mozzer77 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 i have a friend who was in relationship (which ended) but the bf still contacts her wanting to know all the ins and outs of her life (namely, her current bf situation). she does have a bf now but it seems to be a exact carbon copy of this previous relationship. she's the type of person who's really into that infatuated state of finding someone new in which it's all about spending all her time on the new guy, and then this infatuation fizzles after a couple of months. i found this: http://www.enotalone.com/article/2499.html the current bf seems to have just accelerated into phase 3. constant phone calls, controlling behavior. what should my advice be? namely, how she can get out of this cycle and, particularly, how to stop the current bf from getting more and more psycho.
helena abadi Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 this state of infatuation can also be called fusion. it's intense but superficial. she's either doesn't have the skills to form a long lasting, truely intimate relationship, or she doesn't want to. the state of fusion doesn't last very long. many relationships break up at this point. is short thrills is all she wants? controlling men are part of this fused state. what are her parents like? what's her father like? is he a controlling, overbearing person? my opinion is she needs some professional help to build relationship skills, and it sounds wise to distance herself from the psycho bf, with formal protection if need be.
Author mozzer77 Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 thanks for the eloquent response. she is currently seeing a therapist in which alot of her issues stem from a low sense of self and (i think) she copes by getting into some very sticky situations involving infidelity and using sex as a coping device. to answer your questions, mother: domineering and overbearing; father: distant. do you have any links on the web for "fusion"? thanks. edit: also, the current bf is a nerd w/ not much experience w/ girls; so i think that he's controlling b/c of insecurities of losing her or infidelity (based on her past)
Author mozzer77 Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 also, i told her that she's addicted to limerence (the psychological state of deep infatuation). she's addicted b/c she feeds off of this type of attention to help her feel good about herself. it's when she's falls out of this "high" that she gets into compromising situations.
Groovy Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 I think a lot of relationships, even ones that are sound and lasting have some period of infatuation. That is not calling your friends as much, talking on the phone all the time, thinking about them a lot. But I think when there's spying, false accusations, etc then that person needs help. I have never done that. There's a book called "Obsessive Love" out there. It talks about why certain people become obsessed. How it is triggered, recognizing what happens and stopping the behavior, seeing what is really in existence versus the truth that person can't see. I went through something similar with a girlfriend. I think for her, her parents were very controlling and somewhat cold so when she met someone who was like that she felt an association and a level of comfort.
helena abadi Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 our bf/gf relationships mirror patterns learned from relationships with our parents, which is why i asked if there was a controlling parent. the fact that she has one domineering and one distant seems classic for the bind she repeatedly finds herself in. we do what we know. we are comfortable with what we know. even if it's hopelessly dysfunctional. if she's getting help, then that's a big relief. it could be a bit of a long haul, tho. the state of fusion will be discussed by her therapist, i'm sure. try the website for Psychology Today for your own interest. one point of warning, if she's in therapy, then take a step back and avoid taking on a role as additional therapist. you obviously care a lot, which is just great, and you want clarity and insight. one therapist is enough for anyone. if what you tell her contradicts what's happening with the therapist, it may confuse her. listen well, but do remember you can't protect her from herself. if you try, then you may find yourself unwittingly in an over-managing, controlling position. if the bf is a nerd and inexperienced, then he may be floundering a bit in unfamiliar waters, but he is also using a blueprint he learned in his relationships with his parents.
Author mozzer77 Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 thanks very much... you seem to be hitting the nail on the head. i do care for her deeply and am trying to help w/ her issues. if i see a problem that hasnt been fixed, i do tend to try to put it on myself to "solve" the problem which hasnt been fixed yet. seeing the patterns isn't difficult; i guess it's trying to be the one to solve the problem. appreciate the advice again.
helena abadi Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 yep, you are trying to be the one who solves her problems, and it won't work. if she's taking advantage of the therapy, she will work through it eventually. it's hard to sit in the grandstand and watch someone you care about crash and burn on the court, but there's only so much we can do. in the end, it is her ballgame. we can't walk the walk for someone else. but we can be there as support when that person stumbles. if you catch yourself trying to take it upon yourself, try taking a physical step backwards, and visualise stepping back emotionally. repeat five times. i know it sounds odd, but it works for me. you sound really intelligent and aware, and a good friend to have in time of need. keep us posted on how you are travelling with this.
Author mozzer77 Posted January 8, 2005 Author Posted January 8, 2005 quite like the grandstand analogy!... and it IS hard to just sit and watch and see the same things happen again. thx again for the advice and kind words.
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