LTR because loss of attraction. Yes, sex is important, but it's still only a very, very small part of a relationship.

 

The most important thing is that you are great friends. I don't get people nowadays. So many seem to have the mentality "It's not fun and exciting anymore, time for some new adventures!". I felt like this when I was 16 and was willing to screw a goat if I got the opportunity, but when adults act like this... it's just sad.

 

Why must it be one or the other? A relationship doesn't work but a person is still interested in meeting someone to spend the rest of their life with, so why shouldn't they continue to search afterwards? To go on dates, have a laugh and some new experiences, share a meal, see a movie, and yes, when the time is right, have sex?

 

Stop being so rigid. Sitting on your laurels worrying about the other person serves no purpose. Stop demonising dumpers just because your ex left you. It's a risk you accept when dating - can't hack it, don't do it.

 

If I didn't want to have sex with my partner any more, there is no point being with them. When I'm 85 and sex becomes difficult, that's one thing. If my partner was an accident, again, that's different. But if I woke up tomorrow at 31 and didn't want to make love to my partner anymore, because I didn't find him sexy, or vice versa, it's done. Finished. I have plenty of non-sexual emotionally fulfilling relationships, if my partner and I aren't having sex, it's a waste of time being in the relationship.

Edited January 5, 2014 by pickflicker

[Kevin_D]

It's sad but times have changed, we're brought up nowadays in a disposable culture where everything can be replaced easily and nothing holds any value. It's ok though, I can't tell you how many attractive women I've turned down in the past 2 months because I didn't feel any kind of spark or passion. It may be a case of I still hold too many feelings for my ex, or purely because there is no real spark, but meh. One day someone incredible will walk into our lives and change everything.

 

I hope you're right. I really thought this was the case with my ex though. She never seemed to care about the attention she got from other guys. She wouldn't go out dancing with her friends even though I told her that I was perfectly okay with that. She hated when guys hit on her. For 6 years.

 

And then one day, it was like she flipped the switch and became a new person. It's really hard to accept these things, because I can't really learn from my mistakes, can I? My family, her family, my friends and her friends thought we were a perfect match.

 

I guess the lesson is that I should avoid dating girls younger than 25.

[chris21422]

this happened to me before

[chris21422]

This happened to me before. She is enjoying the freedom that she have now. Just stay No Contact.. Doesn't matter if she parties or drinks.

 

so the partying and the drinking is her way of dealing with the break up? or she just happy to be single and she feels like she is on top of the world??