mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 My GF of 5 years broke up with me 5 months ago. I did everything wrong, tried to be her friend, sent her gifts and letters (she was OK with both of them, although she didn't want me to overdo it and didn't want me to mix my efforts). I want to go into NC as much as possible (which of course isn't NC at all if there is even a little contact) Turns out she was after my friend even when she was telling me we might get back together. Now, she has told me she is not in love with me anymore, and, doesn't see us ever getting back together, and wants me to stop sending her things. She is spending a lot more time with my friend, although he (says) he isn't sure if he wants to get serious with her. (There is clearly mutual attraction, but I think he feels he may be her rebound crush, and he was there to listen to her as she and I got colder to each other over a disagreement about kids that we did not get on the same page about until after the breakup) We all met at a summer job and volunteer for the organization, and my ex and I see each other at meetings once a month. We (me, ex, friend) also might work at this organization again in the summer. Now, the organization means a lot to me, but at the same time, being around her isn't good for me, especially if they will be dating at that time. Is it emotional suicide to try to work there even if she (and he) are there? I am torn between standing my ground because I can be an asset for the organization I care about and I shouldn't have to leave it just because of her, but she is also an asset, and I am seriously considering that in 6 months, when we start to work there, any lingering feelings and the discomfort associated with them would be worth it for the organization, because we always worked great there together. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did it go? Am I still being overly optimistic about being friends? Am I setting myself up for disaster? This is the place we fell in love 5 years ago, and we have hundreds of memories all over it. Am I being overconfident? Maybe the fact that I am asking at all says something. I guess the real question is, if anyone has been through something similar, I would like to hear how it went for you, and then really ask myself if the organization is worth it. It means a lot to me, but I don't want to start healing all over again in 6 months.
lostsoul4286 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 How old is this woman if you don't mind me asking?
Author mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 She is 25, I'm 24, the friend is 22. We were starting to talk about marriage (location, colors even), and then we came to the question of kids. I told her that I couldn't guarantee her I would ever want them (I was afraid in a lot of ways that have since been settled, and now I know I do want them someday, assuming financial security that I am still looking for). She confided a lot in the friend while we became distant because we both sensed that it was going south. She seemed genuinely reluctant to breakup when she finally did.
Zahara Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I had a relationship with someone I worked with and when it went bust, it was difficult for me to co-exist. I tried hard but soon after realized that my emotional and mental health was going down the tank and I had to leave. I really loved working for the organization as it was a non-profit that I was trying hard to get into but at the end of the day, it was becoming too miserable for me. My work was failing. My anxiety level was off the charts. My heart would race everytime I ventured out of my office fearing I would bump into him. People started noticing me retreating. Nearly 15 years later, making that choice to leave led me to where I am today. Still working for the same cause but with a different organization. You can always find other organizations to volunteer and subsequently work with. What you could do is wait. You won't know how you're going to feel in 6 months. You could go back to working there, gauge your feelings as you go day by day and go from there. 2
Author mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Thanks for sharing your experience. I guess another thing I am worried about is that I wonder how much we can trust each other. I think the fact that we trusted each other is why we worked so well together, and at this point, neither she nor my friend told me that she was after him, even as I was confiding in the friend about the breakup.
Zahara Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Thanks for sharing your experience. I guess another thing I am worried about is that I wonder how much we can trust each other. I think the fact that we trusted each other is why we worked so well together, and at this point, neither she nor my friend told me that she was after him, even as I was confiding in the friend about the breakup. It's irrelevant. Your only concern now is volunteering at this place and possibly working there without an interference from her. Your dealings with her will only be about work and nothing else. Your boundaries will be strictly about working together and nothing more. It doesn't matter who was after whom. You are broken up. All that is in the past. 1
Author mantlefan Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I basically told her a couple days ago that I was probably going to reapply, and that if she applies, I am going to take that to mean that we both trust that the other is going to focus on the good of the organization. I didn't feel it was right to say nothing. I am fairly confident I can put what I want regarding her out of the picture when working for the organization, I just hope that by the time it comes around, I won't want her anymore. 1
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