Bigcitydreamer Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) I've been on this site for a while and you don't see a whole lot of people talking about how hard breakups are for the dumper too. I recently broke up with my long term bf who I genuinely loved with all of my heart. In the beginning he was so perfect not a flaw that I could see. He was affectionate, selfless, caring and fun. It was the happiest I ever was and I was sure I had found my husband. As time wore on though I found him to get meaner and meaner. He started putting himself before me in most situations, he just overall started treating me worse. We had so many ups and downs. So many dramatic breakups and get back together over 3 years. Well I recently broke up with him and it hurts so bad. I'm in a constant state of worry like maybe I made a mistake. I keep remembering the good times and not the bad now that we are actually broke up. Problems that we had were pretty big ones. He never seemed to be happy, we didn't enjoy the same activities, we both liked living in completely different spots, plus we argued about things all of the time. He has repeatedly told me I'm too alpha and that he wanted to lead and make decisions. So yeah it's just hard on both sides. Many times the dumper doesn't want to do the breaking up but they feel like there is no hope that the arguments and differences will stop. I hope I made the right choice and ill eventually get over this. Edited January 3, 2014 by Bigcitydreamer 2
Philosoraptor Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I support the right to do what one feels is best for themselves. With that said you have to trust that the person you were at the time, the one whom had to deal with the relationship, made the best decision for you future. You can't rely on the person you are now, whom overemphasizes the good parts, to make a logical decision. 3
iworthmore Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 sorry for that. i hope you made the right decision and wont regret it. anyway ur the dumper and u have reason for being so. he's too alpha and he was mean to u. sorry to hear that it hurts, it shud be cuz u love him. but not all dumper's r like u. ur decision based on a reason. legitimate reason. while other dumpers just end things. because of whatever reason that sometimes leaving the dumpee wondering and stuck in those thoughts. like myself :-) most dumpers don't suffer the BU. both genders. wish u the best and good luck
Mondmellonw Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I wasn't on a long term, but I didn't wanted to break up. I did and he showed his true self. Everything still hurts a bit. I felt like you, I had remorse. But, well. It just wasn't working... Hope you get well soon and recover from all of this my best wishes.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 It seems like there are at least 2 kinds of relationships that end: one where one person loses feelings for no apparent reason, and the other where the problems are obvious and neither want the breakup but it has to happen to make both people's lives better. I tried telling my ex the problems many times but he never believed they were valid problems. He thought I should be great full that he was never THAT bad to me. Looking back now I probably didn't justify the problems he saw in our relationship also. That's a regret I have already. Relationships are really hard. At this point I just feel like its all not even worth it to be in one. I felt like I was constantly sacrificing my needs and he felt the same way and neither of us felt satisfied at the end of the day. The fighting was so constant even though I knew in my heart I didn't want to fight with him but they just wouldn't stop. I don't know if he was unhappy with me or if I was unhappy with him. I'm at a pretty crucial point in my life. I'm doing a really hard program in school and its my second degree and I need to focus on working and school and I can't handle daily fighting and worrying about my security. I wanted nothing more than this relationship to work because I enjoy his company and am attracted to him but no matter how many times we broke up and reconciled things could would never get better. Maybe some people are just not meant to be. I hope that's the case because I didn't break up with him due to lack of love or feelings. I hope that's normal because my friends have advised me to wait until the point that the feelings die out but I'm finding it too hard to get to that point with my sanity intact.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I forgot to thank you for your responses. I really appreciate your opinions and support I hope I can gain the confidence to trust in myself and that I made the best decision.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Hi there. I relate to a lot of your post. I loved my ex like crazy and thought he was it. The early days were like a dream. I had not been that happy and hopeful in years. And he wanted to marry me, and was taking clear steps toward that. But as time went on and he got more comfortable, he became more critical and controlling, less thoughtful and attentive. He also told me I was too demanding and suggested I tone it down and be content with a good guy who wanted to "take care of me". I told him that if he wants a submissive woman who will take whatever he gives like a good little servant, he can find that - but it's not me. I still think about him and miss him. But I also feel confident I made the right choice to end it. He didn't treasure me and truly appreciate me, and I'll never be happy in those conditions, no matter what else he brings to the table. How long ago did you break up? It's been almost 3 months for me, and I'm feeling better and stronger by the day
somedude81 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 There are situations where I feel that a dump is warranted and the dumper is deserving of support. Though there are others where a dump comes out of nowhere and it's for BS reasons, if they are any at all, and then the dumper deserves nothing but scorn. 1
InnocentMan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Try and stop thinking of yourself as a 'dumper', and see it more as a situation that was untenable, for both parties. The word 'dumper', implies that you no longer care about what you have 'dumped'. This is obviously untrue. You may have been the one to finally end things, but situations like this kinda play themselves out. Edited January 3, 2014 by InnocentMan 1
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Hi there. I relate to a lot of your post. I loved my ex like crazy and thought he was it. The early days were like a dream. I had not been that happy and hopeful in years. And he wanted to marry me, and was taking clear steps toward that. But as time went on and he got more comfortable, he became more critical and controlling, less thoughtful and attentive. He also told me I was too demanding and suggested I tone it down and be content with a good guy who wanted to "take care of me". I told him that if he wants a submissive woman who will take whatever he gives like a good little servant, he can find that - but it's not me. I still think about him and miss him. But I also feel confident I made the right choice to end it. He didn't treasure me and truly appreciate me, and I'll never be happy in those conditions, no matter what else he brings to the table. How long ago did you break up? It's been almost 3 months for me, and I'm feeling better and stronger by the day Wow your situation does sound a lot like mine.. Especially the critical and controlling part and that I perceived him to want a submissive gf which my ex openly admitted to. He said I am too demanding and expect too much but I can't change who I am. I don't think expecting to go on a date night once a month is too much or that he would be understanding when I went back to school. Instead he became selfish and always focused on himself at the end of the day. It sucks because he did do a lot for me in certain ways. A lot of his giving was financial. He is well off for someone his age and I felt like he pretty much thought he could buy my love. I didn't feel genuine emotional support from him. Is provide examples of arguments but that's a thread in itself haha. We officially broke up 2 nights ago. It's the first time we broke up without an argument to cause the breakup. I haven't been feeling well about things all Xmas. I felt he didn't care about my needs. I decided to not say a word to him about any issues because he doesn't care to rescue them anyway, and just sat back and watched to see if I could be with him as he is forever. And with the holidays just passing he pulled so many selfish moves that I just feel too disrespected at this point. He made everything about him and his friends and his needs and wants the holiday that I didn't get to do the things I wanted to do.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Try and stop thinking of yourself as a 'dumper', and see it more as a situation that was untenable, for both parties. The word 'dumper', implies that you no longer care about what you have 'dumped'. This is obviously untrue. You may have been the one to finally end things, but situations like this kinda play themselves out. Yeah that's true. I also thought about that but I label myself as a dumper for lack of better words. I was the one to break up though and he didn't want to. We would still be together if I hadn't had that talk so I had to make a decision. I think my situation is a lot more common than people realize. A lot of dumpers out there are very saddened by the way things ended and are not extremely sure of themselves. They are just hoping that the decision is best for both people.
Mariposa10 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 How old are you two? and how long were you two together?
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I'm 25 and he's 27. Together 3 years exactly.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 That's one of the saddest cases to be so in love & yet not compatible x trust me u will meet your match x gonna be the one that got away x
Ruby Slippers Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Wow your situation does sound a lot like mine.. Especially the critical and controlling part and that I perceived him to want a submissive gf which my ex openly admitted to. Same here. He's the most dominant guy I've ever been with. In some ways I loved that and found it very hot, but I tried to explain to him that it would only work for me if he was a LOVING dominant - that is, if he took such good care of me that I was putty in his hands. He improved at that in some ways, but not enough. It sucks because he did do a lot for me in certain ways. A lot of his giving was financial. He is well off for someone his age and I felt like he pretty much thought he could buy my love. I didn't feel genuine emotional support from him. Again, same here! He paid for pretty much everything we did, bought me expensive (but quality) gifts, and told me he didn't care if I ever made another penny, because he would "take care of me for life". But I knew that "taking care of me" would come with a price - and that would be submitting to his will, being the obedient little wifey who didn't complain. That is just not me. And I told him he'll have no problem finding that. I'm sure that many women would be fine with being the obedient homemaker and sexual servant that he wants. I said I think he would get bored with such a person, though, and ultimately not respect her for being a doormat, and he agreed with that. (I also warned him that a woman who's not getting real love and sweetness is probably much more likely to cheat, so watch out for that.) We officially broke up 2 nights ago. Oh, so that's very recent. You have my sympathy! My advice is to have NO CONTACT with him. Read the NC guides on this forum. I was strict with my ex about not having any contact for at least 3 months. I haven't wavered on that, and I'm certain it's been essential to getting on with my life. I'm glad you posted, because it sounds like we dealt with a lot of the same crap, and can probably really relate on a lot of points. You did the right thing. Believe me, it was SO HARD to walk away from him, given how crazy about him I was and how much he was offering on a practical level. I just couldn't do it, without that real love, emotional support, and sweetness. Even though it's been hard, I walked away with my self-respect intact. That's something you and I can both feel good about Edited January 3, 2014 by Ruby Slippers
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Same here. He's the most dominant guy I've ever been with. In some ways I loved that and found it very hot, but I tried to explain to him that it would only work for me if he was a LOVING dominant - that is, if he took such good care of me that I was putty in his hands. He improved at that in some ways, but not enough. Again, same here! He paid for pretty much everything we did, bought me expensive (but quality) gifts, and told me he didn't care if I ever made another penny, because he would "take care of me for life". But I knew that "taking care of me" would come with a price - and that would be submitting to his will, being the obedient little wifey who didn't complain. That is just not me. And I told him he'll have no problem finding that. I'm sure that many women would be fine with being the obedient homemaker and sexual servant that he wants. I said I think he would get bored with such a person, though, and ultimately not respect her for being a doormat, and he agreed with that. (I also warned him that a woman who's not getting real love and sweetness is probably much more likely to cheat, so watch out for that.) Oh, so that's very recent. You have my sympathy! My advice is to have NO CONTACT with him. Read the NC guides on this forum. I was strict with my ex about not having any contact for at least 3 months. I haven't wavered on that, and I'm certain it's been essential to getting on with my life. I'm glad you posted, because it sounds like we dealt with a lot of the same crap, and can probably really relate on a lot of points. You did the right thing. Believe me, it was SO HARD to walk away from him, given how crazy about him I was and how much he was offering on a practical level. I just couldn't do it, without that real love, emotional support, and sweetness. Even though it's been hard, I walked away with my self-respect intact. That's something you and I can both feel good about Thanks Ruby Slippers. I really appreciate hearing your perspective. Makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who had to walk away from a situation other people might not have. I have often thought my ex was a catch and that some girl will be greatful for everything he does. He will definitely be a good father, is responsible and reliable and is hard working. But I definitely think he has issues too that he needs to change before he can have a healthy relationship. Too much focus on control and alpha it was weird. I have yet to meet a guy that makes me feel completely happy and respected. I feel like my standards are pretty high and maybe I can't back that up myself. I'm going to focus on being the person who can have high standards for how they want to be treated. A perfect example of an argument that we would have is that I feel like we're young and we should move somewhere cool and fun for a bit. He feels its a waste of time and money to do that and wants to build his family home now which is understandable. So I'd agree to that and say well we should take vacations so I can still explore the world. And he will then say I travel too much for work and I like my time off to be relaxing not spent in more airplanes. To me this is an unacceptable response and its unfair and it makes me resentful that he won't respect my goals and wishes. This is just one area in which we differ. There are many more. Trying to remind myself of the negatives so I don't feel too bad for the breakup.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I have often thought my ex was a catch and that some girl will be greatful for everything he does. He will definitely be a good father, is responsible and reliable and is hard working. But I definitely think he has issues too that he needs to change before he can have a healthy relationship. Too much focus on control and alpha it was weird. Yes, I relate to all of this, too. He's the most adult, responsible, hard-working guy I've ever been with, and I'm pretty sure he'll honor his commitments in marriage and as a father. I also feel that my ex has some issues with being repressed, arrogant, and way too controlling about everything. He told me that being with more free-spirited me really helped him relax and enjoy life more, and I could see that. I always felt like he'll make a great partner in 5-10 years once he matures and relaxes some. When we were together, he was wound tight as a coil. Very rigid and unyielding.
pickflicker Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 There are situations where I feel that a dump is warranted and the dumper is deserving of support. Though there are others where a dump comes out of nowhere and it's for BS reasons, if they are any at all, and then the dumper deserves nothing but scorn. No, all reasons are good reasons. They're ultimately letting you go instead of staying in an inadequate relationship. OP, you did a very hard, but necessary thing. More dumpers should tell their story, it's a brutal feeling when you have to be the one who ends it. Take care.
Haydn Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Agree. Pick your xmas was good? No, all reasons are good reasons. They're ultimately letting you go instead of staying in an inadequate relationship. OP, you did a very hard, but necessary thing. More dumpers should tell their story, it's a brutal feeling when you have to be the one who ends it. Take care. 1
pickflicker Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Agree. Pick your xmas was good? It was Haydn, and you? Further to my point, the reasons that we dump someone basically revolve around one reason - we don't want to be with someone anymore. We can couch it any way we want, but whatever the reason you get, BS or not, the person no longer wants to be with us. And we cannot expect them to. OP, in your situation, it had become untenable. I've been there. We try to go through life not deliberately hurting others, but dumping someone tends to fly in the face of that. It's hard, when you're a naturally empathetic person. I have tried to remember, when facing the situation, that I'm dishing out a small scale, temporary hurt, with the knowledge that long term, I have given them the opportunity (both of us, actually), to find a situation more suitable. I wish more dumpers would tell their story. They do not deserve scorn.
Haydn Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Really good Pick. Sorry OP. Ive dumped before and i never gave a reason, but i know that i probably saved that girl a lot of heartache in the the future. Me unhappy with her and staying it would have got toxic for her. Mind you my last ex was truly from planet insanity. It was Haydn, and you? Further to my point, the reasons that we dump someone basically revolve around one reason - we don't want to be with someone anymore. We can couch it any way we want, but whatever the reason you get, BS or not, the person no longer wants to be with us. And we cannot expect them to. OP, in your situation, it had become untenable. I've been there. We try to go through life not deliberately hurting others, but dumping someone tends to fly in the face of that. It's hard, when you're a naturally empathetic person. I have tried to remember, when facing the situation, that I'm dishing out a small scale, temporary hurt, with the knowledge that long term, I have given them the opportunity (both of us, actually), to find a situation more suitable. I wish more dumpers would tell their story. They do not deserve scorn.
HorseLuck Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) You're definitely not alone there, Bigcitydreamer. I was a dumper and I share similarities with you and RubySlippers regarding my situation. The feelings of regret and doubt you're experiencing are normal. When I ended things I was confused and regretted immediately (not after a couple of months). Didn't help in my case that I had him on a peda-stool. I also respect the ex very much; he's a great guy in many ways. It was a decision I didn't want to make. I've suffered through it because I did truly love him, even though I knew the decision was the smart one to make. For some reason I feel that I'm almost certain I've handled it worse than he has. During the last couple of months leading to the end, I felt he wasn't responding to my needs either. We were both miserable and stressed out. I had started learning how to become less submissive and more "direct" regarding our issues, and my bluntness seemed to make the fire worse. I remember telling him that if he wanted a girl who was going to keep her mouth shut while tending to his needs, to go find her. He required a certain level of respect from me that I eventually couldn't provide. There were other dynamics that came into play, but that ended up being the deal-breaker. The best thing you can do for yourself is go no contact. It will make things a lot easier in the long run. Edited January 4, 2014 by HorseLuck
Riou Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) I think it really depends on whether the dumper had been honest and communicated about the problems before breaking up.If the dumper had not communicated or not been honest then it's obviously someone who should reflect on himself/herself.Dumpers that claim to love you so much but couldn't even communicate to save the relationship are not worth any respect. Edited January 4, 2014 by Riou 3
JourneyLady Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 With the five year relationship, I didn't want to break up but finally had to. He was just causing too much drama in my life in addition to the problems I was already dealing with. Sort of strange hearing some descriptions from the dumpers, because they sound so much like the way it went for me. Perfect the first three months, then more and more criticism and selfishness from him, while I was sacrificing more and more of what I wanted and doing more for him out of love and care. Some things I wanted to help him with, he made impossible because of criticizing the way I did things instead of being happy to get some help. In the end, it was all about him. But I let go out of self-preservation, not lack of love. I was trying to be as good to him as my previous ex-h had been with me, basically. But I had more to deal with and I'm not as calm a person in that way (and didn't have a job I could escape to for eight hours a day). I guess we learn that when it's too perfect too soon, it's not a good sign... Most of the time, anyway.
somedude81 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 No, all reasons are good reasons. They're ultimately letting you go instead of staying in an inadequate relationship. OP, you did a very hard, but necessary thing. More dumpers should tell their story, it's a brutal feeling when you have to be the one who ends it. Take care. Inadequate relationship? What the heck does that mean? I wish my ex would post here and tell her story. I still have the suspicion that there were things she wasn't telling me.
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