lamis Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Hey all, My fiancée and I are currently in a long distance relationship. We lived in the same place for about a year and a half before I moved across the world for 11 months for my job. We are about 5 months in, and we just saw each other for the first time in that span. I feel completely the same about her as always have, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. However, from the moment she got her she said that things seemed different. Near the end of her stay she finally admitted that she is in love with someone she works with, that his feelings are reciprocated, and that they have kissed once. This revelation essentially revealed to me that she had been lying to me for months, as I had repeatedly expressed concerns about this same guy she was hanging out with and telling her that I thought he probably had feelings for her, and she repeatedly told me that he did not and that even if he did it didn't matter because she only wanted me. She told me that she loves me and that she wants to be with me, and that she is going to cut him out of her life. My trust for her is obviously shaken, as I never imagined she would do anything like this in a million years and I trusted her with all of my heart. However, I do believe she is going to try her best to not make the same mistakes. I also realize that I made mistakes that probably contributed to her actions -- we did very little to make each other feel like we were still in a relationship, other than Skyping every day for an hour or so. Going forward, I am going to send her more messages during the day and more frequently send her gifts out of the blue. So in short, we have both made mistakes and we are going to try not to make them for the last 6 months I am here. In 3 months I will be where she is for a month, and 2 months after that visit I will be home for good, so we are past the longest time without seeing one another in our LDR. The problem is, I am completely torn up by what she did, and I don't know if I can ever completely trust her again. I thought that she would never lie to me, but it is clear that she did many times for a couple of months. I am now exhibiting pretty typical untrusting boyfriend/fiancé/husband behavior. For example, today I did something I have never done, and checked her facebook messages. I know this is a sign that my trust in her is shaken, and it worries me about the future of our relationship. Does anyone have any advice on how to regain trust after being hurt so badly by a loved one? People with first-hand experience are preferred, but any advice is welcome. I want to give her another chance, and I want to be able to trust her in doing so, but I need some help finding that trust. Edited January 4, 2014 by lamis
justwhoiam Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I don't have a similar situation to offer, sorry. But I'd like to have my say anyway. You never did anything special for 5 months... that was a mistake. But you did something right: you expressed concern about her going out with this man and about his intentions. Had you been careless, the outcome could have been expected, but after you making known you didn't agree to that, then she started being at fault. Right then and there. We don't know if they just kissed or what. You can't even say she lied. In my life, I had been warned about men's intentions at least 4 times (that I can remember, but they're probably more) and I didn't believe any of that. I was just being naive and thinking they were just being friendly. I had to learn it the hard way. One was an old friend, he started looking at my legs with lust. Another one had been an ex colleague for a very long time and he bluntly told me he had a sexual dream about me. Some other guy showed up at my place after the holidays (I didn't let him in) with a gift for me and trying to chat me up to no end, but I was clearly not interested. And the fourth one I can recall became my boyfriend afterwards. Oh, I just remembered other two episodes, and I'm sure there are more. Thinking of it now, I rejected more men than I said yes to them. So, well, give her the benefit of the doubt on that. Though she did the wrong thing for sure. What's worrisome now is she said she's in love with him. How can she stop being in love with him?? I'm putting myself in your shoes. You're with her and thinking she's in love with someone else... Also, you can't force yourself being in love with someone, you know? So I'm not sure about her cutting him out of her life... also, they work together...........
KatZee Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 My ex cheated on me and I stupidly decided to stay and to "forgive him" and "get over" the betrayal. I stayed because I loved him. I stayed because I believed him when he said he regretted it, I believed him when he said he would work on the relationship. In reality, none of that happened. I didn't forgive him. I never got over it. Each subsequent month I remained with him the hate, the anger, the resentment just got stronger and stronger. He never even cared that he cheated. After he "confessed" he acted as if he could just sweep it under the rug and proceed with the relationship like nothing ever happened. He couldn't handle my mood swings (believe me you WILL have them). Staying with a person who has cheated on you is the worst experience I've ever had. If I could go back in time and just dump him right then and there, I would. I will never again in my lifetime ever remain with someone who I knew cheated on me. They would be completely done regardless of any situation. I have no tolerance, no sympathy, and will never be able to justify anyone's reason for cheating. There are zero excuses. It's not your fault either. Skyping once a day for an hour?! That's perfectly sufficient communication time in a LDR. I was lucky if I spoke to my ex for 15 minutes on the phone a day when we were in an LDR. Your fiance chose to emotionally cheat on you. She chose to get close to this guy. She then chose to physically cheat on you. IMO she's not to be trusted. And without trust, there is no relationship. She's your fiance. You are NOT married yet. I would say you dodged a major bullet here. Do you really want to watch a liar and a cheater walk down the aisle and sign your life away to this person? There are far better people out there who WOULDN'T cheat on you. 6
Author lamis Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 justwhoiam, You make some good points, and while it does hurt me that she loves him, and I know it will hurt her to cut him out of her life, she did tell me that she loves me more, that I am a part of her family, and that our shared experiences all combined together make me more important to her. They do work together, but they are in a situation where if she really does cut him out of her life, she only has to see him at meetings every couple of months. I don't doubt it will be hard for her, but I am willing to give her that chance to cut him out. If she can't, I will leave her. KatZee, The situation isn't exactly the same, because, though I didn't discuss it in detail in the original post, she expresses extreme remorse about everything and is beating herself up to a kind of ridiculous point. She isn't just trying to pretend it didn't happen, we had long conversations about it all while she is here, and she is trying to work through it. You're right I don't want to walk down the aisle with someone who cheated on me, but I think she at least deserves this chance. We have had too much together not to at least try. Maybe I will get hurt in the end, but I am willing to take the risk. Even if I get hurt, I'll survive in the long run, whereas if things work out and this is just a minor blip on the radar, my life in the future could be exactly what I have been imagining for almost a year. I think it is worth the risk, provided that I can find a way to trust her completely again. 1
HeavenOrHell Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Nothing you've done from what you've said should have caused her to cheat, r/ships take effort from both people to make them work. Assuming you've not cheated on her? >admitted that she is in love with someone she works with, that his feelings are reciprocated, This revelation essentially revealed to me that she had been lying to me for months, as I had repeatedly expressed concerns about this same guy she was hanging out with and telling her that I thought he probably had feelings for her, and she repeatedly told me that he did not and that even if he did it didn't matter because she only wanted me.< You say IS in love with, you mean she still is? If so then this is serious I personally wouldn't be able to trust someone if they'd been lying to me for months, or fallen in love with someone else. And I would need VERY good reasons why it had happened before considering taking them back. Sorry for you that this has happened.
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 This isn't some one night stand. You are engaged & the time you have to be away is barely half over. In an LDR trust is all you have. Without it, what's the point? She told you she is in LOVE with this other person. That's huge, especially since you two are engaged. End it now or at the very least post pone the wedding so you can get as many of your deposits back as possible. You cannot get married until this is resolved. I'd be walking out the door because the whole foundation of your relationship has been destroyed. 4
truth_seeker Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 She said she is in love with another man. There's nothing you can do to change that. Be lucky you're not married to her. You can make a clean break and get on with your life. Start the healing process now. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 It seems you are following the same flawed way of thinking that many men do when a partner cheats. The only persons fault for cheating is the person who cheated. If she wasn't happy with something, she could have said so, if things felt stale, she could have talked. You saying that you could have contributed to her cheating is bs. Now in this case, you would be a fool to continue with her, she is not attracted to you, she does not get 'the vibe' from you and she is unconsciously looking elsewhere even if she has cut the guy out of her life. Any self respecting man would and should walk. If you do not walk, you will be sending her a message that there are no consequences for her actions, you will let her do what ever she wishes and forgive her without question. I believe in forgiveness but sometimes it's not possible. I think cheating is one of those things. Once trust has been broken, that's it. This is your first warning of her true self, ignore it at your own peril. 2
slimmontana Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Simple advice to you is just to cut her off...Im speaking from experience. When someone means the world to you...You would not risk losing them under any circumstances. Its a hard pill to swallow but you do not mean the world to her...why else would she risk losing you? Let it go there is better out there. 2
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 What would be the point of salvaging this relationship on a purely rational basis? She allowed herself to fall IN LOVE with another man with whom she is seeing day in and day out. On top of that they got physical. You are far away. She obviously felt a void in the relationship that may or may not have been based solely on the distance but at this point unless she is resigning or switching to another location, I don't see the point. She love(d) you, but not enough to respect the logical boundaries that should have existed between her and other men. If she cannot forsake all others during engagement, how will she accomplish this "feat" in marriage? When someone shows you who they are, believe them! It sounds like the both of you are downplaying the magnitude of this betrayal. It wasn't just sex to her, FEELINGS ARE INVOLVED!! Feelings that she should only feel towards you. You have to cut your losses and move on. This sounds like insincere remorse. "She is going to try her best?" As if she isn't an adult who has no control over her feelings and actions? This is all bs. I am sorry. Someone who lacks discretion and loyalty in my book isn't worthy of my hand in marriage. But everyone has different standards. I am not saying that people can never become better after cheating, but this wasn't one lapse of judgement; she was carrying on two relationships at once! I am not saying you were the perfect bf but you are only accountable for your own actions, NOT HERS. If she felt her needs weren't being met she should have explicitly expressed this to you and both of should have come up with a game plan to remedy this and if after than she saw it still wasn't working, a break up would be most prudent. Don't ever take the blame for foul things someone else does; they have free will. This doesn't look promising. Sorry. 1
Author lamis Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Wow, I guess I didn't think the responses would so universally be "dump her," but you all make good points. I definitely have a lot to think about. Right this moment I am still planning on giving her this chance -- if she tells me she can't stop being friends with him, or something happens again, I will obviously leave her, but I still think I should give her this chance. No one thinks essentially putting her on probation is a good idea? Instead I should just end it now?
Author lamis Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 The way she puts it is that she does love him, but she doesn't see the same things in him that she sees in me (i.e., a future, marriage, kids), and that her love for me is much deeper.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Just trying to understand that if she's in love with him how can she be in love with you as well? Or maybe she just feels attracted to him but not as a long term partner. I personally can't be *in* love with more than once person at a time. Can you fully trust her now? For me it would be a total turn off if he'd fallen in love with someone else, I want someone who wants me and only me. The way she puts it is that she does love him, but she doesn't see the same things in him that she sees in me (i.e., a future, marriage, kids), and that her love for me is much deeper.
juicygirl Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 This is crazy, what you are doing is emotionally torturing yourself by staying with her. The trust is ruined, she didn't just cheat or fancy a different guy, she fell in love with him. I would leave her and never contact her again. It's harder to leave a cheater because you have feeling invested in the partner etc, but to me cheating shows the cheating spouse doesn't value the relationship. She weight up the risk of losing you and decided to cheat anyway, what does that tell you?
mammasita Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Honestly OP, I don't think you should be with this woman. I was in a relationship with a military man that turned long distance when he went to Korea. He "accidentally" fell in love with a woman while he was there, but had every intention of coming back to me when his year overseas was up. Um, how about NO. We certainly can't help how we feel, but she had full control over whether she followed up physically with this other man. Additionally, if you are her fiancé.....she should have come to you the SECOND she had any issue. Don't torture yourself trying to rebuild this broken relationship. 1
justwhoiam Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Just trying to understand that if she's in love with him how can she be in love with you as well? Or maybe she just feels attracted to him but not as a long term partner. I personally can't be *in* love with more than once person at a time. Can you fully trust her now? For me it would be a total turn off if he'd fallen in love with someone else, I want someone who wants me and only me. I agree with this. As we're both women, I too can say I find it extremely difficult that she can be in love with two guys at the same time. She can love you both, but in love... not so sure. Also, as I see it, she's giving up passion to be with you, because you represent something more stable and less risky. If I were a man, I wouldn't be OK with that. I'd want passion too. And as a woman, that only means that if passion shows up again, she might surrender to it easily. It makes you feel alive. And if it's not there right at the start, it's a very bad start and doesn't make for a healthy relationship.
veggirl Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Has she quit her job or started looking for another? It's not appropriate for her to be around this guy in any capacity. Has she signed up for counseling to figure out how she allowed herself to fall IN LOVE with another man & deceive and disrespect you to the max? Exactly what steps is she taking to ensure this doesn't happen again? How did she allow it to get to the point of in love? Why do you believe she JUST kissed him? Have you heard of trickle truth? Call off the engagement. Even if you don't dump her, call off the engagement and start over. You have a long ways to go before you can marry her. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Right this moment I am still planning on giving her this chance -- if she tells me she can't stop being friends with him, or something happens again, I will obviously leave her, but I still think I should give her this chance. No one thinks essentially putting her on probation is a good idea? Instead I should just end it now? How are you going to "put her on probation" from the other side of the world? If you were here & could monitor what's going on & you two had the ability to work on your relationship together, maybe, but probably not. The nail in the coffin for me was that she said she was "in love" with this other guy. If it was "just physical" . . . maybe you could get past it. . . she scratched an itch that you were unable to satisfy due to the distance . . . but here she's clearly looking for & getting something from him that you can't give her. That won't change so what's the point of the "probation"? 1
Maaikekf Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I agree with Veggirl, call off the engagement/wedding plans. You both made mistakes, but in my opinion, a kiss is a romantic or sexual act. There's usually several sides to a situation, and it is tough to form an opinion without knowing most of the facts. Being together may prove the difference.. or not. You could go on with her, but you'd need time together to see how you still feel about things. You'd need to be together to see if you could regain your trust in her, and she'd have to work damn hard to get it. It is not an easy desicion to make, whether to go on together or not, but be sure you're convinced that what you're doing is the right thing. If I were in your place, it'd be over though. I don't trust people easily and when it gets damaged in a situation like that, it really is over for me. For me it wold lead to checking telephones and such, and that'd make me deeply unhappy.. I've been through that once, and once is more than enough.
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) Wow, I guess I didn't think the responses would so universally be "dump her," but you all make good points. I definitely have a lot to think about. Right this moment I am still planning on giving her this chance -- if she tells me she can't stop being friends with him, or something happens again, I will obviously leave her, but I still think I should give her this chance. No one thinks essentially putting her on probation is a good idea? Instead I should just end it now? How do you do this from across the pond? Who wants to be in something where someone lacks that much temperance on their own as an adult that they need "probation?" How do you know for sure they just kissed? I mean she didn't have to tell you she was having an affair (emotionally and most likely very physically too) so I give her that much credit but unless she is chaste, I know for sure most people aren't able to keep their hands off someone whom they are physically attracted to, in love with, and can be intimate with. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's just practical. How could they stop at just a kiss? The sexual tension as well, seeing each other every day would be through the roof! The engagement needs cancellation; she is NOT marriage material right now. I think you represent comfort, convenience, and familiarity that she doesn't want to let go of but something is very broken inside of her and the relationship and unless the root is unmasked, she acts like an adult with self control, resigns from that job and completely sever ties with this man, there is marginal hope. Sorry for the doom and gloom but just calling a spade a spade. Edited January 5, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly
veggirl Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 OH and she STILL loves the guy?!! but you are a better prospect for marriage/future...better hope he doesn't get a raise or something That's rich. You are playing with fire OP and I suspect you'll get burned bad. She isn't even doing anything to remedy this. I'm very curious about the questions I asked in my previous reply.
soccerrprp Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 The moment any girl would tell me that she was in love with someone else....that would be the end. Especially if they work together, see each other daily, in a LDR w/o you knowing what is really going on..... No way I would tolerate that. 2
Omei Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 This will be short... You don't forgive she cheated and you were not even apart that long yet, before she allowed someone else to enter her heart. Bull****.
georgecostanza Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Wow, I guess I didn't think the responses would so universally be "dump her," but you all make good points. I definitely have a lot to think about. Right this moment I am still planning on giving her this chance -- if she tells me she can't stop being friends with him, or something happens again, I will obviously leave her, but I still think I should give her this chance. No one thinks essentially putting her on probation is a good idea? Instead I should just end it now? If you give her another chance you're just going to end up hurting yourself more. If this guy lives in the same town as you're gf and she has got as far as to thinking that she is in love with him, that means that she has a) definitely checked out of your relationship on a number of levels and b) has gone a lot further than just kissing him one time. Furthermore, you've got more months ahead when you aren't there and he is. You won't have a fiance to come back to. For her to say that she is in love with him is huge. This isn't just a drunken one night stand. For her saying that her love for you is deeper, read that her love for you is less passionate - it's based around history and ties with friends and family etc. Her relationship with this guy is still fresh and driven by passion and lust which was strong enough to completely override whatever it is that she feels for you. What would make you think that she could suddenly resist this next time you go away? What evidence has she given you that her behaviour will change? She does not sound repentant. I know all of these responses are hard to hear, but they come from experience.
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