Good news...?

[Mondmellonw]

My ex is now with his ex. The one who cheated him with multiple guys, during their 5 years RL. They got drunk at a party and had sex. He's been drunk for four days now.

 

 

Don't ask me how I knew all of this, we got a lot of friends in common.

He talked a lot of **** about her before we started dating, because he said he needed to make me see how little he did care about her for real. (Liar)

 

I found out two hours ago, I feel like crap...

Just needed to share this with you guys, cause I'm having mixed feelings of wanting to call him and tell him how much he sucks as a person.

Not only he lied about being a drunk, he lied about her all the ****ing time, and told me I was exagerating, I was crazy. I would not do this (contact him), but I feel like if someone has just thrown a knife on me.

 

Thanks for all the support.

[pickflicker]

Why are you feeling bad? He's been drunk for 4 days and is sleeping with the ex that cheated on him? How much does he hate himself?

 

I'd be laughing so hard someone would need to give me oxygen, lest I asphyxiate. I'd be enjoying this, if I were you.

[Trapito]

I'm very sorry you went through this and are hurting right now. It will get better, but it will take time.

 

When your ex was talking **** about his ex, it was to make himself feel better. Your gut was right. If you don't love an ex, you feel indifferent, not angry.

 

Don't call him, don't text him, don't send a pigeon along his way. When you get mad at him, he will justify that as a reason for the break up. Let him suffer alone with his ****ty ex gf and his drinking problem. He WILL hit rock bottom, and you will be above it by then. Don't give that asshat any power by contacting him, stay strong.

[chris21422]

That just mean he's in a sh*t condition and you should be happy.

[fixing]

Hahahahahahahaha, so he is drunk the last 4 days straight and he has gone running back to a cheating whore? Trolololol.

 

Win win situation no?

 

But, NO, never call the prick. He's not worth it.

 

Keep up the no contact!!!!!!! x

[Mondmellonw]

Why are you feeling bad? He's been drunk for 4 days and is sleeping with the ex that cheated on him? How much does he hate himself?

 

I'd be laughing so hard someone would need to give me oxygen, lest I asphyxiate. I'd be enjoying this, if I were you.

I see exactly what you say here.

 

Yes, I left him but contacted him when he had an accident, and asked him to talk (silly idiot me) but sended him another mssg saying "I don't want to ever see him again" short after, lol. I wish I never do that, but now I won't break the NC by any means.

 

 

He sucks ass.... You're right... Thanks a lot I've got what I wanted now: A reason to forget about him.

[Mondmellonw]

I'm very sorry you went through this and are hurting right now. It will get better, but it will take time.

 

When your ex was talking **** about his ex, it was to make himself feel better. Your gut was right. If you don't love an ex, you feel indifferent, not angry.

 

Don't call him, don't text him, don't send a pigeon along his way. When you get mad at him, he will justify that as a reason for the break up. Let him suffer alone with his ****ty ex gf and his drinking problem. He WILL hit rock bottom, and you will be above it by then. Don't give that asshat any power by contacting him, stay strong.

I would not.

When our relationship started he forgot his drinking days.

But it was all a lie... This experience is going to mean a lot if I learn from it.

Thank you.

[Mondmellonw]

That just mean he's in a sh*t condition and you should be happy.

Thank you, thanks to all of you

Thanks god I followed my gut feeling and left...

I just feel guilty for what I gave to him... And sad for the same... But this will pass, know I'm sure of it.

[Mondmellonw]

Hahahahahahahaha, so he is drunk the last 4 days straight and he has gone running back to a cheating whore? Trolololol.

 

Win win situation no?

 

But, NO, never call the prick. He's not worth it.

 

Keep up the no contact!!!!!!! x

Thanks, Fixing. I will not contact him.

He is now on his own terms... So am I.

I feel free now

[Trapito]

Stay strong! You can and will make it!

 

What an asshat! He will be scratching his head in the future, thinking 'How the hell did I end up with cheating bitch?' Meanwhile your life is full of fun stuff and you are happy.

[Mondmellonw]

Maybe not, I guess he likes the way he used to live.

He wanted to abuse me in many ways, like he used to abuse this girl.

Yes, she is a cheater, but he is an abuser.

I guess they're meant to be, and if he never opens his eyes it's none of my business.

That it's just not the kind of love I feel I deserve.

Thanks god this happened, I was convinced he was right when he told me I had serious mental problems. I will be fully happy.

Thanks Trapito.

[Trapito]

You are welcome!

 

It is your ex with the mental problems. Like you said: 'He is a abuser'. Block him in every way, so he can never (try) to abuse you again.

 

Regarding the asshat and his ex.. None of your business or problem. It is out of your hands. She is enabling his abuse, don't become her. Block him from ever contacting you again. You don't need that asshat in your life.

 

Oh, and he will probably try to contact you again, by giving you some small breadcrumb to keep you on the hook as a backup plan (aka ****buddy). Don't ever bite!

[Mondmellonw]

You are welcome!

 

It is your ex with the mental problems. Like you said: 'He is a abuser'. Block him in every way, so he can never (try) to abuse you again.

 

Regarding the asshat and his ex.. None of your business or problem. It is out of your hands. She is enabling his abuse, don't become her. Block him from ever contacting you again. You don't need that asshat in your life.

 

Oh, and he will probably try to contact you again, by giving you some small breadcrumb to keep you on the hook as a backup plan (aka ****buddy). Don't ever bite!

Hope not. I broke up with him and that is what at first made him say I was nuts.

For what I get now, he is used to abuse girls, and treat them as an object. He wanted to do the same, and couldn't, he got frustrated, I suppose.... Of course I had trouble, but at first it was cause I was blinded. I truly believed he was over that relationship. Truth is, he wasn't at all, he likes it and doesn't wants any help at all.

He never called while we were still on a relationship, haha, so it would be like: "are you f**** serious!?" I'll ignore him if that's the case.

 

Some days ago I was blaming myself for all. Now it's like hell no, I don't want that creep around me. Chances are I'll see him at school. He got graduated from there but still has some business on the place, same his cheating ex girl. Chances are I'll see them together...

 

They will only see a smiling person. I'll work on it....

[Trapito]

You are doing great!

 

Keep your game-face up. NEVER let them see you cry, they don't deserve your tears. Just know and smile, they have a ****ty future together. Good thing you broke up with that asshat. He is showing some real true colors here, he is maybe even trying to get you jealous. Don't bite! Just let him deal with the aftermath, I'm sure he won't enjoy the ride.

 

Don't blame yourself. Just get that asshat out of your fabulous aura! You deserve better.

[Mondmellonw]

You are doing great!

 

Keep your game-face up. NEVER let them see you cry, they don't deserve your tears. Just know and smile, they have a ****ty future together. Good thing you broke up with that asshat. He is showing some real true colors here, he is maybe even trying to get you jealous. Don't bite! Just let him deal with the aftermath, I'm sure he won't enjoy the ride.

 

Don't blame yourself. Just get that asshat out of your fabulous aura! You deserve better.

Thank you

I was still lost but when I knew this I woke up from a terrible, terrible nightmare.

I'm a little inexperienced... Or was, before all of this. I'm 20, he is 26.

Thank you, blessings

[mantlefan]

Maybe I'm not adding anything new here, but for me, it was and still is hard to realize that my ex is probably not good for me.

 

 

This makes it pretty clear he is not good for you, so maybe take some solace in the fact that he gave you an answer to a question you might still think about.

[Mondmellonw]

Maybe I'm not adding anything new here, but for me, it was and still is hard to realize that my ex is probably not good for me.

 

 

This makes it pretty clear he is not good for you, so maybe take some solace in the fact that he gave you an answer to a question you might still think about.

Yes, mantlefan, I understand what you're telling me. I felt like this.

I needed to be convinced about... Anything:

1) I was completely nuts and needed a therapist.

2) He was an alcoholic.

3) He left me for a party girl who said she was my friend and supported me during the BU.

4) He was abusive. (This was the hardest: cause I felt like I deserved his traits towards me, since I was feeling insecure about his past relationship with this cheating girl, I saw too many red flags, it was just my gut telling me I needed to step away from him, now I see it damn clearly).

 

 

And well, I couldn't convince myself of any of those till now.

And it was far worse than expected...

 

 

What is your case?

Edited January 4, 2014 by Mondmellonw

[mantlefan]

I tend to get long winded so here goes.

 

 

5 year RS, talking about marriage, but could not agree on kids.

She dumped me in July, seemed remorseful, thought it best for both of us, said she still loved me, but we wanted different things.

I sent her mean letters ("How could you love a baby you never met more than me?", etc.).

After a couple weeks, a lot of praying, soul searching, reaching out to friends, I realized that I do want kids.

I told her that, and she said her feelings were not the same, she hoped we could be friends, she for forgave me for my letters and understood I was upset, maybe we will get back together, she needs space, let's talk again in a few months, it's OK if you send me gifts and letters but don't bombard me. I guess in retrospect neither of us knew what we were doing (first serious relationship for us both)

We got along OK, even hanging out a couple times with mutual friends. In late August, I saw her flirting with my friend, and she noticed me look at her, and later by ourselves told me to ask what I wanted to ask. I asked if she and my friend were starting something, she said no.

We hang out a few times, and one night, late September, she stays after to talk to me. Reasons why it wasn't working, etc. We hug goodnight and she sleeps in a spare bedroom as it was too late to drive.

November, the few months (mentioned above) are up, and I want to talk. She doesn't feel in love, doesn't think it's going to happen again, we tried to be friends too soon, I should stop sending her things.

I don't talk to her for a month except for a few things about an organization we volunteer for, and maybe some small talk at the meetings for the org.

Late December I see her with my friend, the same one nothing was going on with, my other friend tells me he's seen them around town a lot.

I talk to the friend and it turns out she has been after him for a while, probably even when she told me they weren't starting anything. I even confided in this friend a few times over the last few months about the breakup with her, and he never told me, and now the two are in limbo of friends/dating apparently. He says he isn't sure if he wants to be with her. I tell him I hope he's sure before he gets with her, I still care about her, I hope he's serious about caring for her if he does try, and tell him that even though I want to still be friends it's probably the end of his and my friendship for at least a while.

Now I'm basically in NC with both of them.

 

So, even though she didn't do anything particularly heinous, looking back, I had and still have some respect problems, she isn't very honest (nor really a liar), and I am honest too much sometimes I think. And maybe this is like keeping score or comparing exes, but if that story starts to convince me we are not right for each other, as much as I love her, then your story should really convince you! At least I hope so. It's good that you know, as you've said before, that he's trouble. It still hard not to miss them, but I think if I am realizing what you've realized, we are both on our way.

Edited January 4, 2014 by mantlefan

[Mondmellonw]

I tend to get long winded so here goes.

 

 

5 year RS, talking about marriage, but could not agree on kids.

She dumped me in July, seemed remorseful, thought it best for both of us, said she still loved me, but we wanted different things.

I sent her mean letters ("How could you love a baby you never met more than me?", etc.).

After a couple weeks, a lot of praying, soul searching, reaching out to friends, I realized that I do want kids.

I told her that, and she said her feelings were not the same, she hoped we could be friends, she for forgave me for my letters and understood I was upset, maybe we will get back together, she needs space, let's talk again in a few months, it's OK if you send me gifts and letters but don't bombard me. I guess in retrospect neither of us knew what we were doing (first serious relationship for us both)

We got along OK, even hanging out a couple times with mutual friends. In late August, I saw her flirting with my friend, and she noticed me look at her, and later by ourselves told me to ask what I wanted to ask. I asked if she and my friend were starting something, she said no.

We hang out a few times, and one night, late September, she stays after to talk to me. Reasons why it wasn't working, etc. We hug goodnight and she sleeps in a spare bedroom as it was too late to drive.

November, the few months (mentioned above) are up, and I want to talk. She doesn't feel in love, doesn't think it's going to happen again, we tried to be friends too soon, I should stop sending her things.

I don't talk to her for a month except for a few things about an organization we volunteer for, and maybe some small talk at the meetings for the org.

Late December I see her with my friend, the same one nothing was going on with, my other friend tells me he's seen them around town a lot.

I talk to the friend and it turns out she has been after him for a while, probably even when she told me they weren't starting anything. I even confided in this friend a few times over the last few months about the breakup with her, and he never told me, and now the two are in limbo of friends/dating apparently. He says he isn't sure if he wants to be with her. I tell him I hope he's sure before he gets with her, I still care about her, I hope he's serious about caring for her if he does try, and tell him that even though I want to still be friends it's probably the end of his and my friendship for at least a while.

Now I'm basically in NC with both of them.

 

So, even though she didn't do anything particularly heinous, looking back, I had and still have some respect problems, she isn't very honest (nor really a liar), and I am honest too much sometimes I think. And maybe this is like keeping score or comparing exes, but if that story starts to convince me we are not right for each other, as much as I love her, then your story should really convince you! At least I hope so. It's good that you know, as you've said before, that he's trouble. It still hard not to miss them, but I think if I am realizing what you've realized, we are both on our way.

Well, you both look like people who can be together well, but not forever... Your goals are different from hers.

And that situation about your friend, well... Sounds like she is actually being disrespectful.

She is not interested on something that serious, and you were ready to settle down with her.

 

Oh, and he is not your friend. You're being way too much... good...

It only means you truly love her and respect her, but she is not giving what you deserve. You sound like a great man. Stay away from them, maybe she isn't trouble as my ex, but she is not in the lines you dream about.

 

See it this way: I'm sure you want/need to have a great woman by your side, who wants to have kids.

If she doesn't wants to have kids, then she wouldn't be a great mom neither.

[mantlefan]

Hey, sorry for my unclarity, I was trying to write short. I was the one who didn't want kids, not her.

 

 

I had to confront a lot of personal... demons in figuring that question out, and I was scared to do so until she broke up with me. I eventually realized I do want them.

 

 

Thanks for the advice. You're also the first person who believes I actually meant it when I told my friend I wanted him to be good to her. I want to be mad at them, but instead the worst it gets is just really missing her.

[Mondmellonw]

Hey, sorry for my unclarity, I was trying to write short. I was the one who didn't want kids, not her.

 

 

I had to confront a lot of personal... demons in figuring that question out, and I was scared to do so until she broke up with me. I eventually realized I do want them.

 

 

Thanks for the advice. You're also the first person who believes I actually meant it when I told my friend I wanted him to be good to her. I want to be mad at them, but instead the worst it gets is just really missing her.

Ohhhhh I get it now...

Would you take her back if she ended this "thing" she has with your friend?

You took this position cause you care about them, but more than that, cause you care about her.

I dunno. I don't like the fact she is with your friend, and I think that all you can really do by now is to try to forget this and stay NC.

She wanted the whole thing and now she is with one person who has been dear to you... To be honest, that doesn't says "I love you" at all.

[mantlefan]

Well, I just got in this site a few days ago, and it's really opening my eyes.

 

 

I think that both of us might have been going through a 1/4 life crisis or whatever. Also, our summer job that we had for 5 years together, where we met and fell in love, had a tough year and we were really short-tempered, more than we ever have been.

 

 

The friend she is dating was also really supportive to her, while I was retreating from the kids question, so there definitely may be something there influencing her attraction to him.

 

 

I feel like we have both grown a lot, and I think there is a lot to forgive for both of us, but I think we really could. I really believe we were great for each other, and could still be.

 

 

If she showed up right now, though, I would have to say no. Well that's not totally honest. I would have to say "not yet." We might still work together this summer, so I would say we should wait till after the summer. But that is wishful thinking, because it seems I have already been too clingy, honest, etc. with her.

 

 

I guess the thing that really makes me feel like she is not right for me is that I just don't think it's in her to really open up. I was very reserved until I met her and she cracked me like a walnut within a few days of meeting her. Once we started talking about kids though, I went back into my shell. And now I am out again, and I wish I wouldn't have gone back in. But I don't know. I know I really do love her. So that means walking away ASAP, and leaving her alone. Easier said than done of course.

[Mondmellonw]

Well, I just got in this site a few days ago, and it's really opening my eyes.

 

 

I think that both of us might have been going through a 1/4 life crisis or whatever. Also, our summer job that we had for 5 years together, where we met and fell in love, had a tough year and we were really short-tempered, more than we ever have been.

 

 

The friend she is dating was also really supportive to her, while I was retreating from the kids question, so there definitely may be something there influencing her attraction to him.

 

 

I feel like we have both grown a lot, and I think there is a lot to forgive for both of us, but I think we really could. I really believe we were great for each other, and could still be.

 

 

If she showed up right now, though, I would have to say no. Well that's not totally honest. I would have to say "not yet." We might still work together this summer, so I would say we should wait till after the summer. But that is wishful thinking, because it seems I have already been too clingy, honest, etc. with her.

 

 

I guess the thing that really makes me feel like she is not right for me is that I just don't think it's in her to really open up. I was very reserved until I met her and she cracked me like a walnut within a few days of meeting her. Once we started talking about kids though, I went back into my shell. And now I am out again, and I wish I wouldn't have gone back in. But I don't know. I know I really do love her. So that means walking away ASAP, and leaving her alone. Easier said than done of course.

It's not easy. I woke up feeling pretty badly.

Because every little thing I wanted to believe was true. He is dating my "friend", he had sex with his cheating ex, and he's been drunk for a while now.

I feel.... w*f

I don't know what is this. I don't know him.

I don't know if I can trust someone about this, so it's been very helpful to be here.

I feel like an idiot. Don't wanna play the martyr but this sucks.

 

 

... Mantlefan, the important thing now here is: Does she loves you?

[mantlefan]

I think deep down she cares about me, more than a lot of the people she cares about, but is also completely convinced I am no good for her. So I guess we are in a sort of emergency life-or-death interaction only situation. I don't know.

 

 

She is a pretty independent thinker but her best friend/roommate really likes the friend she is "seeing" and doesn't like me so much, plus my ex is going to be maid of honor in her best friend's wedding in the exact place where my ex and I were talking about getting married, so that environment probably breeds a lot of resentment in my ex for me.

 

 

I know what you mean about not wanting to play the martyr. I know I am anonymous here more or less but there are some things I want to share that I don't want to say to everyone. Might you want to move this conversation to email or private message? I am not sure how to get pm's to work on here.

[Mondmellonw]

Yeah, I would like to help you and get a little advice from you too.

But I don't know how to private-messaging here.