Raena Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I don't understand what I'm feeling right now. My ex and I split up about 3 months ago now. It was a long torturous process where his OW made fun of me and taunted me and then now he's doing the same. The both of them have been going out of their way to make DARN sure I know that they love each other and are meant to be together. So, yeah, that stuff hurt, but I was mollified by the fact that I know things about him that she doesn't know yet. I know he will hurt her the same way he hurt me. He already has and she keeps running back to him. That isn't really my point though. The only reason why I mention it is because, overall, I've handled it relatively well. I did make a scene once when he wouldn't give me the tags to the car so that I could get it off my insurance, but otherwise, I've left them alone. I've done the best I could to just move on. In the meantime, I have been chatting via text message with this guy that I had sort of kind of dated back when my ex and I split up 6 years ago. I say "sort of kind of" because it never really went anywhere. I wasn't really interested in dating him because I was having conflicting emotions over my ex at the time. We mostly hung out as friends. We did kiss one night and I did sleep at his house, in his bed, several times. Nothing else ever happened. He said he wasn't interested in a committed relationship at the time because he had just gotten out of a very long term relationship. I was in the same position and so we just kept each other company but nothing came of it. I did, however, like him quite a bit. I tried to hide my feelings back then because I knew that he didn't want anything, so I didn't let it happen. I also didn't know what I wanted to do about my ex. He had cheated and I didn't want to be with him, but I still had feelings for him and he was my son's father. Push came to shove and after much begging and pleading, I finally decided to work things out with the ex. I told this other guy at the time what was going on and he was cool with it. We remained friends on fb and saw each other around town a few times. No big deal. Now, when he saw me change my fb status, he contacted me. We have been texting pretty much every day since then. We talk about everything under the sun except for what is going on in my life with my ex. The thing is, it's been 3 months. He hasn't asked to see me. He hasn't called me. I started to realize that I was the one initiating all of our messaging each day. I wasn't giving him a chance to be the one to initiate. So I stopped. I didn't hear from him for a few days. He works, a LOT. He tells me this interferes with his ability to date because he just isn't available most of the time. I can't tell what's going on. Is he into me or am I just making this out to be more than it is? So, I stopped texting him. He hasn't contacted me in two days. It feels like a lifetime. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed our conversations until they just stopped. Then I realized that all signs are pointing to... he just isn't that into me, like that book with the same title says. He responds, usually pretty quickly when I do text him, but he never starts the conversation. We've talked about EVERYTHING. Love, sex, boring work stuff, mutual interests, darwinism, you name it, we have talked about it. I just can't quite bring myself to ask him if he's interested in me. I don't think he is, but I keep telling myself that if he isn't, then why does he keep responding to me? I don't want to be the aggressor but I feel like I've been throwing myself at him and it's embarrassing. Anyhow, so I've stopped and he hasn't said a thing to me. HOLY COW does it HURT. I feel like I've been rejected and for some reason, it hurts more than my ex cheating on me. What is that? I'm not sure if I should be posting in the infidelity forums about this, but I was hoping that some of the people who have been following me will notice and be more aware of what I've been through and give some insight as to what in the world I am doing to myself. I really like this guy. We have SO much in common. But I don't know how to handle all of this without looking like a darn fool.
harrybrown Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I do not know this friend of yours. Sometimes, my job is overwhelming. There are certain times of the year, when I have to work a lot of overtime to get the job done. My clients are my bosses. I have to meet the deadlines. I do not know what makes your friend so busy. However, I am not a mind reader. I would come right out and ask him. It does take time to get over a relationship and after some experiences, some of us here are extremely distrustful. If he is still trying to get over some bad experiences, he could have a wall built around him. The only way you will know is if you ask him. If this one does not work out, there are more fish in the sea. Do not give up. I do hope 2014 is a better kinder year to you. 6
Author Raena Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Harry, he works for the local sheriff's department, nights, weekends, sometimes double shifts, etc. When he is at work he can sometimes chat, and sometimes not. It depends on what is going on. I should probably keep in mind that there was a pretty big snowstorm here and he's probably very busy. However, I can see where he keeps logging into fb. He just hasn't taken the time to message me. I don't know, maybe he really is just too busy. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe I'm coming across as desperate. I don't know. I think I'm afraid to ask him. It would really hurt if he came right out and said "No, not interested."
veryhappy Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 It's not clear to me if you're divorced yet. Maybe this guy is giving you space to progress at your pace? After all, he was the one to contact you post fb status change. I don't know if he's ready to commit now, but if you haven't changed drastically I'm sure he's interested in some sort of relationship. He was 6 years ago. I say ask him to dinner and see if it turns romantic or not. Rejection hurts, but don't became afraid because what happened with your ex and the OW. 3
compulsivedancer Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 It sounds like you're playing games. If you want to talk to him, talk to him. If you want to know whether he likes you, ask. He may very well be letting you set the pace, since you're in a similar position to 6 years ago. He may he scared of getting hurt! You won't know until you talk to him about it. 4
Author Raena Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 It's not clear to me if you're divorced yet. Maybe this guy is giving you space to progress at your pace? After all, he was the one to contact you post fb status change. I don't know if he's ready to commit now, but if you haven't changed drastically I'm sure he's interested in some sort of relationship. He was 6 years ago. I say ask him to dinner and see if it turns romantic or not. Rejection hurts, but don't became afraid because what happened with your ex and the OW. I was never married to my ex. It felt like we were, but we never took that step. I just felt like I fit in better in this forum than some of the others so I posted here. See though... I thought he might have been interested 6 years ago too. His actions spoke volumes, but in words he told me he wasn't looking for a commitment. Hmm. Ask him to dinner. Interesting. Aren't I suppose to wait and let him do that? I've never really been the one to pursue a man, but with this one I can't seem to help myself. 1
Author Raena Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 It sounds like you're playing games. If you want to talk to him, talk to him. If you want to know whether he likes you, ask. He may very well be letting you set the pace, since you're in a similar position to 6 years ago. He may he scared of getting hurt! You won't know until you talk to him about it. I'm not playing games at all. I've pretty much bared my soul to him. I don't see him taking the bait really. Or I could be reading too much into it. I don't know. Maybe it's too soon and I just need to cool my jets.
winterpast Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Sounds like he is interested since he responds in a timely manner when you initiate contact but he may just be taking it slow. Some men don't like to jump into relationships right away. Just take it easy and slow with him. 2
thinkingofhim Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I think you should ask him to dinner (or lunch? less pressure). If a connection happens, good, and if not it will still be nice to catch up. He may be afraid of being used as a rebound, and keeping a bit of distance for that reason. A friend of mine was pursued pretty aggressively by a man who had JUST gotten out of a long term relationship. While they chatted all the time she made him cool his heels for 6 months before she would date him. She told me she liked him very much but was leery of becoming a rebound gf. They are now happily married 3
compulsivedancer Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Not contacting him in order to see if he contacts you is the definition of playing games. This often doesn't work, because the man does not know the rules of the game and can't play back effectively. So he hasn't contacted you in two days? What does that mean? Potentially nothing. If you want to talk to him, contact him and see if he's interested. You did the leaving last time (in a similar situation), so you will have to be the one to prove you mean it this time. 3
Author Raena Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Not contacting him in order to see if he contacts you is the definition of playing games. This often doesn't work, because the man does not know the rules of the game and can't play back effectively. So he hasn't contacted you in two days? What does that mean? Potentially nothing. If you want to talk to him, contact him and see if he's interested. You did the leaving last time (in a similar situation), so you will have to be the one to prove you mean it this time. This. You are probably right. I did contact him tonight. Just asked if he was working. He said he wasn't and asked what I was up to. I told him I was just getting ready to put my son to bed and could talk after that and he said ok. Came back 15 minutes or so later and he didn't respond to me. I asked him if he fell asleep. No response. I had myself all geared up to ask him some of these burning questions but when he didn't respond, I didn't want to be naggy or overbearing. I just figured he probably fell asleep. I fell asleep myself not long after that and then woke up a few hours later. I logged in to fb and could see that he had been on fb about an hour after I texted him last. I'm not really sure if that timing stuff on there is accurate, but I assume it is. That means he saw what I wrote and didn't bother to respond. This has happened before and is why I'm wondering if I should just not initiate conversations all the time. NOW... if he doesn't ever come back and say something, how long do I wait? Or isn't that my clue that he isn't all that into me? Aargh, I'm beginning to hate text messaging and social media. 1
compulsivedancer Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 :/ yeah, the whole thing sucks. Can you call instead? I don't know if the people on the dating forum area would have more helpful responses.
Artie Lang Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) i don't think you're being rejected by this guy. it only feels that way because you are in an emotionally vulnerable position right now and are reading into things. i agree with CD in that maybe you should be more engaging. that's the only way you'll find out where his head is really at. as to your douchebag ex and his classless floozy, it goes to show you there are some real POS out there. Edited January 4, 2014 by Artie Lang 4
dichotomy Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) I will take a contrary position. He is just not that into you. You have been initiating, you have talked about everything in you mind and heart....including sex. Then you tried stopping messaging him....and nothing from him for several days? He is just not that into you. NOT that he rejects you or does not like you or is not fond of you, but he is not THAT into you. If some recently single woman, who I am attracted too... is messaging me for a long time, and is bringing up sex..and then goes off line - I don't care how busy I am ...if I am sending an email or text to ask how she is doing. It is very soon for you...but at some point you need to consider OLD or getting out there. But this won't be the last "attention dance" you engage in once you are out there with other guys, work on your esteem and understand you WILL get some very enthusiastic attention at some point from some men, but your going to have instances like this too. After my first divorce I was a bit too sensitive to this stuff, but I get the game now. Edited January 4, 2014 by dichotomy 3
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I think you need to just chill for awhile. Take time to just be comfortable with you and your son. You friend is always going to be busy and work long hours, that is just what someone in his occupation does, its all about the job. I suggest that you try exercise to help relieve the stress, try a hobby to meet new people and become a more interesting individual. Network with friends and family to meet new people and they can also help you thin the herd a little, so you don't have to waste time. It is sometimes amazing what you find when you are really looking. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Raena, You're overly invested emotionally and seeking external validation with this guy because the last one made you feel worthless. You are not worthless. He was a douchebag. If there's anyone that proved that himself, it's your ex. You didn't deserve that treatment. What you're doing is normal. I sought out a new SO right away, too. We all want to feel loved. But keep using your brain and try not to let your emotions get carried away. Be smart. You may have to date lots of guys before you find the right one. This guy might turn out to be a good one, or a bad one, or he might just not be ready himself. But don't let it be about rejection of you - you're just plain ripe for internalizing it and you shouldn't do that. This is why people tell us to wait a year, so that we're not desperate for the next relationship but picking it for the right reasons. I don't blame you for seeking a relationship right away but you do need to take the pressure off of yourself. If it doesn't work out, you need to be ok being on your own. If it does work, it's a bonus. It's natural that you feel this way. But keep using logic to understand the psychology of what's happened to your self-esteem. Don't let the negative emotions control you because you don't deserve that. Ask the guy out or don't. But be ok with yourself either way. 4
Author Raena Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Raena, You're overly invested emotionally and seeking external validation with this guy because the last one made you feel worthless. You are not worthless. He was a douchebag. If there's anyone that proved that himself, it's your ex. You didn't deserve that treatment. What you're doing is normal. I sought out a new SO right away, too. We all want to feel loved. But keep using your brain and try not to let your emotions get carried away. Be smart. You may have to date lots of guys before you find the right one. This guy might turn out to be a good one, or a bad one, or he might just not be ready himself. But don't let it be about rejection of you - you're just plain ripe for internalizing it and you shouldn't do that. This is why people tell us to wait a year, so that we're not desperate for the next relationship but picking it for the right reasons. I don't blame you for seeking a relationship right away but you do need to take the pressure off of yourself. If it doesn't work out, you need to be ok being on your own. If it does work, it's a bonus. It's natural that you feel this way. But keep using logic to understand the psychology of what's happened to your self-esteem. Don't let the negative emotions control you because you don't deserve that. Ask the guy out or don't. But be ok with yourself either way. I bolded this.... I burst into tears when I read that. Yes, you are right. That is exactly what I'm doing here. I just couldn't figure out how to verbalize it. I do feel worthless(sometimes), my ex made damn sure I did.
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I bolded this.... I burst into tears when I read that. Yes, you are right. That is exactly what I'm doing here. I just couldn't figure out how to verbalize it. I do feel worthless(sometimes), my ex made damn sure I did. Yes, he did. I'm sorry he treated you so poorly. It baffles the mind. But do your best not to let him ruin your self-image. What he did really is on him. It's easier to see when you're not one of the participants. But keep using that brain of yours. You're a smart woman and that's what's helped you keep your head thru all of this. I think you're remarkably strong considering what crappy treatment they've dished out. Be proud of yourself. They are the idiots here. 3
Author Raena Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Ok, so I asked him and now it's all clear. He said he's "in and out of something right now". I don't know what that means specifically and I don't need to. All I need to know is that he isn't really available. We talked some more and it's pretty clear that we won't be talking anymore. It hurts, it does. But it's for the best. Now I can't hide behind this anymore and I have to just deal with the bs my ex is putting me through alone.
aliveagain Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 When I don't respond to someone I am definitely trying to tell them I'm not interested in a relationship. He may be looking for a friends with benefits relationship, is that possible? If so he is just another predator looking for prey. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Ok, so I asked him and now it's all clear. He said he's "in and out of something right now". I don't know what that means specifically and I don't need to. All I need to know is that he isn't really available. We talked some more and it's pretty clear that we won't be talking anymore. It hurts, it does. But it's for the best. Now I can't hide behind this anymore and I have to just deal with the bs my ex is putting me through alone. I'm glad he was honest with you, although it's a bit sketchy that he wasn't earlier. I'm glad you had the courage to have the conversation. Good. You still have your virtual friends here, Raena. A romantic relationship will come to you. Give it time. 6
krazikat Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Hugs Raena! Like other posters have said, your ex is a donkey. He is an asshat. A man-child...actually, that is offensive to children...hes a loser girl. Not you. Do not jump into another relationship or involve yourself with another man. Not yet. As tempting as it is, you need time to recover and love yourself. That way when you are ready you will be able to give/receive the best love. For now, take time for you. What hobbies do you like that have been put on the back burner? What about an exercize class or yoga? Yoga is pretty damn awesome amd good for stress and relaxation....boxing is good for anger. I love kock boxing/boxing for anger. Get that anger energy out and benefit with an awesome body to show for it. You will be fine, girl. Hang in there, and love yourself. 2
Author Raena Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 I'm glad he was honest with you, although it's a bit sketchy that he wasn't earlier. I'm glad you had the courage to have the conversation. Good. You still have your virtual friends here, Raena. A romantic relationship will come to you. Give it time. Yeah I thought it a bit strange that he talked to me about the things we talked about if he's really trying to be with someone else. I don't get that, but I am glad he was honest. Now I don't sit here wondering what in the world is going on. Truth is, I'm not really ready for a relationship. I know that. I have some work to do first. If it had been any other guy, I wouldn't have even considered it but because we had a history together that seemed unfinished I thought maybe fate was intervening. He does seem to show up in my life every time I'm going through difficult situations. He was around when I got divorced years ago too, although we weren't close, we did talk a bit back then too. Silly me romanticized it all. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I love kock boxing/boxing for anger. Note to self...do not piss off krazikat. 2
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