wolfman88 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Ok so this is a complex one. I'll try to keep it brief and please ask if you wish me to elaborate on anything. I'm 25 yrs old and have been in a relationship for nearly 5 years, having lived with my partner for 3+ years. We sometimes argue about little things but overall I'd say it's a strong relationship. We currently live in a small and quiet town close to our families where we grew up. My partner has been running a business for 1.5 years which is starting to turn a profit. 6 months ago I completed a 2 year masters degree achieving top grades. I immediately found work through a combination of networking and good fortune. The problem is my workplace is 1.5-2 hrs commute each way (at the least...) Recently the commute has really got to me: frequent delays which leave me waiting in the cold for an extra hour, combined with unpaid overtime which unfortunately seems to be the norm in my profession. I often get home after 9pm with only time enough to eat dinner and get ready for the following day. I'm often distant or in a bad mood which is obviously impacting on my relationship. I have no energy and very little time for exercise so my health has begun to deteriorate. Almost all my friends have moved away and it seems the only thing keeping me here is my partner who cannot realistically relocate for a couple of years. I don't want this to come across as self absorbed crap, and I have had treatment for depression and anxiety in the past which doesn't help in making major life decisions. But I'm hoping someone can help me gain a perspective on things as I feel lost, fatigued, and despite living with my partner, extremely isolated. I've considered a plan to move to London for the career opportunities, friends and extra-curricular activities. London is only 2hrs from my current residence so it would mean only seeing my partner at the weekend. She is upset but supportive of the idea. I know London will also be super hectic, but it seems like there is a lot more to gain from my hard work. I feel the move will put a strain on the relationship, but surely it can only get worse if I stay? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I've been through some bad times but this is the first time I've felt truly hopeless. I know this may come across as selfish but I really want what's best for both of us. Thanks in advance.
justwhoiam Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 As my granny used to say: a family needs to be together as much as possible. Are you still in love with her? Or the constant time away, your unsatisfaction and probably depression got the best of you? I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and I'll tell you what I would do, assuming she's still very in love with you. I'd start interviewing to hire someone to take my place and run the business in my absence, and I'd go there once a week, to check things out (on random days with no warning). Then I'd start looking for a flat near where you work (of course this would be a joint activity). First by calling places that might match our needs (space, number of rooms, location, rent, etc.), then by visiting the better ones. If it's sustainable, I'd keep our current home, otherwise we'd plan something else about it. While living together where you work, I'd support you looking for a new job. I'm not sure if living in London or in the outskirts is the best option, I'd want to live in a nice area, suitable for a family and growing kids. But that would be best discussed and decided once you have a real contract in your hands, and knowing your new job location. When that becomes final, we can start looking for a new home. And probably sell out the property where we currently live, unless that house is rented and not our own. This way, we'd have less money. But we can be together and support each other and be there for one another. Also, less money would be wasted on traveling back and forth every day. And we'd have more time to go out now and then and time to spend together and make new friends.
Author wolfman88 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Thanks for your reply justwhoiam. You talk a lot of sense and I thank you for helping to put things in perspective. My partner works as a pet stylist and therefore at this stage the business really depends on her skill and expertise. She is trying to build a brand and has ambitions to expand and open salons in other locations but she feels this won't be possible for a couple of years at least. Eventually she would like to just manage the salons but right now I think she'd be putting too much at risk if she hired someone else to do the work. Eventually I'd like to live somewhere nice and quiet but I feel at this early stage in my career I am limiting my potential by being somewhere so isolated. We don't really want to start a family within the next 5-7 years so it seems like now is the best time to do this. Even if it doesn't work out i'll never regret trying, right? It just seems the way things are going at the moment I have very little time and energy to contribute to the relationship as it is, and even though we see each other every day, the only quality time we have together is the weekends as it is.
justwhoiam Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You both seem more interested in your respective jobs than in making the relationship work. I'm not sure where this will take you, probably it's a recipe for growing apart, with all the risks involved. And that opens door to new people, even sexually. You need to be aware of that. Regarding you wanting kids in 7 years... I'm not sure how old you both are. But nature doesn't follow your pace, you need to follow its pace. A friend of mine said she didn't want kids right away... things came around along the way. She's 38 now and no kids. And she probably won't have any, unless she starts artificial insemination, which is an ordeal of its own. Probably more for men than for women.
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