drr6 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I disagree with the judgmental replies. There is a lot of PC stigma against this type of interaction. Hence the need for you to submit a question. I'm certainly not implying he will be the love of your life. But by your own account, you are attracted to each other, have similar interests and click well. So what's the problem here? Other than social pressures which, whether we like it or not, do influence our choices. Even if you are looking for a serious LTR, I find it funny to imply that the average 20 yrs old guy will be any more relationship material than this guy. Tl/dr: Go out and have fun unless you feel social pressure and the opinions of others will be too much to bear. PS: What he sees in you is youthful physical appeal and attitude. PC condemnations notwithstanding.
winny Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Ok I will explain it all. Women are the masters of the realm of sex/love/relationships. They tend to mature emotionally faster than males(by about 10 years). Guys at 18 want to play video games, smoke pot, hang out with their friends. Girls at 18 are hanging out with friends talking about guys/relationships..etc. Young women go for older guys because they are gaining experience in life, in their native realm of love/relationships. Guys their age get left in the dust pretty much but can still get sex. The younger women experiences all kinds of men from many different age ranges. She basically has a grand ole time being "single". She thinks about the guy she is with who is 20 years older and thinks: "When I am his age, I want to marry someone just like him". Then she reaches 35-40 and notices she can't get men like she used to. All the guys her own age are now dating younger women. The midlife women try to shame the men their own age, calling them cradle robbers or immature or whatever. But now the social conditioning/mind control does not even work! Then they look for a guy called the "provider". He is a chump who will erase his own passions in life and replace them with her dreams and desires. Rather than having an equal partnership. But then she finds that she isn't happy that a guy gives her everything she wants.Oh well, now its time to have kids and just forget all that. The married couple now have kids. Provider/doormat man starts noticing he isn't getting sex. Goes without it for years. The wife puts on a great face but is horrified at the thought of being touched by the husband. And one way or another its divorce time. Now she decides she does not want the provider/doormat type. She wants to be single and go for that exciting fun guy again. Whoops, too bad. From years of being married to provider/doormat man, she has a very high expectation of what men should be doing for her. No sane single man wants to date her now, she decides that "there are no good men in the world". *Now of course this is all a generalization and only one possible iteration, but this is pretty much how it goes. Its called: The Circle of Life. Don't know about all this but when I was 18.. even a 24 year old guy seemed to me like too old I can never date anyone more than 5 yrs older or younger than me... becoz it feels gross and weird... I connect much better with guys who are around my own age... thats healthy from every perspective.
Debanked Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Let's say there's a fling with the 34 year old. OP, ever consider what that'll do to your reputation with guys your own age? Down the road... 1
winny Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I disagree with the judgmental replies. Nobody is judgmental. People are only letting her know the various aspects... so that she can take an intelligent decision about her situation.
drr6 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Four quotes from the first four replies: "Beyond creepy"… "Screams a pedophile"…. "A line guys use"…. "Stop acting"… Are these not judgmental?? I am not denying that he may be motivated by sexual desire. But I am posing the following points: 1. How would that be different than the motivation of a 17-20 yrs old guy? 2. And as long as she says "We are attracted to each other, click well, and have lots of interest in common," then what exactly is the objection other than judgmental attitudes of others? Point is, this type of age disparate interaction doesn't happen as openly in the US precisely because of social convention. Not because the nature of desire is any different here compared to elsewhere.
deathandtaxes Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Four quotes from the first four replies: "Beyond creepy"… "Screams a pedophile"…. "A line guys use"…. "Stop acting"… Are these not judgmental?? I am not denying that he may be motivated by sexual desire. But I am posing the following points: 1. How would that be different than the motivation of a 17-20 yrs old guy? 2. And as long as she says "We are attracted to each other, click well, and have lots of interest in common," then what exactly is the objection other than judgmental attitudes of others? Point is, this type of age disparate interaction doesn't happen as openly in the US precisely because of social convention. Not because the nature of desire is any different here compared to elsewhere. The 17-20 year old guys are in her peer group. They're not looking for an ego boost. They're not looking for somebody to make them feel young. T For your second point, the man seems like a player. Why would a 34 year old man chase an 18 year old? A consummate player can evoke a lot of feelings in their target. The allure of an established older man can be alluring to a very young lady such as OP. Thirty-four year old is an adult. OP not so much. There is a distinct mismatch of power here and that's what would cause me to look askance at something like this. OP - be very, VERY careful if you move things forward with this guy.
veggirl Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Four quotes from the first four replies: "Beyond creepy"… "Screams a pedophile"…. "A line guys use"…. "Stop acting"… Are these not judgmental?? I am not denying that he may be motivated by sexual desire. But I am posing the following points: 1. How would that be different than the motivation of a 17-20 yrs old guy? 2. And as long as she says "We are attracted to each other, click well, and have lots of interest in common," then what exactly is the objection other than judgmental attitudes of others? Point is, this type of age disparate interaction doesn't happen as openly in the US precisely because of social convention. Not because the nature of desire is any different here compared to elsewhere. The disparity in life experience and maturity in a 34 and 18 yr old is very real, why are you so quick to discount that? Is it not a valid concern? So judgemental, geez..... 1
SmartDude Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 The disparity in life experience and maturity in a 34 and 18 yr old is very real, why are you so quick to discount that? Is it not a valid concern? So judgemental, geez..... Sometimes this disparity in life experience and maturity between the 18 yr old and the 34 yr old is what makes it really great though...
MrCastle Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I'm 26 and 18 year olds to me are children. Hell -- 20 year olds are children. 21 and up for this fellow. I don't know how I feel about a 34 year old man going after an 18 year old girl. Emphasis on the word girl. This whole thread makes me feel yucky inside. 4
kaylan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I'm 26 and 18 year olds to me are children. Hell -- 20 year olds are children. 21 and up for this fellow. I don't know how I feel about a 34 year old man going after an 18 year old girl. Emphasis on the word girl. This whole thread makes me feel yucky inside. This. Im 27 and Im even iffy about this 20 year old who seems to currently fancy me. The difference in maturity and life stages is something that bothers me. An 18 year old would be a big no for me. I like my women in my age bracket. And lets be serious. The likely outcome of these two getting together is either the OP being used for sex, or them having a relationship that doesnt last long which leaves her jaded. This guy is light years ahead of her and can easily walk circles around her. 1
ja123 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Are you sure you are not a rebound? ^^^ This. It's not only about the age difference. This guy is guy is newly single. Two bad combinations, IMO. Plus, he probably has some codependency issues, seeing as he was on the receiving end of abuse. I'd move on, if I were you.
ascendotum Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 If a guy in my social circle started dating an 18-year-old baby he'd be the laughing stock. gogo gaga. oh boy 18 yr old girls/young women are now babies. I guess its better than throwing out the pedo word. I've known quite mature responsible 18 yr old and also immature and or very youthful in outlook and style 34 yr olds. The age diff is a bit extreme. As long as she has is not screwed up emotionally (and he is taking advantage of that...not like a 22 or 25 yr old guy wouldn't either) and also ideally he is emotionally stable as well then it doesn't really matter if both are happy and having their expectations met, and treating each other well. There are a lot of crappy relationship/dating behavior out there these days, independent of age differences and if the worst thing here is that they find they don't have a lot in common after the initial honeymoon phase is over they can both go their separate ways. Though I'm sure some women here wont think its so simple, that his sinister mind will scar her for life. People should give her a heads up based on personal experiences dating an older man or woman rather than just 'eeew its creepy'. The flak from some of their friends will be one thing both need to think about though.
CrystalCastles Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 21 and up for this fellow. Whew! I'm still in the running for a chance at happiness with Mr Castle. I am also of the opinion that the age gap cannot be ignored. If the OP was 30 and the guy was 46, then that would be better. 30 years is a good amount of time to gain life experience, especially since a person tends to undergo the greatest emotional maturation from ~20 to 30. OP, you're only beginning to discover the world and relationships. You're vulnerable emotionally. A guy who is 34 is not on that page anymore and he can easily take advantage of you. Even if your reasoning is more mature than that of other girls your age, there are certain skills that can only be gained through life experience. 4
Blade96 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) what would an 18 year old have to offer him? I think you already know the answer, since you are asking: Not much. And me saying this is not to put down 18 year olds i wanna make that clear so no one pounce on me I just mean different life stages, different goals, different everything. Fact is, a person my age (i'm 35 and he's 34) is in a different place than you are. In general. If you were both adults I mean fully, then go for it. Many ADULTS date people with a larger age gap and it works out. But like I sad you are just 18. I got a friend who is 23 and in love with a 50 year old, she want to date him. And even I warned her to be cautious because i was in her place, at same age I dated a much older guy. I even think it is iffy at 23. And apparently so did the 50 year old. Apparently he was such a gentleman he told her to wait til she is older and then see. She doesn't wanna accept it, but myself and apparently others of her friends are telling her the same thing. Older people are very cool though, I have always seemed to have better luck with older people than those my own age. I'd say be friends. Older people CAN teach you a lot. Edited January 4, 2014 by Blade96
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 May I ask a personal question? Will he be your 'first'? If this is a yes, I'd be extremely careful. He's had a lot more life and relationship experience than you and yes, in bed it'd be good and all but at the same time it also brings a lot of complications obviously because of the age difference. You're new at all this and have so much to offer and give. A guy who is his age knows better and at 18 he's gonna take advantage of you....Not play you or use you, but on some level he knows exactly what's around the corner..You don't. And, one day you might really regret being with him. You'll be missing out on guys your own age, (this guy has been abused and is immature, that's a red flag..A BIG red flag you need to pay attention to) and do you think this guy will want to party with you and your friends? Would you feel comfortable being around his 30+ year old friends? Going to bars? You can't legally drink yet, so that's a bit awkward too. Then again, he could be really good for you. Time will tell. I think you should really hold off on sex and fooling around. Really get to know him and see if he is worthy of YOU. Try not to let your attraction to him take over and cloud your judgement. Talk to your friends, get their thoughts on this too.
Mariposa10 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Like two other people have posted before. He just got out of a relationship. That's always a red flag and the huge age gap doesn't help. Do not complicate your life. It's not worth it. What if you end up falling for him? And you end up being just a rebound. I would avoid contact with him.
Author Kittykat96 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Well you guys were right in the end I guess, as I've just been stood up for our date with no text, no call and no explanation! Feeling a total fool now!
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Well you guys were right in the end I guess, as I've just been stood up for our date with no text, no call and no explanation! Feeling a total fool now! I'm sorry that happened to you but that bad behavior is not a function of your age difference. It just makes him rude.
Author Kittykat96 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Well at least now I know to give him a miss, i can't stand being cancelled on without a reason!
deathandtaxes Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Well you guys were right in the end I guess, as I've just been stood up for our date with no text, no call and no explanation! Feeling a total fool now! Please please please go NC with him now. I doubt he'll try to make contact again, but if he does, don't respond. Don't feel the fool. Take control.
oldshirt Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 . He is quite immature for his age, but for me it makes him fun to be around, whilst having more knowledge of the world than me which is interesting! My question is, what would he want with me? I understand why I would like him, he's very attractive to me and we get along well, but what would an 18 year old have to offer him? ! OK this happens quite a bit in the world. The reason a 34 year old man is actively pursuing an 18 year old woman is because mature women can see his $hit and won't put up with it. An 18 year old does not have the wisdom, life experience and maturity to see him for the inadequate, immature jerk that he is and they also don't have the life experience to call him out on his bad behavior and to send them packing. He wants an 18 year old so he can call the shots and control her. you see him as wise and experienced and in control. a grown woman sees him as a creeper. Now in your 18 year old mind, you see him as a prize and that since you are younger and cuter and nicer than his mean old cranky ex GF, that you won out over her and that you won the prize. However in a very short period of time, your prize is going to turn into your nightmare. He is immature, he has a history of dysfunctional and abusive relationships and he unable to establish a healthy and ongoing relationship with mature women. The fact that he is pursuing an 18 year old indicates that he feels threatened and intimidated by an adult woman who knows how the world works and has experience with dysfunctional men. The reason he feels threatened and intimidated by them is because they have called him out on his crap and no longer give him the time of day. Now I realize you are going to make up your own excuses and your rationalizations and your own justifications on why we are all wrong and why he is a great catch and how you are going to make a great couple etc etc etc But what I want you to realize is that the reason these older women can see through him and realize he is a creeper - is because when they were 18 they became involved with men just like him. and in ten years YOU are going to be wise one and you are going to be able to pick a creeper out of a stampede because of all the hell and torment he is going to put you through. And I have one request. and that is, in 15 years when you are wiser and experienced and mature, that you step forward and give fair warning when you see an 18 year old girl getting all excited and giggley when a grown man starts to hit on her. She won't believe you at the time either and just think you are an old dried up old cranky bitch because men are hitting on someone younger and cuter, do your best to pass on your hard-earned experience and wisdom anyway. It won't stop an 18 year old from taking the bait, but it may cause her to wise up and get out of Dodge quicker and see the red flags and leave before the rest of her life is ruined. 4
Author Kittykat96 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 That reply was brilliant aha! Thanks everyone guys, basically after he stood me up today, he rang me about 10 minutes ago saying he would ring me again when he wasn't driving to explain what happened today, he was crying so I'm presuming it wasn't good, but whatever I have to admit that I'm starting to see now how he's really not gonna be that great to me and unless he really pulls something out of the bag now to show me that he's brilliant or whatever then honestly he can get lost! You were all so right! And he's just proven to me that you guys are!
ponchsox Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I stopped reading at "he's quite immature for his age."
kaylan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Crying to an 18 year old? Jeeeeez. The only women who have EVER seen me cry are my mother, my best friends mother, and my ex who I was deeply in love with. 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 That reply was brilliant aha! Thanks everyone guys, basically after he stood me up today, he rang me about 10 minutes ago saying he would ring me again when he wasn't driving to explain what happened today, he was crying so I'm presuming it wasn't good, but whatever I have to admit that I'm starting to see now how he's really not gonna be that great to me and unless he really pulls something out of the bag now to show me that he's brilliant or whatever then honestly he can get lost! You were all so right! And he's just proven to me that you guys are! Don't fall for it! A real man, if he has to cancel a date, apologizes profusely and offers to reschedule right away. He does not flake out without a word. This crying stuff shows either he is vastly immature or is part of some sick manipulation. 2
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