reservoirdog1 Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I've known of this possibility for about 15 months now, ever since TBXW was trapped and confessed to being a liar and a serial cheat. Our daughter is 7, our son is 3. The OM in question supposedly doesn't know about this possibility. DNA testing hasn't happened yet. Part of this is reluctance on my part, because I think I know the result already. And, in spite of the fact that I love my daughter dearly, I admit to being afraid that, god help me, that love will suffer as a result. I'm going to see a child psychologist about this soon, probably just me without TBXW because I don't want to go with her. I want to find out (a) how an adverse result could impact me, and (b) more importantly, how and when an adverse result should be communicated to my daughter, and © what effect it could have on her. This has nothing whatsoever to do with money. I have no desire for the OM to have any part of her life and I have no intention at all of relinquishing my place as her father in any way. I don't want him to have to pay support, because that would be an acknowledgment of something I wish could be buried. Frankly, if I knew that this would never in any way be an issue, I wouldn't want the testing done. But there medical circumstances in which it could come out, and I figure it's better that things are prepared in advance. She's MY daughter, and I will not allow that piece of s*** to change that. This is such a f*cking mess. Has anybody else ever been through something like this? Sorry to ramble.
SoleMate Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 What a sad situation. I truly sympathize. I'm glad you're getting psychological advice. I hope you have also gotten good family law advice. Specifically, I'm wondering if there could be any danger to the testing if you are sure you do not want to relinquish your parental rights. Could either your TBXW or the OM use the test results as a foot in the door to claim more rights to your daughter? Maybe not now, but 5 years down the road? No, I have never been in this situation. I'm hoping that you will eventually decide NOT to test, and that you can find peace with that possibility.
brashgal Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Unless the medical situation is impending/immediate, I wouldn't do it. So she somehow finds out somewhere down the line (hopefully as a well-adjusted adult) - it won't have a reflection on you. If anything she'll be angry with your ex since your ex would have 'known' it was a possibility. I think if you know for sure it is going to mess you up even more psychologically. Why do that to yourself?
alphamale Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 This is such a f*cking mess. Has anybody else ever been through something like this? Sorry to ramble. Yes, RESERVOIRDOG, I feel for you deeply. This is a tough situation. Some studies have shown that up to 10% of kids are being brought up by men who are not their biological father but THINK they are... so this is fairly common. My recommendation is to let sleeping dogs lie and not get the paternity test. If the kid thinks you are the father then for all practical purposes you are. You know, if you change your mind 10 or 20 yrs down the road you could always have the test done then. Just some thoughts. Good luck. A.M.
Sukotto Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I agree that a paternity test is not what you want to be doing, if the result is that your not the father then you might end up resenting your child. The only thing this child knows is that your the father, why would the result matter to you?
Author reservoirdog1 Posted January 8, 2005 Author Posted January 8, 2005 Sukotto: It shouldn't matter. I don't want it to matter. But that doesn't mean it WON'T matter, on a gut emotional level that I can't control. And that's what scares me. What's interesting is that this issue only rears its head when the kids are with their mother. When they're with me, I can see my daughter, play with her, hug her and read with her, and it feels like it wouldn't matter even if the result was adverse. Solemate: I spoke to my lawyer about this today, in fact. And the fact is that OM may have rights if he's the bio father. There's very little I can do about that. (He'll also have certain obligations in that case, but that's not my point.) Not the same rights that I have, given that I've raised her this far, but perhaps some limited rights of access. Even contemplating that is like a knife in the gut.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted January 8, 2005 Author Posted January 8, 2005 I can refuse, of course. But one of my major concerns is that, if my daughter finds out later in life (say she needs some genetic testing done for medical reasons) and the result is adverse to me, I have no idea what her reaction will be. For all I know, she may hate me for having been complicit in keeping TBXW's dirty secret from her. If there's something to tell, perhaps it's better to find out now, because kids are resilient, and because the desemination of information can be controlled. But, that's why I'm going to the psychologist, to get help with these issues.
TheDiva Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 reservoirdog, my heart is aching for you! I believe regardless of the DNA, YOU are her Dad. You have the bond. You are the one that has been there for her. Any man can spew sperm, that doesn't make him a father. Deep down I feel the result won't matter to you in the long run, this is my hope anyway. But not knowing may eat at you from the inside. Then again knowing could have the same effect. Is there a chance that she might be yours? I get the feeling from your posts that you have more than enough reason to doubt her paternity. As a female, I have to say I am so sorry that the X did this to you, women like that drive me nuts. As for finding out later in life, I don't believe she would turn on you if you knew about the possibility and didn't tell her. She may have some anger in the beginning. But she would also know that you love her and always have, and no man could take your place in her heart. Sharing DNA sometimes don't mean jack when it comes to parent/child relationships. I sincerely hope that if you do the test the result is in your favor.
HokeyReligions Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Oh RD, I feel for your situation. I have never been in that situation first-hand, but my brother was in a situation a bit similar. He married a woman that was already pregnant with another man's child. He knew it going into the relationship and he married her basically because it was the '60's and he was 18 and thought it would make him an adult. They decided they would not tell the child. A couple of years after he (Dan) was born, and we all welcomed him into the family as though he were my brothers (or so I thought at the time), Pat was pregnant again. This time it was definitely my brothers child. On the outside it didn't look like he was treated any differently, but no matter how much my brother and my parents fought it, they still felt more of a pull toward the "natural" child/grandchild than they did for the older boy. Somewhere in their hearts they put Dan second. I think that he sensed it somehow. Another year or so passed and Pat was pregnant again. They didn't know who the father was and had blood tests done after the babies were born (twins. DNA not available back then). During the pregnancy there was a lot of trouble in the marriage (obviously the cheating, not the pregnancy). Brother tried to do what was right because he was responsible for those kids -- his name was on the first boy's birth certificate as the father. The twins were his, but the marriage was over. Brother left town, eventually found someone new. Pat never remarried and she still did not tell Dan-- but as he grew up he heard bits of conversations from Pat's side of the family. We didn't see them after brother left. Anyway, Dan began questioning and one day showed up on our doorstep. He was 16 and we had not seen him since he was five. He knew in his heart that my brother was not his father but no one ever told him. I did not know who his biological father was so I could not tell him. If I had known, I probably would have let him know. All he wanted was to know and to know why he was not told. It haunted him his whole life. If he had been told and reassured as a child he could have accepted it and it would not have hurt him so much. His mother avoided his questions and refused to say anything at all. (she was a basketcase, but thats another story) Emotionally it took its toll. Other factors were involved also, such as my brother never went back and saw his kids (his "natural" child was killed in a car accident at age 4, but Dan and the twins never knew him). That abandonment by their father hurt them too, but the unconfirmed suspicions that Dan had about his own paternity was a bonus he just didn't need. You have to take in all the considerations of your own unique situation. Sounds like you are doing the right thing in talking to a counselor to help you sort this out. Bloodlines are important for a medical history and royal families, but outside that it doesn't matter. I consider Dan my nephew no less than the other boys. Side note: Dan is grown, been married three times now I think. He and my brother are close now. Dan still calls him 'dad' and they visit and my brother acknowledges him and loves him like his own blood. Dan's children are my brothers grandchildren and he does not differentiate between them and his grand children from the twins -- who he is also close with. It was one of the twins that served in Iraq at the beginning of the war. Between the three boys, my brother has 14 grandchildren and one or two (I lost count) great grandchildren.
RecordProducer Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Hi, Pisces! Any news on the old subject? BTW, I liked the "Lawyer (and yet, I was the honest one in the marriage)" description. I assume you did nothing about the situation, but IMHO you should know if you're her father or not, because if you don't check, it will always eat you up inside. Besides, there are medical reasons as well. You should know her congenital predispositions and she should know them too. In fact if you find out that she is your daughter, you will have peace. And finally don't people deserve to know the truth about themselves? Both you and your daughter? Are you afraid that your feelings for her will decline if you discover that she isn't your daughter? You know what I think, you're so scared to lose your feelings for her, it only proves how much you love her. So it's impossible for you to change your heart about her. She will be your daughter forever no matter what. You don't have to tell her now, she is little anyway. But you need to know. And she probably is your daughter.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted August 30, 2005 Author Posted August 30, 2005 Hey RP... no, I never took any action on it. My obsessing about it seems to come and go with my mood spikes, and the months between January and the beginning of August have been pretty good overall. However, since the beginning of August I've been in the worst funk I've experienced in ages. Started seeing a counsellor again. And now that I'm already doing so, I think I'll ask him his views on finding out. You've nailed it... that's exactly what I'm afraid of. Having my love for her suffer due to an adverse result, and not being able to change my feelings. (Plus, I'm fairly certain that the result will be adverse -- she looks like OM#2. There's a photo of my kids at home and the resemblance in that photo is kind of freaky.) There are reasons to do it, and reasons not to. One of the "not" reasons is, I don't want OM#2 in her life, or in mine. And even if XW keeps her promise and doesn't tell him, my daughter will likely one day want to meet him. Also, I can't conceive of the ordeal of telling her, and then watching the news spread. She's not even 8 years old, and couldn't be asked to keep it secret. Which means my parents would need to be told (my daughter's very close to them). And XW's parents. And probably her teacher. And then everybody. I know I'm imagining a worst case outcome here; been doing a lot of that lately, in many areas of my life. Gotta try to change that. Anyway, that's where things stand at the moment.
RecordProducer Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 What you don't know can't hurt you. But you already do suspect. I think you will actually feel much beter when you find out, because then you can let it rest. People who have slept with those who have AIDS live in agony. Those who know they have AIDS come in terms with their disease after a while. It's actually not a big deal. Imagine that she was adopted. You love her. It's a fact that will not change no matter what. And she will always love you. And only you. You are her official father! You ARE her father. You can do the test secretly. You can go on a vacation in another city with her and hire a nurse from a lab to take her blood while she is sleeping. The daughter won't know. You'll have the results and nobody will ever find out.
PatientOne Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 You can do the test secretly. You can go on a vacation in another city with her and hire a nurse from a lab to take her blood while she is sleeping. The daughter won't know. You'll have the results and nobody will ever find out. Ok, that is one of the stupidest things even you have posted here. Resdog, Man, I feel your pain. I've been there and have a child that isn't mine, too. While I am still married to the mother, and love MY CHILD dearly, it's something that always in the back of my mind. And she does look like that OM. Please continue with the counseling, and do get professional input as to how to handle this. I'd keep it quiet, at least for now. Always remember- she is YOUR daughter, regardless of DNA. Best of luck, friend.
RecordProducer Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Ok, that is one of the stupidest things even you have posted here. Thank you.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 Hey Patient... no raggin' on RP, the idea is fine in principle, but so I understand, blood's not even necessary. Could gather a throat swab pretty innocently, even while my daughter was awake. XW doesn't even need to know I found out. But anyway... it's good to find somebody who's actually been there. You've demonstrated remarkable strength of character and unbelievable compassion to stay married to your wife -- I hope she realizes that and spends the rest of her life feeling grateful for that and making it up to you. Is the OM part of your daughter's life? (Believe me, I'm so on board with that characterization in regards to my daughter too.) If so, how did that come about? Does he get visitation? Does he pay support? How do you deal with having to see him? (If I ever again cross paths with the OM in question, I'm not sure what my reaction will be... and it's best for him if I never find out.) If he doesn't know, was that a decision your wife agreed with, or did you have to fight with her to get her to agree? Do you think she'll keep it secret? Does your daughter know? For that matter, does your wife know you know? Do your parents and in-laws know? Thanks for any answers you can give... yours is the closest sitch to my own that I've read on one of these boards. Thanks buddy.
PatientOne Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Is the OM part of your daughter's life? (Believe me, I'm so on board with that characterization in regards to my daughter too.) If so, how did that come about? Does he get visitation? Does he pay support? How do you deal with having to see him? (If I ever again cross paths with the OM in question, I'm not sure what my reaction will be... and it's best for him if I never find out.) If he doesn't know, was that a decision your wife agreed with, or did you have to fight with her to get her to agree? Do you think she'll keep it secret? Does your daughter know? For that matter, does your wife know you know? Do your parents and in-laws know? Thanks for any answers you can give... yours is the closest sitch to my own that I've read on one of these boards. Thanks buddy. Resdog, I'll reply via PM.
New_Wife Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 RD, My husband is not my children's bio father - but that's no secret, we married when the little ones were 6 and 8. However, he has taken his role of "dad" to the hilt, and is the only one they've had. I'm of the belief that a half-ounce of goo does not make a parent - love, caring, dedication, and rearing a child do. That being said, you'll want to thouroughly investigate the possibility that if this other man is the father, he'll not only have visitation rights, but possible claims for custody and then you're azzout. If you are legally her father on the birth certificate, as of right now he's no pot to piss in where YOUR child is concerned. One of my dearest friends was adopted, and she couldn't find her biological parents for genetic testing when she was pregnant. You know what - she did alright just the same. You know this man's name. If such a need ever comes up, you can give it to her. But I think only pain can come to you if you verify your suspicion, and no good.
Jayhawks Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 I understand your feelings reserviordog. If I was in your situation I would be worried about a change of feelings, just like you, that your daughter does not deserve. I think I would choose not to know and to believe she was my daughter but you have to make your own decision. Best Regards:)
Author reservoirdog1 Posted September 6, 2005 Author Posted September 6, 2005 Thanks for the thoughts everybody. After two years of keeping this to myself, I told my family this evening about what I suspect. I've hidden it for far too long, and denied myself access to people who care. I feel like this whole thing has been the remaining factor that's kept me attached to the past, to the failed marriage and the years of cheating and lies by XW. I needed to get it out there so I can move on. I didn't expect anything different, but they all agreed that the bio thing is irrelevant -- she's their niece/granddaughter, full stop. They love her, and nothing will change that. Their view is also that no good can come of having anything confirmed, at least while my daughter is a small child. She's too young to understand the adult issues involved, and there's no medical reason right now. And if she finds out as an adult, I can answer truthfully that, while it was suspected as a possibility, we never knew for sure, and that I'm still her dad. That's the important thing. And that's the approach I'm going to take.
gigilani Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 You have been her father for seven years and if she were to find out otherwise, it would be better for the revelation to occur when she's an adult. Children may be reselient, but, you would be literally tearing her identity from her and the results of that would mean disfunctional and rebellious child/teenager acting out, getting hooked on drugs, because of her identity being taken from her. My brother was told by several friends after his first child was born that his daughter was fathered by another man. They even claimed that she resembles the om. However he wisely refused to act on it, why, he says that she is his no matter what & he doesn't need a paternity test to prove anything. Sometimes it is better to be in the dark about a thing. You might suspect, but, you & she especially is blissfully ignorant of what may end up being the truth. If you knew the truth, who knows what you would say to her or her mother in the heat of anger, what if you started to treat her different? She is your daughter, no matter what her biological makeup and that is all the truth you need.
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