Questions for fOW who married their MM / Could I be wrong?

[ElectricTangerine]

I have some questions for the OW who ended up marrying their MM. How long did it take before he actually got divorced? Was he honest with you about his emotions, intentions, the timeline and such or were there lies involved? If there were lies and things he didn't tell you... How did you move past this and regain your trust in him? If he has children from his previous marriage... How are you managing that + interactions with his xW?

 

The reason I ask this is because it occasionally crosses my mind that I might be overreacting in response to my xMM's actions. In short - I met MM, he told me he was separated and will divorce in due time. Fast forward 1.5 years - I find out through pure coincidence that he was still living with his wife for the first 6 months of our relationship, thought I'd never find out, so he lied about it. Said he didn't tell me because he was afraid. He also said that he already filed for the divorce - turns out that he never even consulted a lawyer. But then, within a week of me finding out the truth, he went straight to the lawyer and filed for the divorce. Still, I broke up with him and went NC soon after. His behaviour puzzles me a bit, because he did eventually leave the BS and file for the divorce. I learned that he's the type of person who won't act until there's some serious, even threatening external motivation. Path of least resistance and all that. I have no experience with marriage and divorce of my own, so I can't really grasp how devastating it can be. And I ask myself... Should I cut him some slack? He often said how stressful and painful this period of his life is. I don't know what it's like to carry that sort of a burden. All I know are my hurt OW feelings that he's not dealing with things the way I think he should be dealing with things and my feelings of betrayal because I was lied to. He's not a bad person, but his coping and decision making mechanisms are definitely flawed. Apart from that, he was pretty much perfect and I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. While I'm very happy with NC and have no desire to break it, it does cross my mind sometimes if it's worth giving him another chance if he indeed gets divorced. Not holding my breath here, just thinking.

[BeingMe]

BS here, so feel free to ignore me

 

It sounds like he's lied to you a lot. It also sounds like he's only doing what he promised when he gets caught out. Not enthusiastically, not the type to fight for you. My WS is like this and so far it's not ended well. Your exMM is showing a lot of red flags for any kind of R. Now, I'm still open to a 2nd chance with my WS, but as well as loving him, we share over 17 years together and have children together. Knowing what I do now, if I was going out with a guy who had done what yours has done to you, I'd stay NC and not look back. He doesn't sound like a WS who has worked on himself to make himself emotionally safe for his next relationship.

[flowingmane]

I don't see any harm in being open to dating when he is free. You're not committing to marriage, you're just dating. If you are not in a committed R with anyone else, what harm can come from giving him a chance? And giving you the opportunity to see how he behaves when fully out in the open. Men and women can both do things when in emotional turmoil that we would not do normally. Trust me - I'm not a big fan of who I have turned into the past couple months - I've just entered IC to fix that. I'm shocked my MM is still around. I could easily see him bolting for a woman with less baggage (even if A created some of it!), or just going home, but he has not yet. Sometimes it takes a big mistake to help someone realize what they are doing wrong. Again, FWIW

[WrinkledForehead]

I haven't married mine yet but I can share how I handled similar situations. Also take into consideration that he didn't live with his long term (15yrs) partner, there was no marriage, and there were no kids.

 

The one time he broke my trust he broke a promise to me. I was hurt and completely shocked. I expressed as much, told him I wanted to forgive him, developed a plan together to regain trust, and then implemented said plan. It was during the time he was leaving that R.

 

He never lied by omission. We've cherished being open and honest with each other and work hard to maintain that. We read on the challenges that would lie ahead and discussed ways to avoid and/or work through typical problems that occur in post-A R's.

 

He also didn't split from his BP the way that I would have and I pointed out to him how I felt what he was doing was wrong. We discussed it. He explained his actions and at that point it was up to me to decide if I could respect his reasons and trust his course of actions. He did nothing heinous and in retrospect (re: reading on the BS board here) I'm glad he did things the way he did.

 

Best~ WF

[WasOtherWoman]

This is going to sound hypocritical (and it actually IS) but, the problem I would have with your situation is the fact that he put me in the situation of being an OW without knowing and agreeing to it.

 

I suppose it could be argued that relationships that began as affairs began as a lie, but this somehow is too big of a lie, for me personally.

 

And yes, I completely understand how hypocritical that is on so many levels

 

edited: the other issue that I would have with him is this... when I choose a partner, I want someone who is not afraid to decide what he wants and get it (whether financially, professionally, personally). The fact that he did not take action until pushed to the wall would greatly bother me, regardless of whether that action was to stay with his wife, or be with me.

[LadyLee]

Wow, I get being angry but I'm surprised at how easily you are managing nc. What can I say? When you love someone you are supposed to be willing to forgive and work with them. That being said, he did lie and he was slow to take action. The fact that you are asking shows that you want to possibly work it out. Have you ever talked to him about how you feel?

[Popsicle]

Does he have kids with the exW?

 

Divorce is devastating but you come out on the other side a happier person. It is rough though.

[cocorico]

I have some questions for the OW who ended up marrying their MM. How long did it take before he actually got divorced? Was he honest with you about his emotions, intentions, the timeline and such or were there lies involved? If he has children from his previous marriage... How are you managing that + interactions with his xW?

 

It was some years back, but IIRC, it was about 3 years before he left the BW, and the D took a further year to finalise. Yes, he was honest throughout - there were no lies, nor lies of omission. He has kids from his previous M. When he left the BW they chose to live with him / us, though they have since left home. Dealing with the xW wasn't necessary as they were old enough not to require any of that. If they chose to visit her, they would catch the bus to see her after school, and catch another bus back to ours later. There was no maintenance or child support involved, and no other reason to contact her.

 

 

He lied to you, and if that is a dealbreaker for you, then no, you should not cut him any slack. Yes, it is a stressful time, and yes, you may well not know what he is going through - but he has exposed flaws that you found bad enough to dump him. Unless he has demonstrated to you in some compelling way that he has changed, and overcome the issues that led to your dumping him, you would simply be setting yourself up for disappointment because you would be signalling to him hat you considered his behaviour poor, but excusable - and giving him a get out of jail free card for next time he felt a need to resort to the same behaviour.

[Got it]

I have some questions for the OW who ended up marrying their MM. How long did it take before he actually got divorced? Was he honest with you about his emotions, intentions, the timeline and such or were there lies involved? If there were lies and things he didn't tell you... How did you move past this and regain your trust in him? If he has children from his previous marriage... How are you managing that + interactions with his xW?

 

The reason I ask this is because it occasionally crosses my mind that I might be overreacting in response to my xMM's actions. In short - I met MM, he told me he was separated and will divorce in due time. Fast forward 1.5 years - I find out through pure coincidence that he was still living with his wife for the first 6 months of our relationship, thought I'd never find out, so he lied about it. Said he didn't tell me because he was afraid. He also said that he already filed for the divorce - turns out that he never even consulted a lawyer. But then, within a week of me finding out the truth, he went straight to the lawyer and filed for the divorce. Still, I broke up with him and went NC soon after. His behaviour puzzles me a bit, because he did eventually leave the BS and file for the divorce. I learned that he's the type of person who won't act until there's some serious, even threatening external motivation. Path of least resistance and all that. I have no experience with marriage and divorce of my own, so I can't really grasp how devastating it can be. And I ask myself... Should I cut him some slack? He often said how stressful and painful this period of his life is. I don't know what it's like to carry that sort of a burden. All I know are my hurt OW feelings that he's not dealing with things the way I think he should be dealing with things and my feelings of betrayal because I was lied to. He's not a bad person, but his coping and decision making mechanisms are definitely flawed. Apart from that, he was pretty much perfect and I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. While I'm very happy with NC and have no desire to break it, it does cross my mind sometimes if it's worth giving him another chance if he indeed gets divorced. Not holding my breath here, just thinking.

 

We were both married when we first met, I separated within a few weeks and divorced about a year and a half later (waiting period in our state and no major rush for my ex or myself. The divorce was very amicable). For him, he was separated and divorced a little over a year and a half. Yes he was very honest with everything and lying to me, especially on the above would have been a major issue for me. First the lying is a major issue, and two the need to have someone pushing something to propel him forward.

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

We were together 3 years when he left and we moved in together. There was NEVER any waffling. He was divorced within 9 months. There were no more lies and we have been married 5 years now. If a man waffles or lies then he doesn't love anyone but himself. If he's the same person why even bother thinking about dating him again? Consider that you dodged a bullet. I was lucky that my H actually became a better person and father after doing counseling and getting right with everyone.

[rosedl]

My ex was loooooooooooong separated from his wife (near 10 years living apart), so I didn't even really consider myself the OW when I got together with him. He told me that the relationship was over and it just a financial arrangement. Until I told him that I wouldn't stay married to him if he stayed married....then, the manipulations began. Finally, he broke up with me over it when I kept asking for a timeline which he kept changing and I got really angry. A few months later we reconciled and DID initiate the divorce process with lawyers and such. Soon, however, he was talking about how he wished that I didn't care if he stayed married because it was a huge financial liability and it was a total headache for both him and his wife. You are going to be shocked to hear that not long after this comment, he broke up with me again basic blaming me for the reason he was distancing himself. My suspicion, he isn't going to divorce. He is going to just remain married. His wife didn't want the divorce anyway. Just a hunch but since he inundated numerous time that I was the reason he was doing it (to get within my boundaries), I suspect he will choose to remain married unless his wife wants to proceed (she stands to gain A LOT in alimony). Or, maybe he did just change his mind. I think he also stayed married because he is a commitment phobe and finalizing it would have made him FAR too available. If he wants to divorce, he will just do it with no stories or games. If you have to push him, it wont turn out well.