Are we friends?

[lucy_in_disguise]

I've been talking to an ex for a few months. We had an intense relationship in our teens (we're now almost 30) followed by years of casual friendship interspersed with periods of silence.

 

I got back in touch with him after losing contact for a few years when my last relationship was ending. I live across the country now but I guess you could say I've held a torch for him for all these years... though I haven't been holding my breath.

 

He is involved with someone. She is much younger and they don't live together, but have been dating for a couple of years. Besides that, I don't know much about her.

 

Since getting back in touch, we've talked on the phone at least once a week. Our conversions are long (1-3 hours) but platonic. Nothing sexual and barely anything emotional. He rarely talks about his girlfriend.

 

A few months ago, he did briefly open up. He said his relationship wasn't going anywhere, though he loved his gf. He said he was considering breaking up with her. He told me he was glad we were friends again, and I had always been special to him. We discussed dating again, and made tentative plans for him to come visit. He got cold feet, though. He said he just couldn't do it. He apologized for leading me on.

 

At that point, I decided for myself (and let him know) that I was ok with just a long-distance friendship... and we resumed our weekly chats as before. I value our conversations. We have a lot in common and he's always blowing my mind. I have a lot of friends but his may be the most stimulating friendship.

 

(For the record, we both make effort to plan phone chats and call each other).

 

I know people say exes can't be friends, but why throw the baby out with the bathwater? It's been ten years since we were together... I can handle being just friends with him. I would love something more and don't understand why he doesn't... but I don't think I need to understand. I can accept it.

 

My question is... has anyone been in a similar situation? I am especially interested in comments from men, since I always hear about how men always have ulterior motives and don't tend to be interested in a purely platonic friendship with a woman.

 

(For the record, I don't buy that... I have many platonic male friends. But most of them are either gay, much older, or part of a couple where I am friends with their gf's/ wives. This relationship feels somewhat different, but maybe it is just that I've always been in love with him.)

 

I have considered that talking to me is an ego boost for him, but for how much time he spends doing it, I have to believe he gets something more out of our conversations.

 

What are his intentions? Or is it just as simple as we're friends?

[SmartDude]

Oh hell yes you can actually be friends.

 

I had an ex who treated me horribly. There was physical abuse, gaslighting...you name it. We really loved each other though. But anyone who saw the end of our relationship would have thought that we would both hate each other for life after that.

 

Both of us ignored the "no contact" rule completely. So yea there were times when I would go see her after the break up. It was a long distance thing for awhile.

 

We just kept talking on the phone on a semi-regular basis.

 

Now we are totally just friends. She is one of my best friends in fact. I don't know what happened that made this possible. Perhaps it was experiencing such highs and lows together that makes it this way.

 

There is nothing she can say that will offend me now. I might even talk to her 2-3 times a week. There is nothing to hide because we have seen each other in such vulnerable exposed ways, we just really know each other inside and out.

 

So yep an actual friendship is possible. I tell her stuff I wouldn't even talk about with my guy friends. She calls for advice with her guy problems. Or sometimes we just talk about random stuff because one of us is bored and wants to talk.

 

Getting back together would be impossible though. There would just be no point to it.