DALIFAN Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been official since beginning of december and dating since mid october. In the beginning he was hesitant to make it official (though we've already been exclusive by that time), because he knew I was planning on spending 1 year overseas with the intent of some day moving there permanently. Because I like him so much I already arranged it differently and reduced my stay to 5 months, but he still knows that eventually (in 2 years maybe) I will want to move away from the country we both live in right now. He told me that makes him scared and he knows he doesn't show me enough how much he cares about me, because he is afraid of developing more deeper feelings and end up getting hurt. In the beginning when we started dating I wasn't particularly looking for something long term and I told him that. He was perfectly fine with that cause he just came out of a 2 year relationship himself. My previous relationship ended because my ex moved over seas for a year and we grew apart. Hence, I thought I never would want to try to the LDR thing again and rethink moving away. But since then I have changed my mind, I care a lot about my current bf and would be ready to give LDR a shot when the time comes. DO any of you have any advice on how I could give him more security? Or how to handle the situation?
Art_Critic Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 What are the possibilities that he will move to the country you are going to move to in 2 years ? If he isn't going to be able to move or doesn't want to then there might be the hesitation he is feeling.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 My advise is to continue as normally and don't sacrifice your plans for a new relationship that has no foundation or history, do what you need to do...you can't mold your life around relationships or if they fall apart it would have been all for what? Chances are you're going to grow apart anyway, just like you did in your last relationship...it's tough and since it's so new, is it really worth the risk and investment, or are you going to go with the fairy tale option and thinking in this case? Whatever you do...the whole "I'll be in contact every waking moment!" kind of thing and waste time and energy trying to maintain the relationship basically all the while....not actually having a relationship but more of a fantasy filled with "I miss yous" and all that other stuff, then you get so used to that cycle you don't even remember what the "real" relationship is like. I actually come with pretty good experience of this under my belt, so I'm not speaking without understanding...what i believe is unless you can really have a plan of how you're going to be together and continue the relationship in "reality" in the near future, then It's not worth the sacrifice in of itself...it's just going to draw things out. If you're the independent type or unavailable you might kind of enjoy the LDR thing because you get your own time/privacy, but really this guy just got out of a relationship...chances are high he's just rebounding and now he's throwing himself into this as a distraction, people do this all the time though...it's just a perpetual cycle of avoidance. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been official since beginning of december and dating since mid october. In the beginning he was hesitant to make it official (though we've already been exclusive by that time), because he knew I was planning on spending 1 year overseas with the intent of some day moving there permanently. Because I like him so much I already arranged it differently and reduced my stay to 5 months, but he still knows that eventually (in 2 years maybe) I will want to move away from the country we both live in right now. He told me that makes him scared and he knows he doesn't show me enough how much he cares about me, because he is afraid of developing more deeper feelings and end up getting hurt. In the beginning when we started dating I wasn't particularly looking for something long term and I told him that. He was perfectly fine with that cause he just came out of a 2 year relationship himself. My previous relationship ended because my ex moved over seas for a year and we grew apart. Hence, I thought I never would want to try to the LDR thing again and rethink moving away. But since then I have changed my mind, I care a lot about my current bf and would be ready to give LDR a shot when the time comes. DO any of you have any advice on how I could give him more security? Or how to handle the situation? I have been in your exact position. As my username suggests, I now live in Italy. I am Canadian and moved to Rome last winter. Just before I left, I met a guy. I liked him a lot and considered doing long-distance but he had hesitations. My initial plan was also to go abroad for a year. I have to admit that I cringed a little when I read that you reduced your intended stay from a year to five months - your relationship is very young and there's no guarantee of a future together even if you weren't going away. I fear you will regret doing that... I had also considered doing the same (for the guy I was dating) but now I am thanking my lucky stars that I didn't! The guy and I didn't work out. He wasn't really interested in having an LDR, and looking back over my experiences of the past year, I have to admit I am thankful that I wasn't committed to someone back home. I actually fell out of touch with him, and we have both moved on. I have dated locally in Italy - what an amazing experience! That's not to say you can't make it work - it is possible with a lot of dedication and consistent communication. You must reach an agreement about how often you will be in touch, and via which methods (phone, Skype, etc) Consider any time differences and access to the internet, too. Outline what you each expect of the other, ie. no dating other people, etc. Would it be possible for you to visit each other at some point? But honestly...Be very careful about adjusting your plans too much - you have the opportunity of a lifetime ahead of you. You're still in the development stages of a fresh relationship, which makes it harder to maintain while so far apart. If your guy doesn't see himself moving to the new country in a couple years' time (as you stated you intend to do) you may want to re-evaluate your long-term potential as a couple. In the end, weigh your own dreams against this new relationship carefully. You don't know what the year ahead will bring. In fact, I love it here in Italy so much that I am in the process of securing a residency permit to remain here long-term. I wouldn't have predicted that a year ago! PM me if you like. I'd be happy to discuss my experiences with you! I really do know what you're going through. By the way, where are you planning to go? I'm always eager to hear other people's stories! Good luck to you!
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You can't & shouldn't make major life decisions based upon a non-permanent relationship. You two haven't been together long enough for his opinions to change your long term plans. You can tell him how much you love & care about him. You can remind him about all of the ways you can stay connected: text, Skype, FB, etc. You can get him info about when & how you can see each other again. . . flight costs etc. & a plan to pay for it if that's a consideration. However, if he doesn't want to have an LDR you need to respect that. Perhaps look him up again when you return but some relationships just aren't meant to be.
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