I am devastated.

[collegeguy_24]

I just recently suffered through another breakup, and this one, to me, was pretty bad. I am going to post my full story here, as a way to release, and maybe see what others think.

 

It all started back in August, a female friend, who lives up the street from me and has been a friend for a couple years, set me up with her sister who was visiting from out of state. Her sister is 19 almost 20, and I am 28. I was a little hesitant because of the age gap, and she knows I want a serious relationship, I want to settle down and start a family.

 

Well, we meet for one day, and then she heads back home to Northern California, while I live in Montana. We talk on facebook for a bit and decide we want to try a long distance relationship.

 

To my surprise, my ex is surprisingly mature for her age, in many respects, more mature then me. As time went on, I learned she was literally the perfect woman, as she has everything I want.

 

Yes, I have a checklist.

 

She has ambition, she wants a career. She wants to get married and have children around when she is 25. SHe is hot as hell. She is kind, compassionate, polite, and so on. She also has no interest in sleeping around with random people. Everything I ever wanted.

 

THings go well for us, so well, she bought a plane ticket with her own money to come up here for New Years. She talks about how she thinks I am the perfect man, as where she lives in Humbolt county, she can't find anyone. THey are all either pot heads or beefy idiots. She wants someone like me, nerdy, smart, and with goals and working to achieve those goals.

 

I am currently working on my Masters degree as proof of that.

 

THings go well, she even sends me nude photos and I send them to her, and we have phone sex over Iphone Facetime.

 

But there are bumps though. Her sister is one of them. Multiple times a month I get a call from my ex and she talks about how her sister says stuff about me that she knows is a lie. One time, I listened to an argument about that on facetime while she used another phone.

 

Honestly, her sister created more drama for our relationship then either of us did. I have no idea what her problem with me was seeing as how she set us up in the first place.

 

 

THen one day, on November 23, I had her sister over, along with my male roommate, and another male friend, to watch the 50th anniversary of Doctor WHo. It went rather well I thought.

 

THe next day, my GF calls and says her sister was saying something about me and what I did, and it upset her. Thing is, she wouldn't tell me what it was. I asked my other guests who were there and they said I didn't do anything, I was more focused on the TV show and the only time I did something was to go take a piss.

 

Well, during that conversation, she breaks down and says she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, and all that. A typical break up speech. But then, before she hangs up, she says we are NOT breaking up.

 

Next day I get a text from her saying and I quote, "I do still believe I love you, don't ever forget that"

 

I thought maybe she was stressed out, I mean it was finals time for her in college and I know she was stressed with that.

 

Next time we have a phone conversation, she seems happier, and says it was nothing, just nerves is all and that she looks forward to coming up here to see me.

 

But heres the thing, she was supposed to stay with me up here, but she changed her mind and decided to stay with her sister. She said it makes more sense that way, as it gives us a chance to go out on an actual date together. Which does make sense. But other then that, she says we are still good and she loves me.

 

THen in the second week of December, her texts to me take much longer to get back to me, sometimes a whole day for one line. She stopped saying she loves me.

 

I was getting fed up with the distancing. So I told her we need to talk, as I get the feeling something is wrong.

 

I get a phone call and she ends it. She says she is busy next semester with school and working a part time job, and that school is a 45 minute commute each way 4 days a week.

 

I tell her we can still make it work, I have friends who do long distance for years and they make it work and they have it worse. I tell her we can still do school and have a relationship. I tell her she hasn't even gotten up here yet, at least let us get together in person before she decides to end it. She agrees with me that maybe we can save the relationship. But she isn't sure, and thats it.

 

Then one night, after I had a complete crash and mental down after some medication wore off that a friend gave me, I sent her the following text, please keep in mind I and copying and pasting from my phone, so please expect spelling errors:

 

Me: I don't want to give up, i want to try, how will we ever know if we don't even try. Just because it's a thought that it won't work doesn't mean it won't, this relationship deserves at least a try. People can do work and school and still maintain relationship, my friend sarah is a testament to that. I don't want to push you away, but I don't want to give up either.

 

Her: I'll be in Montana in less then two weeks. I told you that I would like to spend time with you while I'm there. And it's not about giving up. It's about timing. I need to be sure that I am in the right place to be able to commit like you want me to. I know it is as aweful cliche but I am just not sure if i know myself well enough to be able to judge if I fit with another person. I know I got your hopes up and then kind of left you in a lurch, something for which I am extremely sorry but I do t want to lead you on if I'm not ready for it... Part of me hates that I feel that why but I can't lie to you or myself about it.

 

Me: When your up here I want to see you, just us, no sister and no roommate just you and me so we can talk freely. I need to know what your thinking about this is such as what kind of commitment do you think I want. I never thought i would fall as deeply as I did. But it happened and it can't be taken back. I don't want to be a creeper ex , I will not stalk or do anything like that so you don't have to worry. I just feel that this is something that I should fight for and to give it my best shot. You are worth every effort. But I promise, I will not be a creeper ex, that is a path I will never follow. If we must , I will settle for being friends, if you will have me

 

Her: We do need to talk and I agree that time by ourselves would be a good idea. I'm very muddled right now. I am not sure what to think. I just know that a lot of things are changing and I would like to hold onto consistency, for me being single and by myself is consistency. I don't know how to do relationships and when that is coupled with trying to fully support myself and commit to actually doing well in school I just do see myself being able to be in another unknown factor for my life. I would like to be your friend. I have never liked cutting people out of my life. It is like cutting out a piece of life itself. I'm sorry that I've put you in an awkward situation. Just realize that it is compromised of several other things as well. It's not just an out of the blue change of mind.

 

 

Me: Compeomised of other things is something I would like I hear more about. I think that if we talk in person, perhaps several times over the course of your visit, might help. I don't want to cut you out if my life, I can't do that especially considering my feelings for you. But I also don't want to give up just yet. All good things aw worth fighting for, and this one of them. I know you don't know relationships well, but that is something that does not have a full solid definition either, it changes per person, very fluid. I want you to do well in school, I want you to succeed, believe me when I say that. But I also know that doing that and a relationship is possible, we just need to short things out, and I think spending time together in person can help us do that and to learn more about each other that's not from a phone. I also don't want you to close the door completely on this either. I know I sound like a rambling child at this point, I didn't mean to, but I needed to get it off my chest, to let you know that I think you are worth every effort and sacrifice and imam willing to do them. I am highly emotional right now, I hope you can understand that and I hope I don't cross any boundaries.

 

Her: You are bringing up a lot of important things. Things that are not going to be figured out all in one conversation an especially not over text. I do want to talk about them when I get up there. But for now I think we both need to get some sleep. We will talk. Please just be patient with me. We will talk later

 

 

Me: I will be patient, and sorry if I woke up. Thank you for being patient with me as well tonight. You have a good rest if you night now and sweet dreams

 

Her: You too. Sleep well.

 

See, that doesn't sound to bad, almost a little hope. Other then that text conversation, we didn't communicate except to exchange Merry CHristmas to each other.

 

THen, on the 28th when she arrived, I didn't hear a word from her. I waited till the next day the 29th, before sending this:

 

Me: Good morning, or early afternoon. Don't know if you made it to Bozeman yet or not, but if you still want to get together, let me know. Enjoy your stay, talk to you later.

 

Then after two days, no response, I sent this.

 

Me: Its been 2 days since you were supposed to be up here, you said you wanted to meet and talk but no word. What is going on?

 

Still, no response, so tuesday, after 3-4 days of no response, I sent this final message, fed up.

 

Me: I have grown tired of this. I am a human being with thought, and feelings. Instead you ignore me and treat me like some item that has lost it's value and you toss me into yesterday's trash. I am tired if the games you've been playing on me since November. You said when you got up here you wanted to meet in person and talk, maybe save the relationship. Your plane was supposed to have been here Saturday. It's Tuesday and you've ignored my two messages, no word. This is ridiculous and childish. At the very least you could have responded but instead your ignore me like I don't exist. What the hell is going on? You've been leading me on for a while I deserve an explanation. I have been kind, loving, and paitient. No other man would have put up with your games since November, but I have because I care for you and thought we had something. My paitience has run out. Call me or come see me soon. My vacation is limited you know that. I deserve to ear something not to be ignored and thrown out like you have been treating me. This is my last message to you until I hear something back.

 

As you can see, I was clearly frustrated. I mean I have been putting up with all this crap since November 24. Far longer then I should have been. But I was committed. I did get a resonse back from her though.

 

Her: Yes please stop messaging me. I told you I would see you while I'm up here to explain to you why I didn't want to be with you. I never mentioned any word of trying to "save" anything and I'm sorry you took it that way but that's on you. I tried to make that break over a month ago but you wouldn't accept that and I've regretted not being more assertive ever since. I had hoped my silence would mean that you would get the hint but apparently you took that as playing some game. I thought I was being straightforward about it. You can hate me if you want but at this point I don't think you want to hear what I have to say to you. I'm sorry that this didn't work out, I really am but please stop contacting me.

 

This is bull****. During our last actual phone conversation, she said we could maybe save the relationship if we meet. Yet she goes out of her way to avoid me. She was never assertive in her breakup, she said maybe we can make it work, but she isn't sure. Does that sound assertive to anyone?

 

She then unfriended me from Facebook. I have repsected her wishes even though I want to point out her hypocrosy, or try something.

 

I still even have her CHristmas presents I bought her. SHe told me she already bought mine, and then I went and bought hers in October. I can't return them, and I can't re-gift them because everyone I know already knows who they are for. I am tempted to text her and ask if I can mail her the presents, and that will be my last communication, but I am not sure.

 

I have already accepted the fact its over. Its sad, but its done and I know that.

 

Anyways, this is my story. I wanted to write this. I left out our names but I have left enough obvious clues that she will know its her if she reads this. I showed her the site once.

 

ANy comments are welcome. I am going to get a drink. Worse New Years ever.

 

She is only here till the 7th of January. I really want to ask her if she is sure she doesn't want to meet. At least give me that considering all she put me through. I don't know. I really want to see her in person. and she is staying right up the street. After she leaves, I will probably never see her again, I really want to see her in person.

Edited January 3, 2014 by collegeguy_24

[mantlefan]

I don't know how much I can relate, man, but I do notice one similarity.

 

 

She wasn't assertive enough because she wanted to be nice, and that led to a big miscommunication, and a lot more hope for you than you should have had (I would tell you not to obsess over who is more at fault; you for not reading between the lines or her for not being clear, but it doesn't matter)

 

 

My GF (5 years) was the same when she dumped me. She put being a nice person over helping me move on. It doesn't make her a bad person, it should just help you understand that she isn't worth it if she can't give it to you straight.

 

 

And don't send the gifts, even if you somehow find out she'd be OK with it. My ex was OK with me sending her stuff, and all it did for me was delay my detachment.

[flightplan]

Been there, done that. I'll tell you exactly what to do but it's up to you to do it. Go radio silent. Drop off the earth. DO NOT reach out to her again. If you do, she'll take it as weakness.. and trust me my friend... that display of weakness will push her away even more. You have to treat her with indifference. If you chase her, try to contact her, reach out in any way shape or form, you will regret it and she will never respect you again. Treat her persona non grata.

 

IF you do this... and thats a big IF because it's hard to do... you might have a fighting chance months.. not weeks, but months down the road when cooler heads prevail and she's had time to miss you. You can calmly reevaluate then. But right now, you'll just be pissin' up a rope and agitating her even more if you keep trying to contact and talk to her. Let it go for a few months and try again if you feel the vibe. DO NOT CONTACT HER. PERIOD.

[mantlefan]

Actually reading it through again, I see a lot of similarities to mine.

 

 

The main thing I can tell you is start No Contact. I wish I would have sooner.

 

 

Do you want her to be happy? Bow out of her life and let her figure out what she wants.

 

 

Do you want her back? Bow out of her life. Going after her will only make her feel like you don't believe her or that you don't think she is capable of making the right choices. If you get her back for any other reason than because she really wants to be with you and you want to be with her, you will both end up miserable.

 

 

Do you want you to be happy? Bow out of her life and figure out what you want. And if you keep thinking you want her, find something else you want.

 

 

My drive was to fight however I could to get back together. I think that only drove her away more.

[collegeguy_24]

I will maintain NC. In the past, for one ex, I pushed to hard and it didn't work, but she lived in town and that was years ago.

 

The thing is my recent ex leaves soon, she won't be here ad I won't be able to see her, which is what I want to do.

 

But I will maintain NC, and I hope to god that it works, because I want her back.

[Itspointless]

I am sorry man. It sounds like you gave her already a huge present: an enormous ego-boost. You deserve just as much a person who thinks that you are worth an effort. She seems immature to me.

[collegeguy_24]

Thing is, she said I can hate her if I want. But I don't hate her. I am sad, but I don't hate her. I want to respect her wish to not contact her, but I also don't want her to think I hate her.

 

I want to send a short text, one that says I don't hate her, and to never think that I do. and thats the last time I will contact her per her request. But just to clear the air with tha one statement, cause that really hurts me, to think that she thinks I hate her.

[flightplan]

Thing is, she said I can hate her if I want. But I don't hate her. I am sad, but I don't hate her. I want to respect her wish to not contact her, but I also don't want her to think I hate her.

 

I want to send a short text, one that says I don't hate her, and to never think that I do. and thats the last time I will contact her per her request. But just to clear the air with tha one statement, cause that really hurts me, to think that she thinks I hate her.

 

Check yourself... don't do it. For the love of all that's holy, don't do it. It's a display of weakness. Man up and don't do it. She doesn't give a rats ass if you hate her or not. Texting her wouldn't mean a thing in the world to her. Absolutely nothing,... except to show her your a weak man.

[Itspointless]

Thing is, she said I can hate her if I want. But I don't hate her. I am sad, but I don't hate her. I want to respect her wish to not contact her, but I also don't want her to think I hate her.

 

I want to send a short text, one that says I don't hate her, and to never think that I do. and thats the last time I will contact her per her request. But just to clear the air with tha one statement, cause that really hurts me, to think that she thinks I hate her.

She already knows you don't hate her (at this moment) as she is in power. Dont sent that text, keep your self-respect. You are not going to win anything with sending.

[mantlefan]

I did something similar.

 

 

My ex dumped me and soon after went after a mutual friend. Maybe she already had feelings for the guy, it probably doesn't matter but I still wonder.

 

 

Anyways, once I found out, I messaged both of them and said that I didn't hate them although friendships probably would be out of the question.

 

 

Here's the thing that I am coming to realize but have forget and may still forget in moments of weakness:

 

 

Just because you shouldn't lie, doesn't mean you should always tell the truth. Sometimes you should just keep your mouth shut! I think for you this is one of those times.

[collegeguy_24]

Well, I am drunk off my ass right now. I gave my phone to my roommate so I wouldn't text the ex, even hough I want to.

 

I miss her, I really do. It just kills me to know that she is literally up my street for another 4 days, and I can't see her at all. SHe asked me to not contact her, and I've kept my word. I just wish she could have kept hers and tried t work on this relationship.

[crackerjax9]

Aww you sound like such a sweetheart. I just jumped on the same boat as you as far as NC.

 

Despite what you said, you ex is immature and needs to grow up. She's so young! I'm 26 now and would've laughed at my ex bf if he expected me to settle down at 19 or 20.

 

Keep NC it drives girls nuts if they still have feelings for you.( trust me... I'm going nuts not talking to my ex bf for three days!!) And if she doesn't.., good riddance!

 

Girls also hate feeling smothered. So don't overwhelm them with love. Its a Lil turn off if its not challenging (again I'm a female and can't explain this phenomenon)

[crackerjax9]

PS good thinking giving your friend your phone. Esp if you're drinking. You'll feel so ****ty in the morning if you text her tonight. Remember most girls for some odd reason like hard to get so don't be easy!!!

[collegeguy_24]

PS good thinking giving your friend your phone. Esp if you're drinking. You'll feel so ****ty in the morning if you text her tonight. Remember most girls for some odd reason like hard to get so don't be easy!!!

 

She unfriended me on Facebook despite her saying she didn't want to cut me out of her life. I wonder if this will work.

 

THis is new to me. In a past relationship almost 4 years ago, I did not keep NC and pursued only to fail. So this time I am trying NC and hope she comes back. I really miss her.

 

At the same time, considering the history of her sister, even though she says she does not want or support that path, I worry she will follow her sisters path and only come back to me as a last resort.

 

I know she is young, but she really has everything I want in a woman. I am very picky, I have created my checklist after years of dating and learning what I want.

 

She even told me I met almost every criteria on her list, and she was drunk when she told me this.

 

GOd this is horrible.

[Kopite]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I was almost exactly the same as you. I was long distance and she did exactly the same as what your girl did (except my ex was 7 years older than me, 30!! So it's not just young girls). Started being distant with me out of nowhere and wanted space blah blah. I, like you, insisted she come over to see me so we could figure things out, but in the end I just ended it because it was out of my control.

 

It's the same for you, buddy. It's out of your control. There is pretty much nothing you can do at this point but go NC. The ball is completely in her court now.

 

Leave her be and be patient. In the meantime, keep working on improving yourself.

[Mr Scorpio]

I just recently suffered through another breakup, and this one, to me, was pretty bad. I am going to post my full story here, as a way to release, and maybe see what others think.

 

It all started back in August, a female friend, who lives up the street from me and has been a friend for a couple years, set me up with her sister who was visiting from out of state. Her sister is 19 almost 20, and I am 28. I was a little hesitant because of the age gap...

 

Dude. That is where this story should have ended. Right there. You didn't trust your intuition. That doesn't invalidate your pain, but you need to take a step back and look at this situation objectively.

 

You've got almost ten years on this person. Now, maybe there are 19 year-old girls who "know themselves" and what they want out of life and who they want to share it with. This girl is not one of them. There is nothing here for you to fight for. There is nothing here for you to discuss and save.

 

You took a chance and you got burned. It sucks. I'm sorry it happened to you. Now, go find yourself a woman as opposed to a girl, and leave this girl alone before you get a restraining order slapped on you.

[collegeguy_24]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I was almost exactly the same as you. I was long distance and she did exactly the same as what your girl did (except my ex was 7 years older than me, 30!! So it's not just young girls). Started being distant with me out of nowhere and wanted space blah blah. I, like you, insisted she come over to see me so we could figure things out, but in the end I just ended it because it was out of my control.

 

It's the same for you, buddy. It's out of your control. There is pretty much nothing you can do at this point but go NC. The ball is completely in her court now.

 

Leave her be and be patient. In the meantime, keep working on improving yourself.

 

I am hoping patience will work. Because she leaves soon to go back home, I am afraid she will forget all about me. And even if me and her sister remain friends after this, I can't rely on her to send good words about me even if I don't ask, just because she is the most pessimistic person on the planet, nd caused a lot of drama in our relationship.

[collegeguy_24]

It sucks. I'm sorry it happened to you. Now, go find yourself a woman as opposed to a girl, and leave this girl alone before you get a restraining order slapped on you.

 

I am leaving her alone, Its hard, but I can still do maintain the NC. But its really hard to do, I'm on here for the support of maintaining it.

 

As for finding a woman, I will wait first. Not to see what my ex does, but just so I can heal and not treat someone like a rebound.

[collegeguy_24]

TOday marks day 4 of NC since we last texted each other on New Years Eve afternoon.

 

Still not any easier.

[flightplan]

TOday marks day 4 of NC since we last texted each other on New Years Eve afternoon.

 

Still not any easier.

 

Yup and it won't be for some time to come. Hug the cactus and keep NC. It will eventually pass, but right now, you're just going to have to suck it up. Just imagine how you're going to feel if you reach out and she refuses to respond. Keep your dignity and hang in there.

[collegeguy_24]

Yup and it won't be for some time to come. Hug the cactus and keep NC. It will eventually pass, but right now, you're just going to have to suck it up. Just imagine how you're going to feel if you reach out and she refuses to respond. Keep your dignity and hang in there.

 

THat word there, dignity, is key. I gave up all dignity and pride for another ex 4 years ago, I won't make the same mistake.

 

On the upside, a good way help me through depression has been cooking bacon. My roommate has been so happy for bacon.

[collegeguy_24]

Today is day 5 of NC. Today I am doing something different. If the weather isn't to bad, instead of being cooped up in my house all depressed and wishing for her to contact me, or for myself to die, I am going out.

 

I plan to go to the museum today. I've always loved the museum, its a happy place for me, so I plan to spend my afternoon there today, read and watch the exhibits, and maybe catch a laser show.

[True Gent]

Today is day 5 of NC. Today I am doing something different. If the weather isn't to bad, instead of being cooped up in my house all depressed and wishing for her to contact me, or for myself to die, I am going out.

 

I plan to go to the museum today. I've always loved the museum, its a happy place for me, so I plan to spend my afternoon there today, read and watch the exhibits, and maybe catch a laser show.

 

Good for you! I need to make some effort like this for myself. I've socialised with friends, spent the holidays with family and had a couple of casual dates.

 

On days with no plans though I just sit in the house. I need to get out on my own too.

[mantlefan]

Good!

 

 

When it gets really hard to want to do anything, I try to do the stuff that meant a lot to me but not to her.

 

 

Someday, I can start "taking back" for me the things we shared.

 

 

There's more to life than our exes! Thanks for posting and helping us both remember that.

[Juha]

Sorry you are in pain. unfortunately your ex is very immature emotionally and needs to go live life and be with more people so she can mature.

 

Going to say that possibly she is/was scared of her feelings for you and maybe how strong they were. She can't handle them, does not like them, want them.

 

So she does the only thing she can and that is make them go away which means ignoring you, being angry, cold, distant, unemotional with you. Unfriending you on fb and among other things.

 

There is nothing you can do, absolutely nothing at all. you need to be a ghost to her. TOTALLY!!!

 

I went through the same thing. She broke up, ran away. contacted a little and was all over the place. She never gave any explanation or reason. Just a bunch of "things" that contradicted themselves lol

 

She was angry, cold, distant, etc. Unfriended me on fb snapchat, etc.

Would turn things around that she did or was doing and say I did it. She made things different so she could justify to herself what she was doing and how she treated me. Like I was trash being thrown out. We were friends first, best friends, then lovers. We were together for 19 months, she transferred away and within the month tossed me like I was garbage.

 

They are immature and in your case your girl knows what you want and that is why she is doing what she is. In my case my girl never talked to me and did not know what I wanted, she made assumptions in her mind and went from there. Try not to take it personal (I know it's hard) the way she is acting is what she thinks/feels she has to do for herself. She knows she is hurting you and believe me she is in pain but does not know what else or how else to do it.

 

So live your life like she never existed. It will hurt but it will get better focus on you and do what you want. Remove anything that will remind you of her, put it away, throw it away, burn it. Whatever just get rid of it. As for the presents, donate them to whatever charity they will help the most. She does not deserve anything from you. Besides you will feel better donating them to charity than giving them to her.