Medgirl Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Hi, I'm really struggling. After a relationship full of turmoil, heartbreak, and manipulation I finally mustered up the guts to dump my boyfriend once and for all. It was very scarey and difficult for me. I broke up with him in August, but couldn't get the guts to tell him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. One night, after getting out of my anatomy class, I found a note on my car. It read "You have a secret admirer. PS not Chris". My boyfriend's name was Kris. I threw away the note because I thought it was a joke. When I got home Kris came over to visit. He acted really unusual. I didn't dare tell him about the note because he has a tendency to be very possessive and it made him angry. He acted agitated and made statements like "You seem really happy". He finally fessed up to writing the note and said it was just a joke, but he was angry that I didn't tell him about it. I was pretty upset about this and told him that I had to do homework so he would leave me alone. I called my friend Cameron because I was pretty upset and didn't know what to do. I wanted to get away from Kris so bad but I was such a chicken. Cameron asked me if I wanted to go for a drive, so I agreed, but only for about 15 min. When we returned back to my apartment Kris was waiting for me. My roommate didn't know what was going on and had let him in. He was so angry at me. He was slamming doors and yelling at me. Then, when I walked in my room I found a picture of us, that he had taken out of my frame, torn to pieces on my bed with a note that called me a "****ing liar". I was so upset I freaked out. I told him that I wanted him out of my life. I told him to go away, but he didn't. After that night, I struggled with him. I constantly had to tell him that I didn't want to be friends or talk to him, but I made the mistake of answering his calls. I finally told him I wasn't going to answer his calls anymore, because he was driving me crazy. I didn't answer his calls or his text messages anymore. Then, one night, he came over. It was dark so I couldn't see outside. I answered the door and it was him. All I could do was shake my head "no". I asked him why he came over here. I asked him why he would want to talk to someone that didn't want to talk to him. He persisted that I answer one of his questions. He asked me why I didn't want to be friends. I didn't answer him because I knew it was just another one of his manipulation tactics. He was asking one of those questions that made me really uncomfortable beacuse he knew I didn't want to tell him the answer because he'd get angry. I finally told him that I was going to put a restraining order on him if he didn't leave me alone. Unfortunately, after that he still didn't leave me alone. He'd call and leave little messages like "sorry, I got the wrong number". Finally, one night he flipped out. I decided to put the restraining order on him. I didn't answer any of his calls or messages. He called and messaged me for 3 days straight. He would beg me to talk to him and tell me that ignoring him was making him worse (he had depression). He would also appologize each day and beg me not to put the restraining order on him. Then, he was finally served the restraining order. However, I got word about a month ago that he wants to contest the restraining order. Luckly, I saved all his text messages and voicemails. The court date is in 2 days! I have recently found out that he was like this to his exgirlfriend and she tried to put a restraining order on him too. Only, in her case, he ended up kicking down her door and assaulting her brother before hand. I'm pretty confident that I'll win the case, but I'm SCARED TO DEATH and I find myself left with some issues from the relationship. I'm really freaked out that I was so ... easily manipulated and such a chicken! I don't know what I was thinking! I'm left often reliving memories and wondering why I even stayed with him so long. I feel like the past year was a dream! I also found out recently that he has a new girlfriend and that really freaks me out too! I just want him to go away!!!! Has anyone had an experiance like this? Will I heal with time or what? I appreciate your replies.
Groovy Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I was in love with a guy who verbally put me down, lied to me and refused to leave me alone when didn't want to have sex but that's my worst. I am the kind of girl who usually had the best and tight friendships full of care and respect all the way through. Fortunately it is over and long gone for us. I still know him and he got someone pregnant who refused to marry him and she is raising a kid alone. So be glad you ended it when your still free to get away. My brother gets involved in abusive relationships and hits women, steals from them. He's come close to murdering someone with a handgun and got 10 years. Unlike you, I could not get away from my brother sometimes and would get hit. At one point time even sent to a hospital because he partially ripped a ligament in my arm. I was sent to boarding school, which helped a little. And sometimes he would say he would kill me. My dad and other 2 brothers are the coolest guy in the world who treat women like the queen so I don't know what happened to my brother. I blame it on mental illness. But I will say, even I love him despite the ugly face he wears. I bring it all up because this guy also wears an ugly face. You remember the times he shared with you in ways that felt good, caring and loving. You don't see the raving lunatic full of anger and pain the way a stranger of outside friend did. You saw someone in the beginning who was probably quite wonderful and you may even believe loves you and he might. He may have some things in him that you really loved about him. Some men do terrible things they later regret but it doesn't mean it won't be repeating itself. I can tell you after a lot of prison, counseling and self hate my brother has not stopped. You made the right choice, do not look back...he sounds too much like my brother. I wish women would lay down the line more like you. I've learned too. If he acted this way how will he be if something really does go wrong, like a friend of his did actually hit on you? Or a guy who doesn't know your taken asks you out? He sounds like someone who will question and threaten when your out late at night and the longer you stayed with him the higher the walls will rise to get out. I can almost guarantee this is the kind of guy who will one day put his hands on you in ways hard to recover from. Maybe he is a good person, who is manic depressive or what not, but you cannot live in the pain he creates. Just do what you can do to get out, hold your head high and let it fade out.
Craig Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Many survivors of abuse share your thoughts, feelings and experiences. Your own healing (and personal growth) can be accelerated by getting in contact with a local domestic violence center. There you can find counsellors that may surprise you with the depth of their knowledge regarding your situation and what you are feeling/experiencing. You may also find support, strenth and peace by joining in group therapy sessions with other survivors. Things will get better with time but you may not experience near complete healing for some time. It's fairly common for survivors of abuse to re-experience the old feelings in other completely safe situations when certain trigger events occur. Every survivor has their own unique triggers. When it happens just remember to think about what you are feeling and how it is related to your past experience with your ex and not necessarily a sign of current abuse. Never give in to the abuser, he has a serious problem that demands serious, but legal, action. You are doing the right thing in getting the restraining order and should he violate it please take immediate action by calling the police. In case you were wondering I am a survivor of domestic violence and abuse, have been in counselling for nearly a year now and am one of the many men that don't retaliate in kind when faced with an abusive wife.
RowanRavyn Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Good Advise, guys. One day you won't be a victim anymore. You will be survivors. Peace and Blessings
JoL Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Yes, ive been through a similar situation to you too. It didnt end in him coming to my house (my parents HATE him and would have called the cops on him), but he did send me threatening messages, phone me constantly and such...It will take a long time for you to get your head around it trust me, it has for me. I still ask myself why did i stay with such a nasty, crazy person? Believe me ..you were abused.
Huntr777 Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Good morning all, I have a friend who went through the same thing recently. About 2 years ago she moved to be with this guy she said she was totally in love with. We used to talk a couple of times every week, after she moved...nothing. We both have a mutual friend who told me that this guy was abusing her big time, but she still stayed with him. It got so bad she actually tried killing herself. She went to the hospital, then came back home. She called me and said how she missed my friendship etc. Then a few weeks later goes back to be with this guy again! At that point, I just wrote her out of my life, because I couldn't stand by and watch her to these things to herself. Then last month, after not talking to this friend for almost 2 years, she calls me out of the blue. She's back home for good, she left this guy for good. He's moving down south and she's staying here. I hope she doesn't go back to this guy, and hopefully she stays true to her word. She told me that in looking back she can't believe how she stayed with him for so long. She kept on thinking that it would work out with him, and it would just get worse. She told me that being with him was like a drug...and she was addicted to him. Speaking of drugs, she was taking Lithium to calm her nerves from being with this guy. OK, now if you have to take drugs to be with somebody...then that should tell you something. What I'm trying to tell you is that YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Don't feel bad, you did what's right for you. His new girlfriend will find that out in due time. You are not alone either, you have more people who will support you than you'll ever know. (And that includes the people on this site) I know it's tough, but don't be scared. Just remember to stay tough and go on with you life and you will end up the winner. Hunter
fallenheart45 Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Damn..i'm sorry to hear that...PM to explain more..I"m kind of lost
shygurl Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by fallenheart45 Damn..i'm sorry to hear that...PM to explain more..I"m kind of lost You must be lost, to have responded to such a very old post (note the date of the original poster's post).
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