mantlefan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 My GF (ex) broke up with me 5 months ago. -We have tons of mutual friends (I would say about 7 of my 10 close friends are also her close friends, and 1/3 of my facebook friends are also her friends) -Many of our mutual friends would invite us both to the same gathering. -We volunteer for the same nonprofit and may both want to work there this summer. -She is in between being friends and dating with a friend I was growing close to before and after the breakup (and I was confiding in him about the breakup even as she was after him and he told her he just wanted to be friends for at least a while, and didn't tell me she was after him even as I was asking him for advice). I found out they are in "limbo" just last week after seeing them together. -This friend goes to the church I go to and teaches a class I have been attending. -Another mutual friend of ours hangs out with my ex a lot and talks to her a lot, and probably tells more than she should to both me and my ex about what the other is thinking, and admittedly I pressure my friend to do so sometimes (especially if my ex and other friend are getting serious). -There is a career opening (teacher) at the school at which my ex works, and I have been applying at EVERY opening I see coming down the wire but have as yet held off from this one. No contact sounds great and all, but if I cut myself off from mutual friends, cut myself off from the nonprofit we both care about, cut myself off from my friend she might be dating, cut myself off from the gatherings she might be at, cut myself off from the church her love interest/my "friend" goes to, cut myself off from the dear mutual friend who is not good at keeping secrets and I am not good at avoiding pressuring for secrets, and cut myself off from a career opening that may get my foot in the door in a tough market isn't that just living my life to avoid her and to just fork over a ton of the things I care about to her in an attempt to heal? I feel like cutting myself off from these things might be therapeutic for the breakup, but for the other parts of my life, it will cause more problems and more feelings of loss.
ponchsox Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 The key word is you WERE a huge part of each other's lives, not any longer. NC is for you to move and and live your future life, not get stuck in the past. 2
Author mantlefan Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 OK. Maybe I am just being stubborn here, but a big part of NC seems to be getting your self respect back, not being strung along, gaslighted, etc. I feel like if I give up everything that I care about that we shared or still may share, then how is that really respecting myself that I give up everything?
barky2 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 We all have been in a relationship where we ment something significant to one another. I was with someone for 10years. But if you continue to live in the past you won't move forward with your future Weither it be with someone else or to get them back. You need to evolve and change, and the only way to do that is thru nc. You need to get over your old relationship to have a new one. Those are just a few reasons you go nc. Barky 3
rosedl Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You don't have to give up all your friends and activities. You can still see your friends outside of her. Contact and tell them the situation and plan events that are separate. If they are friends, they will understand. They can contact you if things are going on and they know she won't be around. If you see her out, it doesn't mean you have to engage with her. Unfortunately, if it is too painful, you may TEMPORARILY have to forego some of your usual activities until you can be around her without being triggered. You could look at it as an opportunity to widen your circles and take up some new activity outside your old life. I'm sorry. Break ups suck. There is a lot of loss associated with them. It takes time to find the way!
realfriends Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Im really sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I know when I broke up, I had to delete all of her family and friends all of which I was relatively close to, off my FB and stop talking to them completely because anytime I heard news or saw her name or anything, my stomach instantly got queezy and it just wasnt worth it.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 First of all, your friend who is dating your ex has to go. That's definitely a violation of the bro code right there. Why you would want to remain friends with him is beyond me. Second of all, I can sympathize with what you are going through. The woman that brought me here is the sister-in-law of my best friend. Obviously I wasn't going to abandon my best friend (we've known each other far long than he's known his ex, or his wife for that matter) and I wasn't going to tell him to go cold on my ex (because that's not something I would do and if he did do that, he'd get a lot of sh*t from his wife and I didn't want to cause that). The solution was simple -- I used my friend as my confidant and my ex used her sister (his wife) as hers. Except for a pre-arranged weekend six weeks after the break (when I was still under a delusion that I could sweet talk my ex into taking me back), the four of us have not been together in the same place. I visit them when I know my ex won't be there, and vice versa. When I talk to my ex's sister I haven't discussed my ex or anything related to the break, and my ex hasn't exactly opened up to her brother-in-law about me or her perspective on things. By respecting the other person's confidant, the initial awkwardness was gone and now (at least from my perspective, no clue on my ex's) it's back to the way it was before my ex and I started dating. I'm pretty sure the four of us could be in the same place now (well, I could be in the same place as my ex, not sure if she feels the same) if circumstances came up where that happened, but no one has a desire to make that happen anytime soon. Either way, my advice is to confide (if you have to) in the mutual friends that are closer to you and don't say boo to the ones that are closer to her. Explain calmly that you'll have to be separate from your ex in group activities for the time being because "it's weird right now". Every one of them has been there and they will understand. You don't have to pick entirely new friends, but you have to be careful on who you confide in and you have to make them aware that there has to be an interruption in contact between you and your ex. They'll understand, but if they don't, then f*ck them. But yeah, I know you want to make every excuse in the world to necessitate hovering around your ex, but you don't. You can have your friends and be in NC with your ex.
Author mantlefan Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Last week after seeing my ex with my friend at church, I decided to go NC with them. My ex was visiting him (she usually goes somewhere else) and that is his and my normal church and I thought it was a one-time thing, and I figured I shouldn't leave the church I want to go to just because he brought my ex there once. This week, I go there again, and I am relieved that he isn't there. Well, 10 minutes into the service they walk in late together. The week before, I had tried to be cordial, try to be friendly to both of them. But now I think I need to be gone from there. I can't help but feel like it is a power game on the part of my ex. Today would have been exactly 5 1/2 years for us, and we have a ton of mutual friends, mutual interest in organizations we like to volunteer for. etc. She never seemed like a vengeful or selfish person. In fact, I really feel like she has rubbed off on me in a way that makes me more concerned about others and more empathic. But I feel like she thinks she's in a battle for the things we shared. She wants to assert a monopoly on our mutual friends, wants me to want to leave the church I go to, wants me to get away from my "friend" (her possible new love interest, although mutual friends claim they are not together), and wants me to get away from the place we both usually work in the summers. I think in the breakup I forfeited a lot of my self respect. Begging, crying, sending gifts, etc. By retreating from everything I care about that she seems to be staking a claim in, I have no idea if maintaining my self-respect means standing my ground in those areas or if it means doing what will help me heal from her the fastest, even if that means giving up so much of what is important to me.
julzfromsa Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I'm so sorry to hear about this very difficult situation. It is indeed very difficult. I completely understand your frustration at the fact that she wont leave your life alone as it is apart of hers in a way (mutual friends and church). After 5.5 years one feels like the least she could do is to go to another church or make some new friends, but unfortunately it never happens like that. The only way for you to get better is a strict NC policy. I think it is absolutely necessary for you to attend a different church, and distance yourself from the mutual friends you have. Even if it just for now. I have told the my friends who are mutual, that i do not want to hear her name. I dont want to know how she is doing, or what she has been up to. If they go out together, then i simply will make other plans for the night. Its not nasty, or ugly, but completely necessary. Here with you mate
Author mantlefan Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) Part of me wants her to know that I am doing this for ME, cutting her out of my life. Deep down I don't want to hurt her, even though she is hurting me more than she needs to. We meant a lot to each other and maybe we still could someday as friends, and although the breakup was almost mutual (she wanted kids and I wasn't sure, we both felt it going bad), the way we (mostly I) handled the breakup, it may just be too messed up. Thanks for the advice. She never even went to this church before the breakup. I really trusted her for a long time, but now I think I need to be honest that trusting her at this point is idiotic. I can't see how she has no ulterior motive. I may have already lost a couple friends (the guy she is dating, and a close friend of hers who I was a jerk to and tried to get to tell me what my ex was doing). This has really brought out the worst in me in a lot of ways. After I found out this friend she might be with was in dating limbo with her EVEN WHILE I was confiding in him about the breakup, it was almost a relief. That even though I care about her, I don't think I owe either of them anything. I am tempted to think that I am being strong by admitting that I am too weak to still go to that church with her there. Once I heal (and yes, I say those shakily because I really think I will, but my heart resists my head sometimes), maybe any care that we still have for each other will manifest as it should. I still think that if she and I had never been head over heels in love for each other, we would be best friends. But maybe the short love in the past was worth losing a wonderful friendship in the future. Just sort of thinking out loud I guess. Thank you for your support and your advice. Edited January 5, 2014 by mantlefan
julzfromsa Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Part of me wants her to know that I am doing this for ME, cutting her out of my life. Deep down I don't want to hurt her, even though she is hurting me more than she needs to. We meant a lot to each other and maybe we still could someday as friends, and although the breakup was almost mutual (she wanted kids and I wasn't sure, we both felt it going bad), the way we (mostly I) handled the breakup, it may just be too messed up. Thanks for the advice. She never even went to this church before the breakup. I really trusted her for a long time, but now I think I need to be honest that trusting her at this point is idiotic. I can't see how she has no ulterior motive. I may have already lost a couple friends (the guy she is dating, and a close friend of hers who I was a jerk to and tried to get to tell me what my ex was doing). This has really brought out the worst in me in a lot of ways. After I found out this friend she might be with was in dating limbo with her EVEN WHILE I was confiding in him about the breakup, it was almost a relief. That even though I care about her, I don't think I owe either of them anything. I am tempted to think that I am being strong by admitting that I am too weak to still go to that church with her there. Once I heal (and yes, I say those shakily because I really think I will, but my heart resists my head sometimes), maybe any care that we still have for each other will manifest as it should. I still think that if she and I had never been head over heels in love for each other, we would be best friends. But maybe the short love in the past was worth losing a wonderful friendship in the future. Just sort of thinking out loud I guess. Thank you for your support and your advice. You have to remember that she is a very different person to the one you love and know. I can promise you that. Imagine after 11 years and 6 months from been married, that "special person" tells you they do not love you anymore. That person has changed and its in you best interest to grow, move on, and become better. We are in the same boat, and all i can tell you is that my NC has helped. More than anything! 1
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