Meeting with ex in a few weeks?

[darkmoon]

he sounds like he does not know what he wants, take him as you find him, he screws you (yay) then calls you a stalker (boo) date others and him too, it will be more fun than this, he is quite the drama-king "I've got this woman chasing me, it's like she's stalking me, so I must be a really hot guy" pfft, he is not up to much, you could be out having a lovely dinner with somebody else

Edited January 3, 2014 by darkmoon

[BC1980]

Do you think it's okay to just show up at someone's house unannounced? You would be in jail if you were a man pulling this stuff. He was asking you to stay to get sex, not because he wants a relationship with you. He's talking to you through a window. At what point does this stop?

 

This is some kind of obsession at this point.

[gothicrose]

With respect, I'm not going to get into the whole argument about whether what I did was right or not.

 

I've been very impulsive and stupid, we all know that.

 

But for what its worth, I don't actually think turning up at someones house unannounced is a big deal. I'm in the UK so maybe you live somewhere that its frowned on or something, but for example a lot of my friends just pitch up and knock my door if they're at a loose end.

 

I realise this guy had asked for me to leave him alone, but I hate people that go all coward-like and instead of just talking, start pulling the stalker card.

 

For goodness sake; his first method of finding out my name was to go through my sons class register!

 

I just went up and knocked his door once, I didn't hammer on it or anything. He said he shouldn't let me in and I said I didn't want to come in, then asked him to open his window so he could at least hear what I had to say. That was all.

 

And I know, he asked me to stay for sex, the point I was making is in the past I'd have jumped at the idea but this time, I had already pre booked my taxi home and left on time.

 

Kind of sick of being judged when all I'm really asking is not whether I should reply to his potential future contact or not, but how to handle it if/when he come to see me.

 

And I was quite happy to talk to him through the window, it was only when he started crying and I kind of rubbed his arm (he had it resting on the windowsill) trying to comfort him, that. Asked him if he could step outside.

He did that, he couldve said no and he certainly didn't have to grab me and start trying to kiss me almost straight away! He also didnt have to invite me inside and ask me scooch down so my head was restng on his shoulder. he even said on the Saturday during that phone call that I had shown such a caring side of me when I was rubbing his arms when he wqa upset in "such a caring way", which is what led him to say he can't understand how he still likes me after all this rubbish that's gone on.

 

Maybe he was saying it...for some other reason, but its those comments that made me think maybe there is something there after all, even if its just a good basis for a friendship.

 

There are a few stories on here of previous alcohol and drug users reconnecting with exes successfully, if they've managed to change, then why can't it happen in this situation?

 

But as I said, I don't know for sure what I want or whether I will want to contact him, if he gets in touch with me.

 

All I do know is, I won't be in touch with him, until or unless he gets in touch first. And e might never do that.

Edited January 4, 2014 by gothicrose

[ravssss]

With respect, I'm not going to get into the whole argument about whether what I did was right or not.

 

I've been very impulsive and stupid, we all know that.

 

But for what its worth, I don't actually think turning up at someones house unannounced is a big deal. I'm in the UK so maybe you live somewhere that its frowned on or something, but for example a lot of my friends just pitch up and knock my door if they're at a loose end.

 

I realise this guy had asked for me to leave him alone, but I hate people that go all coward-like and instead of just talking, start pulling the stalker card.

 

For goodness sake; his first method of finding out my name was to go through my sons class register!

 

I just went up and knocked his door once, I didn't hammer on it or anything. He said he shouldn't let me in and I said I didn't want to come in, then asked him to open his window so he could at least hear what I had to say. That was all.

 

And I know, he asked me to stay for sex, the point I was making is in the past I'd have jumped at the idea but this time, I had already pre booked my taxi home and left on time.

 

Kind of sick of being judged when all I'm really asking is not whether I should reply to his potential future contact or not, but how to handle it if/when he come to see me.

 

And I was quite happy to talk to him through the window, it was only when he started crying and I kind of rubbed his arm (he had it resting on the windowsill) trying to comfort him, that. Asked him if he could step outside.

He did that, he couldve said no and he certainly didn't have to grab me and start trying to kiss me almost straight away! He also didnt have to invite me inside and ask me scooch down so my head was restng on his shoulder. he even said on the Saturday during that phone call that I had shown such a caring side of me when I was rubbing his arms when he wqa upset in "such a caring way", which is what led him to say he can't understand how he still likes me after all this rubbish that's gone on.

 

Maybe he was saying it...for some other reason, but its those comments that made me think maybe there is something there after all, even if its just a good basis for a friendship.

 

There are a few stories on here of previous alcohol and drug users reconnecting with exes successfully, if they've managed to change, then why can't it happen in this situation?

 

But as I said, I don't know for sure what I want or whether I will want to contact him, if he gets in touch with me.

 

All I do know is, I won't be in touch with him, until or unless he gets in touch first. And e might never do that.

hahaha true

[Simon Phoenix]

With respect, I'm not going to get into the whole argument about whether what I did was right or not.

 

I've been very impulsive and stupid, we all know that.

 

But for what its worth, I don't actually think turning up at someones house unannounced is a big deal. I'm in the UK so maybe you live somewhere that its frowned on or something, but for example a lot of my friends just pitch up and knock my door if they're at a loose end.

 

I realise this guy had asked for me to leave him alone, but I hate people that go all coward-like and instead of just talking, start pulling the stalker card.

 

For goodness sake; his first method of finding out my name was to go through my sons class register!

 

I just went up and knocked his door once, I didn't hammer on it or anything. He said he shouldn't let me in and I said I didn't want to come in, then asked him to open his window so he could at least hear what I had to say. That was all.

 

And I know, he asked me to stay for sex, the point I was making is in the past I'd have jumped at the idea but this time, I had already pre booked my taxi home and left on time.

 

Kind of sick of being judged when all I'm really asking is not whether I should reply to his potential future contact or not, but how to handle it if/when he come to see me.

 

And I was quite happy to talk to him through the window, it was only when he started crying and I kind of rubbed his arm (he had it resting on the windowsill) trying to comfort him, that. Asked him if he could step outside.

He did that, he couldve said no and he certainly didn't have to grab me and start trying to kiss me almost straight away! He also didnt have to invite me inside and ask me scooch down so my head was restng on his shoulder. he even said on the Saturday during that phone call that I had shown such a caring side of me when I was rubbing his arms when he wqa upset in "such a caring way", which is what led him to say he can't understand how he still likes me after all this rubbish that's gone on.

 

Maybe he was saying it...for some other reason, but its those comments that made me think maybe there is something there after all, even if its just a good basis for a friendship.

 

There are a few stories on here of previous alcohol and drug users reconnecting with exes successfully, if they've managed to change, then why can't it happen in this situation?

 

But as I said, I don't know for sure what I want or whether I will want to contact him, if he gets in touch with me.

 

All I do know is, I won't be in touch with him, until or unless he gets in touch first. And e might never do that.

 

Ugh at all of this.

[Mariposa10]

Anybody who thinks we're being harsh on OP, needs to check out her history.

 

OP, you need to move to a different city if you can't control yourself.

[gothicrose]

What do you mean if I can't control myself?!

[gothicrose]

All I have asked with this post, is if he sticks by what he said he would do and contacts me in a few weeks to meet up, should I just be friendly and chat or should I apologise and that kind of thing.

 

There is no need whatsoever to comment on whether you think meeting up is a good idea.

 

Mariposa, how you are saying I cannot control myself I don't know; yes my past behaviour has been terrible but I'm not going to contact him unless he gets in touch with me, and I'm assuming he probably won't contact me.

 

So what is your problem?!

 

Either answer the question I originally asked without judging, or don't post at all is all I ask.

[Xemyd]

If you two do meet up, just be pleasant. All that **** you did can be talked about at a later date, at this point, talking about it right off the bat, even if you are apologizing will probably just cause problems.

[Mariposa10]

I'm sorry. That's all the advice I can give you.

 

 

All I have asked with this post, is if he sticks by what he said he would do and contacts me in a few weeks to meet up, should I just be friendly and chat or should I apologise and that kind of thing.

 

There is no need whatsoever to comment on whether you think meeting up is a good idea.

 

Mariposa, how you are saying I cannot control myself I don't know; yes my past behaviour has been terrible but I'm not going to contact him unless he gets in touch with me, and I'm assuming he probably won't contact me.

 

So what is your problem?!

 

Either answer the question I originally asked without judging, or don't post at all is all I ask.

[gothicrose]

Yes, I was actually planning on just chatting normally, as we haven't had much of that since we split.

 

I either want a fresh start, or we not go our seperate ways and I think if he gets in touch, then just chatting in a lighthearted, fun way and then leaving any contact after that up to him, is the way to go.

 

If he doesn't get in touch with me in the next few weeks when he said he would, then obviously he has been happier not hearing from me so I have to respect that...which I haven't done before, as in the past I've bee chasing after him regardless.

 

I don't see a problem with my thinking at the moment tbh, but hey if you all think I'm obsessed...

[Xemyd]

If you meet up DO NOT talk about your relationship, it's over, it no longer exists. Don't even talk about any possibility of a future relationship with him, save it. Just talk normally, talk about the weather! You'll need to completely start over if you want anything good to happen, pretend it's a blind date and you know nothing about him. Just keep it light!

 

If he brings up the failed relationship, or trying again, just tell him "lets not talk about it right now, let's just have fun for now." Stop making yourself so available.

[Simon Phoenix]

How about just find someone else you can have a healthy beginning with or (gasp!) just be single, not worry about men and concentrate on your children? Everything about your interactions with your ex is poisonous, both how you react to him (chasing, showing up unannounced, badgering him with contact) and how he reacts to you (threatening to rape you, trying to bang you every time you do chase him). Instead of wondering what you should do if he gets in contact and how you'll react to it, why not go out of your way to move past this chapter of your life and put this man in your past? As long as you consider trying to interact with him in any way, you aren't where you are supposed to be.

 

This interaction with this man is extremely toxic. I know you'll go on some other spinning rant to prove that you aren't obsessed, but this man SAID HE WANTED TO RAPE YOU yet you keep him in your life and you harbor hope for him. I mean, what the hell is wrong with you? Why do you have so little self-respect? Why do you keep holding out for this man? Why do you keep chasing him? Yes, we say you are obsessed, because most people would have ditched this awful situation long ago, not keep trying to argue for it.

 

I'm sorry you don't like what we are saying, but the time for treating you with kid gloves passed months ago. At this point I hope you are making all of this up as part of a big ruse.

 

I'm not going to give you advice about how to handle a meet up because a) you are a f*cking imbecile if you do meet up with this man and b) even if I did give you advice, you'll ignore it and you'll go back to stopping over unannounced and badgering this man like you always do. I'm sorry, I have no faith in you to act like a rational, intelligent human being. If you had that in you, you wouldn't be considering meetups with this dude.

Edited January 4, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[gothicrose]

He said he gets so angry he felt like raping me, which yes is still bad but I know he didn't mean he wanted to hurt me.

 

Yes, I have been badgering him but I have no desire or intention to go back to that.

 

Don't bring my children into it; I'm 30 years old and have been steering clearing of any dating etc for 6 years. I work, have a nice house, am strong, intelligent and independent and I don't expect you to believe that based on my posts, but its true.

 

I am slowly getting me back, thanks to going to the mental health place for help with my OCD - which is actually what I think made me behave that way.

 

I was thinking last night that I don't want to meet him, there's no point etc., I was posting this thread JUST IN CASE he does get in touch when he promised he will and at that point, I feel like I want to try meeting him.

 

So I ask that if you're not able to answer the question I am asking; don't come on here to judge or pass comment on my life choices, don't post to say you're not going to post - just don't post.

 

Its always the same little clique hanging around my threads which discourages everyone else!

[Mariposa10]

Because you're still asking the same thing!!! How can there be new feedback???

 

 

 

 

He said he gets so angry he felt like raping me, which yes is still bad but I know he didn't mean he wanted to hurt me.

 

Yes, I have been badgering him but I have no desire or intention to go back to that.

 

Don't bring my children into it; I'm 30 years old and have been steering clearing of any dating etc for 6 years. I work, have a nice house, am strong, intelligent and independent and I don't expect you to believe that based on my posts, but its true.

 

I am slowly getting me back, thanks to going to the mental health place for help with my OCD - which is actually what I think made me behave that way.

 

I was thinking last night that I don't want to meet him, there's no point etc., I was posting this thread JUST IN CASE he does get in touch when he promised he will and at that point, I feel like I want to try meeting him.

 

So I ask that if you're not able to answer the question I am asking; don't come on here to judge or pass comment on my life choices, don't post to say you're not going to post - just don't post.

 

Its always the same little clique hanging around my threads which discourages everyone else!

[gothicrose]

And why do I argue for it, as you put it?

 

I believe in giving things or people a second chance.

 

We got into a cycle where we were both confused, both stressed, both acting very out of character (I believe) and actually, going from what he has said recently, not over upset that it got the way it did.

 

If he is willing to meet up with no prejudice and an open mind to see how we get on, then I am too.

 

That way, if I act my true, non psycho self and he is still a confused, emotional mess than rolls round the floor crying and tries the get physical with me, then I will know he is just an emotional **** up and not blame my behaviour, can't I.

 

I'd be giving him one final chance to be his true self, and him me.

[gothicrose]

Because you're still asking the same thing!!! How can there be new feedback???

 

No. This time, I simply asked.,.

 

 

If two people had a crappy time post break up but the dumper is willing to come and see the dumpee with an open mind, them how should the dumped handle it - act as though its a first date with a new person and just chat etc., or make sure to apologise for their part in the bad situation etc?

 

That question can be answered without making it specifically about me can't it.

[Kizmet Fisher]

He said he gets so angry he felt like raping me, which yes is still bad but I know he didn't mean he wanted to hurt me.

 

Yes, I have been badgering him but I have no desire or intention to go back to that.

 

Don't bring my children into it; I'm 30 years old and have been steering clearing of any dating etc for 6 years. I work, have a nice house, am strong, intelligent and independent and I don't expect you to believe that based on my posts, but its true.

 

I am slowly getting me back, thanks to going to the mental health place for help with my OCD - which is actually what I think made me behave that way.

 

I was thinking last night that I don't want to meet him, there's no point etc., I was posting this thread JUST IN CASE he does get in touch when he promised he will and at that point, I feel like I want to try meeting him.

 

So I ask that if you're not able to answer the question I am asking; don't come on here to judge or pass comment on my life choices, don't post to say you're not going to post - just don't post.

 

Its always the same little clique hanging around my threads which discourages everyone else!

 

Incorrect. A lot of people are discouraged from posting in your threads because you just don't listen. You refuse to get off this little merry-go-round of drama and leave a situation that is clearly effed up.

 

Also, your steering clear of dating for the sake of your kids would be admirable if the first guy you were trying to make part of your life (and by extension theirs) didn't threaten to rape you. You can try and excuse it, but it still happened. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.

[Mariposa10]

Before giving any advice. It's really important to know about information about the dumpee and the dumper. It's always good to know the context.

 

I know the context of your question. Don't take it as a personal attack, it's just that we see things with a cold heart/head. We just want you to be able to move on. We don't want you to be stuck in this situation any longer.

 

We just want you to feel better.

 

 

No. This time, I simply asked.,.

 

 

If two people had a crappy time post break up but the dumper is willing to come and see the dumpee with an open mind, them how should the dumped handle it - act as though its a first date with a new person and just chat etc., or make sure to apologise for their part in the bad situation etc?

 

That question can be answered without making it specifically about me can't it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Its always the same little clique hanging around my threads which discourages everyone else!

 

You actually think there's an army of silent people out there that think you are on the right track and they don't post because they are afraid of posters like me and some others? Take a lap. There's a reason why people say the same thing about you -- because most people can see what you willingly try to block out.

[Simon Phoenix]

No. This time, I simply asked.,.

 

 

If two people had a crappy time post break up but the dumper is willing to come and see the dumpee with an open mind, them how should the dumped handle it - act as though its a first date with a new person and just chat etc., or make sure to apologise for their part in the bad situation etc?

 

That question can be answered without making it specifically about me can't it.

 

But it is about you. We know it, you know it, everyone else knows it.

Edited January 5, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[gothicrose]

Yes I understand that Mariposa.

 

But I'm going to give an example again (sorry to the poster concerned); there was a recent poster, well known on here, who went nc for 10 months from her ex that had I think, alcohol or drug problems (can't remember which). They reconnected and he is acting totally differently to before.

 

People can change. People aso read badly in stressful situations.

 

We both had stuff going on in our lives at the time which may have affected our ability to be rational.

 

I'm not saying I will meet him, I'm not saying he will contact me.

 

I AM saying I will leave it to him to contact me, while continuing to wish him well in my own ,mind and hope that if he doesn't get in touch, he gets all he wants in life, as well as bettering myself by taking on new activities, meeting new friends, continuing learning to drive and setting up this referral to the mental health services, just in case I DO have other issues that need to be dealt with.

 

As I keep saying, if he doesn't contact me then that's fine (I am of the thinking now that he wont get in touch anyway) and if he does and I choose to meet him, its a last chance saloon for both of us. If we get on with no tension then maybe a casual friendship could develop over time but if not, we both move on happily.

[gothicrose]

But it is about you. We know it, you know it, everyone else knows it.

 

See my last post.

[gothicrose]

Simon, all I mean is all that was needed in response to my op was "in that situation, I would usually advise someone to just be light, chatty, fun and not bring up the past just yet" or whatever.

 

I know your view on me and the situation personally so a basic answer to the question was all that was needed.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, all I mean is all that was needed in response to my op was "in that situation, I would usually advise someone to just be light, chatty, fun and not bring up the past just yet" or whatever.

 

I know your view on me and the situation personally so a basic answer to the question was all that was needed.

 

I'm not going to contribute to your toxic obsession with this man or this situation at all.