10 year Silent Treatment.

[LovelyM]

Hello Everyone, I'm new to the forum. I hope someone out there can help me make sense of this 10-year mind boggle that still haunts me.

 

 

What this all boils down to is that I'm looking for closure and peace from someone who has given me the silent treatment and cold shoulder for 10 years.

 

To make a long story as short as possible. About 15 years ago, I fell head-over-heels for a very flirty and newly married co-worker. I was in my early 20s and he was 30. It was my 1st time falling in love. I admit I was young, deaf, dumb and blinded by my infatuation with this man. We worked together nearly 4 years.

 

Our relationship began with casual conversations that progressed to laughter and joking that scurried onward to flirting.

 

The relationship did, per my insistence since he was married, remain platonic - amazingly. Though we did kiss (per his invitation and persistence) on three different occasions. These were not long steamy make out sessions, as they were all on the job because that is the only place we ever saw each other.

 

Everyone we worked with knew I was crazy about him. He was the one who started the more intimate conversations, the dirty talk, telling me about an ex (his first love, who is not his wife). I believe the first love of his life (his great love), who kicked him to the curb and started seeing someone else, had a profound devastating effect on him. I always noticed he had kind of resentment towards women because of this. He confided in me he didn't love his wife for the longest time but that she was a good women and he "learned to love her." But to the outside world he was the perfect doting husband. He would boast at what a great husband he was and people fell for it.

 

He never told me he loved me. I one day confessed to him that I loved him. He seemed overwhelmingly happy, almost ecstatic and his response was "the feeling is mutual." It almost seemed like he was flipped over the moon. He was giddy and wouldn't leave me alone. I even later tried to take back what I said but he knew that I did. And again I confessed it was true.

 

Later on I would ask him if he loved me and he would tell me: things like, "I don't know", "I can't answer that, I'm a married man", "where do you think that question puts me?" I would tell him just be honest and let me know where I stand but he refused. Then I would say: "you don't love me." He would responded: "I never said that." Then I would say: "Then you do love me." And he would respond the same thing: " I never said that."

 

In the genesis of this dooming bloom, he did things like give me his phone number and beg me to call him because his wife would be at work. I never called him. I even explained that it was because he was married and I didn't want to ruin it for him. Such things would only unleash misery for us both. To make matters more confusing he always stated that he would never cheat on his wife. I do believe this. I do believe regardless of all the talk he would have never had the nerve. His wife provided him with social means and a comfortable life that I, as a poor girl, would never have been able to provide. But still he always hounded me with sex talk. He would tell me personal things about his married sex life. He even told me minute to minute details about his fabulous sex life with his ex. From what I could tell he was getting good sex from his wife often so I know he wasn't lacking in it.

 

Things started changing about 6 months after we met when his wife became pregnant. He was excited to be a father. This was the point where I felt the shift and it seemed as if he was starting to turn on me. I brushed it off as him trying to do the "right thing" and be a stand up guy. I respected that. But he never stopped speaking or trying to flirt with me. Also, it was almost like he was trying to rub the soon-to-be child in my face. After the child’s birth he constantly had to remind me what a wonderful family man he was. This was intentional, I could tell. Also, he started boosting about the bigger new house they got and all the friends who would come over. He would tell me I was a "fragile flower and weak". Still we had our good days and our bad.

 

On the approach of 4 years, I had noticed that for about 3 months he had barely come by to see me. I had no clue why but suspected that maybe it was due to the upcoming birth of his second child. He never told me of the pending birth, I found out from someone else. Beaten down, from his carousel of moods and emotions, I came to the conclusion that he never really did care and I put in my two week notice. I never told him because I knew he'd hear through the grapevine and he had barely spoken to me in months anyway. I figured he wanted me to go. One day about three days before I left he came by and said: “I heard you have you’re leaving”. I said yes. Then he walked off and started talking with someone at work as if he cared less. I was hurt. That's all he had to say? There were no goodbyes, no best of lucks or take care of yourself. My last day on the job, he never came into my presents and stayed in another department all night.

 

I do not bother him – ever.

 

10 years go by and I jump into every bit of life I can get my hands on to keep my mind off him. I earned degrees, found new loves (none who were married my lesson was learned), worked dedicatedly, explored interest, moved across the nation (and back).

 

Depending on what goes on in my life thoughts of him come in waves. I'll go months in normalcy and then breakdown for a week in confusion and pain from the closure I never received. The flashbacks of things he said or the way he acted. I feel like I have been emotionally abused and suffer from PTSD or something. It's weird. After all this time he still haunts me. No matter how hard I try to erase him from my mind.

 

Over a year ago, I heard he had cancer and I sent him and email. I apologized for any mean things I had said in the past. I explained that I was young, immature and guided by my own emotions. I wished his family and himself the best of luck. The email did not finger point, did not bring up past feelings or issues, was sincere, non-threatening and friendly. Nowhere in the email did I indicate my feelings in the past. There was no insinuation that I wanted to rekindle any kind of connection or friendship. I just wanted him to know I was disturbed to hear of his situation and I wished him all the luck in the world. I meant it.

 

He never responded.

 

In my heart of hearts, I did want to hear from him. I wanted him to say anything to give me some kind of closure where our past sort of just faded with no goodbyes or good lucks. No nothings. I was hoping in the email, he would see that I still care (not in a lovelorn way but in a I don't wish bad things on you and may you be happy way) and that I was truly sorry if I hurt his feelings. (I could say mean things as well but it was in retaliation to his shots fired). I wanted him to know that I wished his family comfort and to have a beautiful life.

 

All I needed was a “Thank you” or “You take care” or “Don’t ever effing contact me again!” or whatever that would validated closure. He left me with so many unclosed avenues.

 

It could be the case that he never got the email. But I’m 99% sure he did. I got curious (ah, rejection) and looked as his Facebook. He’s a classic friend collector. 450-something kiths. I lurked and saw everyone we basically worked with 15 years ago, all his current co-workers, what looked like everyone from his high school, some of them I recognized as girls who he had sex with but didn’t pursue relationship-wise (he had told me about them in the past and they were before he was married). I saw his ex (great love) who kicked him in the balls. He had people on there that I know he never like and they don’t like him. I looked to see that his account had opened since 2010. There was one person missing – me. So, several years later, he still hasn’t sent me a friend request or even blocked me. He hasn’t responded to my email. I heard his wife left him in a very unflattering way. Still I hear nothing from him.

 

For him – I never existed.

 

Hindsight is 20/20. I realize he never loved me and I have dealt with that. I don’t want him and would never have a relationship with him, you see, the damage is done. That love I felt for him in my 20s has resided. But, I would not reject a platonic friendship, though I don’t wish for that so much either. I want some sort of validation that his feelings towards me are not resentment. I don’t understand this cold shoulder treatment. I don’t understand what I have done so wrong that he can’t even be civil enough to respond. Something obviously is still lingering in his mind. I could be wrong about this but had someone taken the time to acknowledge me after 10 years in a very kind email, even if it were my worst enemy, I’d feel they were worthy enough for a reply. It takes balls.

]I feel like there is a grudge between us. But as much as I’ve replayed the past, I cannot understand this total rejection. I do not know what I did so horribly wrong to get the silent treatment. I walked away; I let him live his life peacefully. Both his ex’s that kicked him in the nuts repeatedly are obviously acknowledged.

 

But not me? The silent treatment? He still, from what I was told, rambles on about all the women of his past. But not a word is murmured about me. That’s why I know he is giving me the cold shoulder.

 

Why would someone give another person the silent treatment like this? I don’t get it.

[amaysngrace]

Hello Everyone, I'm new to the forum. I hope someone out there can help me make sense of this 10-year mind boggle that still haunts me.

 

Why would someone give another person the silent treatment like this? I don’t get it.

 

I'm not really sure what you don't get. He's married, has a family, is a cancer survivor, you know?...real life and living?..while you stalk his Facebook and think a lot about him, obviously, ten years later and you never even were what most people would describe as being intimate.

 

He thinks you're weak. And a "fragile flower" which translates to "emotionally unstable".

 

Have you dated anyone since your infatuation/fantasy with him? Or do your thoughts of him keep you from perusing a real relationship?

 

No offense but you sound a little bit crazy. You have just wasted ten years of your life on a guy who won't give you the time of day.

 

That's really sad.

[HokeyReligions]

10 years! You are going to have to find your own closure. Forget about why and how and just let him go.

[Zahara]

He was married. You provided excitement for him outside of his marriage. When you decided to leave, he saw no need to put in any more "effort". You moved on and so did he. There was no relationship.

 

The question is, why are you so invested in this? The problem doesn't lie with him. You need to fix the breakdown within yourself -- the inability to let go.

[Reels]

Well, you must consider that it might have been impossible to get through such relation for longer, so it was over.

 

Nothing else can be asserted, especially when you have to get away, you must adopt some new hobbies, and close the love chapter for now.

[JDPT]

You've been stuck in time for 10 years. Get professional help.

[LovelyM]

I'm not really sure what you don't get. He's married, has a family, is a cancer survivor, you know?...real life and living?..while you stalk his Facebook and think a lot about him, obviously, ten years later and you never even were what most people would describe as being intimate.

 

He thinks you're weak. And a "fragile flower" which translates to "emotionally unstable".

 

Have you dated anyone since your infatuation/fantasy with him? Or do your thoughts of him keep you from perusing a real relationship?

 

No offense but you sound a little bit crazy. You have just wasted ten years of your life on a guy who won't give you the time of day.

 

That's really sad.

 

 

 

Thanks for your reply and I give it to you that you're right, it is a sad. But not to the extent that you're making it.

 

 

I do not "stalk" his Facebook. I looked for it that one time because that was the only way I could think of to contact him after I heard the news of his illness. The news I did not seek, someone mentioned it to me. I do not bother him except for the one message I sent. If that constitutes as stalking - then so be it. I have not intermingled in his life nor do I have the desire. If thinking about him from time to time constitutes as stalking then I imagine I'm guilty of that as well.

 

 

I do not dwell on him day to day. As I stated, he sometimes will pop up in my mind and it will depress me for short spells. I can't help that. Sorry.

 

 

Emotionally unstable? Sure, maybe a little, most people are. And I won't apologize for feeling what I felt. Sometimes, it's beyond ones control. And if I could change it I would but it's still there. But remember, I'm not knocking on this guys door begging him back or trying to disrupt his life. I did for the most part, except for that little glitch, let it go.

 

 

As I stated, I don't harbor the same feelings for him or want him back. I'm only boggled as to why he never responded.

 

 

I have moved on with my life and yes, dated other people and my life is disconnected and has been disconnected from his. I'm just lingering in this mystery. For whatever reason, even I can't make sense of, I guess it still hurts.

 

 

And I guess the hurting is what's the hardest to cope with.

[LovelyM]

He was married. You provided excitement for him outside of his marriage. When you decided to leave, he saw no need to put in any more "effort". You moved on and so did he. There was no relationship.

 

The question is, why are you so invested in this? The problem doesn't lie with him. You need to fix the breakdown within yourself -- the inability to let go.

 

 

Thank you, Zahara.

[LovelyM]

10 years! You are going to have to find your own closure. Forget about why and how and just let him go.

 

 

 

Thank you, HokeyReligions. You are exactly right. I appreciate that.

[amaysngrace]

He's very rude not to even acknowledge that you've reached out. I don't know why that hurts you though...it is he who is the inconsiderate jerk.

 

Why does him being a jerk to you hurt so bad? There's a whole lot of jerks in the world. You should find better coping skills when you cross paths with one other than getting hurt by them.

 

Nobody can have that power over you unless you allow them to.

[Art_Critic]

All I needed was a “Thank you” or “You take care” or “Don’t ever effing contact me again!” or whatever that would validated closure. He left me with so many unclosed avenues.

 

LovelyM, that is what the silent treatment is, a don't ever contact me again message.

 

If any avenues are still open and you still need closure after 10 years then that isn't his bridge to cross but yours and for you to try and get that from him was kinda not right.

 

We all have pasts and have made mistakes that we wish we hadn't and also have the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda's' but there are also many things we just need to put away and never go back to as closure is never given..

 

Good Luck

[whichwayisup]

His silence tells you he's moved on and it's time you do as well. You've wasted your precious heart and mind on someone who doesn't care about you anymore.

 

You must make peace with this and let go. Rid of the fantasy person you've created in your head of who you think he is. You two never had a real relationship. google baggage reclaim and read the articles on there. The one about unrequited love is one you should look for.

 

The fact that many years have gone by and you're still obsessing and in love with him, isn't good. If you can't get over him in a healthy way, please seek some counseling to help you cope with this better.

 

Time to start living for YOU.

[Yasuandio]

The posters have given you outstanding advice, LovelyM. Therefore, I'm going to look at your post somewhat differently.

 

Your post grabbed me like a good novel. Your words reminded of the person in the background, narrarating the story plot of an old film, during, perhaps the 40's. Specifically, the thoughts in one lover's mind that are shared with the viewers of this film: Her story of unrequited love.

 

Here are my ideas for you, Hon.

 

STEP 1. I was mesmerized by your post - but also your writing style. Here is what I recommend as a theraputic exercise for you I propose you finish this novel or film. Take the parts you've written here, and write the final chapters, the finale, The End.

 

STEP 2. Here is what comes next. Disappear all contact information you have with this man, and/or others you can obtain information from. Make it impossible for you to reach him and visa versa - even if you have to change phone numbers and email addresses. Never again cyberstalk his Facebook page, period. No Contact, Forever. Noone in their right mind waits ten years for someone, and if he did finally come to you, you'd eventially resent him. "Acceptance" that there will never be anything again between you and this man is your friend.

 

STEP 3. Next, get rid of every item, paper, gift, or remembrance of this man. I think burning photos is often very symbolic and might be very therapeutic for you.

 

STEP 4. The end of the story you finished must be delt with. You can share it with us (if u choose to take my advice), or have a little symbolic funeral, burn it, and bury the ashes, or put them in the trash.

 

STEP 5. This step is about early maintainence, and curbing withdrawal symptoms. Never say his name again. If you have a thought of him, squeeze an ice cube and force yourself to think of a pleasant thought (pre-arrange some ideas). When the new thought is in your head, drop the ice cube. (Bowl of ice water with your whole hand in it when you are at your worst). Therapist gave me this idea. Do it at your own Risk.

 

I loved reading your story, but I certainly do regret that it's true. I know your next novel will have to have a happier ending. Yas

 

 

PS. It's just a couple of suggestions.

[LovelyM]

The posters have given you outstanding advice, LovelyM. Therefore, I'm going to look at your post somewhat differently.

 

Your post grabbed me like a good novel. Your words reminded of the person in the background, narrarating the story plot of an old film, during, perhaps the 40's. Specifically, the thoughts in one lover's mind that are shared with the viewers of this film: Her story of unrequited love.

 

Here are my ideas for you, Hon.

 

STEP 1. I was mesmerized by your post - but also your writing style. Here is what I recommend as a theraputic exercise for you I propose you finish this novel or film. Take the parts you've written here, and write the final chapters, the finale, The End.

 

STEP 2. Here is what comes next. Disappear all contact information you have with this man, and/or others you can obtain information from. Make it impossible for you to reach him and visa versa - even if you have to change phone numbers and email addresses. Never again cyberstalk his Facebook page, period. No Contact, Forever. Noone in their right mind waits ten years for someone, and if he did finally come to you, you'd eventially resent him. "Acceptance" that there will never be anything again between you and this man is your friend.

 

STEP 3. Next, get rid of every item, paper, gift, or remembrance of this man. I think burning photos is often very symbolic and might be very therapeutic for you.

 

STEP 4. The end of the story you finished must be delt with. You can share it with us (if u choose to take my advice), or have a little symbolic funeral, burn it, and bury the ashes, or put them in the trash.

 

STEP 5. This step is about early maintainence, and curbing withdrawal symptoms. Never say his name again. If you have a thought of him, squeeze an ice cube and force yourself to think of a pleasant thought (pre-arrange some ideas). When the new thought is in your head, drop the ice cube. (Bowl of ice water with your whole hand in it when you are at your worst). Therapist gave me this idea. Do it at your own Risk.

 

I loved reading your story, but I certainly do regret that it's true. I know your next novel will have to have a happier ending. Yas

 

 

PS. It's just a couple of suggestions.

 

 

 

Thank you, Yasuandio! Unrequited it is though and through. Thank you for the writing compliments, as that was very unplanned and unexpected. But most of all thank you for wonderful advice!

[Speakingofwhich]

LovelyM, the person you described this guy to be seems really odd and egotistical to me. You seem normal to me. I'm sorry you had the misfortune to fall for this odd guy.

 

You didn't really experience him except at work, kind of a tip-of-the-iceberg-type experience. Perhaps if you'd known him any better he would have seemed not just odd but really odd!!!

 

His wife left him in an unflattering way. She may have had plenty of reason to do so.

 

Sorry, he's just weird and you're lucky you haven't had to deal with him for ten years.

Edited January 5, 2014 by Speakingofwhich
spelling

[LovelyM]

LovelyM, the person you described this guy to be seems really odd and egotistical to me. You seem normal to me. I'm sorry you had the misfortune to fall for this odd guy.

 

You didn't really experience him except at work, kind of a tip-of-the-iceberg-type experience. Perhaps if you'd known him any better he would have seemed not just odd but really odd!!!

 

His wife left him in an unflattering way. She may have had plenty of reason to do so.

 

Sorry, he's just weird and you're lucky you haven't had to deal with him for ten years.

 

 

Thanks Speakingofwhich, I had been warned by several people long ago, people that knew him that they swore he was a sociopath. If this is the case I was definitely blinded at the time. It's my fault I didn't catch it if this is truly the case.

[LadyM]

I think there could be a significant chance he never received your note if you sent it on Facebook and you're not a friend of his there. From my experience, these notes go into another folder and sometimes, a long time has passed before I look in this odd folder and realize that someone has sent me a note. The only way to know for sure that he read the note is if at the bottom of the note it says something like "seen at..."

 

He must have been a charming guy because he certainly was able to convince you of untruths. You were able to fall for his claims of his never being able to cheat on his wife. He DID cheat on his wife, with you, and likely others. His behavior with you WAS cheating. Penetration is not the only way to cheat on a spouse. And I can assure you, if he flirted like that with you, along the years, he was flirting with others and likely doing more. Even with two young kids, his wife felt it within her to need to leave him. This marriage could not have been a strong one if he was not completely devoted to her.

 

If he is a sociopath, like his friends have suggested, it's no wonder you fell hard for him and still have feelings for him. These people are incredibly charming, but they are also users and that is what he did to you in those early years. He has no true feelings for others - it's all about him and what feels good to him at the moment, and getting you to flirt with him felt good.

 

I think it's wonderful that you have done so many good things in your life these past ten years! I think it's alright that you wrote him that note, but you did nothing wrong and there was no need to apologize for anything. I think it's awful that he was critical of you. That's another way these kinds of people seem to get a hold on us. It's like we are still waiting for their "approval" and maybe that is part of the reason you sent the note. You want some kind of validation. And you definitely did want a response.

 

I think you are the luckiest girl in the world not to have become involved with him at any deeper level. This is not a good man and he could have ruined your life. If the only remnants you have left are thoughts of him at times, consider yourself very fortunate!

[LovelyM]

He must have been a charming guy because he certainly was able to convince you of untruths. You were able to fall for his claims of his never being able to cheat on his wife. He DID cheat on his wife, with you, and likely others. His behavior with you WAS cheating. Penetration is not the only way to cheat on a spouse. And I can assure you, if he flirted like that with you, along the years, he was flirting with others and likely doing more. Even with two young kids, his wife felt it within her to need to leave him. This marriage could not have been a strong one if he was not completely devoted to her.

 

If he is a sociopath, like his friends have suggested, it's no wonder you fell hard for him and still have feelings for him. These people are incredibly charming, but they are also users and that is what he did to you in those early years. He has no true feelings for others - it's all about him and what feels good to him at the moment, and getting you to flirt with him felt good.

 

I think it's wonderful that you have done so many good things in your life these past ten years! I think it's alright that you wrote him that note, but you did nothing wrong and there was no need to apologize for anything. I think it's awful that he was critical of you. That's another way these kinds of people seem to get a hold on us. It's like we are still waiting for their "approval" and maybe that is part of the reason you sent the note. You want some kind of validation. And you definitely did want a response.

 

I think you are the luckiest girl in the world not to have become involved with him at any deeper level. This is not a good man and he could have ruined your life. If the only remnants you have left are thoughts of him at times, consider yourself very fortunate!

 

 

 

Thank you for this response LadyM, reading all of this you are absolutely right about him on so many levels. I'm just sorry, I never caught on early. And you couldn't have said it any better - better to have only remnants than have been involved with him deeper. Thankfully, I don't have a desire to have a relationship with him and have not since the very early days of all this. Those types of feelings have long since passed.

 

 

I think whatever happened between us was in it's own way brutal and traumatic - for me. I go through long spells (months even years) where I'm fine and he never crosses my mind. Then I get hit with little small spells of awful pain and confusion. Then it will disappear. I sometimes wonder if it's possible I developed a post traumatic stress disorder from all this. But I know that's very far fetched and probably not the case. He was just able to crawl under my skin that well. With all other men I've been involved with in my life, I have never had a lingering reaction to them in such a way. Then again, none of them also played mind games or treated me as bad either.

 

 

 

 

I think that's why I need closure so badly. I hate that I was so young and innocent to things back then. If I had met him 5 or 6 years later it would have been a completely different story. In fact, there wouldn't have been any story at all because I would have cut him off from the get-go. But I guess that's life and sometimes it burns. And I do wish I had never met him at all.

 

 

Thank you again for your wisdom.

[Trimmer]

I think that's why I need closure so badly. I hate that I was so young and innocent to things back then. If I had met him 5 or 6 years later it would have been a completely different story. In fact, there wouldn't have been any story at all because I would have cut him off from the get-go. But I guess that's life and sometimes it burns. And I do wish I had never met him at all.

Part of your learning/healing process (delayed all these years, it seems) will be to realize that the kind of "closure" you are talking about is a myth - it's like thinking that smoking one last cigarette is all you need to really quit - taking one last hit of that drug will start you off on your new, clean life.

 

True closure is your process, and does not, should not - must not - depend on his participation. Real closure is not about digging in to solve the mystery-of-him, but rather about letting go, finally and completely breaking your connection with him, and importantly, accepting and forgiving who you were at the time.

 

All of that happens within you, and should not depend on needing some kind of contact from him, which you imagine will neatly tie everything up in a nice package. Because that contact, in whatever form it takes, is like the smoke from that one last cigarette you think you need to sneak to "start quitting" - you call it closure, but it doesn't do anything to accomplish the real work of moving forward, and in reality, it will still end up doing its last little bit of damage, just the other cigarettes you smoked before.

Edited January 6, 2014 by Trimmer

[RDawg]

Very weird that he never responded to your letter, if he did in fact receive it.

 

He must be a sociopath. Or maybe he is embarrassed that his marriage never worked out, seeing as how he used to gloat about it.

 

Find someone to love you LovelyM. You seem to be an intelligent and articulate woman.

[SurplusIndifference]

Regardless of who he is or what he has done, it has been 10 years. Please get some professional help.

[stillafool]

Are you sure he remembered who you were? This may have been the reason he didn't respond. I think you should talk to a professional to find out why you still feel this way after 10 years when you were never in a relationship with this man. He can't give you closure you will have to get your own closure.

[LovelyM]

Part of your learning/healing process (delayed all these years, it seems) will be to realize that the kind of "closure" you are talking about is a myth - it's like thinking that smoking one last cigarette is all you need to really quit - taking one last hit of that drug will start you off on your new, clean life.

 

True closure is your process, and does not, should not - must not - depend on his participation. Real closure is not about digging in to solve the mystery-of-him, but rather about letting go, finally and completely breaking your connection with him, and importantly, accepting and forgiving who you were at the time.

 

All of that happens within you, and should not depend on needing some kind of contact from him, which you imagine will neatly tie everything up in a nice package. Because that contact, in whatever form it takes, is like the smoke from that one last cigarette you think you need to sneak to "start quitting" - you call it closure, but it doesn't do anything to accomplish the real work of moving forward, and in reality, it will still end up doing its last little bit of damage, just the other cigarettes you smoked before.

 

 

 

Thank you, Trimmer! You are exactly right. I must find closure on my own.

[LovelyM]

Very weird that he never responded to your letter, if he did in fact receive it.

 

He must be a sociopath. Or maybe he is embarrassed that his marriage never worked out, seeing as how he used to gloat about it.

 

Find someone to love you LovelyM. You seem to be an intelligent and articulate woman.

 

 

 

Thank you RDawg, the thought had once crossed my mind about the fact his marriage fell apart. That's not anything I find amusing to happen to anyone. But yes, he did gloat about it. And I've noticed that often the people that run around and talk about how perfect their relationships are, are the very ones who have the biggest marital problems. Thank you for the compliment! It's well appreciated and the reassurance is needed very much at this time.