Maddi Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I'm totally confused. I've been dating a guy for a couple months. Things are going great. We spend tons of time together, when we aren't together we are in constant communication. I've really started to develop feelings for him but I'm leery of being hurt. I don't know if I'm being insecure or paranoid, but it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. I can't shake the feeling that he might not be sincere in what he's telling me. He has never been married, and hasn't been in a serious relationship in several years. Mind you, we haven't put a title on us yet. So, at this point I just consider it dating. He has told me that he isn't dating me just to date, that he's looking at long term and talks of marriage. He says I have all the qualities that he's been looking for. I've met his family & friends, we spent the holidays together. He's never been one to go M.I.A. for periods of time where he doesn't contact me. I truly believe that he's not seeing anyone else. Ok, so here's the "Red flag": he's yet to close his match account. I know he talks to women and says they're friends. I don't have a problem with that if that's truly what it is. However, he doesn't take calls from them when I'm around. Idk if this is out of respect or deceit. For me, when I truly like a guy I don't entertain the thought of anyone else. Maybe it's different for a man. I'm in the process of going thru a divorce, and he's expressed that he fears we may reconcile even tho I've assured him that's not the case. He's always asking me if I'll treat him good & be good to him. I've told him how I feel, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I didn't plan on getting involved with someone, but it just happened and the feelings are there. I don't know if these mixed messages from him are because of HIS fear of commuting and then being "left out in the cold" as he put it, or because of him being a ladies man.
MidwestUSA Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I was feeling for you, right up until you said you're not yet divorced. He told you he fears you may reconcile, so he's keeping his options open. You're still a wild card at this point. Can't blame him at all. 1
Author Maddi Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 I was feeling for you, right up until you said you're not yet divorced. He told you he fears you may reconcile, so he's keeping his options open. You're still a wild card at this point. Can't blame him at all. I understand. I think about that too and think I'd probably feel the same way. I guess it's hard because I know how I feel and just like him I don't want to get hurt.
MidwestUSA Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I understand. I think about that too and think I'd probably feel the same way. I guess it's hard because I know how I feel and just like him I don't want to get hurt. Well I'm glad you can see where he's probably coming from. If you're sure he's sincere, and you feel he's really not seeing anyone else, you're just going to have to accept it. Patience! (Get thru that divorce; you don't know what wave of emotions will hit you when you're done with that) Good luck.
Author Maddi Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Well I'm glad you can see where he's probably coming from. If you're sure he's sincere, and you feel he's really not seeing anyone else, you're just going to have to accept it. Is it odd though that he keeps this account? I mean he logs into it frequently, often times after we've went on a date. It's really confusing the hell outta me. Or is it more likely a fear of commitment that he's keeping his options open? I appreciate your help. I'm totally confused. Maybe it's just the fear of the unknown. Dating is new to me
MidwestUSA Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 The best thing you can do is STOP LOOKING to see if he's on the dating site. Are you logging into the dating site to see this? Can you see the hypocrisy here? (I know, it's hard not to look. Is this guy's name Jeff by any chance? . Been there) Anyway, after eight years of online dating (after a 17 year marriage), I was blown away by how things have changed. OLD is like a game, and not a good one. I believe the guys actually have some sort of dependency on these sites. It's strange. I swear Jeff had a case of BBD (bigger, better deal) as if you could determine such by looking at profiles; he'd be back on that damn site before I was finished driving home from his place! I think he got an ego stroke from simply IMAGINING that all these women were out there, just for HIM. Whatever. It's probably less a fear of commitment than a fear of exactly what he told you - you're not divorced yet. It could be he paid for a certain number of months on the site and feels like he needs to get his money's worth. Who knows? Try to let it slide, you don't stand a chance if you bring the topic up. Get thru your divorce. You may find you need some time to yourself. Keep the option of your own freedom open. 2
Author Maddi Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 The best thing you can do is STOP LOOKING to see if he's on the dating site. Are you logging into the dating site to see this? Can you see the hypocrisy here? (I know, it's hard not to look. Is this guy's name Jeff by any chance? . Been there) Anyway, after eight years of online dating (after a 17 year marriage), I was blown away by how things have changed. OLD is like a game, and not a good one. I believe the guys actually have some sort of dependency on these sites. It's strange. I swear Jeff had a case of BBD (bigger, better deal) as if you could determine such by looking at profiles; he'd be back on that damn site before I was finished driving home from his place! I think he got an ego stroke from simply IMAGINING that all these women were out there, just for HIM. Whatever. It's probably less a fear of commitment than a fear of exactly what he told you - you're not divorced yet. It could be he paid for a certain number of months on the site and feels like he needs to get his money's worth. Who knows? Try to let it slide, you don't stand a chance if you bring the topic up. Get thru your divorce. You may find you need some time to yourself. Keep the option of your own freedom open. Lmao! That's exactly what I do. That's kinda funny that you called it out. I hear you. I should stop. Our relationship is great otherwise and its just causing me to be insecure. I don't want to keep bringing it up because that's only going to piss him off since he did tell me he prepaid for it, he doesn't know these women, he knows me but equates it to being with me like "winning the lottery, but he hasn't gotten his check yet." He may doing it for an ego stroke, or simply because it's been a habit for so many years. I guess at this point, I really don't have a right to say anything until my divorce is final and we are officially in a relationship. I hate the fear of the unknown. I was married for 11 years and didn't even plan on dating anyone anytime soon. It just happened and we hit it off big time. I asked him if he thinks he'd have a problem with commitment since he's been single so long and he said not at all. Maybe he's just waiting on me. Hard to say what a man is thinking.
MidwestUSA Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Lmao! That's exactly what I do. That's kinda funny that you called it out. I hear you. I should stop. Our relationship is great otherwise and its just causing me to be insecure. I don't want to keep bringing it up because that's only going to piss him off since he did tell me he prepaid for it, he doesn't know these women, he knows me but equates it to being with me like "winning the lottery, but he hasn't gotten his check yet." He may doing it for an ego stroke, or simply because it's been a habit for so many years. I guess at this point, I really don't have a right to say anything until my divorce is final and we are officially in a relationship. I hate the fear of the unknown. I was married for 11 years and didn't even plan on dating anyone anytime soon. It just happened and we hit it off big time. I asked him if he thinks he'd have a problem with commitment since he's been single so long and he said not at all. Maybe he's just waiting on me. Hard to say what a man is thinking. Yea, you're busted. Keep in mind, he could be logging in to see if YOU'RE logging in! I like his lottery comparison. Slow, slow, slow. I did what you did and jumped right into OLD (just after) my divorce. It was the opposite of what I needed, but I was a stubborn butt. I eventually learned, backed off, and took my time. Nine years later, I'm happily married (and OLD had nothing to do with it). Think of it this way. You've been off the market for 11+ years. You had no plans to meet anyone just yet. What are the odds that he is THE ONE? Patience, little grasshopper!(I'll say it again for emphasis. ) 1
mammasita Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I used to tell one of my co-workers who is also a good friend outside of work to stay away from "separated" women because they aren't technically single. I know there's more involved than just that blanket statement, but in the case of my coworker he needed to stick to it LOL. I agree with Midwest, he's probably hesitating with you because of that and keeping his options open. How long until your divorce is final?
Author Maddi Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Yea, you're busted. Keep in mind, he could be logging in to see if YOU'RE logging in! I like his lottery comparison. Slow, slow, slow. I did what you did and jumped right into OLD (just after) my divorce. It was the opposite of what I needed, but I was a stubborn butt. I eventually learned, backed off, and took my time. Nine years later, I'm happily married (and OLD had nothing to do with it). Think of it this way. You've been off the market for 11+ years. You had no plans to meet anyone just yet. What are the odds that he is THE ONE? Patience, little grasshopper!(I'll say it again for emphasis. ) True. He doesn't know I have an account, we didn't meet online. I've actually known him casually for about 2 years. When he found out I was separated, he asked me out like 4 times before I finally said yes. He could be logging in to see if I'm going to keep bringing it up. I'm not bringing it up anymore. Only he can decide when it's time to cut it. I'm not here to force him and I'm confident enough to know I'm a good woman and don't need to push someone to be with me. I'm ok alone.
Author Maddi Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I used to tell one of my co-workers who is also a good friend outside of work to stay away from "separated" women because they aren't technically single. I know there's more involved than just that blanket statement, but in the case of my coworker he needed to stick to it LOL. I agree with Midwest, he's probably hesitating with you because of that and keeping his options open. How long until your divorce is final? Divorce is final in 3 months. He did share with me that he had dated a separated woman once. She ended up going back to her H and even invited him to their wedding where they "renewed their vows". So, I guess from his experience of being burned I can understand why he'd be cautious. I'm just hoping he's not playing me like a fool.
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