molaly Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) First of all, hello everyone. I'm writing this just for a bit of advice after having read this forum and a few other sites. I'll explain my situation. My ex broke up with me a month ago and to begin with it was pretty amicable, no shouting matches or fights. When she broke up with me, one of the first things she said off the bat was "I want to be your best friend, I want you in my life". So, stupidly, I held on to this and have been in a lot of contact with her over the past month, with only two or so discussions about the relationship as I'm trying to respect her wishes to be friends. I think she's up to her eyeballs in GIGS as she couldn't give me a straight answer other than how she wanted to be "free" and although I have never ever been a controlling partner, she just wants to experience the "single" life. She has said that she just doesn't want a relationship. This comes as a blow to me as it seemed to have come out of the blue and we had a very close relationship, like being both partners and best friends. It didn't seem fair as we as a couple have gone through a lot of stuff (like us all) which were probably more justified reasons for ending it, so I didn't expect us to end like this. I'm now realising that it's incredibly difficult for me to be her friend at this time. She acts normal and happy, which hurts as I don't think it's doing our 4 year relationship justice if she doesn't seem upset about what we lost. If anyone appears upset, it's me. Secondly, she seems different. She is extremely protective over her phone and even when spending time with me she will be texting someone else.. I plucked up the courage to ask who it was and she just said "someone", I asked her why she wouldn't just tell me their name and she said "you don't know them, you don't need to know their name" which she is *never* like, as in the past even if I don't know one of her friends she will tell me their name and how she knows them. So, I'm not being naive, I know there's probably another person on the cards here. Even though, she said there isn't and that this person is straight (us both being gay). Therefore spending time with her is starting to hurt a hell of a lot much more if she's going to continue this, even if it is just a friend she's talking to as she does it in a secretive manner and I have no obligation to demand to see the messages as we're obviously no longer together. So I know NC is what I need to do, to see if she thinks about what she's lost with me but also to help me move on and better myself, as I don't want to bet on her getting back with me if she's found someone else. I saw her today and she said we'd see each other soon but she'll probably contact me before then for chat and whatnot or I would have contacted her. So in regards to NC, would anyone suggest whether it's better to just cut contact and not speak to her at all immediately, or, should I send her a message explaining that I need some time apart from her and then go ahead with the NC? Any replies would be much appreciated, thanks guys. Edited January 4, 2014 by molaly
flightplan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I was best friends with my ex for over 10 years and she pulled the religion card and wanted to remain friends. I told her in no uncertain terms I couldn't do that and went NC. My best advice is just tell her you can't do it, respect your wishes and go silent. Don't debate it with her, don't discuss it with her, just tell how how it's going to be and then disappear. You've done way too much already in my opinion, now it's time to heal and let go. 1
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 My ex tried remaining friends with me. I told her no I can't do that and left it at that. She called me childish, but I'm not being a safety blanket. Just say you can't be friends it's too difficult for you and disappear .
Author molaly Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Thank you for your replies, I'll send her a message. I'm 21 and she's 23, this is my first relationship and this is her second, so I know I'm the one who is hurting more for more reasons than one. I'll try not be too informative in the message as I have a bad habit of splurging out absolutely everything I feel and it probably overwhelms her. In all honesty, I would be open to the idea of getting back together but only if she was to come to me since it was her who done the dumping, I wouldn't go begging. A part of me knows that it's probably for the best. I'll say what I have to say and then go NC. Wish me luck!
Author molaly Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Sent her a message saying that I think that we should not see one another for a good few months because I can't be around her. I said that I would be happy to meet up with her in a few months to see where we're both at. Got a reply saying she thinks it's a good idea and we'll meet up in the summer or something. So here's hoping I keep my cool and don't talk to her. Now time to dedicate my time to studying and working out:lmao:
rec88 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Good move. You two are not friends, so don't pretend. The only thing I have to suggest is next time don't put a time on it. NC is indefinite and lasts as long as it takes for her to work out what she wants, and on the condition that you are healed when she calls. Sorry to hear all of this. f*** gigs.
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