genuinelyloverly7 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Hello to all! It's been a while; I have come back after a hiatus from most things romantic, and am trying to get out there again to find my mate, and have some fun in the meantime. Backstory- I was in two, long-term relationships (6 and 8 years respectively, spanning all of my 20's and the 2 years before and after), and both were abusive in their ways. And while the first was obviously so- physically, mentally, sexually, socially; the second I didn't see (because he didn't hit me or verbally abuse me) until after the 8 years when I left, only to have him come back and try to make it happen again. This time his anger came through loud and clear, not just passively like before. So I left again. That last break-up was 8 months ago, and very very final. Now I'm out here looking again, and trying to do things differently. But old habits are hard when you don't know how else to act or be. So please help me figure out how to judge men healthily (and I mean judge in its most non-judgmental way ) Here's my process as of now- I focus on myself and my life and projects, and try to get out and meet people (not just romantically) an have fun, so that it's not all bars and hot -n-heavy dance clubs scenes... I am very open and honest- it doesn't occur to me that someone would lie to me about something, or that a man would even approach me if he were dating someone. It's only after we have been talking for a few minutes, or even later, I'll confess... That I think to ask about things like that. And then I don't know how to tell if he is bein honest or not. I usually tell myself that if he is lying, I'll get heart- hurt and get over it- the risk was worth the potential for happiness... But I don't want to get into some kind of physical danger being so trusting (STD's and date-rape type situations). And it also translates into me getting done over by repairmen and car salesmen- both of which have happened in the last 2 months! I'm so fed up with being too trusting! Men either hit on me sexually right away, or sometime on the first date. I don't dress slutty, but I do dress provocatively, because I am a sensual person. It's part of me. Just not all of me, and I represent that (I think). My last LTR (the 8 yr one) was VERY sexual- we watched porn and did the deed all day and night- obviously in retrospect it was all we had focused on in our relationship, and I didn't realize until way too late that he would never get emotionally intimate with me, and was using sex as his cover... Enough about him, though it does lead into how I perceive men as seeing me now. I don't really know how to approach men or even interact with them in a romantic way other than sexually. I can be friends, but usually after I have come to realize that we aren't sexually compatible. Now to be forthright, I will say that I have always been a freak, but I realize that it has to be a part of the whole, and want more (don't get me wrong- I want it). I also try to let him be a man around me- opening doors and whatnot, to show I am receptive to him ( I heard about this from a relationship expert's interview) while still being my confident female self... I'm getting better at it, I suppose. And I do like how it reminds me to slow down in a situation, and calm my nerves. So do I just try to be friends with a guy I'm attracted to and hope it evolves into more from his end, or do I indicate interest? If so, how do I do it without drawing on my apparently sexual wiles? I'm tired of the first or second date always ending by fending off a mans hand down my pants or shirt!
Frank2thepoint Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I don't really know how to approach men or even interact with them in a romantic way other than sexually. For me, this jumped out. If you approach men sexually, then you will only attract men that will be sexual toward you. Are you doing anything for yourself to improve your emotional maturity?
Author genuinelyloverly7 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 I'd love some examples of how to be romantically (and otherwise) emotionally mature. That sounds really lame, but I always thought I was doing so by not expecting him to be the center of my reality, finding common interests and goals with the person I'm interested in, and being fully independent in regards to expecting men to pay for everything... If you do the math you will see that at 34, I've had about 3 years total to be 'single' and learn how to romantically interact in a productive manner. I can own that my relationships both emotionally stunted me, and that is why I am asking for some tips on how to proceed. I'd love to figure out how to flirt without falling back on 'being sexy,' while still being true to myself. I don't like the idea of being a tease, but how else do I portray myself (with alternative lifestyle preferences) without the hullabaloo? Thank you to you and any others who might respond.
williesd Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 genuine... to me, I'd say be honest on the front end, tell them your interested in them, but you need to take things slower than you have in the past. if someone's into you and is trustworthy, I'd think they'll still be there for the sixth or seventh date. if they aren't after the second date, when you might need to be a bit more direct than your used too, then you'll know. also, body distance on a date can send the proper message, if they aren't respecting that, then it might tell you something. don't try and play any seductive games, be real and be honest. just my two cents.
Author genuinelyloverly7 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Thanks willisd- I have always operated from the idea that I was being direct and open about things by being open about sex. The way you put it kind if allowed me to see how guys might see it as games or such, because how can I know if they will perceive those words/actions as the hint about my preferences that they were meant to be, or taken other than I intended- as an invitation to try to make it happen that night. And I really appreciate the body distance tip- that is just what I am looking for- concrete examples of how to act less seductive; I mean I try to come to each date/meeting with the intent of showing how intelligent, funny, non-needy, and honest I am, and always somehow end up responding to flirting with either 'we should be friends and get to know each other,' or 'yeah, I'm a bi swinger.' And I know that as soon as THAT comes out of my mouth, it's all he's gonna be thinkin about. But I guess I also don't want to mislead someone about my relationship needs and goals... Anyway, thanks again; I'm lookin forward to more tips like that one!
Author genuinelyloverly7 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 PS- I don't really blurt out 'I'm a bi swinger!' just like that on a date or almost anywhere else, or at least hardly ever... I was making an example of how direct I am about that part of my life- who wants skeletons in heir new shiny romantic closet of a relationship? Now I'm trying to learn how to be that direct with the rest of my life, but it is a challenge.
williesd Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 geuinelylovely...also being forward about your sexuality on the first date, bad idea. men's hormones take over and if your wanting something substantial, wait until the second or third date, then you can discuss it, but need to be firm about it. discussing it and looking into someone's eyes and reading if they understand isn't a bad thing either. it sounds like your very capable of finding someone to be involved with intimately, you just have to have the men respect that and wait and or work for it. if they are just looking for a one night stand and that's not what your wanting, then tone down the provacativeness the first and second night. yes, some are sensual in nature, but if that's getting you into trouble, take a step back and tone it down a bit initially. and by body distance, you can be close some of the night or when appropriate and pull back the distance also sending same message, not tonight. there is also, the direct, hey i like you, want to explore more, but need to take it slow for a few dates and put out you'll explain more after a few dates. if they bail, so what, it wasn't what you were looking for in the first place. time's on your side if you can be patient with yourself.
Recommended Posts