Difficult Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Hi all, Recently one of my best friends confessed that she has been having an affair with a married man. I understand why she didn't tell me - as she thought I would judge her and disapprove, and while I do not agree with the affair, I think this is something she needs to figure out for herself i.e. whether to continue or stop. She has lied to me about it for the past 2 years now, it's not so much she denied the affair but the subsequent lies that she used to cover it up. We see each other almost every day and we spend a lot of time together. She knows everything about me, so what hurts more is the fact that while I was thinking this is my best friend, we share everything, she was actually lying to me repeatedly. I am at the point where I cannot even bare to look at her, I know this may sound awful but I have been a loyal friend to her, and I just feel so betrayed. Also since she has told me, she has come to be as a shoulder to cry on when things have not being going too well with her relationship. I know, as a friend, I should be there for her, but it just made me feel used. Am I over reacting - what would you guys do? Thanks in advance for your help.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 She was scared to tell you, that you would judge her and maybe walk away. Look, give her the benefit of doubt, affairs are messy and many people DO end friendships or distance themselves who participate in affairs, if you care about her, feel the friendship is worthy of still having, then stick around and forgive her for not telling you. But, with that said, you need to decide what kind of support and shoulder you want to be to her. How involved you want to get or if you are okay with her decision to have an affair with a MM. If you can't handle it, think she's making a mistake and she should end it, and she's not ready to it'll be hard to be in her life knowing what you know. Anyway, be honest with her about how you feel and why. And, let her know that you do care but hate to see her hurting. You could ask her to post on this site and post in the OW/OM section so she can gain some insight into what she's up against by having an A with a married man.
GG3 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 For myself, i do not feel my friends are entitled to any of my secrets or personal information. I feel the same way about them. If they choose to share things with me, that's a priviledge, not a right. Whatever her reasons were, she did not feel comfortable telling you. Maybe she didn't feel comfortable telling anyone. I think the only thing i would worry about if i were in your position is how much are you willing to listen to her problems about her relationship if she wants to vent. I think it would be hard to be supportive of someone that is knowingly putting their hand on a hot burner and complaining about the heat.
almond Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 She kept this from you due to shame and fear of judgement. Tell her that you feel hurt that she could not confide in you. Explain how you feel. Hopefully you can repair your friendship and support each other. She's obviously going through a hard time with herself, and the help of a good friend may be the thing to guide her toward making more honorable and fulfilling life choices. If you are against the affair, tell her so. Tell her that you do not respect her actions, and do not wish to hear about the details. Make sure she knows that when she is ready to help herself and get out of it, that you are there for her. Make it clear that this news does not make you care about her any less. 1
Author Difficult Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Hi all, Thank you for all your responses. Whicwayisup and almond - I agree, I know it is a difficult thing to divulge especially having known how I feel about these things generally. I guess I will have to let her know that while I do not agree, I do not want to see her hurt and set clear boundaries as to how much I would like to be involved / know. Although, I already feel myself distancing myself from her so it might be a challenge. GG3, while I agree that It should not be a case of being entitled to your friends secrets, in this case it is a bit different, with my best friends, we share everything (well at least I think we do). Now it feels like she isn't the person I thought she was.
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