Can a relationship form with a guy I'm not too much attracted to?

January 4, 2014

Well though I've never been in a relationship yet and I'm 19 years old (out of choice), it's been nearly 1 month since going on a date with this guy I'm not too much attracted to and at times there is some silence, in which I have to initiate the conversation.

I admit I'm scared of getting hurt or cheated on like some of my female family members had experienced. I think part of the reason is because their man tend to be great in looks and somewhat of an extrovert, the total opposite from the guy I'm dating. My uncle had an long-term affair and it really devastated the family. I really don't want the same thing happening to me and that's part of the reason I haven't lost my virginity yet; also the reason I kept rejecting guys that asked me out or hit on me. I've seen 2 of my friends getting cheated on that it really scares me.

Even my friends and other members noticed he isn't too good in looks either and is really a 4-6 on it. In addition to that he does seems to have mild acne and wears braces. I'm right now trying my best overlook the physical aspect because I do like the fact that he's actually smart and isn't pushing for sex nor any other deep moves (all we've done is kiss a couple of time and walking holding hands). I've introduced him to my family but it was me doing most of the talking; he hardly said anything and didn't seem like he's used to seeing many people in social gathering. But I figure if I proceed towards starting a relationship with him, though he I'm not too much attracted to him and is taking me some effort to get him out of his shell, does this mean he'll be less likely to cheat on me or hurt me??

January 4, 2014

Also, my friends have already told me many times I can get better and how that guy I'm dating requires lots of patience on my part but I feel I can't. Right now I'm doing my best of protecting myself from players and getting hurt, burn or cheated on, even if that means going for an unattractive guy that makes no moves. Nowadays I feel more men cheat and sleep around.

I have to say they are right. This guy is taking a lot of work on my part. Things are processing and yes he does seems to slightly open up a bit more day by day but yes, he is lots of work.

I believe I don't really have any other option. I think we all want to protect ourselves at some point. But will I eventually find feel those sparks and see him physically attractive?

January 4, 2014

No no no no no just don't go there.

January 4, 2014

No no no no no just don't go there.

I know but it's hard finding decent guys that don't sleep around. I'm not going to open my heart nor give my virginity to any guy whose only good thing is looking good and talking too much. I've already seen those guys go from girl to girl in days.

I know my ideal guy would probably be one that is both attractive and has all the other qualites as this guy I'm dating and has strong values as well as sexual morals, doesn't sleep around and if he's a virgin, he won't treat it like a hot potatoe but will also wait for a meaningful relationship. Hard to find those types that have everything but also don't give in to sex easily and like waiting.

Ideal: great in looks, smart and a virgin waiting too or one that has only been in long-term relationship and doesn't believe in casual sex.

Reality: I don't think they exist. If it's like if a guy isn't lacking in looks nor other things, he doesn't have good sexual morals. From what I've heard guys that supposely are waiting aren't really waiting out of choice but maybe are the same as the one I'm dating. It would be great to find one that's really waiting out of choice because he is that way.

Edited January 4, 2014 by pearl_nc

January 4, 2014

Why force something that isn't there? Find someone you are attracted to.

January 4, 2014

Ideal: great in looks, smart and a virgin waiting too or one that has only been in long-term relationship and doesn't believe in casual sex.

Reality: I don't think they exist. If it's like if a guy isn't lacking in looks nor other things, he doesn't have good sexual morals. From what I've heard guys that supposely are waiting aren't really waiting out of choice but maybe are the same as the one I'm dating. It would be great to find one that's really waiting out of choice because he is that way.

Attracting women and navigating relationships require completely different skill sets. Men that are good at attracting women will have much opportunity to sleep around and most will take advantage of that. Those of us who are not good at attracting women have to cultivate our relationship skills -- interested women do not come around often so we have to make the most of what we can get. For example, I'm in my 40s and my lifetime number of first dates is 9 . . . but 6 of those turned into exclusive relationships.

Women like to think that a man can be both an adonis and a perfectly satisfying relationship partner, but I think those guys are VERY few and far between.

January 4, 2014

Why force something that isn't there?

I like to think that the attraction will eventually develop at some time. If not, then I guess I don't mind staying with him.

Find someone you are attracted to.

Only if he had great morals and is a 1-girl type guy but most already have been around the block by the time they're like 15 or 16. Unfortunately it's either one or the other: attractive but has already been with many girls or not attractive and slower than me in making moves but might value sex if and get attached afterward (esp if turns out he's also a virgin).

Yes, there was one time I've stumbled upon a better looking guy but he was a super religious fanatic, had too much rules on how a relationship should be like and kept preaching about god frequently, worst than a Christian girl. He hated atheists or those that didn't follow his beliefs and was very judgemental on other things too. Overall, he wasn't exactly a kind, open minded guy even though he was good in looks and waiting.

It's hard to find that attractive guy that is waiting for the right girl (just as I'm waiting for the decent guy) but without him being a total freak on religion. Seems like it's extremes I end up getting: 7-9 in looks players, 7-9 religious fanatics or 4-6 in looks possible virgins but I have to make lots of effort to get him to open up to me.

But I can't find just the perfect balance: 7-9 in looks, virgin and is waiting but isn't going overheard with religion, kind, non-judgmental, good family values

January 4, 2014

Women like to think that a man can be both an adonis and a perfectly satisfying relationship partner, but I think those guys are VERY few and far between.

I know, I'll never find the one I dream about, that's why I long gave up on the looks and having friends part. And if I find that one like I really thought I did once and he happens to be a virgin, he's going to end up being another religious fanatic, rude and judgemental man.

January 4, 2014

I think you've created a false dichotomy here OP. Thinking there are only two groups of men - hot ones with bad morals or ugly ones with good morals is just wrong.

The world is a gray area - I would venture to guess that there is a large contingent of slightly above average looking men, that have had a couple of monogamous relationships that are now single. Not players, but not virgins either. Somewhere in between - this is where you should be setting your sights...

January 4, 2014

I think you've created a false dichotomy here OP. Thinking there are only two groups of men - hot ones with bad morals or ugly ones with good morals is just wrong.

The world is a gray area - I would venture to guess that there is a large contingent of slightly above average looking men, that have had a couple of monogamous relationships that are now single. Not players, but not virgins either. Somewhere in between - this is where you should be setting your sights...

I've been trying to find that as well too but seem to keep bumping into those two extremes or the religious types. Or I guess the places I'm searching sucks.

What I'm thinking of doing now is keep dating this guy while looking for the balanced guy at the same time.

January 4, 2014

The short version of my advice is that you should find a man who is a balance of attractive and moral and reliable. This opinion is based on science and experience.

The pattern you have noticed is one that even scientist who research human sexuality have noticed. It is not savory and many will argue against it because it is not nice to think that we are so ruled by our instincts.

I think you've created a false dichotomy here OP. Thinking there are only two groups of men - hot ones with bad morals or ugly ones with good morals is just wrong..

This is not as false as you make it sound. Consider this OP..

When women are as young as you, or they are at the height of ovulation hormones kick in and change how they look at men. Your young friends opinions of what makes a good man reflect their own states of mind.

It may be that you are more mature than them, and are thinking long term about a man as a partner. Mature people aren't ruled by their hormones but think about the long term consequences of their choice of mate with a much clearer mind.

It may be that your friends are less mature, or thinking that you should just find a nice hot Mr. right now and be very careful not to have his babies.

That said, this is the science:

Women Like Cads for Sex, Dads for Mating

Researchers tested this evolutionary mating theory on a group of female undergraduates (OP notice this is about the reactions of women your age and the age of your friends) by using classic dad and cad prototypes drawn from British romance novels and asking them to pick which type they'd rather be with.

Not surprisingly, they found women's tendency to pick cads over dads increased as the length of the hypothetical relationship decreased.

"About 60% of the women said they would prefer to have sex with a cad when considering a brief affair," says researcher Daniel Kruger, a social psychologist at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research, in a news release.

....

Researchers say the findings show that the dad vs. cad distinction is intuitive to women, and when given only a brief character sketch, women seem to be able to make informed dating decisions.

Whats more is just how strongly someone can be fooled by hormones into thinking someone has good character because they are attractive at a given moment.

Ovulation leads women to perceive sexy ca... [J Pers Soc Psychol. 2012] - PubMed - NCBI

J Pers Soc Psychol. 2012 Aug;103(2):292-305. doi: 10.1037/a0028498. Epub 2012 May 14.

Ovulation leads women to perceive sexy cads as good dads.

Durante KM, Griskevicius V, Simpson JA, Cantú SM, Li NP.

Author information

College of Business, One UTSA Circle, The University of Texas at San Antonio, San Antonio, TX 78249, USA. [email protected]

Abstract

Why do some women pursue relationships with men who are attractive, dominant, and charming but who do not want to be in relationships--the prototypical sexy cad? Previous research shows that women have an increased desire for such men when they are ovulating, but it is unclear why ovulating women would think it is wise to pursue men who may be unfaithful and could desert them. Using both college-age and community-based samples, in 3 studies we show that ovulating women perceive charismatic and physically attractive men, but not reliable and nice men, as more committed partners and more devoted future fathers. Ovulating women perceive that sexy cads would be good fathers to their own children but not to the children of other women. This ovulatory-induced perceptual shift is driven by women who experienced early onset of puberty. Taken together, the current research identifies a novel proximate reason why ovulating women pursue relationships with sexy cads, complementing existing research that identifies the ultimate, evolutionary reasons for this behavior.

PMID: 22582900 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

What I mean for you to get out of this OP is....simply that you have recognized a pattern in your own true nature as a young woman. The question is will you be the master of that pattern, which science shows is ingrained in all women* or will you let your less reflective or less mature friends talk you into dating someone they think is "better". Based on the above odds are your friends idea of "better" is someone who would make you hornier.

The man doesn't need to make your knees buckle and you so turned on that you drip at first sight. He just needs to turn you on enough...and be a good moral man.

There is also science that shows that men with the mental, and physical traits of a cad have dark triad personalities. High degrees of Narcissism (inflated ego), psychopathy (little to no empathy), and Machiavellianism (maniplativeness).*not unlike the universal preference men have for a woman who's waist is smaller than her hips w/H = 0.75-0.6 ish

January 4, 2014

Mrlonelyone you guessed my mind. I'm not into wasting my time going after quick sex. I want a long-term relationship with a man that thinks the same.

You are right about my friends not thinking clearly with their minds and yes I've been told a couple times something along the lines of ''You got plenty of time to settle down'' or ''Stop worrying about it, you sound like a 30 year-old''. The truth is we don't really have too much time and I'm not going to waste minutes on a guy those only quality is looking good and parties but will definitely cheat on me.

I think the reason I might sound more advanced for my age is because of everything I've seen in my surroundings, school, college and all the things my female family members and friends had to go through. Also, I was quite perceptive as a child and would noticed if something went wrong.

Thank you for the articles. I believe this is happening with many of my friends. I don't think they know what they want. It took two of my friends the hard way of getting cheated on to know who definitely isn't relationship material. Maybe I'm the one more worried and analyzing things ahead because I do find myself thinking about my future, who I imagine losing my virginity to and then getting married to.

January 4, 2014

Attracting women and navigating relationships require completely different skill sets. Men that are good at attracting women will have much opportunity to sleep around and most will take advantage of that. Those of us who are not good at attracting women have to cultivate our relationship skills -- interested women do not come around often so we have to make the most of what we can get. For example, I'm in my 40s and my lifetime number of first dates is 9 . . . but 6 of those turned into exclusive relationships.

Women like to think that a man can be both an adonis and a perfectly satisfying relationship partner, but I think those guys are VERY few and far between.

If you can't attract women you don't get to the navigate relationship stage

January 4, 2014

Somehow I always have an unpopular opinion...

Love grows. If the guy isn't self-obsessed and is half-intellectual he is probably introverted and if he's anything like me this evil combination of characteristics takes so much time and patience to reveal itself.

You don't need to decide whether or not to marry him today. Give him a chance to show his colors. If after several dates you feel nothing at all then yeah move on -- but don't just sit in your bedroom contemplating how worthy he is...

I'm definitely going to give it more time. I feel that for now I have to cling on to him. It's really my only option for now.

I keep hoping things will develop further eventually.

January 4, 2014

The ugly truth is a lot of women end up with guys they aren't all that attracted to. For one reason or another.

January 4, 2014

Reality: I don't think they exist. If it's like if a guy isn't lacking in looks nor other things, he doesn't have good sexual morals. From what I've heard guys that supposely are waiting aren't really waiting out of choice but maybe are the same as the one I'm dating. It would be great to find one that's really waiting out of choice because he is that way.

That's BS, people don't have poor values if they have good looks anymore than not so attractive people have good values.

The two aren't linked. I believe in the values I believe in because I believe in them!! Not because of the guy who looks back at me from the mirror.

January 4, 2014

That's BS, people don't have poor values if they have good looks anymore than not so attractive people have good values.

The two aren't linked. I believe in the values I believe in because I believe in them!! Not because of the guy who looks back at me from the mirror.

I'm aware there can be a few exceptions to the rule but honestly how often do you see a guy that's a 7-9 in looks, is smart, very outgoing or popular and can get all the girls if he wanted to easily but decides not to because he's really waiting for his first time (if he's a virgin) to be with a special girl or has only been in couple long-term relationships (low in partners but out of choice and he really is against casual sex)? Those are what I would call the very rare breeds. I do know those types might exist too but very, very few. It would have to be a special guy with either very strong self-control or with a great upbringing (for instance: if his parents or grandparents, etc have all been serial monogamists and those teachings are passed down on him from an early age). Edited January 4, 2014 by pearl_nc

January 4, 2014

Mrlonelyone you guessed my mind. I'm not into wasting my time going after quick sex. I want a long-term relationship with a man that thinks the same. .

The science literature which studies women's mating choices would've predicted this.

If you are master of your hormonal impulses and make sure you are picking a man who isn't a cad (not very very handsome but good looking enough, not a self absorbed narcissistic, psychopathic, manipulative user...). You can pick a really good young man and have a reasonably successful relationship.

Remember two things. Since you are young you can take your time in courtship and just be engaged for 5-6 years while you grow from 20 to 25. Lots of big changes happen between 20 and 25. You are what, 19?

Adolescent Brain and Behavior | Why Do Teens Act This Way?

Brain Maturity Extends Well Beyond Teen Years : NPR

This says something about how you are thinking and how you're friends are thinking. You may have mentally matured a bit sooner in certain regards. Some people don't reach that mental maturity until after 25 more like 28 or 29 even.

You are right about my friends not thinking clearly with their minds and yes I've been told a couple times something along the lines of ''You got plenty of time to settle down'' or ''Stop worrying about it, you sound like a 30 year-old''. The truth is we don't really have too much time and I'm not going to waste minutes on a guy those only quality is looking good and parties but will definitely cheat on me.

The average age women get married at is 31 these days. So typically what you are trying to do now is something

I think the reason I might sound more advanced for my age is because of everything I've seen in my surroundings, school, college and all the things my female family members and friends had to go through. Also, I was quite perceptive as a child and would noticed if something went wrong. .

Thank you for the articles. I believe this is happening with many of my friends. I don't think they know what they want. It took two of my friends the hard way of getting cheated on to know who definitely isn't relationship material. Maybe I'm the one more worried and analyzing things ahead because I do find myself thinking about my future, who I imagine losing my virginity to and then getting married to.

Taking in those patterns and seeing the for what they are is another sign of maturity. So is being realistic about what you should have right now. So let me ask you OP.

Here's one more good article for a woman in your position, consider sharing it with your friends.

The #1 Dating Mistake College Girls Make | The College Crush

“Marrying the wrong guy starts with dating the wrong guy.” The dating habits and patterns you develop in college will stay with you after graduation. So if you put up with a bunch of crap in college, or train yourself to ignore your gut feelings….you’ll have more of the same after you graduate!” (And that will put you on a crash course to potentially marrying the wrong guy if you do choose to get married someday!)

And after talking to thousands of college women, it’s clear that far too many of them are dating the wrong guys. Why? Because they date the “idea” of the guy, not the actual guy. Confused much? What we mean is that women will meet a guy, or hook up with a guy and think he’s really great. There’s a connection. They have fun. He makes them laugh. He texts frequently. He’s affectionate. He seems interested. He wants to “go out” again. Maybe they see each other a few times. But then…he morphs into an *******. No texts, a little rude behavior mixed in with some interest. But it’s not the same…yet they stay. They ask themselves, what are they doing wrong? They are waiting for the guy to return to who he was the first week or two that they dated. And they wait and they wait and they wait. But he never acts that way again. What gives? He never WAS that sweet guy he seemed to be in the beginning. It was an act.

Be aware of the above as you go ahead in college dating.

Do you really want to be married with all the sacrifices that implies in your young life?

For example, you go to school and get a really good GPA. You want to go on and get a Masters or a professional degree but you get accepted to a school somewhere else. Would you want to have to give up your career or derail or post pone it for your man? Would you want to have to negotiate with someone else if you wanted to travel? etc.

I suggest you take account of the hooking up is the new dating (in college at least) link in my signature. Develop a number circles of friends and just watch the men in them for a while. Check out how they treat people they aren't trying to have sex with. Once the sex is over, or the passion dies down into a stable relationship that is how he will be with you.

Further, consider dating a guy through college without expecting him to be with you for life. At 19 that could be another three or four years at most. If after that period you are sure of who he is then get married.

What I am trying to say is don't be in such a huge hurry that you rush in and make a huge mistake.

January 4, 2014

That's BS, people don't have poor values if they have good looks anymore than not so attractive people have good values.

The two aren't linked. I believe in the values I believe in because I believe in them!! Not because of the guy who looks back at me from the mirror.

True it isn't a cause effect relationship. It is that certain things are correlated.

A man or woman with many sexual options has temptation to exercise those options. Thus, if they aren't 100% satisfied they can end a relationship and be assured of another one in due time.

The better looking can be assured of getting away with more things and not being punished as severly if at all. et

Better looking people:

Get better jobs

Get paid more

Good Looks, Good Pay? - Forbes

Get lighter sentences in prison.

What Is the Halo Effect?

Are thought to be better people in general.

What Is the Halo Effect?

Someone having the world lay down for them because they are good looking has to effect how they act. Way more often that not if a woman is a 8 or higher she will be a witch, if a man is an 8 or higher he will be an @$$hole.

As the song goes.

January 5, 2014

Thank you for the articles. I believe this is happening with many of my friends. I don't think they know what they want. It took two of my friends the hard way of getting cheated on to know who definitely isn't relationship material. Maybe I'm the one more worried and analyzing things ahead because I do find myself thinking about my future, who I imagine losing my virginity to and then getting married to.

It's great that you are thinking about your future, but you aren't doing so in a healthy or productive manner. You are looking through a filter and planning to make decisions solely based on fear of infidelity. That fear is real and present for many individuals existing in romantic relationships. But, your fear is magnified as a result of the infidelity your family members have experienced. That is understandable, but I would like to share from my own personal experience.

I, like you, dated a man who I wasn't physically attracted to based on his other qualities and the assumption that our relationship would be secure. Our sex life was lacking because, well, I wasn't attracted to him. But he was quite loyal. Around the 3 year mark, our relationship was strained and plagued by constant arguments; though, we both wanted to stick it out and make it work. Around this time he started a new job that had predominantly female employees. He developed friendships with his coworkers, which I didn't take issue with. I trusted him. But during a particularly big blowout we had, he decided that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. Simultaneously, he had been spending more time with one coworker in particular. He began making his exit and planning to date her before we broke up....

My ex may not have been attractive (I've been told he's quite ugly), but there are women who were attracted to his qualities and the idea of security and stability. Same as you. He left our relationship once an opportunity presented itself. Men who aren't as attractive but still have redeeming qualities will often have opportunities to cheat. Whether or not they will take the opportunity is based on their character, not their image.

I am also troubled by how you quantify attractiveness on a scale. I didn't realize people actually did that in real life, but I digress. Attraction varies based on the people involved. I have been attracted to people who aren't considered 8s or 9s on a scale, and conversely have been turned off by people who are considered 10s.

Back to the question at hand, I think some others have mentioned that in relationships, self preservation is based on relying on instincts rather than depriving yourself of the qualities you are searching for. However, anyone you care about deeply will have the ability to hurt you. Even if outcome of a relationship is pain, most survive, heal, move on, and thrive.

January 5, 2014

how often do you see a guy that's a 7-9 in looks, is smart, very outgoing or popular and can get all the girls if he wanted to easily but decides not to because he's really waiting for his first time (if he's a virgin) to be with a special girl or has only been in couple long-term relationships (low in partners but out of choice and he really is against casual sex)?

Well I'm going to sound cocky now but I think I'm good looking (I'm not going to number myself because that's arrogant as hell and maybe its a massively inflated self opinion but people tell me im good looking and i wouldn't change the way i look), i hope people find me funny, and if i know something about myself then i know i'm athletic.

But i have no desire to sow my wild oats or whatever, i just want to build a relationship and a life with a girl.

My girlfriends the girl for that and i'd never compromise my end goal for a notch on the bed post.

I don't see that that's so unusual!

Those are what I would call the very rare breeds. I do know those types might exist too but very, very few. It would have to be a special guy with either very strong self-control

I don't see that it takes self-control.

In the same way that i don't think its a matter of self control not to swap £20 note for a couple of £1 coins - it just doens't make sense.

or with a great upbringing (for instance: if his parents or grandparents, etc have all been serial monogamists and those teachings are passed down on him from an early age).

Dunno, my family have been, i guess the values you hold are kind of taught to you by your family.

But again is that that unusual to be taught that?

January 5, 2014

A man or woman with many sexual options has temptation to exercise those options. Thus, if they aren't 100% satisfied they can end a relationship and be assured of another one in due time.

Depends on the goal - if there just looking for a casual relationship then maybe yeah.

But looking for a serious relationship, its not that easy - if you walk then regardless of if you can get some other girl you fail on your goal of a long term serious relationship.

The better looking can be assured of getting away with more things and not being punished as severly if at all. et

Better looking people:
Get better jobs
Get paid more
Good Looks, Good Pay? - Forbes

Get lighter sentences in prison.
What Is the Halo Effect?
Are thought to be better people in general.
What Is the Halo Effect?

I don't disagree with that.

Someone having the world lay down for them because they are good looking has to effect how they act. Way more often that not if a woman is a 8 or higher she will be a witch, if a man is an 8 or higher he will be an @$$hole.

This may be true in some cases but not 'way more often than not' i know plenty of incredibly decent good looking people!

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