NotCamelot Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Most of you know my story, so I won't rehash that, don't want to think much about it myself. Anyway, been almost 20 months since D-day.. .. all is going very, very well. I have had sleep apnea for years (genetic), use CPAP. Time for a new sleep study, last one was in 2005. So, next week I will have to spend the night at the hospital's sleep center. I am feeling very anxoius about this. Even though she has not given me any (new) reason at all to worry since D-day. And 100% of everything the way it should be. It is killing me to know that I won't be with her that night. And I won't see her until lunch time the next day. She says I am being silly and that there is no reason for me to feel this way. I remind her that I had no reason to worry 2 years ago and look what happened. She says, "You have nothing to worry about." Have any of you had to deal with a thing like this? I have not been apart from her, other than work, in years. Didn't bother be then, but now............
Ap22 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Separation anxiety. I get it. I would totally feel the same way. Its been less than 2 months since my dday. My wife, for the first time since, went back to the gym yesterday. Other than work, its the first time shes been out on her own. I know she was at the gym, there is video evidence she was at the gym, but I still had this thought that she was secretly seeing him. Welcome to the dark side of betrayal. Even though we may gain some trust in them, we will never put it past them to stab us in the back. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Your choice nc but I don't see anything wrong with trust but verify for you. When you investigate and find nothing, you both win. That said, you're further along in the R game than I ever made it. I don't know when or if you ever give that up entirely. Regardless, I don't think there's anything "silly" about your anxiety and I'm glad you corrected her on that. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 You anxiety is certainly not silly. I know in the first 8 weeks we didn't spend a night apart (after my dday), but I would check in when I was going to work, leaving for grocery, etc. But about my husband needed a weekend away, so he went away by himself for a few days. I went with my sister a couple of months later for a long weekend. We eased back in but it still wasn't easy. Not sure it still is as my husband is going for a training for a week shortly and I can't really go with him and he is just a little over two years post dday for him. And because I know xmow shows up from time to time, I can't help but wonder if she somehow finds out he's gone and where he is and decides to show up there. She somehow found out I was out of town last year and called him up. But I guess I'm at the point where I am weary. I want to trust again. So I will until (or if) I find something that tells me otherwise. I don't want to babysit - it's too exhausting. 3
Bittersweetie Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 My H traveled for work and he would have to leave after d-day. We dealt with it the best we could: I told him my plans and we kept in touch through texts and calls. It was a leap of faith on his part. As time went by it seemed like the nights apart weren't as big of a deal; after some trust had been built. He had one overseas trip that was difficult in particular; because the last time he went overseas was when I was with xOM. We talked about it beforehand, and I ended up staying with my family in another state during that trip which helped him. It worked out because I was 7 months pregnant at the time and didn't want to be alone anyway. We skyped to keep in touch. Maybe there are some ways you can keep in touch? Even if you can't access them, she could text you in the evening and such, then when you wake the next day you'd see them. 1
Author NotCamelot Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 But I guess I'm at the point where I am weary. I want to trust again. So I will until (or if) I find something that tells me otherwise. I don't want to babysit - it's too exhausting. I hear ya! Kind of there myself. After 20 months of checking, checking, and rechecking every day, I got to the point a few weeks back where it is not as much now. I guess the confirmation is making for the ability to give a little trust. You know, in most things in life, it does not take this long to trust something/someone. But when a trust has been so shattered, it takes a long time to get it back. Exhausting, yes, but, in my case, it is certainly worth it.
harrybrown Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I certainly know the feeling, but with your test and in life, you can not be with her 24 hours a day. Time has helped, but triggers make it worse. She could cheat again and again, and I may never know. Horrible way to live and the feelings can come back so quickly. I hope you get past this soon, and that she finds a way to do something nice for you while you have the test. She did nice things for others, maybe she could work on planning something nice to make you see that you are back to being number one in her life.
compulsivedancer Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I hope your anxiety doesn't affect your test.
Spectre Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry, but the fact that she brushes off your worries as "silly" is very alarming to me. It doesn't sound like someone who regrets what they did, etc. Seriously, a woman who cheated on you seriously said to you it was silly for you to worry about..her cheating on you again? Am I missing something here? Did we enter the Twilight Zone? Did she say this to you with a straight face? I can't see how she could, did she just have some temporary amnesia as to what she did to you..or am I missing something? That is kind of like telling me I should feel silly for feeling utterly creeped out in the presence of Charles Manson or something. Umm, no if ever there was a time to feel creeped out, it would be around a dude like that..you get the point I'm making here right? Edited January 3, 2014 by Spectre
Fluttershy Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Did she actually say the word silly? Or was that your interpetation of her saying there was nothing to worry about. If she has not kept contact with her xOM. If her cheatingdid not involve ONS with guys she just met the same night then. Your fear is not logical. A renewed affair with one man will not happen the one night you are not there. It will have already happened or happen far more than just one night. But fear is like that. It is irrational. And there is nothing you can do but eithwr give in to it and cancel the test or work through it. She can only say "i love you and there is nothing to worry about". It is up to you to give in to the fear or not. 1
experiencethedevine Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 You have my greatest empathy. My husband was working away from home for much longer periods than he is now (which gave the affair a considerable amount of leverage simply by virtue of distance). Recovery was exhaustingly extended because of those protracted periods of separation. It left us 'hanging' for the three months he was away at work, so I completely understand the difficulties of it. However, you have not been subjected to such lengthy separations, and as this is one that is a necessity I would take an enormous breath, swallow very hard and give your other half another opportunity to prove her loyalty by telling you what she plans to do and then offering you the evidence of it while you were at your appointment. I'm sure she will be more than ready to offer you reassurance, so please try not to distress yourself overly about it. Good luck with the sleep trial.
Spectre Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Yes I have to ask: did she actually use the word silly? If so, divorce her, she has zero respect for your feelings.
Author NotCamelot Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 No, the word was not silly. It was more like, "You need to stop." Thinking about it is what she means. And, yes, I do need to stop thinking about it......but I can't. This is the first time that we will have spent the night away from each other in 9 years. Before the A, I never would have thought anything about it. Things are different now.....and will be for a long time. Though I had my pre-assessment this morning. She called me to see how things went. She asked me if I would be allowed to have my cell phone with me. I told her they said I could, but it had to be turned off at 11 PM. She said, "Good, we can talk and watch tv together until lights out." That made me feel a lot better. I had not brought it up at all. It was her idea, though it was in my mind. But the fact that it now feels like her idea reinforces everything she has been doing since D-day. Additionally, our 19yr old daughter will be home too. I didn't intend for this thread to seem like something was going on. I know that this is in my head based on the trauma of her A. I have to admit that she has done nothing since to give even the slightest suspicion. It's just those damn memories. I will say this: everytime there is a situation where I may feel "threatened" or "anxious" she always comes up with a way to prove herself to me. I really do know there is nothing to worry about. But, damn, those memories won't die, and they still hurt badly when they surface. 1
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