Meeting with ex in a few weeks?

[gothicrose]

Hi, I was unsure about posing this as I know I will be flamed by anyone who read my previous threads, but here goes...

 

Can't remember how much you all know, but the brief version of recent events are:

 

Mid November, he slept with me one week after I went to see him, the week after that I went again and he called the police. No further action was taken by them as I was leaving when they arrived anyway.

 

Next day he told his work about the incident the night before (he works in the school my children go to) and I was called in to see the head teacher.

 

I told the entire truth about everything and I didn't see him until around the second week of December when I went to see him again. He wouldn't open the door but agreed to talk throughthe open window (yes, I KNOW...) and I apologised, he started crying and saying he had cared about me so much. I asked if he would come outside for a minute and he reluctantly agreed, sat on a wall and pulled me towards him so I was standing in between his legs and he was holding me tightly around my waist.

He tried to kiss me a couple of times, I was shivering as it was cold and he suddenly asked me inside. He sat on the sofa and gestured for me to sit down, asked why he had asked me n and he said he didn't know.

He said he had met someone recently he really liked but she had dropped him like a stone when he said he was being stalked...I asked again by he had asked me in then, and he said he didn't know...then started crying again! He said in his heart of hearts, he knows we don't have a future.

I said I had to leave at 8 as I had a taxi booked, he then asked me to rest my head on his chest as he hugged me, I said no at first but he kept saying please until I relented. He said it felt so great with me resting on him like that and at one point he started kissing me and I responded, he said part of him wanted me to miss the taxi but I said I had to go, so he walks me down to the main road. He held my hand as we walked down, I let go and he tried to grab my hand again, saying "come on, let's have a romantic walk for once" which I thought was a strange thing to say.

Before I left, I asked if he would see me again and he said he would come over on Friday (this was a Tuesday evening).

 

I texted him at 2pm on Friday to ask if I should get the kettle on for 8, no reply. Then phoned him at 7pm and he answered saying he wasn't coming over. My phone kept cutting off so I phoned I'm again Saturday morning and we had a long conversation where he told me that school were formally investigating him for breaching policy (its a faith school, so it might be our personal involvement they might disapprove of).

I told him I want to see him in person, he wasnt keen to do that as he said at the moment, any meeting would be tarnished by hate he then said he does care about me and can't understand why he still thinks I am a nice person after all that has gone on; he also said there is something about me and he still has mixed feelings towards me.

 

He then said he needs space whilst this investigation is going on and although he doesn't want to, he will come and see me once the investigation is over, whatever the outcome.

He said that he will come over wit as much open mindedness as he can muster and I can act however I want towards him. He then swore on his fathers grave as proof he was being truthful (he said its the most sacred thing to him and he would never break a promise made n it).

I said that by then, he would be putting his all into meeting someone and he said (well you're someone, aren't you?) and then said that when he comes over, he will bring my gloves...I didn't realise I had left them there last time I was out there, so I thought it strange he mentioned them. He also said that after some space, he can work out his feelings towards me.

 

Now. I am expecting to never hear from him again, and I am thinking he said all that stuff just to get me off the phone.

 

BUT what if he sticks to it and contacts me for a meeting once this investigation at school is over?

 

Should I stay NC at that point, or ask him over but just focus on a pleasant chat, rather than rehashing stuff and trying to determine/force feelings like I have in the past?

 

I went to my doctor before Christmas about my irrational and impulsive behaviour, he has referred me to the community mental health team as I said counselling doesn't help, I don't feel inclined to contact him at the moment (am only on 12 days NC so far) or to see him, and I am literally 50/50 about whether I actually want to see him again, or just leave things be now.

I am guessing the investigation will last a month or two so hopefully by then, I will feel like what we had was water under the bridge and best left there.

 

That's why I am posting this now, save reopening old wounds in 6-8 weeks time if he does contact me.

 

Sorry this is a bit muddled, trying to type on an iPad whilst cooking dinner

 

Summary: if he stick to his promise and texts me to arrange meeting up to talk in a few weeks, should I take the opportunity to just have a pleasant time/lighthearted chat as we never really managed that in the past, or would that be a bad idea?

 

Thanks in advance

[Philosoraptor]

I think if you go into anything with this guy you better have zero expectations, because that's exactly what you're going to get. He seems to use you when he wants you then finds a way to flip things around. He's a pretty good manipulator and you have made yourself a pretty easy target being so hopeful for what he has even told you is meaningless.

[thompkevin]

Well, considering you posted it in the second chances section, you want to get back together. So I'd say if he contacts you, have a pleasant time and don't talk about the past.

[BC1980]

So you finally got the police called on you, and you are still plotting to see him again. We have told you so many times to let this go. I don't know what else to say. He's called you a stalker, an investigation is going on. I just don't know what to say anymore, but it's an obsession and scary.

[Mariposa10]

So you finally got the police called on you, and you are still plotting to see him again. We have told you so many times to let this go. I don't know what else to say. He's called you a stalker, an investigation is going on. I just don't know what to say anymore, but it's an obsession and scary.

 

 

OP, even if you don't believe it. After all this is over, you might end up in jail.

[gothicrose]

BC - Yes from a really simplistic point of view, its easy to see it that way. I am not plotting to see him again in that sense; personally, I think that he called the police as he was saying this other person at that time. He had no reason too; I had knocked his door once and straight away he was on the phone to the police; the week before he had had me stay overnight and he had asked me if he wanted him to take him home then or in the morning, as I hadn't forced him to let me stay. Even the police said it was strange.

As I said in my op, I'm not expecting to hear from him - I hadn't mentioned my gloves being left at his place so why he said he would bring them over I don't know, when school goes back on Monday I'm expecting him to post my gloves through my door on his way past in the morning and if that happens, I will stay NC. He has said he will come and see me with an open mind, I'm not expecting to hear from him again and am just carrying on my life at the moment with the mindset that I won't ever see or hear from him again, and vice versa.

 

But wanted to ask the question of what to do if he does get in touch, just in case.

 

Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself he's not just like seemingly every other guy that will say anything to get casual sex when a gir throws herself at him. Maybe I want him to have actual feelings - whether friendly or more - rather than the truth, which is probably that he, well, doesn't. I don't know.

[gothicrose]

OP, even if you don't believe it. After all this is over, you might end up in jail.

 

Pardon? Why?

 

And that's not sarcasm...I mean do you mean because of the past or because you think I will carry on the way I was acting in the past?

[gothicrose]

Just wanted to add; the investigation thing (to clarif in case anyone misunderstood) is being conducted by the school, his place of work, against him. The tried to get me tomake an official complaint because of the things he had said to me (like the rape comment etc) but I wouldn't, according to him the letter informing him of the investgatin said that he has breached the teachings of the catholic faith - which I guess must be having a relationship outside marriage with a parent...and he's done it before too.

 

I feel awful about that, but he brought the issue into the school in the first place, once they asked me I had to tell the truth.

 

ETA: I realise those who know the back story are dead against me having any contact with this guy; but bearing in mind that really, only I know how I feel in my own mind, what I am thinking about me and him and also that I am taking steps to either make sure I'm not cuckoo or get a diagnosis by getting a referral to the mental health team, I really would appreciate just a hypothetical type what if answer...basically, if I he does contact me when he says he will and I am stupid enough to reply and this meeting goes ahead; in theory, what would be the best way to approach it when he's here; apologise, explain and talk about whether there could maybe be a friendship in future, or just not talk about anything from the past or the future, just focus on general chat and enjoying the hour or so he is here for, hope he finds it pleasant too then take things casually from there?

Edited January 3, 2014 by gothicrose

[Philosoraptor]

If he contacts you, you ignore it and hit delete. It's that simple.

 

You are obsessed with this pile of drama.

[Zahara]

ETA: I realise those who know the back story are dead against me having any contact with this guy; but bearing in mind that really, only I know how I feel in my own mind, what I am thinking about me and him and also that I am taking steps to either make sure I'm not cuckoo or get a diagnosis by getting a referral to the mental health team, I really would appreciate just a hypothetical type what if answer...basically, if I he does contact me when he says he will and I am stupid enough to reply and this meeting goes ahead; in theory, what would be the best way to approach it when he's here; apologise, explain and talk about whether there could maybe be a friendship in future, or just not talk about anything from the past or the future, just focus on general chat and enjoying the hour or so he is here for, hope he finds it pleasant too then take things casually from there?

 

Yes, only you know how you feel and think in your mind is why you are where you are. You've never taken the advice that others have given you but you've driven yourself with what you feel and think. And look where it's getting you. Nowhere.

 

Meeting, apologizing, fighting, meeting again, apologizing, then repeating the same behavior, short spurts of NC, then meeting, then you showing up, the obsessiveness, then crying, then wanting to apologize, police getting called, wanting to meet, no show, no response, promises to meet again -- over and over again -- when does it stop.

 

When do you realize the pattern has to stop. The dead end, round in circles, vicious cycle that you have been doing for months -- when do you say to yourself, enough this isn't working out.

 

Once and for all, cut contact and move on. This is dead. You don't need him as a friend. No more apologizing. No more meeting.

[gothicrose]

Yes, only you know how you feel and think in your mind is why you are where you are. You've never taken the advice that others have given you but you've driven yourself with what you feel and think. And look where it's getting you. Nowhere.

 

Meeting, apologizing, fighting, meeting again, apologizing, then repeating the same behavior, short spurts of NC, then meeting, then you showing up, the obsessiveness, then crying, then wanting to apologize, police getting called, wanting to meet, no show, no response, promises to meet again -- over and over again -- when does it stop.

 

When do you realize the pattern has to stop. The dead end, round in circles, vicious cycle that you have been doing for months -- when do you say to yourself, enough this isn't working out.

 

Once and for all, cut contact and move on. This is dead. You don't need him as a friend. No more apologizing. No more meeting.

 

 

You're right on that; I ignored advice to calm it, then to go NC... the cycle I was in wasn't working.

 

Which is why, I thought this time if I give him the space he is asking for them as he said; it proves to him that I do care and he can trust me to calm it down and give him space.

If I leave it to him to contact me as he said he will, then he either will or he won't, right?

 

If he doesn't, then I truly have my answer AND afterwards I get to prove that I can move n quietly without getting back into drama and craziness.

 

IF he does get in touch, my plan for want of a better word was to either ask how he feels about the idea; whether he is still 100% not wanting to see me or whether there's a part of him that is open to coming over and seeing how we get on, OR if he asks if I still want a meeting, I say yes and then just see how it goes; it might actually be vaguely pleasant if I stop going over the usual conversation topics of the past and who said what when.

 

Then he leaves, hopefully smiling and positive and if he gets in touch again great: if not then at least we've had one final positive experience.

 

If nothing else, I haven't wanted to contact him once in the 12 days I've been NC so far, which is good for me.

Maybe its because I have the carrot of maybe meeting up or maybe I'm just moving on.

 

I don't know how I will feel if he does get in touch, but if he keeps his promise I'd like to at least try and meet up, even if it is just one last time.

 

ETA; I am fully aware (now) that maybe I just want the fact he keeps saying there is something about me, he has mixed feelings, how strange it is that he still likes me after all this rubbish and craziness...to mean something. Not love necessarily, but somethng that could either grow into more, or just be a bloody good friendship.

BUT I also know it could just be a case of him saying those things to get laid, shut me up, appease me...whatever.

 

I think the next few weeks might answer that once and for all. As long as I say silent, as I said before, either he will be in touch or he won't. And if he does and he sees a change in me, then maybe things between us might change.

 

I might even meet him and decide its all best left in the past then wish him well.

 

Stranger things have happened!

Edited January 3, 2014 by gothicrose

[Zahara]

"Which is why, I thought this time if I give him the space he is asking for them as he said; it proves to him that I do care and he can trust me to calm it down and give him space."

 

Go back and read all your threads and count the countless times you have depended on this thought process. It has never worked. It has never calmed you down. It has never changed your situation with him. It has never changed his view of you.

 

"If I leave it to him to contact me as he said he will, then he either will or he won't, right?"

 

Whether he contacts you or not is not the issue. This is what you are failing miserably to see. Both of you are not good for each other. He is emotionally unavailable and unhealthy. You are emotionally and mentally volatile. You have spent over a year in this mess and you have zero to show for. What you do have to show for is the same patterns over and over again. It's now come come to a point where the police has gotten involved, him getting in trouble at work and you being called in.

 

If something has consistently presented poor results, when do you start realizing it's done? When do you get in your head that as painful as it is, it is time to shut the door and move on.

 

What aren't you seeing? You need to get away from what makes you sick and unhealthy and this guy and this situation makes you sick and unhealthy. It triggers negativity in you.

 

It's not about whether he contacts you or not. Contact isn't good for you. You need to stay away and stop this obsession and sever the attachment to him.

[Zahara]

I might even meet him and decide its all best left in the past then wish him well.

 

As I have said, you've always let your feelings and thoughts drive, completely ignoring any advice that was given here. And that is why you are where you are.

 

You should do whatever it is you need to do. Advice isn't what you need. You will do what drives you.

[gothicrose]

BUT I never have given him that space, have I?

 

So it has never changed his view of me because I've been acting the same pestering way every time he's asked for space...actually I think this 12 days is the longest I've gone without contacting him.

 

And then if he does contact me again and we meet up, Im almost 100% certain I wont go the same way again. I won't start manically contacting him afterwards pestering to meet p again.

 

I know you wont believe that yet but what if I'm right this time? About how I will read, anyway.

 

No guarantee he will get in touch yet anyway, an no guarantee I will meet him, just talking hypothetically t the moment...and I know I've said this before too.

But if I easily stick to not contacting him until (or if) he contacts me again, then isn't that going some way to proving I have changed in my behaviours and mindset?

[gothicrose]

OK what I'm actually asking for Zahara, is basically; if two people have had a really bad breakup with lots of animosity, the dumper has some remaining feelings that aren't strong enough for a relationship, but he agrees to meet with an open mind, then should the dumpee just keep the chat light and friendly without mentioning anything about the previous relationship or the future, or should they apologise and initiate a talk about where things failed and whether it could be rectified in the future?

 

Forgetting whether meeting is the right thing to do in my situation, assuming a meeting is going to happen, how should I handle it?

 

That's all I'm really asking.

[Zahara]

BUT I never have given him that space, have I?

 

So it has never changed his view of me because I've been acting the same pestering way every time he's asked for space...actually I think this 12 days is the longest I've gone without contacting him.

 

And then if he does contact me again and we meet up, Im almost 100% certain I wont go the same way again. I won't start manically contacting him afterwards pestering to meet p again.

 

I know you wont believe that yet but what if I'm right this time? About how I will read, anyway.

 

No guarantee he will get in touch yet anyway, an no guarantee I will meet him, just talking hypothetically t the moment...and I know I've said this before too.

But if I easily stick to not contacting him until (or if) he contacts me again, then isn't that going some way to proving I have changed in my behaviours and mindset?

 

Again, you fail to see the big picture. This man, this situation is not healthy for you.

 

Giving him space to prove you are some other person, when you clearly will be the same obsessive and anxiety ridden person you have always been because he triggers your vulnerablities and your weaknesses -- it will not matter. You don't change who you are within weeks. He will eventually trigger you again because he is emotionally unavailable and unhealthy. He will trigger your insecurities and your issues.

 

Gothic, you need to do what you need to do. You post on here. You ask for advice. People take the time to advise you. You take nothing and you absorb nothing but do exactly what you choose to do. You will have to get to a point where you become completely exhausted chasing your own tail, and only then you will come here ask for advice and actually follow it.

 

Till then, you will keep justifying, reasoning, and excusing. If he comes back, just communicate as you see best at that moment in time. As you said, only you know how you feel and think. How you deal with it will be determined by that.

Edited January 3, 2014 by Zahara

[gothicrose]

if something has consistently presented poor results, when do you start realizing it's done? When do you get in your head that as painful as it is, it is time to shut the door and move on.

 

I agree with this statement.

 

But I really do feel that the results were poor because I was behaving like a loon.

 

I have done 12 days NC so far, without wanting to contact him, or see him, I've really wanted todelete his number at times but haven't yet, I've been thinking quite objectively and realising that really, we didn't have much anyway. My thinking FEELS different and if that continues for the next 6-8 weeks or however long it takes until he contacts me, if he ever does, then surely by the time he gets in touch I will either have started to move n and realised there is no point meeting up, or I will be in a better head space and shouldn't react the way I did before, when I do see him.

 

I think this will make him feel calmer at the very least. And I will have proven to both of us that fruitloop isn't my default mode!

 

I would just like to see if me modifying my behaviour slightly (and it hasn't taken much effort...thus far...as I said I feel fine at the moment about not contacting him) might produce better, or different, results.

 

And if it doesn't, I change but he still feels nothing or acts confused, I will know for sure its him and not me.

[gothicrose]

Again, you fail to see the big picture. This man, this situation is not healthy for you.

 

Giving him space to prove you are some other person, when you clearly will be the same obsessive and anxiety ridden person you have always been because he triggers your vulnerablities and your weaknesses -- it will not matter. You don't change who you are within weeks. He will eventually trigger you again because he is emotionally unavailable and unhealthy. He will trigger your insecurities and your issues.

 

Gothic, you need to do what you need to do. You post on here. You ask for advice. People take the time to advise you. You take nothing and you absorb nothing but do exactly what you choose to do. You will have to get to a point where you become completely exhausted chasing your own tail, and only then you will come here ask for advice and actually follow it.

 

Till then, you will keep justifying, reasoning, and excusing. If he comes back, just communicate as you see best at that moment in time. As you said, only you know how you feel and think. How you deal with it will be determined by that.

 

Ah see the part about triggering me again, I get.

 

Not sure I agree, but its made me think.

 

You haven't actually answered my question though; if we meet, do I just chat as though nothing ever went on, or initiate a discussion about the past/what went wrong/whether he is open to fixing it?

[Zahara]

Ah see the part about triggering me again, I get.

 

Not sure I agree, but its made me think.

 

You haven't actually answered my question though; if we meet, do I just chat as though nothing ever went on, or initiate a discussion about the past/what went wrong/whether he is open to fixing it?

 

I think I answered your question. There is no way to tell how he will approach you and when he does, neither you nor I can tell how you will react based on your emotional stance and mindset at that time.

 

In saying that only you know how you feel and think so if he comes back, just communicate as you see best at that moment in time. Again, only you know how you feel and think. How you deal with it will be determined by that and his approach to you.

[gothicrose]

I do appreciate people taken the time to advise...over and over again..I son mean to sound ungrateful.

 

I just think that if he does he in touch and we do meet up, it would be best to forget the past and any potential future, and concentrate on having fun and chatting, but steering clear of any physical stuff.

 

Then I thought he might have a nice time, although I'm not sure if I took this approach, whether to broach the subject of whether its OK to text sometimes or just see if he if he got in touch after the meeting.

 

I know it sounds like I'm thinking too far ahead, but I believe that he will keep his promise to meet up, because he has promised to. So I'm trying to work out the best strategy now so m not caught out at any point.

[Zahara]

I do appreciate people taken the time to advise...over and over again..I son mean to sound ungrateful.

 

I just think that if he does he in touch and we do meet up, it would be best to forget the past and any potential future, and concentrate on having fun and chatting, but steering clear of any physical stuff.

 

Then I thought he might have a nice time, although I'm not sure if I took this approach, whether to broach the subject of whether its OK to text sometimes or just see if he if he got in touch after the meeting.

 

I know it sounds like I'm thinking too far ahead, but I believe that he will keep his promise to meet up, because he has promised to. So I'm trying to work out the best strategy now so m not caught out at any point.

 

I'm not saying you are ungrateful, but that you are not ready to remove yourself from this situation. The consensus on here will be unanimous, especially after reading your history, that you should cut all contact. In that sense, you won't because you bear hope for something to materialize so whatever we say to you will fall on deaf ears and you will just do whatever it is you want to do. It's futile.

 

No one can tell you how to act/react/respond to him when he comes back or even predict what's best. You will have to decide based on how you feel, how he feels and his approach.

[Simon Phoenix]

http://www.godlikeproductions.com/sm/custom/e/k/3aa9090d30.jpg

 

I mean, you've proven time and time again that you can't handle contact with this guy. He's called the cops on you, he's threatened to rape you, everytime you are in contact you go completely overboard and lose all perspective of everything around you -- why the hell do you keep going down this rabbit hole? This is just absurd. I realize you'll write a 300-word post telling me that you are in control this time and that there are signs there that you have a future based on planetary alignments and other stuff you make up on the fly, but this is extremely unhealthy and you are obsessed with this man. He's a douchebag and you have the impulse control of a 4-year-old. Bad, bad, bad.

[gothicrose]

http://www.godlikeproductions.com/sm/custom/e/k/3aa9090d30.jpg

 

I mean, you've proven time and time again that you can't handle contact with this guy. He's called the cops on you, he's threatened to rape you, everytime you are in contact you go completely overboard and lose all perspective of everything around you -- why the hell do you keep going down this rabbit hole? This is just absurd. I realize you'll write a 300-word post telling me that you are in control this time and that there are signs there that you have a future based on planetary alignments and other stuff you make up on the fly, but this is extremely unhealthy and you are obsessed with this man. He's a douchebag and you have the impulse control of a 4-year-old. Bad, bad, bad.

 

Not wanting to be contrary, but if that is completely true, then how come the last time I went to his place, I booked the taxi for 8pm before I even left the house - I was expecting him to get him at 7.30 so only planned on giving myself 30mins to say what had to, as it was he was home when I got there, at 7.

 

Why did I keep an eye on the time and keep saying I had to go soon.

 

Why was it me insisting on leaving on time, even when we were mid-kiss, he was lying half on top of me on the sofa and he said part of him wants me to miss the taxi?

 

I also went against previous form and didn't contact him when I got home, I left it until the afternoon he said he would be over before checking he was still okay to meet.

 

All of the above are polar opposite to how I would normally conduct myself...heck, there are times in the past I've been at his place and I've been practically begging to stay a bit longer, embarrassingly!

 

I have also left him alone since he asked me to, even though at the back of my mind, I think he only said he would come and see me in a few weeks to get rid of me.

 

Usually, I'd have still been on at him despite him asking me for space.

 

And when I post again when I'm 6 weeks NC or longer, then I will have started to prove I'm not entirely what you think I am

[gothicrose]

I am, however, starting to think slightly more along the Iines that he IS a bit of a douche, not saying I'm an angel...not at all...but found out a few more things recently, just stuff like another mum at the school saying to her friends that he tried to give her his number but she wasn't interested, at the same school event he was showing an interest in me...whilst he was still with this long distance partner - sounds completely not like him and when I asked him, he said that's not something he would do, but maybe you're right and maybe just for the fact he has dodgy rumours surrounding him, maybe I SHOULD steer clear.

[Simon Phoenix]

He definitely sucks, but your behavior in this whole thing has been awful. And I don't care about all the stuff you said -- you'll prove me wrong when you stop feeding into this cycle completely and stop interacting with this man. Until then, I'm considering you an impulsive time bomb, because that's what you've been from the jump. The fact that you were in contact with this man (whether it be in pursuit or answering any correspondence) just boggles my mind.