Analyze me

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for your response...the I'm staying for the kids really has no merit with me...I do not believe it and I've read enough to know its not even the "healthy" thing to do for anyone involved

 

We are almost at a year and I've had enough. I really have. I just am having a hard time getting the words out and actually doing it while everything else about us feels so right. Ftr, i do realize how messed up that sounds

 

It doesn't sound messed up. No breakup is easy. But eventually you have to allow your head to outweigh your emotions.

 

You're certainly right about the kids. My parents stayed together for the kids. They were a horrible example of a marriage. They did me no favors and now I get to carry the blame for them staying miserable? No thanks. Waiting until they are older also makes no sense because there's clear data to show that younger children handle a divorce better than older kids. It's certainly true in my scenario. If he wants to do right by his kids, the answers are to either fix his marriage or leave it. The last thing you do if you care about your kids is have a long-term affair and plan to end your marriage later. But that's how serial cheaters are born. Next thing you know, he'll have another OW that is more amicable with the arrangement because it's those early validating days for her.

[MissBee]

So something interesting happened last night and I'd really like some feedback

 

I posted before about going NC but that let's about a week until I caved. Since then he's been more attentive than ever and actually suggesting dates in our home town (sooo dangerous) and asking again about vacations, talking more about when he leaves and us living together...he's even detailed to me what he wants our wedding day to look like and how he is excited by the possibility of proposing properly as with his W he was young and their families pretty much orchestrated the whole thing (European culture). He has always been loving and consistent...there are no restrictions on when we talk but I feel like he's really upped the ante..almost like he's trying to prove to me that he's serious about me.

 

Anyways, last night I saw him and I felt...nothing. Like numb. He was being loving and romantic (verbally and physically) and it almost irritated me. He asked me what was wrong and stated he felt like I was pulling away but I brushed it off as being tired until I really started to think about it...

 

Is this normal? Is it me getting fed up? I mean I've been thinking a lot and at this point he's just a lot of talk and no action. Did anyone ever feel like this?

 

I can relate to this with an ex of mine. It wasn't an affair but it was a rollercoaster relationship with the same ups and downs, push and pull, uncertainty, not totally what I needed. We were on a "break" but sort of still in a relationship and he was always breaking promises, always leaving me hanging, I wanted it to work so I was sticking it out etc. The last I saw him was in 2010 and I remember he asked me to go out with him so we could talk. I agreed and normally when we would meet up I would be sooo happy and thought he was so attractive and I found it hard to resist him, this time it was like all the scales fell off. He picked me up and all I could think was: that shirt doesn't match with those shoes, I think he has food in his teeth. We get in the car and he's playing "our song" and he's being sweet but I'm just almost repulsed. We go to this park, which is really romantic and has bridges, waterfalls, ponds etc and normally I enjoyed being there with him, but this time: as he was talking I was just numb. At the end of it all normally I would restrain myself from kissing him or I would give in, this time I felt no such desire and told him bye and never saw him again. This man I was sooooo into and doing this back and forth mess with and crying over, after that day, when maybe a week before I was so into him, I have not seen since 2010.

 

I was done. It was a long time coming, I don't know what made the difference. Just being tired? A switch flipping? I don't know...but it was like a switch was flipped and I lost all my feelings for him and literally never saw him again. I never messaged him again, I think he may have messaged me and I may have responded, but shortly after I was just completely over it. It reminded me of the song about when a woman's fed up. I think that was just it. My fuse was completely burnt out and I no longer felt anything for him after going through all of that.

Edited January 4, 2014 by MissBee

[Ginger_Belle]

Nothisgirl,

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. When there is still love in the relationship, especially when it is on both sides, it is almost impossible to walk away. Im not an expert, but it seems like this is because it gives you hope that if there is still love, there is still a chance that you two will make it.

 

This is the first time that my MM and I have broken up, and it is still very early days for me. I'm trying to stay strong but it is already hard bc I am still so in love with him. But if truth be told the main thing keeping me from breaking NC is that for me one of the worst feelings in the world is thinking you have a chance, when you really, really don't. But my MM was honest that he would never be able to leave his children, so I guess it was easier for me to cut ties bc I wasnt given any false hope to cling to.

 

So I wouldn't be hard on yourself for breaking NC. It is truly a difficult thing to do. And you should be proud of yourself for all the steps you have already taken towards NC - bc taking even one step away from the person you love, shows that you have immeasurable strength within you.

 

Stay strong, and remember you deserve better. Hugs to you.

[spiderowl]

Maybe it's all starting to sound a little hollow to you now. I mean, if he meant all this stuff, why hasn't he left his wife already? I have heard that some guys do this, future faking. I don't know if this is the case here.

 

Generally, I think if one suffers enough pain in a situation that eventually, the pain overcomes the pleasure and we get turned off and don't want to go back to it. Maybe that has happened to you.

[Quiet Storm]

His "ok you want me to tell her now" is a guilt trip. It's manipulative.

 

He knows you care about him and don't want to cause him stress, so he plays on your sympathy.

 

You are supposed to sacrifice forever yet he can't do anything remotely stressful. It's all about his comfort.

[sunburned]

Last time I replied to one of your posts, you got a little huffy with me, so I will try to be more diplomatic. But I'm really bad at walking on eggshells. Keep in mind, I had an A too so I'm not casting stones. It's always easier to see where someone else is going wrong. So here goes --

 

Your posts (plural, not just this one) are full of bravado about how you won't be his bandaid, you won't wait around, you won't be second, etc. But you are already all doing all those things and have been for nearly a year! Based on what you've said (and obviously none of us can be privy to the entirety of another poster's situation), you have likely hooked up with a classic future faker. I must acknowledge the entire sum of my knowledge on FF was accumulated on LS as this was not part of my own A. But you have detailed a lot of sweet talk and zero action.

 

Furthermore, you proudly state you let him know you wouldn't hold his hand through a D. In his mind, that's probably laughable because you're already holding his hand (and then some) and he hasn't even had to initiate a D.

 

But, really, I vomited a little in my mouth when I read that he said to you "ok, baby, do you want me to go home and tell her right now?" Ewww. That made my skin crawl. Disrespectful!!

 

I get the impression you have fallen victim to another classic A symptom too. It's very likely you don't love him, you love how he makes you feel. And that little cringe you got two nights ago was your "rational mind" struggling to be heard. The emotional connection, the validation, the exquisite sex are all great. Nothing engages you (general you) in life like an affair. As another poster said, it's like going from gray scale to technicolor. The good news is you are single and can find all of that and so much more with an appropriate partner.

 

You don't trust him. You said so yourself. You stated your own marriage ended because of your xH's infidelity. Hello?!?! Think about the role you are playing in hurting his W and kids. Plus, I would think any man you marry would already have a high hurdle to clear, simply because of what you went through in your M. Why on earth would you want start over again with a proven cheater? You will feel so much better when you end this. Deep down you seem like a strong confident woman who would not get "roped in" by a sweet "good morning, i love you" text. Those are a dime a dozen (i know because i had a lot of them : ).

 

You only gave NC a week. It is one of the most painful things I've ever gone through and continue to go through. Honestly, it still hurts but it does get easier. You are already having doubts, so give NC at least 3 months to gain some perspective. Bonus: you will get some "feel good" points just from knowing you are doing the right thing. And if you absolutely cannot give up all hope, just tell him he knows where to find you after the divorce is final.

[Nothisgirl]

Last time I replied to one of your posts, you got a little huffy with me, so I will try to be more diplomatic. But I'm really bad at walking on eggshells. Keep in mind, I had an A too so I'm not casting stones. It's always easier to see where someone else is going wrong. So here goes --

 

Your posts (plural, not just this one) are full of bravado about how you won't be his bandaid, you won't wait around, you won't be second, etc. But you are already all doing all those things and have been for nearly a year! Based on what you've said (and obviously none of us can be privy to the entirety of another poster's situation), you have likely hooked up with a classic future faker. I must acknowledge the entire sum of my knowledge on FF was accumulated on LS as this was not part of my own A. But you have detailed a lot of sweet talk and zero action.

 

Furthermore, you proudly state you let him know you wouldn't hold his hand through a D. In his mind, that's probably laughable because you're already holding his hand (and then some) and he hasn't even had to initiate a D.

 

But, really, I vomited a little in my mouth when I read that he said to you "ok, baby, do you want me to go home and tell her right now?" Ewww. That made my skin crawl. Disrespectful!!

 

I get the impression you have fallen victim to another classic A symptom too. It's very likely you don't love him, you love how he makes you feel. And that little cringe you got two nights ago was your "rational mind" struggling to be heard. The emotional connection, the validation, the exquisite sex are all great. Nothing engages you (general you) in life like an affair. As another poster said, it's like going from gray scale to technicolor. The good news is you are single and can find all of that and so much more with an appropriate partner.

 

You don't trust him. You said so yourself. You stated your own marriage ended because of your xH's infidelity. Hello?!?! Think about the role you are playing in hurting his W and kids. Plus, I would think any man you marry would already have a high hurdle to clear, simply because of what you went through in your M. Why on earth would you want start over again with a proven cheater? You will feel so much better when you end this. Deep down you seem like a strong confident woman who would not get "roped in" by a sweet "good morning, i love you" text. Those are a dime a dozen (i know because i had a lot of them : ).

 

You only gave NC a week. It is one of the most painful things I've ever gone through and continue to go through. Honestly, it still hurts but it does get easier. You are already having doubts, so give NC at least 3 months to gain some perspective. Bonus: you will get some "feel good" points just from knowing you are doing the right thing. And if you absolutely cannot give up all hope, just tell him he knows where to find you after the divorce is final.

 

Ty for the response...I read it through more than once and you're 100% right in what true saying. And I appreciate the not waking on eggshells.

 

My biggest regret in all of this is not that ill be hurt, or that he will be hurt its knowing that I've become the type of woman I couldn't stand. That I potentially contributing the break up of a family was there cracks before me? Yes absolutely but I recognixpze that's not the point and that's it's still it my place to make those crack bigger.

 

I am much much stronger than this and I think that's partially what's got me stumped about how to end it..because I'm not even entirely sure how or why I allowed myself to be involved with him.

 

Another post I read on here today made me think mich the same as you just did...here I am upset about him doing a lot of talk with no action however

By staying in this A after already coming to the conclusion I need to get out I'm doing the EXACT.SAME.THING. :/

 

You've hot me thinking about the "in love" with him or with what he represents statement..and you know..it FEELS like I'm in love with him but what's been happening lately is that I will feel that way and then ill realize all of the things ppl dating for a yr or so start to do (introducing to families, vacations, time spent with friends) and I realize we are no where close to doing those things and I sit back and wonder how that could possibly be love...which I suppose is why I ended up feeling the way I did the other night..and what led me to make this thread.

 

Every time I've tried to end it in person he cries, I cry, my heart breaks and I chicken out. I feel like I owe him that over just an email but idk where to find the strength or wth to say to make him know I am serious.

 

 

My apologies if this is all over the place. I am exhausted and mentally drained

Thanks again for taking the time to respond

[scatterd]

I find it almost laughable that your MM would say go with me to tell the wife. He does not have any intention of him or you both you telling her. He knows you will not go with him to tell. I would love to see his reaction if you called him on it. He would not get close enough to the house for her to see him with you. I wold say fine lets do it then I will take you to a motel and we can go from there. Show him that his words mean nothing without action. Do you really want a cheater for another cheater? You are worth more then this and when you come to love your self more then letting a man do this to you that will be when you find someone that will give you his all. I believe its easy to fall for the same type of person and after you have been treated wrong your confidence is down. In order to fix the problem we need to find out why we allow this and learn to love our selfs and know our worth.I hope you will find happiness and someone honorable.

[SoleMate]

I have never figured out how to demand [honesty and fairness] from someone .....I think being with mm makes that comfortable because I know he can't "cheat" on me or "leave" me because he's not "mine"....

 

THIS is a very important insight! You have been wounded by past cheating in your now-ended marriage. I see your A as a misguided attempt at self-protection against the pain of cheating. There may be a lobe or two of your brain where that makes sense, but overall it's irrational, as you've now realized. The A (and the lies and deception and damage and guilt) will eventually cause you as much or more pain than your ex-H's cheating did. Maybe even worse, as this A pain will be primarily self-inflicted.

 

I recommend you print out this thread and take it straight to a counselor to work on your self-esteem, healing from your ex-H's affair, learning to trust, and r/s skills. Also cognitive behavioral therapy. You have been badly hurt; now you need to get help and start healing yourself the right way.

[Nothisgirl]

THIS is a very important insight! You have been wounded by past cheating in your now-ended marriage. I see your A as a misguided attempt at self-protection against the pain of cheating. There may be a lobe or two of your brain where that makes sense, but overall it's irrational, as you've now realized. The A (and the lies and deception and damage and guilt) will eventually cause you as much or more pain than your ex-H's cheating did. Maybe even worse, as this A pain will be primarily self-inflicted.

 

I recommend you print out this thread and take it straight to a counselor to work on your self-esteem, healing from your ex-H's affair, learning to trust, and r/s skills. Also cognitive behavioral therapy. You have been badly hurt; now you need to get help and start healing yourself the right way.

 

 

I already knew it needed to be done but Ty for the push. Called this morning and got a referral to a IC Centre and they are calling back today with an appointment time

 

I've been pulling away from mm the past few days, either he hasn't noticed or just hasn't said anything yet. I feel very torn right now and know I need to break free completely.