freebird31 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I hate the way that you broke up with me...If things were going to end between us, i feel like i deserved enough to be told the truth. I dont know what the real reasonis why you even broke up with me. You said you were stressed out, then said you did not want a relationship with me. Were you confused? I wish you could have at least been honest...thats it... I had asked for my space from you so that I could heal, and time after time, you selfishly thought of yourself and contacted me anyway. Again, if you were confused about what you were feeling, i wish you would have just said so... You told me you were still attracted to me...why did you say this? I am left with no answers....and i have to move on...but it seems as if you wanted to let me go, but did not want me to move on at the same time. You always contradicted yourself. You did not want a relationship but you still were attracted and had love for me. You broke up with me, but still tried contacting me...It was I that had to tell you that you need to learn to let me go...I had to be the one to step...is that why you treated me so hurtfully the last time we talked that night on the phone. I just wish that you had been honest with me, and if you were confused or did not have the answers yourself, i wish we could have just had this conversation that clarified everything. I still feel in my heart that you care so deeply for me. Am i in denial? I dont know. I dont know, but if you really cared...you would have just let me go...or gave me the closure...you have me waiting for you....I wish you did not tell me that you still had love for me....im so confused still even after all these months. Do you even care that I am.....if you really did, you would have let me move on...or maybe the break up was just as hard, or confusing for you which is why you might have felt hurt too when i told you to let me go?.....i dont understand you at all til' this day. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Ouch. You need a big hug. Sounds like your ex is a bad communicator, and doesn't like dealing with emotions, let alone yours. He is acting selfish by treating you poorly and it's also a mean thing to do someone. He is broken inside, messed up and right now you may not see it, but soon you will, you're better off without him and this is his loss, not yours. Trying to figure out the whys and hows of this will drive you crazy. Keep venting though, get it out of your system! Look at the site baggage reclaim, there are tons of articles and blogs about what you're going through, hopefully that can help you along your healing path. In the meantime, take care of you - Be good to yourself. Go out with your woman friends and really try your best to laugh and let go, forget for a little while about your pain and the 'jerk off'. Allow yourself to wallow in it and cry, grieve but do make time to get busy so he won't be in your head all the time. 1
ayudorama Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Sounds like your ex is a bad communicator, and doesn't like dealing with emotions, let alone yours. He is acting selfish by treating you poorly and it's also a mean thing to do. I second whichwayisup's comment. And I can relate to the way you feel about having to heal from a bad break-up. That's exactly what messes us up inside, not the fact that our ex wanted to end the relationship, but how our ex went about doing it. It is much akin to choosing to drop a vase from a twenty storey building as opposed to a two-storey one. The height of fall being a product of choice alone. They chose the more painful way to end things. It doesn't have to be that way. I too had many questions, like you. But many months later, I told myself it is completely alright not to have the answers to them. The vase has already shattered into a million pieces and strewn across multiple places. The damage has been done and no amount of answers will ever placate the pain. It's okay not to have the answers And I believe the human being is innately made selfish. Some people are not inherently bad, they just make horrible choices, without paying attention to anyone else's feelings but their own. Again, it's okay. Give yourself some time. Try not to store your grief away. I have always been a believer of facing emotions head-on. Understand why you feel that way, and feel it completely. All the while keep moving forward. Take the focus away from him and put it back on yourself. When your mind dwindles towards him, bring it back to yourself. You'll be okay 1
2fargone Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (Hug) Nothing else that will help comes to mind...
Author freebird31 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Ouch. You need a big hug. Sounds like your ex is a bad communicator, and doesn't like dealing with emotions, let alone yours. He is acting selfish by treating you poorly and it's also a mean thing to do someone. He is broken inside, messed up and right now you may not see it, but soon you will, you're better off without him and this is his loss, not yours. Trying to figure out the whys and hows of this will drive you crazy. Keep venting though, get it out of your system! Look at the site baggage reclaim, there are tons of articles and blogs about what you're going through, hopefully that can help you along your healing path. In the meantime, take care of you - Be good to yourself. Go out with your woman friends and really try your best to laugh and let go, forget for a little while about your pain and the 'jerk off'. Allow yourself to wallow in it and cry, grieve but do make time to get busy so he won't be in your head all the time. You're quite right...he always had a little trouble telling me his feelings. We actually had a talk about this a couple of times. He never told me how he felt about me. I was unsure if he even still felt anything or if he just had a hard time expressing these emotions. That was something we were working on...but of course the relationship did not even reach that far..I asked him after we broke up if he had feelings for me and he said "I feel a little something. I miss you sometimes and I miss our talks." He was always so vague. I don't know if it was because he did not feel deep feelings or he just had a hard time saying it out loud. Then for the first time 5 months after the BU, he told me "I have love for you. I am still attracted to you." That's probably the biggest wow and most I got out of him....I'm still confused though. To be honest, no amount of self-evaluation will change the confusion that I have. I still feel and believe that he cares deeply for me. And that he was just confused and simply did not want to commit to a serious relationship..so he backed out. Idk. But thank you. I try to not dwell on the questions. But I'm just not over him. It's been so long many months past the break up, my feelings haven't changed. I am just waiting for some sort of miraculous event to happen that will help me to no longer suffer over this...I'm still waiting...
Author freebird31 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 I second whichwayisup's comment. And I can relate to the way you feel about having to heal from a bad break-up. That's exactly what messes us up inside, not the fact that our ex wanted to end the relationship, but how our ex went about doing it. It is much akin to choosing to drop a vase from a twenty storey building as opposed to a two-storey one. The height of fall being a product of choice alone. They chose the more painful way to end things. It doesn't have to be that way. I too had many questions, like you. But many months later, I told myself it is completely alright not to have the answers to them. The vase has already shattered into a million pieces and strewn across multiple places. The damage has been done and no amount of answers will ever placate the pain. It's okay not to have the answers And I believe the human being is innately made selfish. Some people are not inherently bad, they just make horrible choices, without paying attention to anyone else's feelings but their own. Again, it's okay. Give yourself some time. Try not to store your grief away. I have always been a believer of facing emotions head-on. Understand why you feel that way, and feel it completely. All the while keep moving forward. Take the focus away from him and put it back on yourself. When your mind dwindles towards him, bring it back to yourself. You'll be okay Thank you so much. Yes that's exactly it. Sometimes I think if things had ended better I might be in a better place...I'm not sure...most likely. My feelings will not have changed either way though. I'm sorry that you had a bad break up as well. It's not fun to look back on Also you are right we are still human, we all make mistakes. It could have been me making those same mistakes. Although now, I'm quite aware and sure that I won't after this situation. But break ups are hard for both people. It's not easy breaking a bond you share with someone ...when is anyone really ready to let it all go...I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Because in the end like you have said, we are all human. I know his behaviors and choices were selfish. I don't think he intentionally contacted me with the thought of "oh let's hurt her today and make her feel pain." I highly doubt it. But yes, he could have put himself in my shoes....but that's kid of hard todo. Sometimes you can't fully understand what someone feels until you feel it yourself. But I did feel disrespected..I mean I forgive him now finally. It's all just lessons learned for the both of us.
Disco Lemonade Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Have you tried seeing anyone else since the breakup? It can be hard, especially if you don't feel like you can be fair to the other person, but it really can help to shift your thoughts onto someone else. If I find myself being emotionally unavailable with a new person, I try to just remind myself that it is a GOOD thing that she is different than my ex. It is going to be a different relationship, because she is a different person. It could be a new adventure, and a better one than the one I don't want to let go of. Easier to say than do, I know, but it is good to remind yourself of that all the same. 1
Author freebird31 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Have you tried seeing anyone else since the breakup? It can be hard, especially if you don't feel like you can be fair to the other person, but it really can help to shift your thoughts onto someone else. If I find myself being emotionally unavailable with a new person, I try to just remind myself that it is a GOOD thing that she is different than my ex. It is going to be a different relationship, because she is a different person. It could be a new adventure, and a better one than the one I don't want to let go of. Easier to say than do, I know, but it is good to remind yourself of that all the same. I have not thought about seeing other people. A bit ago, I actually developed a small crush on a classmate, but all in all he was nothing like my ex ...I lost interest for some reason. I mean I was stoked that I even developed a crush..I thought it was progress. Now idk, is it crazy to say that I have actually made a time limit for how long I might wait for my ex. I know , I sound pathetic, maybe crazy..touch of delusional. But I just think my ex is worth it to me. We had a happy relationship. It was healthy. If he doesn't come around by summer, in a few more months, actually like 6, then I will move on. Idk. But I agree that if I want to get over my ex, I should start dating. Thing is...do I want to let him go? I'll wait if I have to. Just a little longer, but not forever.
margot13 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I feel for your situation. My partner seperated (I think!!) from me 4 months ago, also having contact sometimes and then disapearing, telling me he loved me etc etc etc, and this week told me he was suffering depression, which makes you push away the people you love. I have in these last days studied the effects of depression, and how to deal with it. Basically it comes down to the fact you can not help other people in their confusion and grief, the most important is first help yourself otherwise they take you into their pain. I forced myself to go out on a date this weekend, most of the time I felt I was cheating, but my life has to go on, I can't live in his pain and confusion if he pushes me away and won't talk properly. All I can do is accept it and continue. Point is, there are many reasons why our exes push us away, leave us. You need to keep working on you getting better, feeling the hurt as well.
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