crackerjax9 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I've been with the best guy I could ask for over the last year and a half. He treats me better than any other guy I've been with. However, there have been a handful of times where I find myself questioning our relationship. A little history on me, I was in a both physically and emotionally abusive relationship for three years. I finally had my breaking point, was single for a year and a half, and then stumbled upon this gem. Fast forward, New Years. We're at the bar with 4 other people I've never met before. The only person he knows is his friend and his friends roommate and then theres some other random girl. Ok, so I'm on the phone with my brother wishing him a happy new year and the group of them are taking pictures. I see the girl neither of us know, posing next to his crotch acting like shes giving him head. Several pictures were taken, I was still on the phone with my brother. Once I got off, I pulled my boyfriend aside (he did not see her doing this, just thought she was taking a pic and leaning down) and told him what happened. We took the girls whos camera it was and went thru the pics, and she indeed was doing what i thought she was so we deleted the picture. Now, I wasnt about to let this girl think that was okay doing in front of me, so I let her know as calmly as possible that it was innappropriate and that i was standing right there. Then out of the corner of my eye I see my boyfriend doing the "crazy" signal to his friends. I turned around and said Are You kidding? He goes...no, she didnt do that. I saw red!!! I had just shown him the pictures and we had just deleted them together and he was going to call me crazy and a liar in front of his friends????? That was the end of our fun night & i found myself crying for the rest of my new years. Happy New Years!!! The next day, I broke up with him. I love him to death and hed be perfect if it wasnt for the few times where we butt heads while drunk, but can you blame me for this? I dealt with an ahole for 3 years who used to call me names and would call me crazy just to tear me and my self esteem to shreds, and then the guy i love and trust is going to pull the same strings? I want to be with someone who is LOYAL to me and has my back in all situations. This was humiliating. Three days later and he still hasnt apologized. I'm home drinking alone & absolutely heartbroken about this. Guys are so stubborn. Why cant they just apologize? Sorry for the rant. I'm just feeling in the dumps..
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Well, I'd say that was your call to make. Sure it wasn't cool. But guys do stupid shyte in front of their friends, and I've done similar crap to my ex (although mine was less intentional), and I KNOW that was some of the things that added to her decision to dump me too. I guess it is what it is...
legion113 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Well, if he's willing to say that kind of stuff in front of his friends to "look cool" just imagine what he tells them when you're not around. 7
collegeguy_24 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 As a guy, I have to say that is no OK. I have nevr done that, and would never do that. If I have to put down my girlfriend to look cool for my friends, then they are not good friends. Period. Luckily, I don't have many friends, just 1 or 2 I actually hang out with. and even then, I still would never do that. That was a jerk move on his part. 1
HorseLuck Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Well, was he drunk when he said this? and had he seen you crying/ is he aware of how much it hurt you?
mantlefan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I don't know, I think for a 1 1/2 year relationship to end because he does stupid stuff while drinking, I don't think this event warrants that. You're both human, so there are probably some other ways you don't get along, and maybe this was just a trigger, last straw. But really, if I were you, I think you need to understand that he didn't do it to hurt you, and he needs to understand that he hurt you. He should apologize for hurting you by accident, not for hurting you on purpose. If he thinks you are accusing him of trying to hurt you on purpose, do you see why he might be hurt in turn and become even more stubborn? Tell him why it hurt you, and that you know he wasn't trying to do it. If he then apologizes, good, and make up. If not, also good, and you try to start the breakup process. I think one thing women could do better is be more clear when they are hurt and why they are hurt. Girls are taught to be less assertive from a young age, whether intentionally or not. I think if you tell him directly what hurt you and why, he will start to understand better, and if he cares about you, he will start to learn how to avoid doing it again. 4
Kevin_D Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You can't break up with a guy because of something like this, especially not when alcohol is involved. He didn't even notice the girl and I can see why he got a bit uncomfortable if you started deleting pictures. He probably just wanted to show the other guys that this was no big deal for him. It was really stupid of him to do the crazy signal and he should apologize for that, but I also think that you should apologize to him for overreacting and dumping him for a stupid thing like this. In a LTR, there will always be times when you hurt eachother, otherwise there's something wrong. The important is that you discuss these things and don't make impulse decisions like this. I think you should call him and explain why you got so upset, and then apologize for dumping him. Be the bigger person. You can do it! 3
AllTooWell Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 i would've been really upset. i don't blame you. when someone calls me crazy, i see red too. it's a form of gas lighting. you weren't being crazy for being upset. he should NOT have done what he did. your feelings are absolute and you are allowed to be upset HOWEVER, i think waiting until you sobered up to have a discussion about this would have been more appropriate. with you expressing to him why you were as upset as you were, and explaining that this is a deal breaker for you - if it happens again i would approach him and try and talk if you want to save the relationship. CALMLY explain why you were upset and say that you want to try again, if he is on board. (if thats what you want) 2
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Thanks guys. We did talk the next day and I explained why I was upset and when he didn't apologize for his actions and just made excuses or turned it on me, thats when I broke up with him. This is the fourth or fifth time he's done something stupid while drunk and the second or third time he's disrespected me while drunk. We've had the talks before about solutions to fix this kind of stuff from happening again but this was now the 5th time. Clearly he doesn't want go change and I need a guy that will respect me always. I love him but if doesnt think he did anything wrong and gets stubborn and won't apologize, then I don't need that in my life. I'm still young, I can find a guy that will respect me and have my back always. It's funny, I guess I didn't know the real him until about a year of dating. That's when all these drinking issues started happening. He just loses his patience or is a complete jerk to me when he drinks. At the same time it hurts. 4 days NC and all I really want is a sincere apology and for him to show he cares. He must not. 6
fixing Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Its completely inappropriate of him to gesture to them other friends that your 'crazy' that is crossing the line big time imo. THATS TWO FACED BEHAVOUR. Now, on the other hand, i think you went overboard by breaking up with him over it though? I mean, did you literally end it over that gesture? You could have pulled him aside and warned him that you will not tolerate that kind of behavour because of your past 3 years with some other violent cunt. Btw, you are right to have confronted that slut too, that was NOT CRAZY. I dont know, i just think ending the relationship is a little severe, and he will be hurt by that and probably expecting you to apoligise to him now. You both need a mutual apology and get back on track. And stop drinking at home alone. 1
fixing Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Oh, i just read you last post now. Well, considering you told him why it upset you and he still hasnt apologized then definitely do the no contact. Your man is supposed to protect you and be by your side through thick and thin. I would NEVER do that to my girlfriend and id probably beat another man up if he embarrassed her. So, he really needs to do the making up here, No contact is right. You need to take a firm stance on such behavior given your past abusive relationship. But sounds like there is an issue with drink brewing with this guy? Edited January 4, 2014 by fixing 2
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Thank you. I didn't break up with him just for that one hand gesture and him calling me a liar, I broke up with him bc this kind of behavior while drinking has happened a few times before. Still nothing from him. I think he may not be taking me seriously bc I still haven't changed my Facebook status. Do you think I should just delete my Facebook? Or leave it alone
fixing Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I dont know, i think changing your facebook status is kinda immature. I would only do that if i was seriously 100% finished with my ex. No, dont delete your facebook? Why should you deny yourself that tool? Deactivating looks weak here too. Maybe just stay off it if you dont need to use it. Make him call you if he's gonna say sorry, or even better come to you in person.
fixing Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 The reason i said all the above is because i remember you saying you would take him back in a heartbeat if he says sorry.... So, maybe you kinda need to leave some kinda avenue open for him. If the facebook status bothers you btw, just 'hide' it to yourself only. Thats better.
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Yea you're completely right it is immature and what will I do all day lol I'm just going a little crazy with anxiety over all this and can barely sleep or stop thinking about it for a minute. I just want a sincere apology. Guys are so stubborn some times. They could swallow their pride and make it all better with three simple words. Clearly he doesn't love me like I thought he did.
fixing Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Look, if he knows full well about your past trauma from that abusive relationship. He should know better than to belittle you, let alone publicly, that is NOT on. If you told him in simple terms you want an sincere apology from him and he still hasnt, then the ball is in his court to do the right thing. Just keep up the no contact, you will know sooner or later whether he really cares if he comes and apologizes or not. If enough time does pass though, and he is still being stubborn/ uncaring, then you can really delete him and block, delete etc and move on. 1
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Look, if he knows full well about your past trauma from that abusive relationship. He should know better than to belittle you, let alone publicly, that is NOT on. If you told him in simple terms you want an sincere apology from him and he still hasnt, then the ball is in his court to do the right thing. Just keep up the no contact, you will know sooner or later whether he really cares if he comes and apologizes or not. If enough time does pass though, and he is still being stubborn/ uncaring, then you can really delete him and block, delete etc and move on. Thank you so much for all your advice. You're so sweet. I agree the ball is in his court to make things better. He saw how upset I was. And if he can't apologize then he clearly doesn't care about me or value our relationship so at that point I'll move on. 1
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You are only treated as well as you allow...so, crackerjax, I think you made the right call. Your ex had no problem disrespecting you in front of his friends and would not apologize after seeing how much it hurt your feelings. He knows your history. F*ck him. How can you possibly work a relationship with that type of person? Red Flag. Heed the warning and move on. Never waste your time on someone who has no regard for your feelings. Stay strong! 5
deathandtaxes Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 OP - So your ex has a problem with this while drinking? Does he do this kind of stuff when he's not drinking? He should be your champion, your knight. Making a crazy symbol to his friends should have warranted a slap to the face or a kick to the balls. Seriously, that is offensive. I don't care if he's drinking. Just amplifies his true feelings. He has no RESPECT for you. His lack of apologizing just shows that he still thinks that what he has done is perfectly fine in his mind. Other than these several instances you have mentioned, how else is/was your relationship? 3
Haydn Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Yes, laughing at you in front of friends etc.. Not on.
Keenly Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 The number one thing that stood out to me is you took some ones camera that wasn't yours, and you deleted pictures / property that wasn't yours. I'm assuming you did this without her knowing. That IS in fact, crazy. You don't touch other people's things because you don't like what they are doing. Your going to havr to take a little personal responsibility for what happens. Should he have gestured ? No. Should you have kept your hands to yourself ? Yes. Is it stupid to break up with a man you supposedly love and is perfect for you, treats you well it's over some stupid drunken shenanigans ? It sure is..... Now you want him to apologize ? You need to apologize for not handling it better as well. Perhaps you two need to drink a little more responsibly if you but heads while drinking. If you are ONLY butting heads while drinking, you are obviously both behaving like idiots when you drink. So drink less, or not at all around each other.
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 You are only treated as well as you allow...so, crackerjax, I think you made the right call. Your ex had no problem disrespecting you in front of his friends and would not apologize after seeing how much it hurt your feelings. He knows your history. F*ck him. How can you possibly work a relationship with that type of person? Red Flag. Heed the warning and move on. Never waste your time on someone who has no regard for your feelings. Stay strong! This was exactly my thought. Im so hurt that he would do something like that and am worried it would happen again if we did work things out. I feel like once someone loses respect for you, they'll never have respect for you again. I broke up with him to show him I will not tolerate it. I don't think I was overreacting. Didn't leave one abusive relationship for what could be another.
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 The number one thing that stood out to me is you took some ones camera that wasn't yours, and you deleted pictures / property that wasn't yours. I'm assuming you did this without her knowing. That IS in fact, crazy. You don't touch other people's things because you don't like what they are doing. Your going to havr to take a little personal responsibility for what happens. Should he have gestured ? No. Should you have kept your hands to yourself ? Yes. Is it stupid to break up with a man you supposedly love and is perfect for you, treats you well it's over some stupid drunken shenanigans ? It sure is..... Now you want him to apologize ? You need to apologize for not handling it better as well. Perhaps you two need to drink a little more responsibly if you but heads while drinking. If you are ONLY butting heads while drinking, you are obviously both behaving like idiots when you drink. So drink less, or not at all around each other. No, my boyfriend took the girls camera and he deleted them with me after the girl had asked him to take a picture of her. She was too drunk to realize we went thru her pics that were just taken.what do you mean I should have kept my hands to myself...? We've agreed to drink less when we go out several times and I've been doing my part. I was merely buzzed on NYE, stuck to never all night to avoid a fight. He on the other hand was mixing every type of alcohol.if things aren't changing I dont think I should have to put up with it. I wanna have fun with a guy when I go out. Not feel uncomfortable or miserable.
BlametheIrish Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I dont think you overreacted to he situation at all. If I we're you Id of told my brother yo jold on then told the chick if she'd like to keep her teeth to stay far away from my boyfriends croch. You deserve much better than an immature guy like that. He has some griwing up ti di before he becomes a suitable life partner. 1
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