soccerrprp Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) OP, You seriously need to consider her emotional state and maturity. She fell in LOVE with another guy while in a relationship with you LD!!!!!!!!! WTF! She sounds like one of the classic people who fall head over heals easily with any person who gives them any attention and when things get stressful or she gets needy. [sHIVER] No way I would feel or trust this girl again. Don't for a minute be naive to think that she is not talking to, flirting with this guy she says she will no longer have contact with. You are not there and she can say, do anything w/o your knowledge. Edited January 6, 2014 by soccerrprp
Author lamis Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Here is an update for all those who are curious: We got past the whole thing and everything seemed to be going well for a couple of months, but these past few days her doubts have resurfaced. She has not been seeing much of the aforementioned guy and told me that it is making her miserable. I am going to be where she is in about two weeks and we are going to talk it out face to face just because that's what our relationship deserves after all this time together, but I'm fairly sure that we're done. One time of dealing with this is one thing, but a second time is a pattern and I can't live the rest of my life thinking that she is going to suddenly not be sure about us, and I think she feels the same. It is going to suck having someone who has been part of my life for almost three years and someone that has been in my future plans for over a year completely removed from my life, but I realize now it is what is best, and in the end I'll find happiness somewhere else. So the short version is basically that all of those of you who told me to give up a few months ago were smart, and any one who stumbles upon this thread from a google search or just surfing this forum and are having similar problems, listen to the advice others gave in this forum and don't make the same mistake I did. 2
Author lamis Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Another update: We actually ended up breaking up via Skype the same day I posted the above message. She claims that she wasn't choosing between me and the other guy, but me and being single. She says that she's going to be single for a while. I kind of find that hard to believe, but either way I know our break-up was for the best. I still think it was worth trying to preserve it in the first place just in case she was wrong about her feelings/doubts for the other guy. Feelings can be complicated. But still yeah, you guys were all right.
soccerrprp Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 lamis, This was for the best (for you). Her considering being single for a while is a deflection. If she's not with "that" guy, the next nice guy that comes along will be a person of interest to her. When people say such things, it's just another way to say that he/she is not ready to have a relationship with you and they think that it will help lessen the blow of rejection to you...
Author lamis Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 lamis, This was for the best (for you). Her considering being single for a while is a deflection. If she's not with "that" guy, the next nice guy that comes along will be a person of interest to her. When people say such things, it's just another way to say that he/she is not ready to have a relationship with you and they think that it will help lessen the blow of rejection to you... Yeah, I know that's why she said it. I am going through a lot of pain right now of course, but I am positive about it about 90 percent of the time. We had a great time for the bulk of our relationship and I learned a lot from her and from our relationship. In the end I think I come out ahead for having had this relationship, even if the journey to being completely okay with it is a long one.
soccerrprp Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Yeah, I know that's why she said it. I am going through a lot of pain right now of course, but I am positive about it about 90 percent of the time. We had a great time for the bulk of our relationship and I learned a lot from her and from our relationship. In the end I think I come out ahead for having had this relationship, even if the journey to being completely okay with it is a long one. Good luck. Time does heal and right now you're still holding onto the "mostly" good times, so makes it hard to move on and rationalize what happened to it all.
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 justwhoiam, You make some good points, and while it does hurt me that she loves him, and I know it will hurt her to cut him out of her life, she did tell me that she loves me more, that I am a part of her family, and that our shared experiences all combined together make me more important to her. They do work together, but they are in a situation where if she really does cut him out of her life, she only has to see him at meetings every couple of months. I don't doubt it will be hard for her, but I am willing to give her that chance to cut him out. If she can't, I will leave her. KatZee, The situation isn't exactly the same, because, though I didn't discuss it in detail in the original post, she expresses extreme remorse about everything and is beating herself up to a kind of ridiculous point. She isn't just trying to pretend it didn't happen, we had long conversations about it all while she is here, and she is trying to work through it. You're right I don't want to walk down the aisle with someone who cheated on me, but I think she at least deserves this chance. We have had too much together not to at least try. Maybe I will get hurt in the end, but I am willing to take the risk. Even if I get hurt, I'll survive in the long run, whereas if things work out and this is just a minor blip on the radar, my life in the future could be exactly what I have been imagining for almost a year. I think it is worth the risk, provided that I can find a way to trust her completely again. Well, it appears you've answered your own question. The response seems to be unanimous on here regarding her inappropriate behavior and blatant disrespect for you and your relationship and YET it feels like you're making excuses for her. It's painfully obvious to me that you're working overtime to try and convince those of us reading these threads and yourself, that there is still hope. I suppose I might be more sympathetic and agreeable with your desire to give it another chance if her new love interest was someone that she met out of town at a conference or at whilst on vacation rather than someone that remains a part of her everyday life. THAT concerns me for many reasons which should seem obvious. Particularly because she admitted to having fallen in love with this guy...but not as much as she loves you of course All I have to say is be careful my friend. Be very careful. Unless your LDR is about to come to a close very soon, I am of the mindset that once a cheater, always a cheater and if nothing else, this blip in your relationship and the trust that was broken will resurface and wreak havoc later on. Good Luck.
Author lamis Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Good luck. Time does heal and right now you're still holding onto the "mostly" good times, so makes it hard to move on and rationalize what happened to it all. I don't think remembering that what we had was good at times is going to prevent me from moving on. I don't think getting angry or focusing on the bad things would help any more. At least this way I don't feel like my time was wasted, I feel like I learned a lot and grew a lot as a person because of her and our relationship. This doesn't mean I sit around all day thinking about the good times, it just means I valued our time together while still understanding it had to come to an end. I think this is actually pretty much the healthiest way to move on after a break-up. There's no blaming her, no blaming myself, just acceptance of the fact that it didn't work and these things happen. Not to say there isn't grieving, but there also isn't obsessing over the situation, hoping she takes me back, and so on that I see people talk about on these message boards all the time. 1
Author lamis Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 btw update, she is now dating the same guy mentioned back in the first post in January. You are all smart people. Note to all: if there is an overwhelming opinion about something on this message board, everyone else is probably right, your feelings be damned.
mr_dave Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 btw update, she is now dating the same guy mentioned back in the first post in January. You are all smart people. Note to all: if there is an overwhelming opinion about something on this message board, everyone else is probably right, your feelings be damned. I hadn't seen this thread but I had a carbon copy experience. I'm glad you seem to realise it was for the best, if a girl can get attached to another guy whilst you're an item, you're better off without her.
OnlyHonesty Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) The way she puts it is that she does love him, but she doesn't see the same things in him that she sees in me (i.e., a future, marriage, kids), and that her love for me is much deeper. Translation is as follows... She loves the other guy, he gives her the tingles, she lusts after him and he excites her but he is not interested in settling down because he has options. He is not interested in getting married or having kids so due to this, she spins it to make it sound like she sees these things in you and not him. The truth is, she sees these things in you and that's all she sees. She does not feel lust for you, she does not feel excited by you and she sees you as a provider and as her second choice. Her love for you is deeper is all about the love she has for what you can provide her. If you allow her into your life, she will cheat on you again but this time you won't be able to walk away so easily due the potential of having children. My advice to you is simple, wake up! EDIT: I just noticed the update but I will leave this here for anyone else who may be going through similar. To the OP, it hurts like hell but you dodged an even more painful bullet but you will not see this until some time has passed. Good luck and be sure to learn from this. Learn the true nature of people and never make assumptions or trust blindly. Edited May 6, 2014 by OnlyHonesty
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