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Do you think its too soon to ask him where he sees our relationship going?

mammasita

By mammasita
in General Relationship Discussion

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

Posted
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It's been 4 months, 2 months "official"....

 

When I type it out I think its waaaay to soon to even bring up....but I'm a relationship dummy so I thought I'd ask.

 

Is it too soon to pose the question? I wanted to ask something like this:

 

"I'm not asking this to try to rush things because I really the way things are right now, but I'm just wondering where you see things going for us?"

 

Thoughts? Ideas on what to say or how to ask?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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If you are wondering whether he sees you as marriage material, yeah, I think 2 months official is a little soon. Maybe wait until the 6 month mark.

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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If you are wondering whether he sees you as marriage material, yeah, I think 2 months official is a little soon. Maybe wait until the 6 month mark.

Agreed, typing it out was a reality check.

 

I'm glad I didn't act before coming here.......:eek:.

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carhill Established Member

carhill

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I'll presume a few things here: One, you're sexually active. Two, you've expressed your love for each other as an 'official' couple.

 

'I love you and feel like you're the kind of person I could spend my life with. How do you feel about that?'

 

Make statements about how you feel and ask open-ended questions.

 

Now, if you don't feel that way, don't state it. If you do, IMO, the right man for you will engage in a dialogue about how you each feel, both about each other and long-term partnership in general. The point of such discussions is both to learn more about each person's perspective and, as appropriate, to build further intimacy as a team, if that is what you are.

 

One question: How old are you? I ask because, in general, young people, who feel they have all the time in the world, are less likely to pursue things like this line of discussion in a serious manner, rather 'go with the flow'. Older people, especially those with relationship/marital experience, tend to be more direct and have a clear vision of their relationship path preferences and feelings for their partners.

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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I'll presume a few things here: One, you're sexually active. Two, you've expressed your love for each other as an 'official' couple.

 

'I love you and feel like you're the kind of person I could spend my life with. How do you feel about that?'

 

Make statements about how you feel and ask open-ended questions.

 

Now, if you don't feel that way, don't state it. If you do, IMO, the right man for you will engage in a dialogue about how you each feel, both about each other and long-term partnership in general. The point of such discussions is both to learn more about each person's perspective and, as appropriate, to build further intimacy as a team, if that is what you are.

 

One question: How old are you? I ask because, in general, young people, who feel they have all the time in the world, are less likely to pursue things like this line of discussion in a serious manner, rather 'go with the flow'. Older people, especially those with relationship/marital experience, tend to be more direct and have a clear vision of their relationship path preferences and feelings for their partners.

I'm 38, divorced with a 13 year old son.....so yeah I've been around a little while.

 

He and I haven't exchanged "I love you"s yet so with that said, I'm kind of hesitant to rush him into a discussion of "where is this going" when he hasn't even let me know verbally how he feels :eek:.

 

I guess I kind of thought asking him where we were going would give me a better understanding of whether he was even remotely close to being "in love"

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Forget the calendar. At least wait a while after the 1st I love you's before asking about long-term potential.

 

 

I think if you're feeling it, now is an OK point at which to say the words but it's also OK to wait. What do you feel?

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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Forget the calendar. At least wait a while after the 1st I love you's before asking about long-term potential.

 

 

I think if you're feeling it, now is an OK point at which to say the words but it's also OK to wait. What do you feel?

I feel it, but I also want to wait.....Not because of everyone saying "Let him say it first" but just because I want to be sure. I always and I mean ALWAYS feel like I'm in love VERY quickly.

 

At the same time, I would LOVE to hear him say it LOL

  • Like 1
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

OP, for clarity, you've been dating this man regularly for four months and have been an 'official' couple for two months. By 'official' I mean that you are known socially, and feel, like a couple, focused on each other and without outside distraction. Is that right?

 

Also, what's his relationship history? You're divorced, 38, with a child. Him?

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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OP, for clarity, you've been dating this man regularly for four months and have been an 'official' couple for two months. By 'official' I mean that you are known socially, and feel, like a couple, focused on each other and without outside distraction. Is that right?

 

Also, what's his relationship history? You're divorced, 38, with a child. Him?

Yep, correct.

 

He is 30 - divorced with full custody of his 4 year old daughter.

WasOtherWoman Established Member

WasOtherWoman

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I agree that it is too soon to ask about your particular relationship's future, but do you know how he feels generally? It is not too soon to understand that. If he says he never intends to marry again, ever, you would want to know that, right? Or if he wants more children, etc.

 

I think you should know "generally" what he wants from life....

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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I agree that it is too soon to ask about your particular relationship's future, but do you know how he feels generally? It is not too soon to understand that. If he says he never intends to marry again, ever, you would want to know that, right? Or if he wants more children, etc.

 

I think you should know "generally" what he wants from life....

 

This is what I was going to say too. It's not too soon to have conversations about his life goals to see if what he wants even works with what you want.

 

Just start having general convos about your pasts and your goals.

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

Posted
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I agree that it is too soon to ask about your particular relationship's future, but do you know how he feels generally? It is not too soon to understand that. If he says he never intends to marry again, ever, you would want to know that, right? Or if he wants more children, etc.

 

I think you should know "generally" what he wants from life....

 

Oh yeah I absolutely know that. I knew from the beginning that neither of us want any more kids and I made sure he was open to a long term commitment and possibly marriage because that's what I want.

WasOtherWoman Established Member

WasOtherWoman

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Excellent. If you already know you have compatible goals, then wait a while and enjoy your new relationship :)

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Ah, so the conversation has already been broached. So, continue. Bookend on the old conversation and cover new material and relate your feelings in the interim. This guy's old enough and experienced enough to be divorced and have full custody of a child. He can handle it.

 

I mention this because guys can talk a lot of smack that they think the lady wants to hear, but the real conversations set them back on their butts. Better to know what kind of man sooner rather than later. I say that as a man, knowing men for 54.

Mariposa10 Established Member

Mariposa10

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Toooo soon.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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How old are you guys?

 

I'm in my twenties but at this point in my life I wouldn't really agree to be "official" with a man unless there had previously been some discussion of what we're both looking for in a relationship: long term, short term, something that is leading to marriage etc . I think that conversation should be had before even deciding to be serious.

 

It just seems counterintuitive to me to already be in a relationship then try to find out what's happening...seems like getting into a car, getting behind the wheel and driving and after 4 blocks you've just decided to ask where you're going. Of course if you just want a joyride then I guess you can ask while already in it, but for me, I'm asking before I get in and we start going anywhere and using up gas and time lol.

 

*Just saw you say you're 38...yea at that point IMO I would need to be very clear about what I want out of relationship before deciding to be officially in one.

Edited by MissBee
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