Zahara Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Gothic, you keep asking us what your response should be and how you should act when he makes contact. The fact that you spin things 47 different ways and do the complete opposite of what you intend to do, as you've patterned in the past, the best advice anyone can give you is to just wait till it happens and respond/react based on how he approaches you. There is no certainty he'll reach out. He may start seeing someone else. He may just want to be friends. He may just avoid you. The best thing to do is to follow his lead.
Mariposa10 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Oh my god, you're talking about Thora?! You can't compare your situation with her!! I can't even compare my situation with her and I was with my ex for almost 5 years!! And we were deeply, madly in love with each other! I'm not gonna give you the long list why we can't compare to her situation. I'm just gonna tell you one thing: SHE WENT COMPLETELY NC for 10 months. I could go on and on why you're situation cannot be compare to thora's but I think you know that. Move on. Stop speculating about the future. For all we know you can die tomorrow or I can die in an hr! Set your set free!! You're the only only one who can do it. Yes I understand that Mariposa. But I'm going to give an example again (sorry to the poster concerned); there was a recent poster, well known on here, who went nc for 10 months from her ex that had I think, alcohol or drug problems (can't remember which). They reconnected and he is acting totally differently to before. People can change. People aso read badly in stressful situations. We both had stuff going on in our lives at the time which may have affected our ability to be rational. I'm not saying I will meet him, I'm not saying he will contact me. I AM saying I will leave it to him to contact me, while continuing to wish him well in my own ,mind and hope that if he doesn't get in touch, he gets all he wants in life, as well as bettering myself by taking on new activities, meeting new friends, continuing learning to drive and setting up this referral to the mental health services, just in case I DO have other issues that need to be dealt with. As I keep saying, if he doesn't contact me then that's fine (I am of the thinking now that he wont get in touch anyway) and if he does and I choose to meet him, its a last chance saloon for both of us. If we get on with no tension then maybe a casual friendship could develop over time but if not, we both move on happily.
Author gothicrose Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 I'm not comparing my situation to anyone. I was simply making the point that people do change, if they are committed to doing so.
ravssss Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 yes things can change for the better .... there is no pattern like ppl say here ... u go NC for months and they come back to u being curious .... few cases pre mature reconcilation works ... its all case dependant ... right now all u need to do is be content being single ... and be strong emotionally .... getting over all the issues u r dealing with apart from this break up ... whether he comes to u or not ... u may expect it for some 3 months ... if he doesnt move on ... sounds hard ... but its not that hard when u have the will ...
Author gothicrose Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 So. On Sunday, I will be 3 weeks NC. I'm really excited for next Sunday when I will have done 4 weeks no contact. This is my longest ever, and although I've had a couple of cries during this time, its been sadness for what could have been, and how upsetting it is that we behaved the way we did. I really feel we should have met now rather than when we did, as he seems in a better frame of mind and I feel I'm getting there. I'm also annoyed. Annoyed I get taken in by someone who is clearly a drama queen and an attention seeker, I'm annoyed that he hasn't posted my darn possessions through my door...because although I don't want or need them, he said he would bring them with him 'when' he comes to see me after the investigation a work finishes. I'm fairly sure there IS no investigation, so I see it as pathetic that he's too scared to drop my things through my door early one morning, in case I go stirring things at his work. I know my anger is irrational,but whatever gets you through, right? Only thing is...why do I feel like there is no longer any point in seeing him again, but still I really really want to see him once the investigation has finished?
happyme Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Gothicrose I actually do feel for you... you (your insecurity buttons) I feel are being massively played. He's into this crap big time or he would simply disconnect. That will not happen until you do. It's up to you to see it and to do it. I wish you all the very best x
Author gothicrose Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) You mean he enjoys the drama in a weird way? Or did I read that wrong? If that's what you meant, I think I agree. My behaviour has been awful but the last time I went to his place (4 weeks ago now) he said he had met someone he really liked and been on 2 dates over the course of about 3 weeks, but she had dropped him when he mentioned he was being stalked. He also mentioned that stalking thing to one of my friends via Facebook; I got her to set up a fake profile and contact him say in she had seen him in the local shop and had to seek him out on Facebook...he replied asking to meet her that week, then said he had had some bad experiences, including being stalked. Now, I know all of the above stuff was crazy for me to do, in my defence it was 4 weeks ago so before this last time that he asked me to give him space into after the investigation, but the way he was bringing up 'being stalked' so soon after meeting these women seems strange to me. Maybe he was stresses by it, but even so I'd never mention something so freaky to someone I was trying to impress. Anyway. I'm 3 weeks NC today and really pleased with that ETA; forgot to say, I think he HAS disconnected. I don't think there is really an investigation, I think he said it in the hope that in a month or two when I hadn't heard from him, I would have finally given up...and its working, as with each passing day I'm realising it'd be pointless to see him again, even if he wanted to. I think the way he did it was a bit spineless, if he thought I was going to go psycho on him if he said outright 'leave me the heck alone' then he should've have just said it and dealt with it, but I don't blame him for taking the easier way out. I DID act crazy after all... Edited January 12, 2014 by gothicrose
happyme Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Yep, that's precisely what I mean. Your behaviour has been 'bad' indeed, but it's been a dance to his tune. He's been messing with your head and you're trying desperately to make sense of something which doesn't. He's playing games Gothic, and enjoying it. When you can see the sickness in him for what it is, you will be able to disconnect. Sure, he'll probably attempt to suck you in again but in a word: don't. He's poison. No contact is what I would advise, it will give you clarity and it will give you freedom. It will give you insights and it will give you confidence. And something else: he will be messing with the heads of everyone that allows it... because that's who he is. Good luck x
Fufu Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 All I can say is let it all go. Remove yourself from this situation. Concentrate on just yourself...
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