New poster, newly broken heart

January 3, 2014

So here I am. Married 20 years, in MC now and hoping for the best. Dday was about 6 weeks ago, when I overheard a phone conversation that confirmed my suspicions. By then I already had a name and phone number. I checked the cell phone records, did some research, and came up with a preliminary timeline.

Resisting my urge to immediately call a lawyer, I cooled down for a couple of days, then called my EAP and asked for a counselor. I had one solo session, then invited the WS to come to the next. She confessed to having been unhappy in the marriage for a long time. I told her I knew there was someone else, and asked her to break it off and come to counseling. She didn't confirm or deny the A, but agreed. A few days later (day after Thanksgiving) I caught WS texting AP, and confronted her, demanding that she break it off. I went out to pick up our daughter, and when I came back, she said she had and would do MC with me.

We've had a few MC sessions. I'm not sure if we're making any progress yet, although we've been getting along very well since we had it out and cleared the air. I don't know if she's kept to NC or not, and I've resisted the compulsion to check phone records because I just don't want to see it.

More later. I'm having a very difficult time with this.

January 3, 2014

Any idea how long it was going on for?

Don't be afraid to lay down the law and tell her she needs to go NC with the OM. If she is in contact with him AT ALL you are just doing fake reconciliation.

My heart goes out to you my friend. This is a great place to gather information and vent.

Good luck.

January 3, 2014

((((BOR))))

I am so sorry. Infidelity stinks. Selfish spouses stink.

I am 2-1/2 years out and am still having a difficult time wrapping my mind around the extreme selfishness, cowardness, and magnitude of lies. I have decided not to reconcile, but it doesn't make the situation any easier to live with.

I offer several suggestions:

1) don't do MC yet - it's not worth it until you know for sure that the affair is over and she is remorseful, which does not happen in six weeks.

2) don't stop checking records and trying to find evidence. I know that each discovery is painful, but it is the only way to truly know your reality. She lied to you - a lot. She will likely continue to lie to you to protect herself or to continue the affair. You have to assume that she cannot be believed and you must act accordingly for your own preservation.

3) focus on YOU and your children, if you have any. You need time and space to wrap your mind around the situation and to grieve.

Take care. I am so sorry that you are here.

January 3, 2014

You need to find out who the MM or OM is and contact their spouse if they are married and really out the affair.

Your wife needs to be truly remorseful and really ready to work with you to fix the marriage and herself. You both are responsible for problems in the marriage, though it's ALL ON HER on how she handled it by going outside of the marriage. She chose to go about the problems by cheating and that is NOT your fault at all. It's all hers.

Chances are (and I'm sorry to say this) she is still in contact with him on some level. The actual affair could be over but the contact and feelings haven't ended.

Stand up to your wife and make it clear to her that it's you, the family unit and marriage, ALL contact must end with the other guy OR she can pack a bag and move out. You stay in the house and with your daughter.

Sorry you're going through this.

January 3, 2014

How old is your daughter? How many kids do the two of you have?

January 4, 2014

Embrace investigating. You will either find that the affair has ended (good for both of you) or you'll find that it hasn't (which you'll need to know). Getting out of this mess and into reconciliation is done via honesty and transparency. Keep reading and posting.

January 4, 2014

Isn't it interesting? The wife is "unhappy in the marriage" so naturally, instead of sitting down with her spouse and working on their problems, she immediately turns to OM for solace and support. How touching! And reading the OP's comments, I don't see any remorse on her part. It's kind of, darn it, he caught me. Oh well, guess I'd better cool it for awhile 'til it all blows over. Please pardon the sarcasm, but since I've started lurking, reading, and then responding on LS I've seen this time and again. People have forgotten how to communicate with each other. How can a marriage survive if the partners don't talk to each other and head off problems before they lead to this? Is this particular wife so burned out on her marriage that she's willing to risk everything to be with another man? Sorry to be ranting. Sometimes I get so depressed at the levels of betrayal I see here. This husband needs good advice to help him get through this. I don't see a lot of help coming from his WW.

January 4, 2014

BoxOfRain,

I am so sorry this is your life now and hope you will find some peace of mind, a calm center, in the midst of the emotional tornado that might be raging inside.

Please heed the advice here and go against what feels natural. Namely trusting your spouse for what she says and believing your obvious pain will dissuade her from continuing the affair.

Your view of your marriage, your life together, your family and all that means to you is NOT shared by your wife as evidenced by her actions.

An affair is like a drug especially one that is ongoing. And if you can't trust an addict then you can't trust a person caught in an affair. Her rational mind may as well be on Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Protect your family -- you and your children -- and don't wait for your married wife to make a decision between something worth dying for and a dalliance with another man.

Wishing you 'a box of rain to ease your pain and love to see you through.' Grateful Dead

January 4, 2014

Isn't it interesting? The wife is "unhappy in the marriage" so naturally, instead of sitting down with her spouse and working on their problems, she immediately turns to OM for solace and support. How touching! And reading the OP's comments, I don't see any remorse on her part. It's kind of, darn it, he caught me. Oh well, guess I'd better cool it for awhile 'til it all blows over. Please pardon the sarcasm, but since I've started lurking, reading, and then responding on LS I've seen this time and again. People have forgotten how to communicate with each other. How can a marriage survive if the partners don't talk to each other and head off problems before they lead to this? Is this particular wife so burned out on her marriage that she's willing to risk everything to be with another man? Sorry to be ranting. Sometimes I get so depressed at the levels of betrayal I see here. This husband needs good advice to help him get through this. I don't see a lot of help coming from his WW.

No kidding, right? "I'm having problems in my marriage. Maybe this other man's penis in my vagina will help."

My wife told me that she'd been unhappy for years, that she thought we should separate, that she needed time, and that it might be too late. I spent the next three weeks fixing any complaint she might have. I was determined and successful. But I knew that our problems didn't add up to divorce. I investigated and found her year-long affair.

She said she felt stupid for never talking to me. Yup. One conversation is all it would have taken.

January 4, 2014

BoxofRain sending you a man hug (((BoxofRain))). You don't know how deep the rabbit hole is yet, by not denying it you know it happened. Regardless if you decide to reconcile or not you need to talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights and how to protect the rights of your children. Get tested, assume the worst has happened, you both need to be tested for STD's, they always lie about using protection. If she is serious about ending her affair, have the No Contact letter in writing, one that you approve and send it together(remember, she is a liar, you can't trust her word and you don't know if she has taken the affair underground yet). Have her write out a timeline of events, how it started, when, how many times, does she love him, you need to know all the facts so she doesn't TT (trickle truth), each time you learn something new your taken back to day 1 of discovery, same pain. They will usually only confess to what you already know, you need all the truth or reconciliation will not work

Is the O/M married, his wife needs to be told, she deserves the right to make her own decision regarding her cheating spouse, by keeping it from her you become their accomplice in the affair. Tell your wife what you need to keep this marriage together, transparency, passwords, No Contact with O/M and independent counselling is an absolute requirement, she needs to find out why she allowed herself the approval to have an affair, why she needs validation from O/M and not you. The affair has nothing to do with you or your marriage, something is broken in her and it needs to be fixed or nothing you can hope to accomplish in marriage counselling will work. You can't fix a broken car with broken parts, your just going to have the same problems further down the highway.

January 4, 2014

No kidding, right? "I'm having problems in my marriage. Maybe this other man's penis in my vagina will help."

Happiness by injection. What could go wrong?

There's plenty of backstory here, and a lot of it is jumbled. I don't want to just unload a tl;dr post, so I'm putting it out in chunks.

Three kids, ages 10-17. The middle child has severe mental health issues, and spent almost a year out of our house between juvie, hospital, and residential. She warned me a year ago that my wife was cheating, and all I could say was "it's none of your business, keep the focus on yourself." Shoulda listened.

Just when our daughter was locked up in October 2012, WW started with OM 1.0 by way of Ashley Madison. That affair lasted 9 months. After a short break, she found OM 2.0, also courtesy of Ms. Madison. That's the one I discovered. He's not the brightest bulb—he viewed my LinkedIn profile, and that's when I started connecting dots (although I was suspicious for months before). So, two affairs, 13 months until Dday.

I'm not optimistic, but after 20 years & 3 kids, I'm not ready to go nuclear and file for D until I've tried MC. Other than the counselor, my support comes from my sponsor and friends in A.A.

January 4, 2014

Is the O/M married, his wife needs to be told, she deserves the right to make her own decision regarding her cheating spouse, by keeping it from her you become their accomplice in the affair.

I put together a package for OM 2.0's BS on Thursday, but decided to sit on it for the weekend. It has a photo of the happy couple (apparently they're not too bright), and an excerpt of the phone bill. I blacked out WW's name and part of her phone number. The only contact info I have for the other BS is a work address, so I will be mailing it there. Should I provide her with my contact info in case she has questions?

Just after Dday I emailed three of OM 2.0's siblings and said they should talk to their brother about paying more attention to his own wife and less attention to other people's wives. One wrote back saying "Do it yourself. I'm not my brother's keeper." My reply was "I would but he's too much of a p***y to answer the phone when I call."

OM 1.0 is divorced (no surprise there). Using my "troll" account, I emailed his naked selfie photo to his boss and several of his coworkers.

January 4, 2014

Yeah this is tough. She found her AP's om ashley Madison? Not they any affair is good, but this isn't someone that was working closely with her AP or developed a friendship that crossed boundaries or anything. She was actively looking for one and ended up with 2.

You have a long road ahead of you. It won't be easy, but she has to figure out why she is actively seeking relationships outside your marriage. There is something really broken here and regardless of the outcome IC is definitely needed.

I am so sorry.

January 4, 2014

I put together a package for OM 2.0's BS on Thursday, but decided to sit on it for the weekend. It has a photo of the happy couple (apparently they're not too bright), and an excerpt of the phone bill. I blacked out WW's name and part of her phone number. The only contact info I have for the other BS is a work address, so I will be mailing it there. Should I provide her with my contact info in case she has questions?

Just after Dday I emailed three of OM 2.0's siblings and said they should talk to their brother about paying more attention to his own wife and less attention to other people's wives. One wrote back saying "Do it yourself. I'm not my brother's keeper." My reply was "I would but he's too much of a p***y to answer the phone when I call."

OM 1.0 is divorced (no surprise there). Using my "troll" account, I emailed his naked selfie photo to his boss and several of his coworkers.

Yes you should give them your contact information. Something from an anonymous source doesn't mean much. However, I would be careful about sending stuff to this man's employer. I am not well versed in law, but I would be concerned about backlash. I think I would keep the mans's siblings out of it as well. Just get in contact with the wife. That is most important.

January 4, 2014

I just figured he was so proud of his body that his coworkers should enjoy it too.

Revised package is going out to OM 2.0's wife on Monday.

January 4, 2014

I just figured he was so proud of his body that his coworkers should enjoy it too.

Revised package is going out to OM 2.0's wife on Monday.

This made me laugh, hope his eyes were squinted, LOL. Yes, give your contact info, let her know you have evidence that you are willing to share with her. She went hunting for someone to cheat with. Do not have unprotected sex with her until you have both been tested. If they are all from that Infidelity Troll dating site who knows how many sexual partners they have had and this wasn't a one time event, she went 9 months with one cowboy. I can guarantee they were not using protection. Expose other men, you owe them nothing, your relationship is with your wife. Sounds like she is going to need a lot of professional help, hope your both up for it.

Keep copies of everything including her listing on the dating site, you still don't know how this is going to turn out yet. Keep copies at your work, give copies in a sealed envelope to a family member you can trust, keep them where she can't get a hold of them. This is not just about falling for another man, this is about trolling for sex on a cheaters dating site. Has she sent pictures or video's of herself to these men, if so who knows who all has this info now. Nothing stopping her lovers from doing the same thing, posting it to your family and friends, be prepared for some retaliation. Your daughter will need counselling, she knew her mother was already cheating a year ago. Don't tell your wife your sources of information, don't tell her your sending O/M's wife a package so you can see if they contact each other.

Edited January 4, 2014 by aliveagain

January 5, 2014

Ok, you say after 20 years and 3 kids you aren't ready for divorce. Why are you painting yourself into an emotional corner like this? Your wife is a SERIAL cheater! No one on this forum would advise you to try to reconcile with a woman like your wife. No one. She's sick and you are the one who's going to suffer from her sickness. Kick her out of your house ASAP and file for divorce. Hold your children close to you and help them understand why mommy is gone. At their ages they deserve to know the truth about their mom and why dad is not going to live with her anymore. This is a "can't lose" strategy as either your cheating wife will come crawling back to you ready to do anything to make it up to you or the bitch will be gone for good. Taking a weak, passive approach to this will only make things worse for you.

January 5, 2014

Ok, you say after 20 years and 3 kids you aren't ready for divorce. Why are you painting yourself into an emotional corner like this? Your wife is a SERIAL cheater! No one on this forum would advise you to try to reconcile with a woman like your wife. No one. She's sick and you are the one who's going to suffer from her sickness. Kick her out of your house ASAP and file for divorce. Hold your children close to you and help them understand why mommy is gone. At their ages they deserve to know the truth about their mom and why dad is not going to live with her anymore. This is a "can't lose" strategy as either your cheating wife will come crawling back to you ready to do anything to make it up to you or the bitch will be gone for good. Taking a weak, passive approach to this will only make things worse for you.

There is some real truth in this post. You should know that a passive approach is not effective in keeping your marriage together. My recommendation is to ask her to leave, file for divorce, and if you see true remorse (which is a technical term in my book, with a lot of requirements), then you can consider halting the proceedings. Anything short of this tends to be devaluing you, sends that message to her, and that is not something you should do. Sadly, it's commonly a first instinct for us (embrace forgiveness, save the marriage, blah blah blah) as we try to do damage control but ultimately, it makes things worse. A strong approach keeps your self-respect intact, is more attractive, and can be a real wake-up call for your wife.

January 5, 2014

I have a phone consultation scheduled with a lawyer first thing tomorrow morning. I'm not sure I can legally throw her out of the house because it's joint property, but I'll find out. I don't know what to tell the kids, but probably nothing until she's served.

January 5, 2014

So here I am. Married 20 years, in MC now and hoping for the best. Dday was about 6 weeks ago, when I overheard a phone conversation that confirmed my suspicions. By then I already had a name and phone number. I checked the cell phone records, did some research, and came up with a preliminary timeline.

Resisting my urge to immediately call a lawyer, I cooled down for a couple of days, then called my EAP and asked for a counselor. I had one solo session, then invited the WS to come to the next. She confessed to having been unhappy in the marriage for a long time. I told her I knew there was someone else, and asked her to break it off and come to counseling. She didn't confirm or deny the A, but agreed. A few days later (day after Thanksgiving) I caught WS texting AP, and confronted her, demanding that she break it off. I went out to pick up our daughter, and when I came back, she said she had and would do MC with me.

We've had a few MC sessions. I'm not sure if we're making any progress yet, although we've been getting along very well since we had it out and cleared the air. I don't know if she's kept to NC or not, and I've resisted the compulsion to check phone records because I just don't want to see it.

More later. I'm having a very difficult time with this.

So you caught her texting the dude after she agreed to counselling. So umm..why bother any further? She doesn't respect or love you, she loves getting slammed by this other dude more then she loves you. Take your daughter and run the hell away from such a person. She can stay and be happy with the OM who of course has so much respect for your wife, being the decent kind person she is so of course I'm sure the guy would love to take her off your hands for you. After all what guy doesn't dream of settling down with the woman who betrayed her husband for him? I know it is personally a deal breaker for me if any woman I meet hasn't caused utter betrayal and heartbreak to her family via her selfish actions.

January 5, 2014

I have a phone consultation scheduled with a lawyer first thing tomorrow morning. I'm not sure I can legally throw her out of the house because it's joint property, but I'll find out. I don't know what to tell the kids, but probably nothing until she's served.

Good move on the attorney. I highly encourage you to gather up a retainer and ask him to file for you. It's a bold statement that needs to be made. Again, if you see true remorse, you can always halt the proceedings. That's healthy.

As for kicking her out, no, that's not likely to be legal. Some people pack their bags and tell them to go anyway. Or you could simply ask her to leave; a truly remorseful wayward spouse will get it and give you your space. I've also heard of BSs requesting "exclusive use of the marital home" as part of the filing. All good things to discuss with your atty.

You won't get a consistent response here about what the children should be told. Personally, I think the details are best left out. My kids don't even know their mother had an affair and I think they're better off for it (for a variety of reasons). Others believe passionately in being truthful with the kids and they have decent arguments, too. I would advise caution while you're emotional because you can't untell them.

Good luck. You should be proud that you're gaining personal strength quickly. Don't accept unacceptable behavior and look for actions, rather than words.

January 7, 2014

How did your attorney consult go?

January 7, 2014

How did your attorney consult go?

Cheaper to keep her. Go no-fault and lose half, or claim adultery and go to trial, pissing away assets on legal fees to tip the settlement in my favor. Maybe I should find some tail on the side and call it a day.

January 7, 2014

It won't be cheaper to you emotionally. Are you sure she is NC? Is she being completely transparent?

January 7, 2014

Maybe I should find some tail on the side and call it a day.

Not good. The way your luck is running, she would find out, call the cops, say you shoved her, have you hauled away in cuffs and she cleans you out.

IMO, quit playing games and unload her. She's not a keeper and will only make life harder than it already is. Good luck.

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