Ginger_Belle Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Hello all, newbie here, well a mess of a newbie actually. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by writing this. I guess I'm just hoping that having an outlet to get everything off my chest will bring me some sort of comfort as the heartache I'm currently experiencing is pretty unbearable. Though any advice as to how I keep from dying and get through this will be greatly appreciated. I'll try to keep it as succinct as possible though knowing my tendency to waffle on it will probably end up being pretty lengthy so apologies in advance. MM (49) and I (27) ended things this weekend. I met him via my ex-workplace. I was a barmaid and he was a regular, so we had become close with one another before we even started the R. We have been together for almost a year now. We spoke to each other via phone/text daily and saw each other on a weekly basis, in which we would go out on dates like a regular couple. Occasionally we would get the opportunity to spend the night together at my place. And the longest we ever went without seeing each other was two weeks. His situation at home was as follows:- He lived at home with his partner (they were not married but had been together for 16 years) and his 3 children (14,11,7). He told me that there was zero love left in the R (hadn't been for years) and that they were merely living in the same household for the sake of the children. He said that there was no physicality/affection between them, that she had made it abundantly clear a long time ago that she no longer desired him nor wanted to be intimate with him, and after years of rejection he had given up trying with her. The only time they spent together was when they were doing things with the children. And that she only stayed to "keep up appearances" and for financial reasons (he provided the only source of income). Throughout the R he never really gave me any reason to doubt what he was telling me was the truth and his story was further reinforced by his friends and other bar staff who had known him 20+ years. The main thing that troubled me was that although our R wasn't a complete secret (his friends/mother knew) he was always cautious about his partner finding out about me. Though he explained that was because she would give him grief about 1) what it would look like to others (namely her circle of friends) and 2) wasting their money on an OW (which was never the case anyway) but that ultimately she couldn't careless what he did as long as he provided for her and the kids. Call me a fool but I bought it and went along with it and despite the complicated situation, for the most part our R was wonderful. He was always there for me (in every sense possible) and I never ever felt neglected (although this may have been because I completely understood that the children's needs came first, so I was very understanding of his time constraints etc.) Moreover, although the sex was great, it was secondary to everything else (not once did he make me feel like that was all he wanted from me). First and foremost we were friends. We shared the same interests, we looked out for each other and he made me laugh until I peed me knicks. In short we both believed we had finally found our soulmate. So what went wrong? Well the holidays were harder than either of us ever imagined it would be. Although I accepted that we would probably not see each other until the new year I didn't anticipate how hard it would be to spend Christmas without the person I loved most and for the first time ever in the R I was saddened and hurt by the situation we had found ourselves in. He found it difficult too. And after the holidays he explained that over Christmas he had struggled with his guilt. Not for his partner, but for his children and me. He said that when he was watching his kids opening their presents he felt guilt that he was thinking of me and that on the flip side he felt guilty for me bc we couldn't spend the day together and that hurt him bc he realized we probably never could. **Side note: This didn't come as a shock to me as he had never made false promises or lied about the fact that he would never be able to leave. He explained that this was bc his own father had left him and he couldn't put his own kids through the same thing. He had hoped though that eventually the situation would change and that his partner would meet someone else or take matters into her own hands and leave him. And I know I should have stopped the R right away upon hearing that, but by that time I was already too attached and rightly or wrongly I just couldn't bring myself to end it then.** Anyway back to the post holiday discussion. After hearing what he had to say I knew I had to end it. He would never be able to leave and I could never be the person to ask him to (I couldn't give him that ultimatum, not when children were involved). So I told him that I couldn't be in the R anymore bc I now needed more than he could offer. And that although it was going to hurt like hell it would be best in the long run - for everyone involved. Bc the longer we continued the harder it would be to get out and ultimately we were just putting off the inevitable. We both were crying - and he wanted me to think on it for a few days, but I said I couldn't do that bc if I didn't end it then and there I would probably never be able to. He accepted that and said that if he didn't care for me as deeply as he did, he would try and talk me out of it. But bc he loves me as much as he does he would hate himself if he ever got in the way of my happiness. We decided that it was best if we go NC for now and said our goodbyes. To say that I am completely devastated is an understatement. Please believe I know that it was wrong to get involved with an unavailable man and you can say I brought this heartache on myself. I know we were selfish and weak and for what its worth I am not proud of my actions. In fact I'm truly thankful that we didn't end up hurting any one else but ourselves. But with that said sometimes you just can't help who you fall for - and right or wrong I fell deeply in love with this man. In the time we were together he taught me so much about life and love and I truly know I am a better person for knowing him. He is everything I have ever wanted in a person and I will always have the greatest respect and love for him. He was my best friend, my favorite person in the whole world, and I don't know what I am going to do without him. All I know is that I've never felt pain like this before. My heart physically hurts and I feel like I cant breathe Ps: Thank you if you made it this far. 2
slider95 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I'm soo right there with you tonight Ginger Belle! I think your in the right place on this site , I feel like I am . There are plenty of people on here that are helpful . And then there are some that are obviously bitter and angry towards folks like you and I . So just pay attention to the helpful comments and not the ones that take shots at you. Stay strong its probably far from over anyway. 2
Author Ginger_Belle Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Slider95, thank you very much for your reply - it helps to know that I am not alone in this, so already I think I am in the right place... I'm not sure whether I should write this on here or on your own thread - but I just wanted to say I read your story and I am sorry for what you are going through right now. When you love someone it is the hardest thing to let them go, especially when every fiber of your being just wants to hold them close. But most often the hardest thing to do is also the right thing to do - so you stay strong too x 2
Cocochai Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) Aww yes this site is great for support! I know your hurting and probably analyzing everything but the pattern of forced stopped relationships is that they always seem to reach back out after things go back to normal on their end. If this is something your truly willing to let go then I pray you heal quick. But, I have a feeling that you will let him back in when he reaches out. You'll know you've truly had enough and you've reached ur breaking point everything. Edited January 5, 2014 by Cocochai 1
Author Ginger_Belle Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Cocochai, thank you for your reply - I really appreciate your input. I completely agree with you, this is going to be extremely difficult bc neither one of us really wanted it to end. We have left it so that the ball is in my court re. breaking contact. Hopefully he thinks enough of me to respect my wishes - that right now I need strict NC. If he does that, I may just make it. As for analyzing things that is an understatement!! I think right now my brain is my own worst enemy 1
Nothisgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I can really relate to how you're feeling...it's so tough, like cocochai said the forced stop of these relationships are so painful..especially when you still have so much love for the other person... I am both proud and anxious of your strength...my mm and I have had similar conversations where he's told me that my feelings are of upmost importance to him and that if I need to stop he will respect my wishes...I just haven't gotten brave enough to initiate and stick to Nc...that said he was still actively texting and calling. I think you will find a lot of support here....and know that you're worth a full relationship...where someone can give you 100%. I read something id like to share with you..it really resonated with me: "forget how you feel and remember what you deserve" Wish you continued strength ((hug)) 1
Cocochai Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I can really relate to how you're feeling...it's so tough, like cocochai said the forced stop of these relationships are so painful..especially when you still have so much love for the other person... I am both proud and anxious of your strength...my mm and I have had similar conversations where he's told me that my feelings are of upmost importance to him and that if I need to stop he will respect my wishes...I just haven't gotten brave enough to initiate and stick to Nc...that said he was still actively texting and calling. I think you will find a lot of support here....and know that you're worth a full relationship...where someone can give you 100%. I read something id like to share with you..it really resonated with me: "forget how you feel and remember what you deserve" Wish you continued strength ((hug)) I agree but please heal before you decide to move on with someone new who will treat you with respect and full time love. Take time to yourself first. 2
happy stillmore Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) Ginger belle, I can most definitely relate to your post. It seems so unfair. MM and his W do not love each other. His W doesn't care about MM seeing you as long as it doesn't cut into the money he brings home. What is keeping him there, other than the children? Can he afford to live on his own while supporting his W? The fact that they aren't married, makes it a little easier to leave. He is saying he will leave his W if she wants to separate but the fact is, she is living a good life right now. Not having to work and being home with the children. She is dependent on him, why would she kick him to the curb? He is choosing the passive road knowing that his W won't end it. He is too afraid to make the big changes. The fact is your MM is the one who can make things happen if he truly wanted to. If he loves you, he would move mountains for you. I know he doesn't want to be the bad guy but why is he choosing to live a life without the woman he claims to love. It seems that there is still a relationship between him and his W (CM) and he felt guilt over the holiday. I don't know. I just don't understand when people love each other and then choose to not be together. My xMM said he loved me and wanted our dreams to come true, but he just "couldn't do it." When I think about it, it is more like he "wouldn't do it." There is a big difference. Edited January 5, 2014 by happy stillmore 3
Author Ginger_Belle Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Nothisgirl, thank you so much for your reply. I just read your latest thread and I put my response to your situation on there. But I will say again that I am sorry for what you are going through. NC seems crippling to me right now and I know that if MM were to contact me I would probably buckle at the first hurdle. But I have to believe that he will respect my wishes bc I dont want to be waiting on a text or call that might never come. And I take comfort in that fact that if he doesn't break NC it is bc he truly CARES about me and my wishes and not bc he doesn't. If that makes any sense? Maybe I'm just talking nonsense now. And I will absolutely keep in mind that I deserve better, as that gives me hope that the all the hurt I'm enduring right now is just a temporary pain towards a brighter future. So thank you for that quote. Cocochai, I absolutely agree with you, and I am in no rush to find someone else. Heck the way I feel right now, all I want is to not hurt anymore. The response from this forum is already helping though and I thank you all for your support and input. 1
Author Ginger_Belle Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) happy stillmore, as with everyone else your response is so appreciated, so thank you for your reply. It is incredibly frustrating to think that even though his W doesn't care for him nor does she appreciate him (and thats me taking him on his word) she is the one who gets him. Though I try not to dwell on the W too much as I don't know her, and I wouldn't want to assume I know what she is like and how she feels etc. But yes from an outsiders perspective it certainly makes sense why she would not be in any rush to leave. Especially as he has described her as the materialistic type who like to "keep up with the Jones'". But once again - I don't know her so I guess I don't have any right to comment on her life choices. With regards to MM - It seems that the only reason he wont leave is bc of the children (and the dog - he loves his fluffy chicken....). But he has also mentioned previously they struggle a little financially. This is bc he has never been good at saving whatever money he accumulated, so they pretty much have to live on what he earns on a weekly basis. So maybe he can't afford to move out into his own place even if he wanted to. I also think he worries that his W will somehow be able to stop him from seeing his kids if he leaves but IDK. You are right though, when I really think about it, whatever his reasons, he is CHOOSING to stay and CHOOSING to remain unhappy. Although he never gave me any false hope, I guess if I'm really honest I hoped that in time his love for me would push him to break free especially bc they are not married. I understand that his dad leaving him was a difficult period in his life, but he is not his dad, he is a great father and I have no doubt that if he left he would continue to have a great relationship with them, if not a better one. I just wish he could see that, that it is possible. But thats a whole other debate I guess. As it stands - I have to either believe he doesn't have the courage/conviction to leave or he just didn't love me enough (ouch). Either way, I know it is his choice to stay which is why I made my choice to throw in the towel and walk away. It still hurts like hell though as I do know that deep down that if someone really loved you they would find a way to be with you. Ps: I'm sorry your XMM didn't leave, I'm not sure where you're at healing wise, but I sincerely hope you've found some semblance of peace and happiness. Edited January 5, 2014 by Ginger_Belle 1
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Sorry that you're hurting. You did the right thing by ending it, he knows that too. It took a lot of strength and courage to do that...and putting yourself first as well as really understanding the full aspect of your situation, not just the affair itself but the reality of it, and all the pain it would cause innocent people. Kudos to you. Grieving, like any other loss isn't easy, so if need be, seek counseling to help. Be around family and friends, those who love and care about you, those who also can make you laugh. Grieving of course has to happen but take those precious moments when you do feel a bit better and build upon that. Take care of you, be good to yourself too. 1
Author Ginger_Belle Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 whichwayisup, Many thanks for your reply. It is extremely difficult - but you're right, when you look at the big picture, and really think about the destruction it could cause if it continued, then there is no doubt it was the right thing to do. I think I went along with it for so long bc I believed he (and I guess 'we') deserved to be happy - but not if its at the expense of others and my own personal well-being/sanity (I sure sound selfish huh). I never considered counseling, but maybe I should as even though I know its the right thing to do I am devastated by this loss. When things get tough, I tend to withdraw into myself and become very reclusive - though I guess this only hinders and prolongs my progress. I'll take your words of wisdom on board and put myself out there as I know that keeping my mind occupied is the best way forward. Thank you again for your support.
Recommended Posts