LimboDancer Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 It’s been three months to the day since I got dumped. The first month was spent going our separate ways ( we lived together) with plenty of not letting go on my part and mixed signals on her part. The last two months have been punctuated by cycles of broken NC caused by her breadcrumbs/extremely mixed signals and my continued “perseverance”, none lasting more than 7 days. Today marks another 7, but this time I’ve resolved to take it to the finish. In our last phone conversation, I told her I couldn’t deal with the mixed signals anymore. Her response was cold and hurtful but I didn’t bite – I did not challenge her point of view, beg or whine, just made note of it. Anyone that looks at days spent together as if we were still a couple, days in which SHE instigated sex and intimacy – anyone that looks at that as “ simply making the best of having to be together and having fun” isn’t worth trying to rationalize with. Anyone that is focused entirely on the negatives of our relationship isn’t worth arguing with. I only told her that given her negative view of our relationship and therefore me, I had no desire to interact any further. Then I did IT – I sent her a short note in a card. My intent was to get things back on the high road and to shut a door – not for her but for me. The note acknowledged my difficulty in letting go, acknowledged things that had challenged her in the relationship and concluded with an affirmation that we will be okay without each other. She’s received it by now, we haven’t been in contact for a week and I don’t intend to respond to anything from her, even a holiday message. Of course, I’ve considered that sending the card was a mistake, so much on this site about that. And yeah, I know I told her I didn't want to interact any further. But I do not want, need or expect a response. I prefer the high road. She couldn’t endure the hard times. She has strung me along and she has used me. And to rationalize it all she focuses on only the negatives of our relationship. I prefer to look at the big picture, good and bad, and to exit with some semblance of grace and dignity. Obviously the best way to do that would have been to walk away and go NC 3 months ago, but that didn’t happen. All I have is the past 7 days and every day here forward.
TylerDurdenn Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Look at my thread in the coping section. Join me? First one to fail has to eat raw chicken. 2
strive Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Look at my thread in the coping section. Join me? First one to fail has to eat raw chicken. This made me laugh. 1
Author LimboDancer Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Look at my thread in the coping section. Join me? First one to fail has to eat raw chicken. I'm in! I hate raw chicken. 1
TylerDurdenn Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I'm in! I hate raw chicken. Make a post in my thread, let everyone know you'll be joining me. The support/advice I've received so far has been great.
Author LimboDancer Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 There is one fly in the ointment with maintaining NC. The reason she initiated contact last time was because of an outstanding financial issue we have regarding the place we rented. We have to cooperate to get it resolved - it is between the two of us and the landlord. I've given her all the tools and info needed to get things wrapped up and to get me my portion of our money. Yet a week later nothing. I'm concerned that she is holding this card - waiting for me to be forced to contact her yet again to find out where things stand. Why on earth wouldn't she want to get things wrapped up? With this resolved, there will be no reason to ever contact each other again.
Author LimboDancer Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Feedback welcome. This is a tough day and I know I won't hear a thing. Almost as if she gets off on f***ing with me.
Author LimboDancer Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 Got the Thanksgiving breadcrumb last night - phone rang, I had already gone to bed. She left a VM wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. I don't know if I should ignore or respond courteously. I definitely do not want to call and risk speaking to her, so I would only send a text. There's no bad blood or cheating - but it's been difficult with repeatedly broken no contact. I had offered to go visit her for T-giving knowing that she would be alone / working some of the time. She did not take me up on it. So do I reciprocate the holiday greeting or ignore? I do not want nor do I expect anything to generate from this.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Let it go unanswered. You say that breaking NC has been a problem, so stop breaking it. 3
organizedchaos Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Got the Thanksgiving breadcrumb last night - phone rang, I had already gone to bed. She left a VM wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. I don't know if I should ignore or respond courteously. I definitely do not want to call and risk speaking to her, so I would only send a text. There's no bad blood or cheating - but it's been difficult with repeatedly broken no contact. I had offered to go visit her for T-giving knowing that she would be alone / working some of the time. She did not take me up on it. So do I reciprocate the holiday greeting or ignore? I do not want nor do I expect anything to generate from this. I got a text from the ex yesterday wishing me a happy thanksgiving. No bad blood or cheating either. I had the same debate as you. She didn't have to send it but did bc she's thinking of me and obv missing me on that day. So I did respond but showed no emotion. "Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving." And left it at that. You could respond via text, "Thanks for the call. Happy Thanksgiving" No "hope you had a great Thanksgiving" or anything emotional.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I am always amazed at the insanity of people asking the same question over and over and over when they KNOW what the answer is. Do you really think ANYONE here is going to advise sending a response? 1
pinkie Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Totally ignore. You were already in bed for the evening. Which means you were the 'last' person she thought of yesterday.
StyleOnEm Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Didn't you say in the other thread you kinda hoped she would get in touch only to assert your power by NOT responding? So what the heck is this thread about you having second thoughts??
Author LimboDancer Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 Thanks for the reinforcement. it's been complicated with an as yet unresolved practical matter in play that requires a base level of communication and cooperation between us. I just want to be free.
Qactus Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Got the Thanksgiving breadcrumb last night - phone rang, I had already gone to bed. She left a VM wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. I don't know if I should ignore or respond courteously. I definitely do not want to call and risk speaking to her, so I would only send a text. There's no bad blood or cheating - but it's been difficult with repeatedly broken no contact. I had offered to go visit her for T-giving knowing that she would be alone / working some of the time. She did not take me up on it. So do I reciprocate the holiday greeting or ignore? I do not want nor do I expect anything to generate from this. everyone is right. you should ignore and show her the real treatment she deserves.
BC1980 Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I got a lame breadcrumb last night too. I deleted the text, but I know it's hard. You feel mean because it seems like such a harmless text. Breadcrumbs are very detrimental though. They keep you in a fake relationship and add nothing positive to your life. It's better just to let them go and cut it off completely. Think of it like this. If my best friend texted me Happy Thanksgiving, but never contacted me otherwise. . . . She's not much of a friend. I don't have to debate over whether or not to respond to her texts. I don't check the phone to see if she called everyday. That is not any way to carry on with any relationship in your life.
Author LimboDancer Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 There is one fly in the ointment with maintaining NC. The reason she initiated contact last time was because of an outstanding financial issue we have regarding the place we rented. We have to cooperate to get it resolved - it is between the two of us and the landlord. I've given her all the tools and info needed to get things wrapped up and to get me my portion of our money. Hurting yet again because I can’t seem to cut the ties with this woman, even when I try really hard!! Not only did she leave me a VM on Thanksgiving night the next morning (yesterday) she calls again. This time the message is about the practical (legal) matter which she finally has made some progress on. Now it seems there is further action required on my part, so had no choice but to call her back. I kept the conversation short and to the point, with minimal chit-chat. But in the end, I’m back in that sad, awful place because of her. Any contact with her generates hope and right now – hope is the enemy!!! Had she never called I know I would have been better – I was pushing through and like many people have mentioned here, not being contacted on Thanksgiving might have put me another step towards accepting the finality of the break-up. I’m at the point where I am ready to walk away from hundreds of dollars owed by our landlord to not have to deal with my ex. I WANT no contact, I want to erase her from my life, I want to be in the place where I don’t care if I ever talk to or see her again. What stops me from cutting off this dealing with her isn’t wanting to cling on to a reason to be in contact. It’s about pride and self esteem – I know that if I say “sorry can’t deal with you forget the money” she will take that and think, “He was so crushed by me that he couldn’t even be mature enough to deal with what essentially was just a business issue.” Which of course feeds her ego and helps her rationalize leaving me – he’s overly emotional and immature, couldn’t handle the break up like an adult. I’ve already let her know I don’t like interacting with her given the fact that she rejected me, but am I not interacting with her? No! So my options are 1) get my money back and get this matter closed – which now looks like it could drag on for another month - by minimizing contact, not chit chatting and being strong as hell. 2) Walk away from the money owed and allow her further justification for her actions. My limbo continues and I am sick of it. Am I just being completely manipulated and f***ed with??!!
Author LimboDancer Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) I've been working hard at maintaining no contact following a very painful break up and the ensuing push pull between me and my ex. I'm the dumpee. I've had to have limited contact until recently - dealing with getting a deposit back on the place we rented together and then the sickness and death of a beloved dog. The deposit issue has been resolved for a couple weeks and she has yet to send me a check for my portion. I know that she has been consumed with the passing of her dog which happened only a week ago. So do I just stay silent and wait for her to get around to sending the check? Or do I prompt her? I feel like the task of her sending me the deposit is just one more thing hanging out there stopping us from absolutely parting ways. We did not communicate on Christmas or New Year's. So on one hand it is clear she also wants NC but on the other she has maintained contact albeit not for trivial things. It's been four long months. I want to completely and finally stop hoping that she will come back and contact of any type doesn't help. Really could use some advise on what to do? My threads are linked below if you cared to read. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=20893750 Edited January 4, 2014 by LimboDancer
flightplan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Your link didn't work for me, but it doesn't matter. Forget the money, move on. The limbo isn't worth any amount in my opinion. She'll send it when she's sends it. She figures she has control because of the money and will keep you on a leash until she's good and ready... just ignore it, take back your power and go NC.
ponchsox Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You don't get tricked into breaking NC. You either stay NC or you don't. This is like fate people saying they get tricked into eating.
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