Is it all my fault?

[superwholock24]

I posted here a month and a bit ago, and I thought I was beginning to cope, but working with my ex presents its own unique problems. We were together for nearly 2 years and have been broken up for 4 months.

 

The other day he was talking to a coworker behind me about what he had done over Christmas and New Year, playing with his niece and nephews etc, which I also used to do. We had no contact over this period, not even to wish each other Merry Christmas or Happy New Year. We haven't had contact outside of work for a month now, since he told me he was being set up on a date.

 

Hearing all about his life that I'm not involved anymore killed me, and i got upset at work, although i tried to hide this. I ended up asking if he had 5 minutes after work to talk, and he said that was no problem.

 

After work (just in the car park), he asked if I wanted a lift home, which I said no thanks to. I told him it had been very hard hearing about his life earlier that day, and he apologised and said he hadn't meant to make me hear about it on purpose. I ended up pouring my heart out to him, saying that I felt he had thrown what we had away so easily and had just moved on without a care in the world (really, after the breakup he said he 'just wasn't thinking about us' and thought about me 'very little'). His emotions about anything in life seem to be either indifference, the vast majority of the time, or occasionally, anger. This is not something I want in a partner and I do recognise that.

 

He also said he had had 3 dates with this new girl, but wasn't interested in a relationship right now. It all seems very casual and they just see each other when they have time, and apparently don't message / text each other much. But he's moved on and this kills me.

 

In any case, I feel like the failure of our relationship was nearly all my fault. If I wasn't so insecure, if I wasn't so clingy or needy, if I didn't need reassurance all the time. I didn't like the amount of time he spent on other activities and hobbies, and felt unloved because he wasn't good atsaying or showing how he felt. He was at the start, and I felt so secure, but it changed over time. When I asked him about this, he said that this was just how he was, and so I feel that I fell for someone different at the start. He says that my constantly telling him he didn't say or show me he loved me enough made him feel like he wasn't good enough, and I feel awful about that. But I felt unloved and it was hard

 

The final straw in our relationship was that I looked at his messages on his phone, and found one from his friend saying she was sorry he was in such an unhappy relationship. I was devastated as although I knew we had problems I didn't think it was that bad. I confronted him about it, and basically he said he couldn't trust me if I was going to look at his messages and didnt want to try and regain the trust because we had too many problems. He never explained the message really.

 

Everyone at work thinks he's the nicest guy in the world, and most of the time he is but when he got angry it was horrible and he would take days to come round he was only my second boyfriend, but we had talked about marriage, kids, and were a month or so away from living together and I feel like I've ruined something that could have been amazing.

 

Is this all my fault?

Edited January 4, 2014 by superwholock24
Wording

[d0nnivain]

If his behavior changed, why was this break up your fault? He's the one who changed.

 

 

If you are clingy & insecure in relationships, you could benefit from boosting your own self esteem.

 

 

Break-ups are rarely the sole fault of one person.

 

 

You describe some of his behavior as "horrible" which is also on him. He was telling his friends that your relationship was "bad" before you looked in his phone. When you read his messages, that betrayal of trust was simply the straw that broke the camel's back & the stated reason but not the cause of your break up.

 

 

The fact that he talks to you & offered you a ride home means that he is a good person (non jerk) but the fact that he has already moved on & is dating someone else shows he was emotionally absent from your relationship long before it was official over. That means it wasn't only your fault. He checked out.

[superwholock24]

Thanks for your reply, d0nnivain.

 

I really feel his behaviour did change. At the start, he was romantic, affectionate, interested in frequent sex and exploring new things, and just being with me in general.

 

But not long after, maybe 6 months down the line and definitely towards the end of the relationship, he stated that he wasn't an affectionate or emotional person, and my wishes for him to change were useless because that was 'just who he was'. But it was difficult for me to accept because he had shown me different at the beginning.

 

I think I felt him checking out and so I became more insecure. I was so scared that it was going wrong when that was exactly what was happening. He told me after we broke up that he has never had his heart broken, but he has been in 4 or 5 relationships. I think he is emotionally, I don't know, a bit numb?

 

He's not a jerk, and generally is a good person. But he doesn't communicate things well and various other things that I found difficult. And I guess another good person is hopefully not too hard to find, but I am frightened that I won't be able to find someone as good / better.

 

And although he checked out, again I'm worried that it was my behaviour that made him do that, but I never meant for that to happen

[Reels]

He changed for bad, his fault, not yours.

 

Now if you are going to believe that "he's best ever" then you would end up rejecting everything which is better than such a characterless, sloppy and horrible person who you loved.

[d0nnivain]

If he checked out & then you became insecure, your behavior didn't help but it didn't cause the problem.

 

 

The reason I pointed out that he isn't a complete jerk -- & I was happy to see that you agree -- was to highlight the fact that you have the ability to pick good partners so don't get down on yourself.

[superwholock24]

Thanks both - I don't know about my ability to pick good partners really, I've only had two and the first one wasn't good at all - he cheated on me. I feel like my last boyfriend was just so amazing I couldn't help but fall for him. He found me.

 

He was characterless I suppose - and more than once I've found myself thinking he was boring. Even though we could have laughs and enjoy ourselves. But he was kind, didn't go out drinking, didn't look at other women, seemed like he would be a good husband / father.

 

I don't know which one came first really, him pulling away or me being insecure - I think maybe the high of our initial time together started to fade, and I brought insecurities from my previous relationship to this one (one of the reasons I'm going to be by myself for a while, and work on my self esteem as suggested before). He wanted to end it at various points throughout our time together, because of arguing and my insecurities, but I always convinced him to stay.

 

I think after trying to carry on, at one point he must have just decided to check out of the relationship. He acknowledges we had good times, but has cited various reasons why he doesn't wish to try again. The difference in our attitudes to life (him positive, me negative), he likes to be more active than me, my insecurities, etc etc.

 

I'm just terrified that we, if I hadn't been insecure, and had been happy with what we had instead of wanting more all the time, could have gone the whole way. But I suppose some part of me might have felt I was settling?