hallelujah Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Hi, my name is Ember. Please read my story with empathy. I'm a healthy college-aged female currently living in a small town nestled on the beautiful western slopes of the Rocky Mountains, and I broke up with my boyfriend. His name was Airen and he watched pornography almost every day. It made me feel self-conscious about my own body, violated, and used whenever we had physical contact or he made comments about my body. I also liked it and the power it gave me when I used my body. Airen's dad was a pastor and his dad watched pornography too. He had a very religious, controlling, and smothering mother who forced him to go to a religious school. He struggled with isolation and escapism in his adult life. When I told him that pornography was a big deal (hurting his future wife, using the porn girls), it bothered me, and I wanted him to get into active recovery, he tried to stop by counting every day that he went without it and by telling a close guy friend about it. I got the feeling that his guy friend wasn't the most supportive. In any case the recovery didn't go through. No particular person is to blame; that's just what it was. I watched porn too, struggling with guilt, hiding it, and isolation. I held it over his head that I didn't watch it as often as him and would try to both encourage and manipulate him into active recovery from it. I did this in ways that were supportive, true, and protective, like setting boundaries around physical contact and our time spent together in order to protect us, telling him clearly what I wanted him to do, and dressing more modestly around him. I also did it in ways that were hurtful and harmful, like withdrawing from him harshly, making angry rules that changed often, and cutting off his advances coldly to punish him. Looking back, I think I struggle also with isolation and was even more addicted to the internet and pornography than he was. I started talking with a close friend about it, watching Joseph Prince videos on YouTube (there're some about forgiveness from addiction that healed me), and praying about it. It was embarrassing to share and also a huge relief, healing, to bring it to light. Thankfully through this, God healed me and showed me a way out from temptation. These days, I don't like pornography or even feel desire for it, because when I look at it, I see a human being like me, and it makes me sad to see that someone is demeaning and hurting themselves this way. When I am proud and morally superior over those who are still bound by it, I find that my pride makes me stumble and I start watching pornography again. So I choose to remember my struggle and remain humble around those who struggle too. After we broke up I started noticing that I had symptoms of anxiety/depression, anorexia, and exercise bulimia. I would exercise up to three times a day - 2 hours. I'd eat up to 8 tiny meals per day and had suspicions of people close to me trying to ruin my diet. My body became everything to me. All of this, both exercise and eating, I preferred to do in isolation. I also had symptoms of love addiction (addicted to the rush feeling of romance in relationships, whether fantasy or real) and addiction to online dating and networking. This ruined my studies, concentration, and connections to real-life people. I became increasingly materialistic and shallow about both my appearance and the outward presentation of men, especially in online profiles. Please pray for God to save me from all these addictions, connect me, help me to set healthy boundaries, purify my heart and mind, and use my life/studies to glorify Jesus. I don't want to remember only bad about Airen. I want to remember that he was funny and had a wry sense of humor. He had a loud funny laugh that I liked and bothered me at the same time. He was tall and Asian. He wasn't concerned about monetary things, which I both liked and disliked. I liked it because we could easily have fun together and I disliked it because I wondered if he was really serious about any future. He was emotionally available with me, listening to me, being there for me, and caring for me. We told stories together and he knew everything about me, my struggles, desires, and thoughts both dirty and clean. I knew everything about him too, his background, family, struggles, interests, and joys. We could talk about anything together frankly without worrying about how it sounded to the judgmental listener. He did anything to please me, anything. We could hang out together. I want to forgive him, letting the relationship go. It had both good and bad, like any other relationship. Hopefully it was a time in my life I can laugh about. I want and believe that because Jesus loves us, good will come to both Airen and me. God has plans for him, and plans for me. We are apart and we'll be alright. Now I'm seeing a guy and noticed that I started doing the same things I used to do with Airen with him. Like the Bible says, the proud fall, while the humble are raised up; if your brother confesses a sin, restore him gently. Do not point at the speck in your brother's eye when you have a plank in your eye. First take the plank out of your own eye so that you might see clearly. I need to humble myself and take up the cross of my own life. Please pray that Christ does this in me and that my relationship with this guy glorifies Jesus. Let Jesus produce the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control in me. Let me trust he wants the best for me. Let his will be done. Please respond to my story with listening, love, truth, empathy, understanding, and praying for me. Please forgive us and let God help me live a clean life.
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