MissLY Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Has anyone ever had an issue with meeting the pals of the man or woman you're currently dating? I just recently met two female friends of my current boo and I have to say...I was very annoyed with them. One of them hardly talked to me at all yet she still went up to my guy asking "why her? whats so special about her? I mean, you can't marry this girl, she practically looks like your sister!" The second girl was really sweet but I felt like she kept testing me to see how much I liked him and to see how "smart" or "cultured" I was with certain topics etc. I was super sweet to her as well yet she still felt the need to tell my guy "ehh, she seems a little hesitant and uncomfortable around me". I guess I get it, but still, I can't tell if they're hating or genuinely care for his happiness. I just hate the feeling of constantly being judged or picked apart by people who my man considers to be good friends of his. Anyone have similar stories?
BlametheIrish Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I treat my male friends like brothers. I want to know that any potential gf is good enough for them too, just like K would do for my female friends. Ive always been nice to my male friends girlfriends so they can meet me and know I'm no threat to.their relationship. I have zero attraction to.my.male friends and have never slept wiyh any of them. To date ive only had one issue with one of my best friends girlfriends being jealous of our relationship. We hung out more and she got over it. Me and her even hang out alone sometimes Thats how a healthy male/female friendship works. One of your boyfriends friends seems to.want him pretty.bad. And the other may just be acting like a,picky sid wanting the best for her bro. Either way one acted rude to your face and the one who.kept qiestioning you acted rude behind your back. He needs to.tell his friendx to.respect your relationship and if they don't then he should distance himself from them big time. What did he say in response to.the one who said " Why her?" She sounds,like a real word that rhymes with runt. Why have friends why try and squash your happiness? Makes no sense at all.
nescafe1982 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Wait, aren't you the same OP who wrote about how women flirt with your BF? (checks other post) Yes, you were. Sounds like your BF is keeping inappropriate company. I venture your problem isn't the other women... it's your BF. If he's hanging around, flirting with other women, and condoning comments like the ones you describe here, he's not relationship material. 8
Lady2163 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I don't know how old you are, but im guessing 25 or younger. If I had a boyfriend my age or older and he TOLD me the negative things his "friends" said, the relationship would all but be over. At my age, I'm thinking of the future, I'm thinking of living together, having a mortgage, getting married. If he told me his friends said those things or if his friends treated me that way, bottom line is: for us to have a forever future, those friends have to go. They sure as hell wouldn't be allowed in any house where I'm living. Telling you what they said, now makes you uncomfortable around them. It serves ZERO positive purpose. He just did that to make you feel bad and manipulate. My prediction: he's a jackass, but it will take you a while to figure that out yourself. 6
DorkBreakfast Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Seriously, there is a reason why people in relationships have less and less friends as they get older. It's a juvenile thing. Hopefully he grows out of it and you stop caring what they think.
Keenly Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Well, it didn't take long to shift blame from the people actually doing the talking to the boyfriend. Interesting how its now the mans fault. While.its extremely catty and bitchy what they did, how is it HIS fault.
Lady2163 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 What he did was plant doubt in her mind. His friends were catty and he repeated that, which was not necessary. What good did it do? How will it benefit the relationship? If you are boss of more than 5 people, there's probably one rat fink in the mix. They are the ones that tell you every time someone talks smack about you, lies about being sick, lies about anything, commits violations etc. there's a pretty good chance you can't do anything with the information you are given, but stew on it.
KatZee Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Two words for you: Good luck. You're really going to need it. I'll tell you my story and then you can take from it what you will and hopefully have a far better experience than I did. After a few months of being friends, my now ex and I started dating. He was hesitant to bring me around his female friends, so I didn't meet any of them until we were officially bf/gf for like 1.5-2 months. Before me, he was dating this girl for 6 years. The first night I met them, they made me cry. My ex decided to have them all over his house so it was a more comfortable environment for me. The second two of them walked in, I was sneered at, given dirty looks and I got a real nasty and sarcastic, "Hi. Nice to meet you." Followed by more sneers and eye rolls. It was a pretty low key night, board games, etc, and at one point during the game one of the girls whipped out her cell phone and started furiously texting, huffing and puffing, glaring at me, furiously texting, and then out of no where gets up, storms out of his house and slams the front door. We hear her outside on the phone. My ex's female friends hated me from day 1. Without even bothering to get to know me, without even giving me half of a chance. They had been "best friends" with his girlfriend before me, and they thought it was SUPER mature to hold a loyalty to his ex, and to treat me like garbage. Apparently that girl had gone outside to call his ex and to talk s.hit about me, tell her about me... and whatever else she did. I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I started hysterically crying, because this was NOT something I had signed up for. Our relationship was between us, not between us and his friends, and it wasn't his friend's business to meddle the way they did. I dated my ex for close to three years and in no point during those three years did I ever become friends with these girls. I would find out all the time of all the backstabbing, s.hit talking, immature behavior going on behind the scenes. They would run to his ex and tell her that they hated me, and then they would act phony to my face and pretend we were cool. There would be periods of time where I actually thought we were bonding and getting closer and then BAM, I would find something out, or something would happen, smacking me right back in the face with the reality that we would never be friends. One night one my ex and I weren't invited to go out and I found out one of the girls had placed bets with everyone to determine when he would dump me. I was blatantly ignored, and left out of group things. Sometimes my ex and I were completely just not invited places because they wanted to hang out with his ex. It got to the point where my ex started hanging out with his friends without me because I was always so sad, and it was clear they were never going to accept me. One night we were out at a bar and I was watching the band and I turn around and one of the girls is staring at me directly and whispering behind her hand to the girl next to her, and when the other girl spotted me she took her friend by the shoulder and turned themselves both around so their backs were to me and continued talking s.hit about me right there. Another night I was actually invited out for "girl's night" and I show up, and they had invited my bf's ex. It was the most awkward situation I had ever been in, and it was that night where people were again talking about me behind my back b/c my bf at the time had cheated on me with his ex. And there we were, together at the same table, and they all knew. I'm sure they were laughing about it, gloating, saying how stupid I was. I never did ONE THING to any of these people. I never put my nose where it didn't belong, I didn't get involved in drama or gossip or anyone's business. I was always trying so hard to be nice, drive people home, make food for holiday events. I was always cordial, I was never snotty or bitchy. At most, I was just frequently quiet and they never actually saw who I was as a person because I was so uncomfortable being around them. I always dreaded when we had to hang out with them. And as far as some of it being my ex's fault, yes. It was. He stood up for me MAYBE once or twice. That's it. The rest of the relationship I lived in misery. He never took me seriously when I said I was uncomfortable being around his friends. If I told him what I had heard he would just laugh, or say "I don't want to be involved. There's nothing I can do about it." One particularly bad night when one had been a mega bitch to me, my boyfriend had said, "You don't bend over backwards far enough for my friends. They are allowed to treat you like that because they've been around longer than you. You're not allowed to say anything to them or be a bitch back." This was when we had been together for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. So basically I had to sit and take it. I took it for close to 3 years. That relationship, hands down, has been the most toxic, destructive, soul sucking, and confidence eating thing I've ever been in. I can't even believe I stayed as long as I did. His whole group of friends is like a black hole, full of evil, nasty, immature, and pitiful human beings. 3
winny Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Well, it didn't take long to shift blame from the people actually doing the talking to the boyfriend. Interesting how its now the mans fault. While.its extremely catty and bitchy what they did, how is it HIS fault. These women are his friends. He is supposed to know what kind of people they are and take the side of his girlfriend and stop them if they are crossing any lines. The company we keep defines us. Same goes for this man also. If he wasn't able to see what the 2 women were doing to his girlfriend... he is simply stupid. Or if he did understand and still did nothing about it... he is a jerk. OP - Buckle up! No need to be super sweet. You have to be very shrewd with such women (whether they are friends of your bf or people you work with or anyone else). Don't get offended if they say rude things... laugh on their face and jokingly say something in return which will show them that to you they are nothing but some ignorant females who don't know how to behave. And they are unable to affect you in any negative way. If you do this every time you see them, slowly they will learn to keep quiet. 2
winny Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 You are a real males advocate.always defending your gender.lol. I know!!! Seriously!!! We know what he will say even before reading his post 1
CrystalCastles Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Well, it didn't take long to shift blame from the people actually doing the talking to the boyfriend. Interesting how its now the mans fault. While.its extremely catty and bitchy what they did, how is it HIS fault. And heeeere we go again with the woman-hating and how it's never the man's fault because oh right, he's a saint. Stop defending the guy's actions. He shouldn't have told his gf about his b*tchy friends. Instead, he should have defended his gf and told his "friends" to stop treating his gf like sh*t. They are obviously not going to take any initiative to treat the OP well, so that's where the bf needs to step it up and defend his gf. Only he didn't do that. 5
AntiSocal Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Did they tell you this? Or did he tell you this? That seems kinda weird to me. Usually my girlfriends friends love me. If the person likes you, there friends can usually tell when they are happy, and they'll grow to like you to. Either way hisfriends aren't part of your relationship. Be a good girlfriend to him, make him happy, and they will either: A. Grow to like you B. He will dump them as friends because they will start to be the source of his unhappiness. Whatever you do don't try to seperate him from his friends. Or drive a wedge between them. IF you feel that you aren't comfortable around them? Hangout with him alone. But don't try to keep him from his girlfriends AT ALL. Because then when push comes to shove and they decide to make him choose? He'll surely choose the one who is giving him more freedom.
Keenly Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Woah ladies, slow down. First of all, I defend those who deserve the defense. I've defended women plenty of times on this forum . What I was curious about, is why it became HIS fault that his friends said terrible things. That's all... I mean so far I've been accused of woman bashing ( don't know where that came from ) and " coming to the mans rescue". No. If I really have to explain how I think, I am objective. I look at every situation with a blank unbiased slate, and try and see what the posts say. I get my Impressions based on how they read, and this one read to me like the dude has bitches for friends. Not surprising , as womenare vveryoftrn unnecessarily cruel to each other. Where I'm confused is how the responsibility for his friends being bitches shouldn't be placed on him. Be mad that he didn't stand up to them and defend you, but blaming him for the actions of others is not something I can get behind.
KatZee Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Either way hisfriends aren't part of your relationship. Be a good girlfriend to him, make him happy, and they will either: A. Grow to like you B. He will dump them as friends because they will start to be the source of his unhappiness. Whatever you do don't try to seperate him from his friends. Or drive a wedge between them. IF you feel that you aren't comfortable around them? Hangout with him alone. But don't try to keep him from his girlfriends AT ALL. Because then when push comes to shove and they decide to make him choose? He'll surely choose the one who is giving him more freedom. Not necessarily true at all. My ex's friends never "grew" to like me, and he never dumped his friends for me, despite all the drama they brought to our relationship. He always took their side over mine, allowed them to behave poorly, never stood up for me, meanwhile I was the one who always supported HIM was there for HIM, did everything and anything for him. Meanwhile his female friends were just straight BITCHES. These were girls who he told me so many times were "not the same people they had once been." He even openly called one a "c.unt." But when it came down to it, they came first, not me.
Keenly Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Not necessarily true at all. My ex's friends never "grew" to like me, and he never dumped his friends for me, despite all the drama they brought to our relationship. He always took their side over mine, allowed them to behave poorly, never stood up for me, meanwhile I was the one who always supported HIM was there for HIM, did everything and anything for him. Meanwhile his female friends were just straight BITCHES. These were girls who he told me so many times were "not the same people they had once been." He even openly called one a "c.unt." But when it came down to it, they came first, not me. I'm sorry to hear that. A man in love ( one with balls at least ) will forsake all others. 1
CrystalCastles Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Where I'm confused is how the responsibility for his friends being bitches shouldn't be placed on him. You're right, he can't control the actions of his friends. What he can do, however, is get rid of them. They are toxic to the relationship and they are toxic to his happiness. True friends will be happy for you if they see you're happy. They may discreetly advise you to get out of a bad relationship/situation but that's all they can do- advise. It is not their place to make any unsolicited public commentary. The relationship of this guy and the OP is both the OP's and her bf's responsibility. The bf's friends acted out of line so it was the bf's responsibility to tell them off. The bf is acting like he doesn't really care which is a bad sign.
nescafe1982 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Woah ladies, slow down. What I was curious about, is why it became HIS fault that his friends said terrible things. I will only speak about my post to OP. But I blame her BF for not standing up for his woman, and for keeping company with ****ty, unsupportive friends. That's on him. However, I also responded (inter-threadually) to another post made by this same OP regarding the same incident. In the other post, she makes these catty comments about the other women... and only about the other women. Hence, my remark was more along the lines of "you're in a relationship with a man that's not treating you right. It's his fault he's not supporting you, but it's yours if you stay with him." Catty friends are not blameless, of course. BUT- they are his friends, and he's responsible for standing up for his woman. Just as the OP is responsible for deciding whether or not to stay with the BF after this incident. 1
Keenly Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I will only speak about my post to OP. But I blame her BF for not standing up for his woman, and for keeping company with ****ty, unsupportive friends. That's on him. However, I also responded (inter-threadually) to another post made by this same OP regarding the same incident. In the other post, she makes these catty comments about the other women... and only about the other women. Hence, my remark was more along the lines of "you're in a relationship with a man that's not treating you right. It's his fault he's not supporting you, but it's yours if you stay with him." Catty friends are not blameless, of course. BUT- they are his friends, and he's responsible for standing up for his woman. Just as the OP is responsible for deciding whether or not to stay with the BF after this incident. Absolutely he should have stood up for her. Right then and there. Do we really know if we didn't ? I can't seem to figure out if this happened in her presence or If she was later informed.
nescafe1982 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Absolutely he should have stood up for her. Right then and there. Do we really know if we didn't ? I can't seem to figure out if this happened in her presence or If she was later informed. I agree, more info would be useful if OP returns to this thread. But OP did state in another thread that women frequently flirt with her BF, even in front of her. Which leads me to conclude that he's not shutting this type of behavior down.
MissBee Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Well, it didn't take long to shift blame from the people actually doing the talking to the boyfriend. Interesting how its now the mans fault. While.its extremely catty and bitchy what they did, how is it HIS fault. Why is he reporting to her what his friends said and why is he condoning their behavior??? It's not his fault that they're being catty but it is certainly within his control to report catty messages and to condone them and have such 'friends' in his life. The point people are making is that: your bf chose these catty women as friends and doesn't seem to put them in their place when they're dissing you but seems to report back with glee...therefore knowing that and seeing how he operates it is up to you to decide if you want this person in your life. I have only had one boyfriend with many female friends and when I met them they were nice to me and we got on, but if I had met them and they were bitchy and were asking him blatantly why me and he didn't put them in their place and actually reported back about it and kept up these friendships like it was all good...I would have had to opt out as I simply cannot be with someone who has inappropriate boundaries and who will allow the people in his life to treat me poorly. I don't need to be bffs with my boyfriend's friends but if the majority of the people he chooses to be around are women who have poor manners who are outright bitches towards me, then I would really doubt his judgment and his values. Even if my friends didn't fancy a bf of mine, they are all well-mannered decent people who are never going to treat him poorly, who does that unless you're 15 yr old and starring in a "Mean Girls" movie. I also think as others have pointed out based on her other threads, that this bf of hers seems to have too-close-for-comfort relationships with his female friends where they act like they are his gfs and act in weird, jealous possessive ways that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. If your bf allows that then that is on him and up to you to decide if that is reasonable behavior you want to deal with. Edited January 4, 2014 by MissBee
veggirl Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I can't date a guy if his friends and I don't get along. It's too hard. Like Kat, I did for 3 yrs. His girl friends would set me up for "jokes" and all laugh at me. they also took on bets on us breaking up. They didn't typically say sh*t right to my face but would make nasty "subtle" comments directed at me. They would text him mean things about me. This guy ALWAYS defended his friends too. Never again. I'd bail, seriously. If he didn't stand up for me straight away, I'd perhaps have ONE talk about it with him but that's IT. If the chicks weren't put in their place, by him ASAP, I'd simply walk. 2
KatZee Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You're right, he can't control the actions of his friends. What he can do, however, is get rid of them. They are toxic to the relationship and they are toxic to his happiness. True friends will be happy for you if they see you're happy. They may discreetly advise you to get out of a bad relationship/situation but that's all they can do- advise. It is not their place to make any unsolicited public commentary. The relationship of this guy and the OP is both the OP's and her bf's responsibility. The bf's friends acted out of line so it was the bf's responsibility to tell them off. The bf is acting like he doesn't really care which is a bad sign. EXACTLY. One of the girls in my ex's group once went up to him while we were out at a beer garden. I didn't know this happened until months later, but apparently when we were there, she went up to my bf, pulled him aside--- and this was before she ever had ONE conversation with me. This was early on in our relationship, she did not know me, we had never met, we had never hung out, etc.--- anyway, she pulled him off to the side and proceeded to tell him that we were not a good couple and that we weren't a good fit. My ex did NOTHING. He didn't even tell me that this girl did this. I found this out months later by one of the other girls who thought it was hilarious to run her mouth with gossip and make me feel like s.hit.
Leigh 87 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 My ex boyfriends friends didn't like me. One girl, who was by NO MEANS better looking than me (to put it politely), told my ex that I wasn't good looking enough for him. Oh, and got her friend to add me on fb so she could " see how plain I was":sick: His best mate tried to kiss me once. When my ex was sleeping in the next room. When I told my ex bf, he confronted him. The guy who tried to kiss me and his feral gf procceeded to abuse the hell out of me... The girlfriend was a good friend of my ex for years. After her bf tried to kiss me, she sent long face book messages, filled with the most vile and abusive language you could possibly come up with. She told me that my ex didn't love me, that I wasn't good enough for him; among a lot more disgusting abuse. He ceased talking to these so called "good friends":sick: until maybe a year later, when he talked to her again. He even met up with her once, only to come back and tell me what a loser she had become.
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